Appropriate?

[mm084]

I struggle with friendships that my husband has when they involve other girls who are people I have never met. Here is the the story, what I need feedback on is how appropriate this is. He tell me I don't need to worry, and I do trust him, the person I don't trust is her.

 

The friend in question is another girl, younger than me, in better shape than me and has more similar interests with him than I do. They met because she was his barista, a BIKINI barista who worked at a popular stand, the only coffee place for miles, outside of his place of work; so, he was there often. In a nut shell, when they meet she was more or less showing most of her body in tiny swimsuits and lingerie for tips as a way to make a living. These establishments are a thing here, so no biggie. In any even, they become FB friends, fine. This happened years ago. I had NO idea they spoke on a daily to weekly basis and met for coffee. He told me it was never a secret but I was unaware of the frequency with which they were talking or conversing. They spoke about her relationship and her problems with her boyfriend, which I said is not something he should be talking to her about or lettging her rely on him for, it's weird. I also said I don't like the circumstances with how you met her and how I have never met her.. or that either of you, being such good buds, never felt the need to introduce us.

 

I eventually started looking up their conversations when I realized that they would speak all day and he would respond to her more than me. Their conversations were mostly inconsequential, but sending her messages like "just know you are awesome if no one tells you today" freaks me out, especially since I never get told any nice things... pretty much ever. I confronted him on this and he was angry that " I don't like his friends" and that he has always been up front about this person and why should it be bothering me now since they have been friends for 3 years now. I responded with something like "i had no idea what was going on here, but I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting an acquaintance type connection her." He told me I was being unreasonable. I also said that I need to know her if they are gonna be best buds since she is kinda... questionable, he told me he "would think about it". SO i friended her and asked her what was going on, she said I had nothing to worry about and I said "fine, but this is still weird". I haven't spoken to her since then, but they have continued to talk and ended up at the same Dirty Dash together and ended up running the course with she and her friends and took group pics. Now, I am not one for ultimatums, but I am very resentful of her motivations for talking to him and relying on his council, even more so now that she and her long term boyfriend have broken up and she is telling him about all of her plans with other guys now. Where are her girlfriends? Her friends who talk about this stuff with her, why does she need to talk to a married dude about this stuff. He told me he tells her stuff like "you are awesome" because she needs to hear it more than I do, even though I never hear it. I may not need to hear it all the time but wtf?

 

I am considering talking to her again and explaining why I am SO NOT OK with this and WHY THIS MAKES NO SENSE to me, and why it isn't fair I am being made out to be the ass hole when I still don't understand why she wants to talk to him, and he her. She seems to hold all the qualities I do not, so yes I am confronted with jealously as well as inadequacies, as well as holding more in common (at least superficially) with the guy I married.

 

I have asked other married friends what they think, and they all say "this is weird" but I dunno... what gives?

[d0nnivain]

It's a problem because it appears to be going on behind your back. If he was more up front about it & invited you to the Dash thing even to cheer him on, it would be less offensive, at least to me.

[firmness]

I struggle with friendships that my husband has when they involve other girls who are people I have never met. Here is the the story, what I need feedback on is how appropriate this is. He tell me I don't need to worry, and I do trust him, the person I don't trust is her.

 

The friend in question is another girl, younger than me, in better shape than me and has more similar interests with him than I do. They met because she was his barista, a BIKINI barista who worked at a popular stand, the only coffee place for miles, outside of his place of work; so, he was there often. In a nut shell, when they meet she was more or less showing most of her body in tiny swimsuits and lingerie for tips as a way to make a living. These establishments are a thing here, so no biggie. In any even, they become FB friends, fine. This happened years ago. I had NO idea they spoke on a daily to weekly basis and met for coffee. He told me it was never a secret but I was unaware of the frequency with which they were talking or conversing. They spoke about her relationship and her problems with her boyfriend, which I said is not something he should be talking to her about or lettging her rely on him for, it's weird. I also said I don't like the circumstances with how you met her and how I have never met her.. or that either of you, being such good buds, never felt the need to introduce us.

