"We're trying to save our marriage" [update]

[hippetyhop]

I’m trying to take in account everyone’s posts at once.

 

 

Honestly—I’m ready to move on. I don’t know why I’m hanging on or being discouraged. This is a never-ending cycle that needs to be broken and I’m not helping anyone’s situation. BS probably knows their M is over. MM likely knows their M is over, but not taking the steps to officially end it. Their M probably ended when our A started; or, it was broken before that. Owl is right—as long as I’m an active party, their M will likely just fall back into the same rut. I’d like to know what the ‘many changes’ are and what it entails.

 

 

 

OWAmy, is your xMM and BS still married? Have you heard from him in any way? Was he trying to save their M? When someone says “trying to save this” it makes me wonder how much they are in it to really ‘save it’ or are they just trying to go with the flow?

 

 

 

I’m not sure how long he’ll stick with it so long as he’s making contact with me. I don’t plan on initiating contact with him first although he asked if contact was okay with me, then went back on his word and said “hope to hear from you from more than every once in awhile.”

(Just ramblings right now).

[beach]

Then why would he put the ball in my court? To soften the blow or to keep the invitation open at my discretion? Or his way of not having any enemies. I would keep it open but i wouldn't have any reason to contact him.

 

So that he's not responsible for his failed M. So that he can blame his W and/or you - anyone but himself.

 

He keeps the line of communication open to feed his ego.

 

It's all about getting what he wants.

 

I hope you know you deserve more than what he's offered - I hope you end it and find an available man to love.

[Sub]

Him: Yes, its a very complicated situation. And many things have to change to make it work but I have to try. And I hope to talk to you more than every once in awhile. I love and care for you as well. Always will. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse. But I wanted you to know that.

 

Me: I'm not oblivious. I figured it was more complicated than a little spat; that is why I gave you space. All you can do is try and at least you said you did.

 

Him: That's true.

 

Me: I don't know if it makes it better or worse. We have a kick ass chemistry and bond. That's for certain. I hope to talk to you more than here and there too.

 

Him: I would like that. That we do..and I still find you sexy as hell =

 

Me: And you'll always be my sexy papi...even when you are 50 and 40lbs overweight LOL, jk (joke between us). Even then, I won't judge.

 

My thoughts:

 

Platonic level since we are both in agreeance with it and it was his choice. He's at peace I didn't entirely blow him off. I think this will fade in the wind.

 

 

It's been said before, but I think you're deluding yourselves with the platonic thing. You can't have a text exchange about going platonic that includes saying how sexy you still find each other. Just not going to happen, IMO. And the talking "more than here and there" is just going to revert to seeing you once in a while. Then it's on again.

[hippetyhop]

It's been said before, but I think you're deluding yourselves with the platonic thing. You can't have a text exchange about going platonic that includes saying how sexy you still find each other. Just not going to happen, IMO. And the talking "more than here and there" is just going to revert to seeing you once in a while. Then it's on again.

 

I was initially thrown off by that. I wonder if my lack of response last night triggered that I am okay with not talking to him. He was pretty persistent this a.m. to get a response from me.

[imfine]

I agree you should definitely NOT send him any loving message. It doesn't matter what his motives are, he is continuing to choose his marriage. Just let him go. I think the best response is no response. Block him in every way. If you must respond, I would send something like "Nah. I've got plenty of friends." Then block him in every way.

[KaliLove]

You keep talking about wanting HIM to be happy, but what about YOUR happiness? Is being 'friends' with someone who rejected you for someone else really making you happy? Is it helping you move on from all of this?

 

What about your happiness?

Edited July 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hippetyhop]

I'm going with the tactic of not initiating contact and hope he will do the same.

 

Yes-- he says he wants to be friends, but what does he have to contact me on or make small talk about? He has to find a reason to talk to me.

[Owl]

I have a question.

 

What do YOU want out of all of this?

 

You're putting everything on hold, standing by waiting to see what he's gonna do next...

 

But you're not talking about what YOU want out of all of this.

