Confused....

[deko]

Ok, I have been friends (and more) with this girl for over 3 years, long distance, she lives 4 hours away. She is the sister of one of my co-workers and that is how I got to know her. She was down one new years eve and we hit it off and it was a wild ride for a while. After a few months of us traveling back and forth to see each other, talking very frequently or chatting online, she says she can't handle a long distance relationship. Ok, we agree to be friends. This lasts for quite a while (over a year) although we still talk on the phone or chat very frequently, with the occasional visit. But we still flirted heavily with each other like mad. And we would tell each other if we were seeing each other people.

 

Then a little over a year ago, as I was up seeing her, things started to change and we became very friendly again. I had been looking to move to the city she lives, and had talked to her about it. I then was laid off from my job, so I decided to look for a job where she lives and move there. She even said I could move in with her. So I started visiting her quite frequently looking for work, although the job market was very tight at the time. While I started visiting her, we grew closer, we spent all the time I was there together, once in a while going out with some of her friends, going to dinner or movies, or cuddling on the couch watching movies, and having sex again (which she initiated as much as I did). This went on for a few months, talking, chatting or me visiting her every couple of weeks for 3-6 days at a time. And whenever I would leave, she would just stare at me with a sad look bcause I was leaving. I knew we had crossed the friends line and so did she.

 

Then I hit a financial wall and couldn't get up to see her for a while, I let her know this and we still talked and chatted several times a week. I kept telling her I was trying as hard as I could to get a job there and move there. I wanted to get back up to see her and talk to her face to face about our relationship, I didn't want to do it over the phone or email.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago, I get an email from her that her and some guy were doing something (she had a long address list for the email). I'm curious because she has not mentioned anything to me about this in the 4 months I haven't seen her. I call her and leave a message to call me back. She leaves me a message that cleary shows she didn't know I had gotten that email. When we do talk she says she's dating someone but it's no big deal, and says it in a very passing way. At this point I'm very hurt because she didn't tell me anything and seemed to be trying to keep it from me. I then visit her (we had set it up weeks before), and I talk to her saying it took me by surprise, because she seemed to be trying to keep it from me, and tell her how I feel. She gets defensive and just keeps saying 'I thought we were friends' or 'you're there and I'm here and I'm lonely'. We talk but nothing seems to get solved. At this point I'm convinced I'm sleeping on the couch, but she has me come and sleep with her (although nothing happened). When I left she wanted me to stay longer, and gave me the sad look again, only there was more to it this time.

 

She was coming down the next weekend to the city I live to visit some friends, but I find out from someone else she is bringing him along, although that is not what she told me. We exchange a couple friendly emails and she says why don't you come out and hang out with us. I tell her I don't think that's a good idea at the moment, and tell her why, and tell her again how I feel. She then sends me an email saying she was only ever interested in being friends and she considers me one of her closest friends and she cares about me and that what happened a few months before was her just being a good friend to me and I was just misunderstanding (which I consider BS because she took no responsibility at all), and how this new guy was very important to her and she wanted me to meet him.

 

At this point I'm very confused, as in the space of two weeks, I find out she's seeing someone, has kept it from me as long as she could, and it went from nothing serious to serious, depending on when she was talking to me. And in that time she was very evasive and would barely mention him. I guess I'll just back off, but seriously confused as to what to do next....sorry for the long post, but I am very hurt and confused...any feedback would be appreciated...

[SuperFantastico]

sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I think you should let her

have her boyfriend and back off until its over with him. Maybe she would rather

ditch him than leave you. I can see why she would get one. You live far away

and cant visit her anymore really. But at the same time she does seem to still

like you.

 

But you cant cater to her wims. you are not a piece of relationship meat. So

maybe start dating yourself where you live. Perhaps in time you will find

both of you in a better position to have a relationship ie(you are both in the

same city and are both single)

 

Dats my 2cenz(uh....just trying to be cool)

[deko]

Thanks for the advice. I am now working where I live, but am up in her area almost every week looking for a job, and intend on going to school part time once I'm there. I've told her this and she thinks it's a good idea, even giving me tips on getting a job and classes in her area.

 

Just feeling like I'm getting mixed signals....

[sleeplessindallas]

She sounds like a "cake and eat it" girl to me.

 

It also sounds like maybe you are/were just trying too hard to make somethng work that wasn't in the cards at the time. As SF said, let her have her boyfriend. Whatever. You know? At some point, if this is meant to be, it will work out. Life has a funny way of making things work the way they are meant to be, although the timing can be a little odd and longer than we would wish.

 

A guy I was FWB with a lot of years ago has since been married, and now his wife has walked out on him. We had remained very good friends WOB all along, and now he's calling me again. I have no idea what will become of this relationship or if I would even want any more than the friendship we've had all along, but I was musing over the fact that after all these years, we are both available again. Strange what life throws your way sometimes.

[deko]

Thanks again for the replies. As a reply to her email that basically blamed me for misunderstanding everything I said I would need time to sort things out and it would take me awhile. I thought she understood as I recieved no reply from that email. For the first week it worked, we would be online at the same time, but neither of us initiated a chat (which almost never happened before) and we haven't spoken on the phone (we always talked before at least twice a week). And then bam, I got an email from her about how her and this other guy had done something and it was soo much fun. It really upset me as I thought she understood I needed time to sort things out, although I'm stll looking to move to her area, because I have been planning that for well over a year. I have found other living arrangements and am hoping to find a new job there soon.

 

But now I'm seriously getting the idea that she's playing games with me for whatever reason, but I have no plans to contact her back anytime soon. I'm just backing waaaay off because now I think we crossed the 'friends' line a few months ago and I don't know if I can go back to just being friends. Other friends of mine seem to think she's using me as a backup in case this new relationship doesn't work out, but that isn't what I want to be, and I don't want to be the guy who's there for her when she's alone, but gets relegated back to a 'friend' when she finds someone else.

 

-deko-