Is It Ever Really About the Kids??

[GypsyHeart83]

I posted this in one of my other threads, but I'm genuinely interested in hearing insight on this subject. My AP of 1 1/2 years says that the only thing keeping him from leaving his W and being with me is that he can't imagine leaving his children. He IS a very involved father, and I know his kids are his first priority. (As they should be)

 

My question is: is it ever really about the kids, or is that just a common excuse used to keep you strung along?? I also think a lot has to do with the fact his W would take him for all he's worth. (He's mentioned this recently, and they live in California. She'd get half of everything)

 

MM/MW with children.. Have you ever felt stuck in a unhappy M because of your children, or because of being afraid of losing half your assets, home, etc?

 

OM/OW.. Did your MM/MW use this excuse on you as to why they couldn't leave their M??

 

Just curious if he was being honest, or if this is just a common tale.

[snappytomcat]

hi gypsy

I think for some mm,its really about the kids,but I believe for most of them its just to keep the ow,strung along

[MuddyFootprints]

Initially, it was about my kids.

 

Now, it is about our family.

 

I want to keep us intact.

[GypsyHeart83]

Are you still in love with your W/H MuddyFootprints?? And what caused you to have an A??

[jwi71]

I posted this in one of my other threads, but I'm genuinely interested in hearing insight on this subject. My AP of 1 1/2 years says that the only thing keeping him from leaving his W and being with me is that he can't imagine leaving his children. He IS a very involved father, and I know his kids are his first priority. (As they should be)

 

My question is: is it ever really about the kids, or is that just a common excuse used to keep you strung along?? I also think a lot has to do with the fact his W would take him for all he's worth. (He's mentioned this recently, and they live in California. She'd get half of everything)

 

MM/MW with children.. Have you ever felt stuck in a unhappy M because of your children, or because of being afraid of losing half your assets, home, etc?

 

OM/OW.. Did your MM/MW use this excuse on you as to why they couldn't leave their M??

 

Just curious if he was being honest, or if this is just a common tale.

 

 

Full of shyte.

He goes to work everyday.

He goes out with you - or used to- whatever the case maybe.

Has alone time.

Maybe has a date night with the wife.

 

You know what they say about parents - we have a low standard of happiness - hell, just walking out the front door w/o my kids feels like a freakin' vacation. Add a little imagination and its the freakin' Bahamas.

[Goodbye]

I believe it is just an excuse. It may feel somewhat real to them...not wanting to disappoint the family...but ultimately, if they wanted out badly enough they'd give he spouse a fair settlement, shared custody and hit the road.

 

 

That is what I did. Long before I was an OW, I was a wife in a very lonely marriage. It took some courage and faith on my end but I was unhappy enough that I ended the marriage...and yes, with 3 school aged kids. Not ideal, but we are all doing well. Really well, in fact.

 

 

So, when my exMM confessed his stories of divorce were all make believe, and that he couldn't possibly divorce in real life because he has a son...well, he was speaking to the WRONG person.

 

 

If it isn't the kids, it is finances or aged parents, or tenuous job, or wife with cancer...Either stay or go...just cut the crap.

[GypsyHeart83]

Jwi71.. I think he meant he can't imagine leaving the household/his kids. His children are fairly young (8, and 10), and he thought that by separating the household, that he would ruin their childhood.

 

I believe that's a real fear with him.. Though I think it's unfounded. He's afraid his kids would hate him if he initiated a D from their mother..

[GypsyHeart83]

Goodbye.. Thanks for the insight. Seems like it's the woman more times than not that get the courage to leave an unhappy marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if his wife has threatened to D him.

 

I appreciate your comments, and their truth.

[Goodbye]

Oh, and I just have to say...his wife getting half of the assets is equitable division...NOT "taking him for all he's worth." Even if she was a stay at home mom, most decent judges will consider them significant contributers to the marital assets.

 

 

I think it is even worse if your MM is saying he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to divide the estate equitably. Yuck. At least you can't argue too much with the overused kid excuse.

[jwi71]

Jwi71.. I think he meant he can't imagine leaving the household/his kids. His children are fairly young (8, and 10), and he thought that by separating the household, that he would ruin their childhood.

 

Yet he leaves them every day does he not?

Sometimes for work.

Sometimes for his AP.

Sometimes for the W.

Or maybe just out with friends.

 

Its an EXCUSE - unless you believe he misses his kids every second they are NOT around. And, having kids that very age - I meant it when I said I look FORWARD to Monday on occasion!

 

And yes, I got D 5 years ago - was a single dad (since remarried)- and my kids turned out just fine.

 

I believe that's a real fear with him.. Though I think it's unfounded. He's afraid his kids would hate him if he initiated a D from their mother..

 

So he has an A and RISKS his W filing for D with fault (his A) and suddenly he doesn't have his kids 50% of the time as his W left him?

 

Its an EXCUSE. IT was ok to not have them around and risk that which he fears to have an A...but when it comes to choose one woman over the over - suddenly the kids matter. BS. An excuse. He doesn't want to look bad so he HIDES behinds his kids - you know, in case he wants round two...which would be hard if he said "It was great but I'm not leaving my W".