 

What do YOU want? Him to end his marriage and explore a relationship with you? The affair to resume/continue as it has been? The affair to end, and he reconciles his marriage?

 

I heartily suggest you take back your own power. Take control of your life, based on what YOU want.

 

Then...TELL HIM point blank what you expect from him moving forward.

 

The only thing that cannot realistically happen here is for the affair to end, and he successfully works on his marriage with the two of you maintaining any kind of contact.

[beach]

I'm going with the tactic of not initiating contact and hope he will do the same.

 

Yes-- he says he wants to be friends, but what does he have to contact me on or make small talk about? He has to find a reason to talk to me.

 

Since you say you won't initiate contact - why not hold him to the same set of rules?

 

If he contacts - remind him that he's working on his M.

 

Do this FOR YOURSELF!

 

You want a vacancy for an available man! He's trying to be sure you don't fill the vacancy... He's the cake eater!

[hippetyhop]

Fair question, Owl.

 

I don't know what I want. I'm in such a haze right now.

 

I know I'm not going to contact him first.

 

If he wants contact, he'll have to contact me. I hold the stance that he is trying to save it. Thus, I shouldn't intrude. He won't hear from me. I'm hoping he takes this as an opportunity to really work on fixing their M. I'm giving him the opportunity to. If he does feel inclined to to reach to me and he asks why I haven't talked to him, I'll tell him exactly that.

 

I have just so many thoughts going through my head and its spinning :/

[hippetyhop]

Since you say you won't initiate contact - why not hold him to the same set of rules?

 

If he contacts - remind him that he's working on his M.

 

Do this FOR YOURSELF!

 

You want a vacancy for an available man! He's trying to be sure you don't fill the vacancy... He's the cake eater!

 

Beach--that is exact stance I'm taking. I do not want to intrude. I'm giving him the chance to fix it. Like I said--maybe he needs my good graces of open communication and someone not hating him to move on.

[Owl]

Fair question, Owl.

 

I don't know what I want. I'm in such a haze right now.

 

I know I'm not going to contact him first.

 

If he wants contact, he'll have to contact me. I hold the stance that he is trying to save it. Thus, I shouldn't intrude. He won't hear from me. I'm hoping he takes this as an opportunity to really work on fixing their M. I'm giving him the opportunity to. If he does feel inclined to to reach to me and he asks why I haven't talked to him, I'll tell him exactly that.

 

I have just so many thoughts going through my head and its spinning :/

 

My thoughs are that you spend some time deciding what you truly want out of all of this.

 

And then take ACTION towards your own goal.

 

If you want to support him working on his marriage...then tell him it's over between you, and block him from being able to contact you.

 

If you want him to be with you...then tell him that he needs to work towards divorce/seperation/etc...

 

If you simply want to resume the affair...do nothing, and it will happen on its own.

[Owl]

Beach--that is exact stance I'm taking. I do not want to intrude. I'm giving him the chance to fix it. Like I said--maybe he needs my good graces of open communication and someone not hating him to move on.

 

No, I find this very, very unlikely. He doesn't need your good graces or not hating you to move on. Open communication with you is actually a bane against his marriage reconciliation attemps.

 

If he wants to work on his marriage...he needs NC with you, forever.

 

It is that simple...perhaps not easy...but that simple.

[Sub]

I do not want to intrude.

 

This may mean something different than what you think. Being a support system for him during this supposed reconciliation can be seen as an intrusion. Telling him you hope to talk more than here and there can be seen as an intrusion. You're just leaving the door open for him, giving him hope that if it doesn't work out with his W, you'll be there when it doesn't. I'd have to imagine you're a cheating man's dream in that regard.

[hippetyhop]

I do need some time to think about it on my own, which is good because I'll be shocked if I hear from him. No guarantees. He may see this as a fresh start.

 

Although I told him I'll be there for him, doesn't mean he'll take me up on my offer.

 

"giving him hope that if it doesn't work out with his W, you'll be there when it doesn't."

 

But the thing is--I'm not waiting around for him. He wants to try and reconcile, that is fine. I'm not going to sit around and wait. It'll be his loss if he ever comes back around.

