"We're trying to save our marriage" [update]

[hippetyhop]

I don't think he would, either. But I think it's more out of necessity than anything. He doesn't need to cross the line. He knows you're there. Not waiting for him, as you said. But you're there in some capacity, single. I'm not for playing games or "experimenting" with someone's emotions, but I'd be curious to know what his response would be if/when you met someone else and started dating them. [/Quote]

 

Sub-- I'm curious about how he'll act then as well. Parts of me wants to tell him that I'm seeing someone just for that exact reason.

 

He didn't ask if I was still single- he figures after 2 weeks I'm still head over heels for him and waiting for him to contact me. He may wonder though if I am when I keep the texts on a friendly nature (no inappropriate talk, no ego stroking, etc.) if he continues to contact me (no guarantees there) and since I don't contact him first. He'll get the hint and fade away.

 

I think the greater question is this: Even if things did work on a platonic level between the two of you, do you think he can truly salvage his M while remaining friends with you?

 

That is a good question, and the the answer is likely no. I can't say for certain because I don't know what goes on between the two of them in their house. Perhaps he can salvage his M why wanting to be friends. I'm not sure what they discussed about their M and what needs to happen for it to be successful.

[hippetyhop]

Bottom line for me-my wish for you is that you are able to do whats best for you-period- not this very minute for sure-but that each day you are able to see your situation more clearly and are able to take steps that benefit you- actually thats my wish for me as well, so don't think I am sitting on a high horse saying I am doing everything right in every situation every minute of everyday as I try to navigate the reality of my life right now-

 

Thank you. I greatly appreciate your well wishes.

 

Its a rough journey and everyone handles it a bit differently. We can say we won't respond, or when people tell you not to--when push comes to shove, its not always easy.

 

I think its how you respond that makes the difference. He kept it platonic talking about running. I kept it platonic doing the same. We left it at that. Although I did respond, one of the steps was not giving in complimenting him and stroking his ego. That may have been an eye opener for him as that isn't like me.

 

Each day that goes by and passes that I don't hear from him, I'm okay with it. That is why I'm not all up in arms about him contacting me and having false hope.

 

I hope you are finding peace along your journey as well.

[Owl]

Hippity...according to the agreemant of our bet...now you actively BLOCK him from contacting you again, remember?

 

THIS IS PRECISELY WHY I INSISTED YOU DO SO IN ALL OF MY PREVIOUS POSTS.

 

He contacted you...you caved.

 

That's why you actively PREVENT further contact.

 

Make it happen.

 

That simple.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hippety, I have been where you are. If you look within yourself, you will admit that you want to hear from him. You DO care if you hear from him. You aren't indifferent about hearing from him, OR you would block him from contacting you so that he could "work on his marriage" (interesting how everyone puts that in parenthesis because most people probably doubt that's what he's doing - at least, not in the correct way).

 

I'm not trying to be mean and certainly not accusatory. It's a really difficult thing to admit but I believe it is true for you. It takes a lot of time and work.

 

It doesn't matter if he goes "over the line" in a text message. All he has to do is check in and make sure that you are still there, because then he knows that you are the back-up if or when he wants you back where he had you before. He isn't going to go "over the line" now since he's "working on his marriage" but make no mistake about it - his texts to you about running, etc are to make sure you are still there at the other end. If you didn't reply, then he would likely push and push until you did and he knew you were still where he wants you.

 

I wish you peace - it's a hard road.

[hippetyhop]

Hippity...according to the agreemant of our bet...now you actively BLOCK him from contacting you again, remember?

 

THIS IS PRECISELY WHY I INSISTED YOU DO SO IN ALL OF MY PREVIOUS POSTS.

 

He contacted you...you caved.

 

That's why you actively PREVENT further contact.

 

Make it happen.

 

That simple.

 

Hippety, I have been where you are. If you look within yourself, you will admit that you want to hear from him. You DO care if you hear from him. You aren't indifferent about hearing from him, OR you would block him from contacting you so that he could "work on his marriage" (interesting how everyone puts that in parenthesis because most people probably doubt that's what he's doing - at least, not in the correct way).