[GypsyHeart83]

Goodbye.. I was paraphrasing from something my AP had said recently about marriage, not that I don't think she would be entitled to a fair division of the assets in the event of a D.

 

I think, however, the financial side does play a role in his decision to stay. But the focus being more so on how young his kids are.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye.. I was paraphrasing from something my AP had said recently about marriage, not that I don't think she would be entitled to a fair division of the assets in the event of a D.

 

I think, however, the financial side does play a role in his decision to stay. But the focus being more so on how young his kids are.

 

 

 

 

Very good Gypsy...just pointing it out. And I think the division of assets thing weighs heavily on lots of MM's minds as they do the cost/benefit analysis of stay or go.

[hippetyhop]

I'm going through this right now. xMM ended it to try and save their marriage. They have 3 small kids. I think that is the reason behind it for the most part.

 

From friends who have cheated-- the kids is the most common excuse.

[dichotomy]

I am not in affair, but I am a MM who has (in part) has stayed in a difficult marriage due to my children.

[MuddyFootprints]

I love my husband. He drives me bone-ass crazy some days, but I do love him.

 

Marriage and raising kids isn't easy. I was tired of working so hard and gave up on my marriage. My A relationship, as muddled and as much of an emotional roller coaster it was, was a holiday for me in comparison. It was the most costly, cheap vacation from reality I could have ever taken.

[MissBee]

This wasn't an issue in my A.

 

I'm sure it's a real concern for some and just an excuse for others...but I think at the end of the day people's fears outweigh the reality or rather, there are people willing to change their lives and accept what comes along with it and those who would rather complain about their lives but prefer the status quo to the alternative.

 

People with kids divorce all the time and life goes on. Will things change? Sure. Will you take a hit? Sure. But it's not insurmountable. People with kids divorce all the time and life went on for them. Things changed...hello...they have to...but change isn't always bad and with time you gain a new normal.

 

So for me as an OW I really wouldn't worry about if it's an excuse or real concern, as that doesn't change anything. I'd be more interested in knowing if my MM was someone who was willing to change his life or he wasn't. If he isn't...that's his right, but let's be CLEAR that you're not willing to. I think that's where things get dicey...many KNOW they aren't willing to risk what divorce entails but act like they're still thinking about it or it's possible when they know they plan to stay put because the status quo isn't as terrible as change. And some, to their credit, are honest about not being willing to change the status quo...and it's up to the OW to accept this and choose with that info in mind.

[GypsyHeart83]

MissBee.. That's was very well said. I believe everything you just said. I think he is afraid that by "splitting up the family" that he would in some sense, be ruining his kid's childhood.. but I think he's more worried that they'll hate him at some point for leaving their mom for another woman. Even if there is no love between them anymore. (Which I'm not sure there isn't)

 

I guess I was curious because I wanted to be sure there wasn't any way I could help him feel more comfortable with the idea of change. He DOES have a pretty comfortable life built with his W (beautiful home, cars, in-laws, etc) and to ask him to give that all up, the life he's built over 13 years for me, girl he been in an extremely passionate A for only 1 1/2 years is hard. We haven't had the time or the opportunity to build that kind of stability, and may never have the chance. No matter how much we love each other, or want to be with each other.

[GypsyHeart83]

dichotomy.. Thank you for your input. I know that there are lots of instances where people stay in unhappy/abusive/rough marriages strictly for the kids sake thinking it's better for them.. whether in an A, or not.

 

My parents were an example of just this kind of couple. In the end, they were so miserable together during my adolescence, that it actually ended up making my childhood hell. They constantly fought, and my Mom was verbally and physically abusive.

 

I don't know what effects a D has on a childhood, but I know what effects two people who don't love each other staying together "just for the kids" does. And it's not always the best decision, or the one that makes anyone happy.

 

I wish I could make my AP understand that.

[Scorpio Chick]

GypsyHeart83, if it really is about the kids, like you said is as it should be, then he at least gets a big pat on the back for standing out in the crowd. Too many people say 'kids are resilient', etc...but that's not really true about kids, and it's not even true about adults, as is evidenced by all the posts on loveshack from broken-hearted people - adults.

 

I know someone who's going through a divorce and they have two young kids. The youngest is only 5. Once at a family get together he suddenly dropped down to his knees and out loud said a prayer to God that his parents would get back together so his dad didn't have to travel so far to see him. Once parents divorce, it's usually the dad who gets relegated to 'visiting' his kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays. How sad. Usually these men see their new girlfriends far more. It's not fair to the kids.

 

I understand you didn't ask for all of that, but it's a thought you might want to keep in mind. The other thing I would think is that if his kids are really, truly his priority, then he has to acknowledge the fact that what he is doing with you, is going to impact his kids sooner or later, if it isn't already happening in some way. One of the nicest and best pieces of wisdom I've ever heard basically says that if a man wants to love his children, he should love their mother, or at least be good to her.

[GypsyHeart83]

Scorpio Chick.. I can't disagree that keeping the family unit together isn't what's easiest on the children. They wouldn't have to miss out on time with either parent, or move from the home they've grown up in due to selling it in a D.. and if I was 100% certain that he was still in love with his W, I'd happily fade away quietly without a 2nd thought. No matter how much I love him.. because I've heard so much about his children over the 1 1/2 year A with him.. I've fallen in love with them too. As weird as it may sound.. I do care about his kids' welfare.