[Charlie Harper]

My history is somewhat similar to you, my AP asked me for N.C. to save her marriage… I did went no contact for 8 months, have talked to her twice, she is still working on her M, I LOVED HER SO MUCH THAT I BROKE THE A. I truly want her to be happy, if its returning home and fixing her M so be it…

 

I knew what was the risk on an A.

 

My advice…let him try… go N.C. no ifs or buts.

 

Good luck

[imfine]

Do yourself a favor and skip being "friends". He's downgrading you from ow to friend to ease his guilt, as if being the ow doesn't feel bad enough. Maybe he thinks he can even score a shag every now & then. Don't do it for your sake.

[hippetyhop]

My history is somewhat similar to you, my AP asked me for N.C. to save her marriage… I did went no contact for 8 months, have talked to her twice, she is still working on her M, I LOVED HER SO MUCH THAT I BROKE THE A. I truly want her to be happy, if its returning home and fixing her M so be it…

 

I knew what was the risk on an A.

 

My advice…let him try… go N.C. no ifs or buts.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you. We are not exactly on NC, but I am not contacting him just so he can focus on that although he alleges he wants to hear from me more than from time to time. If he contacts me and asks why I haven't talked to him, I'll tell him that I'm not intruding in his reconciliation.

 

Last July I ended the A and told him to focus on his marriage. He contacted me in October and we rekindled. During that time, I asked him how the M was. He said nothing changed.

 

Could changes possibly be in the mix this time around? Could they possibly be serious about fixing it?

 

Do yourself a favor and skip being "friends". He's downgrading you from ow to friend to ease his guilt, as if being the ow doesn't feel bad enough. Maybe he thinks he can even score a shag every now & then. Don't do it for your sake.

 

Isn't it an upgrade from OW to a friend? JK

 

I don't think he'd try to score anything with me...as it was his words we can never see each other again.

[Sub]

Although I told him I'll be there for him, doesn't mean he'll take me up on my offer.

He's a man, who's shared a lot with you and still finds you "sexy as hell". He'll take you up on the offer at some point.

 

 

But the thing is--I'm not waiting around for him. He wants to try and reconcile, that is fine. I'm not going to sit around and wait. It'll be his loss if he ever comes back around.

What he hears/reads and what you mean can be two different things IMO. Until you actually move on and find someone else, you're still an option for him. Right now, he hears you telling him how much you love him, how you still want to be there for him. That doesn't translate to "I'm moving on. It's your loss." in his head.

[hippetyhop]

That is the thing though--I'm not waiting around. He may think I am, but I'm not.

 

I didn't respond to him right away last night, so he texts me early this am (6:35 to be exact). That threw me for a loop. So its okay if I give him space, but I need to give him an answer then? That is what I took it as-- the 'okay' from me for him to move on to greener pastures so he can move on without any negative feelings from people and on a clean slate per se. He asked me if I understand we can't see each other and he's trying to repair his M. I do understand and I do respect that.

 

Yes, he said he'd like to hear from me. But how much is that the bull talking to make me feel good?

 

Will I miss him? Definitely. I see this as the end. You would think a person would take someone up on their offer who is giving you their good graces to repair your M and not intrude. Or, maybe he wants me to fight for him? I'm not sure.

Edited July 8, 2014 by hippetyhop

[beach]

I do need some time to think about it on my own, which is good because I'll be shocked if I hear from him. No guarantees. He may see this as a fresh start.

 

Although I told him I'll be there for him, doesn't mean he'll take me up on my offer.

 

"giving him hope that if it doesn't work out with his W, you'll be there when it doesn't."

 

But the thing is--I'm not waiting around for him. He wants to try and reconcile, that is fine. I'm not going to sit around and wait. It'll be his loss if he ever comes back around.

 

See, that's the thing - it's HIS WIFE that should be there for him.

 

What you should be doing is thinking about yourself more than your MM.

 

That's the trouble - your too focused on what HE may or may not do.

 

Better to focus on what you need to do to look out for your own best interest.