 

I'm not trying to be mean and certainly not accusatory. It's a really difficult thing to admit but I believe it is true for you. It takes a lot of time and work.

 

It doesn't matter if he goes "over the line" in a text message. All he has to do is check in and make sure that you are still there, because then he knows that you are the back-up if or when he wants you back where he had you before. He isn't going to go "over the line" now since he's "working on his marriage" but make no mistake about it - his texts to you about running, etc are to make sure you are still there at the other end. If you didn't reply, then he would likely push and push until you did and he knew you were still where he wants you.

 

I wish you peace - it's a hard road.

 

I can block him from email, but not my phone. Its a work phone, and I can't do it without company approval/raising suspicion. I can speak to HR and see what they can do and get them involved with me using the phone against company policy OR try give just give the silent treatment/cold shoulder. I can't implement apps to block the phone either. I don't have the permissions on my phone. I would rather do the latter than get my work involved. I'm strong enough for the cold shoulder and have him get the hint I'm not going back into this.

 

Hope- I do still care for him, I do. I won't deny that. However, I won't get involved in that circle anymore and I won't wait around. Honestly, it took A LOT for me to not throw compliments at him and whatnot. It really did. If he's looking for me to stroke his ego, I'm not. He won't initiate anything next re inappropriate comments. hhe's waiting for me to do that as in the past I would see this as him continuing with it and I would try to get him back. Not anymore. It's not as ideal as nc but my guard is up. This was the first step for me to show that 'hey--you want platonic--you got it.'

Edited July 23, 2014 by hippetyhop

[gettingstronger]

Although I did respond, one of the steps was not giving in complimenting him and stroking his ego. That may have been an eye opener for him as that isn't like me.

 

 

 

So interesting because the communication I read between my husband and our OW was so full of ego boosts it was almost embarrassing- I was like, you are a full grown man, why do you need such compliments like an insecure teenaged girl? In therapy he has learned to take pride in his life and actions and get internal satisfaction by doing right rather than look for these types of ego boosts- he even said, you know hearing that I was so wonderful was great but deep down I knew I was the lowest of the low for doing what I was doing, it was a vicious cycle-

[Patna]

Question for those who were involved in an A:

 

Not sure how many read my story, but, I was wondering how many A's ended on the terms of being 'friends' yet no contact ever existed?

 

About 2 weeks ago, my xMM told me he was going to work on his M but basically still wanted to be friends. After a couple of texts, and then a random text a week ago, I haven't heard back. I'm thinking its the end. I won't reach out either.

 

Has anyone else not heard from an old AP in a case/situation such as this with peaceful, mutual parting of the seas?

 

Honestly: Although I miss him, but I am doing well. I'm keeping busy and sticking to what I need to in order to happily move on and am focused on hitting my personal mini-milestones (miles ran, classes completed, etc). I'm taking everything one day at a time, and each day is a bit better than the last.

 

Just curious..that is all. If I can't ask amongst people in similar situations, then who can I ask?

 

Owl is right, and many of them too. They always come back, not all, but most. And the only reason they came back was because we allowed them to.

 

xMM had a Dday last Dec, and like yours, he talked about repairing the marriage, that he has to end our relationship, and he's never going to see me anymore etc. I was crushed, thinking that's the end of all that we used to share. I went through the initial stages of grief, namely denial, bargaining, anger etc.

 

Guess what, 2 weeks aft Dday, he resumed low contact. Another 2 weeks later, we met, resumed the friendship. 2 months after Dday, we resumed the A. Almost all APs can never be friends. Even if there's no sex, it's still an EA. The past few months, he began talking about how guilty each time he felt and then he'll pull away again. I'll get so hurt, I'll stop contact with him for a few weeks, and when I begin healing, he'll reach out again. And he never relents till I soften and we resume again. It's a continuous cycle. I never believed that A are addictive, but it truly is. Each time they come back though, they are less invested emotionally than the previous time. And we get more hurt and bitter each time too. Is this what you want?