 

I eventually started looking up their conversations when I realized that they would speak all day and he would respond to her more than me. Their conversations were mostly inconsequential, but sending her messages like "just know you are awesome if no one tells you today" freaks me out, especially since I never get told any nice things... pretty much ever. I confronted him on this and he was angry that " I don't like his friends" and that he has always been up front about this person and why should it be bothering me now since they have been friends for 3 years now. I responded with something like "i had no idea what was going on here, but I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting an acquaintance type connection her." He told me I was being unreasonable. I also said that I need to know her if they are gonna be best buds since she is kinda... questionable, he told me he "would think about it". SO i friended her and asked her what was going on, she said I had nothing to worry about and I said "fine, but this is still weird". I haven't spoken to her since then, but they have continued to talk and ended up at the same Dirty Dash together and ended up running the course with she and her friends and took group pics. Now, I am not one for ultimatums, but I am very resentful of her motivations for talking to him and relying on his council, even more so now that she and her long term boyfriend have broken up and she is telling him about all of her plans with other guys now. Where are her girlfriends? Her friends who talk about this stuff with her, why does she need to talk to a married dude about this stuff. He told me he tells her stuff like "you are awesome" because she needs to hear it more than I do, even though I never hear it. I may not need to hear it all the time but wtf?

 

I am considering talking to her again and explaining why I am SO NOT OK with this and WHY THIS MAKES NO SENSE to me, and why it isn't fair I am being made out to be the ass hole when I still don't understand why she wants to talk to him, and he her. She seems to hold all the qualities I do not, so yes I am confronted with jealously as well as inadequacies, as well as holding more in common (at least superficially) with the guy I married.

 

I have asked other married friends what they think, and they all say "this is weird" but I dunno... what gives?

 

First of all, I am sorry that another fellow human being has to experience this. It must suck

 

You do not deserve this, and I hate to say this but this sounds like typical female behavior. I think your man is being spiteful for some reason. This sounds to me like revenge for something. Only you can confirm or refute this.

 

I belong to several sites like this and your scenario is played out almost daily. Even here you see a lot of this from men saying that their wives have this male "friend".

 

The most common response from women is "He is being controlling and/or insecure. He cannot control you and he cannot tell a woman who she can have as friends" This response is so common that you can predict them before they are even posted! Try it! You will see.

 

So men read this stuff and start claiming the same freedom. This goes back through all of human history so there is no man/woman thing here. But in your case, it seems like that is at play.

 

At the end of the day, it is our responsibility as partners to make the other feel safe. To feel trusted and at ease. If that trust is not earned, then you cannot really have respect. And without trust and respect, how can you have real intimacy? These three things are so intertwined that it is shocking that they do not teach this in grammar school.

 

The only thing you can do is change your own behavior. You should work on your. Become the sort of woman he wants to be with. Isn't that what attraction is all about? Have you let this go?

 

If so, then this is the price you pay. We have to be on our game for our whole lives. Men and women included.

 

Work on yourself, get some interests, be kind and accommodating without being needy and weak.

 

That is a good way to start.

[michellew]

Sounds like he wants her, but she may only see him as a friend and like the attention she gets from him (and possibly big tips).

 

You say she is good looking and has a nice body...If he were single, do you think he could get a girl like her? How old is your husband? How old is she?

[beyondcrushed]

Bottom line....you told him how it makes you feel and what you need from him. Now all you can do is observe. And decide if you want to continue being in your marriage or end it. You can't change him. You can't control him. You can only make choices and take actions for yourself. Unfortunately you have to e

ither accept what he gives you or not, and leave.

 

I am going through the same thing with my bf. He has befriended the female bartender at his favorite restaurant/bar. He frequents there several times a week and stays for hours during work hours. He has gone drinking with her and his male friends. He texts her. And they've gone motorcycle riding with her husband. He has introduced me once. Never invited me out for drinks, lunch, dinner at the bar, nor out with her and her hubby. He won't have lunch with me during work but will with a buddy at her bar. I have told him how it makes me feel and what I need -- him to be open and transparent and include me in that friendship. He was defensive. Wouldn't show me their texts. Like you I'm left wondering...Wtf? So now I will wait and see how he treats me and our relationship. If I can't accept what he gives, then I'm prepared to end it with him. I'm sick of this sh**. Not worth it for me when I could be doing something so much better with my time.

Edited July 8, 2014 by beyondcrushed