Does he have a prob with SEX or ME

[Lucinda]

HI there, I am 33 and have been in a new relationship for the past year. I am having this problem of feeling that my partner is not attracted to me. He is very reluctant when it comes to sex. I always initiate it except a couple of times when I had mentioned to him that he doesn't. In other words "He felt compelled to". He never touches me sexually unless I make him feel compelled to. "It's exhausting!!" He won't even put his penis in me ......so I do it. And oral sex .....well hell don't even go there.

 

I have asked him "Do I smell ok?" He says "Yes, you smell nice ....you're never unclean". So it's not that. I'm not over weight in fact I'm in very good shape. Not that looks matter but I am a nice looking woman. People tell me I am beautiful all the time. So it's not that.

 

It's to the point where I am feeling very put down about having a vagina. I feel as though he is disgusted by it or something. It's really hard feeling like this because I do everything I can to make him happy sexually(and he is happy)and I can't understand why he doesn't want to do the same to me. Don't get me wrong .....when we make love it's great. I have the best orgasms ever in my life. It's very rare I don't have one ......"He is an awesome lover and every moment of it feels so good and right". He just thinks the vagina is for putting his penis in and not to be touched in any other way I guess.

 

Last night I started kissing him and he said he was not in the mood. Which was fine by me .....I have no problem with that. I said "ok" then he turns the Newly Wed show on and sits there watching Jessica Simpson. Now I am already feeling like he is not attracted to me and that on top of it really upset me. I found myself thinking is this the problem "He's more interested in a bimbo?" or "Does he need to watch a bimbo to get him in the mood to be with me?" He says "I just wanted to watch the show for a laugh because the 2 of them are idiots" Although I have already told him I have no interest in the show.

 

Today I told him that he has to realize he's not living alone anymore he's with me and living with me. Is this the problem "He's use to living on his own and watching whatever he wants(with bimbos in it) and taking care of himself when need be?"

 

I am at a loss for answers ......any suggestions please help!!

 

PS ....... In the beginning of our relationship we shared private moments with each other and he has done things with other partners which would involve touching, feeling and oral. This is another thing that makes me feel upset. To know that he has done things in past relationships but won't with me. Makes me think there is something wrong with me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

One thing's for sure - he has a problem with it in the context of this relationship. Either he's just distancing himself from you emotionally for whatever reason (which can result in lower quality/lesser sexual activity), or he has some sort of deeper problem. It may not be you, or the sex - it could be a mix of factors that is causing him to put you into a non-sexual or a sexually sterile category. You'll want to pinpoint what it is that is causing him to be this way. It could just be how he is, and was compelled to be that way with other people only under pressure. Was this guy sexually abused? Is he bisexual or gay? It could be any number of things - but it most likely isn't a matter of him just being this way with you specifically. Maybe a Madonna/Whore complex?

 

If you want to stay with him, and you want to see some changes - you'll have to be the one to initiate them. If he's content with this arrangement, then he'll have no motivation to see any changes made, so you'll have to do that. Ask him if he would be willing to go to counselling - let him know why, and what you hope to see change in your relationship as a result. Maybe something can be uprooted that will explain his problems (or at least confirm that he is just that way in general). If he completely shuts you down and refuses, then you'll have to make a choice: remain in the relationship under his terms, or leave.