 

Again, I reiterate that I don't know how a D affects a child. I've never been through it. I only know my experience of two married people staying together "for the kids" that were miserable.. and in turn, it made everyone miserable in the household because of it.

 

Even if there is no fighting, and it's just a silent distain they have, or the cold avoidance that can happen.. It's still not a healthy environment. Visible love is important for children to see.. Kids want to see their parents happy too. Even if it's not together.

[Scorpio Chick]

Well, for far too long too many people have divorced because they SAY they don't love each other anymore, they don't get along, and that might all be well and true but when I worked at the family law office for 5 years, the vast majority of the couples that divorced were divorcing because of that, because they supposedly stopped loving each other.

 

I do take issue with the "it's not a healthy environment" for the kids stance too many people take. If kids ARE so resilient to be able to handle the upending of their world as they've known it, than it should also be true that they are resilient to be able to weather a two parent family, their mother and father, not being lovey dovey in front of them.

 

I think what the issue boils down to, and please pardon me for being so opinionated, but it is that two or maybe one adult can't suck it up for 18 or less years just so that their kids' lives don't have to be rocked. Second marriages fail more than first and third marriages fail even more than second. So, being in love clearly, in my opinion, isn't the problem.

 

I just feel bad for kids. I've seen a lot, I've heard a lot, and I think society as it is now speaks loud and clear for how good divorce has been for kids. A lot of these parents that divorce under the guise of, 'well, it's not healthy for the kids to see their parents arguing,' don't mind using electronics as babysitters, and basically making sure their kids are entertained 24/7. I think parents should divorce if there's physical abuse. And of course you can't force someone to stay in a marriage, but all I'm saying is you didn't say anything about his marriage that screams anyone is being harmed and if his kids are his priority, then he should be willing to do whatever to make the marriage to their mother a priority in making it better. Certainly having an affair is a step in the opposite direction to that. I wouldn't say anything necessarily if this were a childless couple, but it isn't and he's the one singing the praises about his kids being his priority. Basically, to answer your question, no, it is not always an excuse to the affair partner if a parent says they want to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids. People used to do that more long ago, whereas now the minute the honeymoon is over people want to do a complete reversal of what led them to the altar in the first place and throw money at an attorney, and everyone's world gets rocked for a solid one, two or three years during the divorce process. New partner in the picture, lather, rinse, repeat. I just don't get it.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[GypsyHeart83]

It's interesting to hear other perspectives. It allows me to broaden my view. I come from a childhood environment where my parents DID fight constantly, and it DID like as to physical abuse.. so I'm fairly opinionated and sensitive to the "staying together for the kids" issue.

 

I honestly don't know what they dynamic of my AP's household is. Maybe his W is a wonderful, involved mother. I couldn't tell you. I do know that their relationship got so hostile at one point that they never did anything as a complete family unit. It was always him taking the kids places, and her not wanting to go.

 

But who's to say that wasn't him omitting she was there.. I guess my final stance is that the happiness of the parents DOES directly affect the happiness of the children. It all trickles down.. and the parental romantic relationship is the first example of romantic love to kids. So, it's important that they can see and sense the love between them. It will help shape their future romantic relationships into their adulthood.

[sisa]

If you are in his position, will you stay in marriage because of kids?

 

let's stop fooling ourselves, they stay becasue thay want, nobody force them to stay, there is many ways to be a good father even if devorce.

 

It's an excuse no matter what.

are you willing to stay in his third piority forever?

 

there is many kind of MM, but this kind is the most dangerous, becasue somehow they see very caring and good person to you, but in fact how terrible they do.

[Gunthar]

 

My question is: is it ever really about the kids, or is that just a common excuse used to keep you strung along?? I also think a lot has to do with the fact his W would take him for all he's worth. (He's mentioned this recently, and they live in California. She'd get half of everything)

 

MM/MW with children.. Have you ever felt stuck in a unhappy M because of your children, or because of being afraid of losing half your assets, home, etc?

 

Yes, it is.

 

My belief is that it is often, because there isn't much else to stop the progression of the love that an A can produce in two people. So, I think this is a very real reason, without a doubt, and probably more of a reason than is typically believed here (I imagine).

 

For me? Yes, absolutely. I basically don't D my wife because: A- kids would suffer in countless ways if we split, and B- I have to give them an intact family. I would have to have someone waiting for me too, to be honest.

 

But, my xAP is MW (we said we weren't breaking up our homes), so I haven't really put my own estimation of myself to the test.

[Mascara]

I don't think people stay in deeply unhappy marriages these days. It just doesn't happen very much, divorce is so widespread and acceptable these days.

 

They do however stay in stale marriages - the plodding years, when the spark is gone but they do still love each other.

 

So it's probably gone a bit boring and stale, but he doesn't see that as nearly enough reason to leave..... and in fact, you're probably helping by giving him a little bit of excitement in his life. It's enough to make him not mind about the staleness much.