[jellybean89]

Why would you send him a gentle loving message? I often see ow on these forums breaking up with him by saying things like "I'll always love you" or "do what you need to, contact me if it doesn't work out" or "I don't to want to do this, but I care too much"

 

The reason that MM usually stay with the status quo is that many of them have selfish personalities, and they can't bear to be disliked. If he breaks up with you, or tells you he plans to stay with his wife, it's often because he can't bear to be the bad guy.

 

And he can't bear to be the bad guy with his mistress either. So he'll do his best to elicit a reaction from you that let's him know you don't hate him.

 

In short, most of these MM are quite content to live without their mistresses as long as they know she still cares for him.

 

I'm not saying react with anger. What they can't stand is indifference. "Yeah, this isn't working for me anymore, let's leave it there" and not "I will always love you and so will let you go"

 

Agree with this ^^^^

 

 

Why oh why do you think you will "always" love him? Why did you feel as if that must be said to him?

 

My take is he wants to "end" it with you so you don't get pissed for being used and blow up his world - such as telling his wife. You know who she is and there is little doubt that if you wanted to, you could contact her. He knows this and needs to appease you so you stay "loyal" to the guy who just dumped you.

 

I take it if I would take a step back and less contact/put my guard up then it wouldn't help either?

 

He told me he wants to see me happy. I told him to focus on himself right now as he has a lot on his plate and not to worry about me. He said "its all good." I'd like to know what he has to try to do to save his M and how talking to me helps that.

 

He doesn't give a damn if you are happy! Why don't you see that? He didn't care that you had to deal with being the OW, the sneaking around, the lies, the pittance of time he gave you.

 

As for what I bolded, his marriage and the "saving" of it is not your business. He's not gonna "talk" to you, he may send a text every now and then to make sure you haven't realized what an a-hole he is because of how he treated you, but it's not your concern how they recover their marriage, what is said and what actions are required. Heck, for all you know, he found another OW and he couldn't juggle 2 so he let you go so he can focus on her.

 

Why do you think talking to you would help his marriage? I admit to skimming the posts but don't recall where he said anywhere that.

 

Sounds like you are going to hang on, since you will "always" love him. That's not healthy at all for you.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I was transported in time after reading your posts hippetyhop. You sound exactly like I did when I was ending my affair. I swore that I would not contact him, and if we spoke it would have to be him contacting me. I told myself that we could still be friends, but your setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

 

You make it so easy for him, he doesn;t have to worry about trying to maintain the relationship with you he can reach out when it's convenient for him, and when he does, you will be right there eager to feed his ego and make him feel better about himself.

 

There is also no such thing as being platonic friends after you've had an affair. He is playing the friends card so he can selfishly keep you around for his convenience, if he really loved you he would let you find happiness with someone you can truly be happy with, and he can focus on "saving his marriage"

 

I really hope you can see past his selfish BS, and stop all contact. if he contacts you IGNORE HIM... he needs to focus on his marriage, right?

[Goodbye]

Fair question, Owl.

 

I don't know what I want. I'm in such a haze right now.

 

I know I'm not going to contact him first.

 

If he wants contact, he'll have to contact me. I hold the stance that he is trying to save it. Thus, I shouldn't intrude. He won't hear from me. I'm hoping he takes this as an opportunity to really work on fixing their M. I'm giving him the opportunity to. If he does feel inclined to to reach to me and he asks why I haven't talked to him, I'll tell him exactly that.

 

I have just so many thoughts going through my head and its spinning :/

 

 

 

Do you hope he will contact you? Are you checking your lines of communication to see if he has?

[randomwoman]

Today, he sent me a text that said."I had a good long talk with BS and we are going to try to save this. That being said, we can still talk if you want but we can never meet again. I hope you understand."

 

 

Advice??!

 

I think you should just move on. Based on this, he will never really feel what you want him to feel for you. If you're ok with friendship, I would go NC for a few months and then re-evaluate the situation when the romantic feelings have subsided. He's not going anywhere, don't waste your time. All guys try to leave that door open. I've been thru this and been used countless times for ego boosts etc but I was never a priority.