 

Even if you maintain friendship, it's also hurting. Real friends are able to talk about every aspect of their lives. Can he truly tell you everything about his marriage? Can you bear to hear it if he's truthful enough to tell you that his sex with his wife is good and getting better now that they are reconciling? Do you want to be there for him even as a friend to hear how they spent their weekends bringing their children out? Will it not hurt you?

 

We officially broke up more than a month ago. 2 weeks ago, he asked to meet me again. He initiated sex, and I gave in because I thought he missed me since we broke up. After that, he told me we are still just friends. So the truth is... Yes they'll probably miss you and the past relationship, but not the way we imagine they would miss us. Yes, APs can be friends after the A. Friends with benefits would be more appropriate. APs just can never resume normal friendship again. As woman, we are always more emotionally invested, and we want them to be as well. Even as friends, we want them to be emotionally invested. Honestly I wanted to keep him as a friend initially because I can't bear to let him go and I guess it's better keeping him as a friend than to lose him totally from my life. Be honest with yourself, are you also wanting to keep him as a friend because you have degraded further to accept him for the lesser breadcrumbs he is offering you? So many APs will just be degraded from OW to FWB when the MM don't want to be so committed and invested in you anymore but still want to reap the benefits of an A.

 

Since that last time I saw him, although I can't say that my all my feelings have evaporated, but it has greatly diminished how I felt for him. If he had cared enough for me and my feelings, he wouldn't keep me in his life, hanging me by the hook, and furthering hurting me. He can tell me he still wants me as a friend, and he still calls me everyday, but I know a real friend will not hurt me like how he did. Someone who truly loves me will let me go if they had saw how they had hurt me. Someone who love me will protect me enough to let me go. I have refused to see him anymore even though he has been trying especially hard. He's only trying hard not because he truly love me, but he didn't want to lost his piece of cake. Why should I continue to meet him to be somebody's piece of cake? I definitely deserve better. The sad part was I allowed myself to learn the hard way of growing up and loving myself. I'm sharing my experiences here only because I don't want you to walk in my footsteps. You don't have to learn the hard way, unless you allow yourself to.

 

He is a cake-eater, keeping you as an option, by keeping the door for contact open. He's becoming warm and cold because that's how they are. That's how they can continue to string you along. They are warm when they are less stressed, have more free time, and have cravings for booty calls. Then when they got what they want, they become cold again. You notice his lukewarm replies, don't you? They are lukewarm because they know they already have you. And when they realise they are losing you again, they become warm again to pull you back. Ask yourself, is this real love? If you really love someone, would you be emotionally unavailable, be so inconsistent, and blow hot & cold, not caring how it would hurt the person you claim you truly love? Would you want to continue playing this game even as friends? You can become cold like how you tried previously, but noticed how you get suck back in once he message you? And as friends, you should not be affected the way you were when he blows hot and cold each time he messages you, but you are. So is even keeping him as a friend healthy for you emotionally?

 

It's not worth keeping the friendship. I would rather spend the time loving myself, and thinking less about him. By keeping him as your friend, no matter how strong you may say you are, or how busy you keep yourself to be, you will still give a portion of your time to thinking about him and the past. By keeping him as a friend, you will never truly heal and move on.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Patna

[Owl]

Hippity...you claim to be strong enough to resist if he contacts you...but your actions indicate otherwise.

 

Got no better advice left to offer you, my friend.

[beach]

ANY contact with him is to feed HIS ego.

 

Better not to supply him with that. He can go looking to his spouse for what he needs.

 

It's a matter of ALLOWING him to USE you if you respond.

[tornado]

I've come to think that everything about men is about their ego.

 

Be bitchy with them, and you will control them. Or else, THEY will control you.

 

I'm not sure they know the meaning of LOVE.

 

My best advice is to ignore him.