My stbx is acting like a crazy person

[kimizmat]

I would really appreciate any input at this point. Here's the situation, in brief: My husband of four years (together for 12) and I separated two months ago. I initiated it, because I had been seriously unhappy for about 6 months. He started a new job at a prison shortly before, and his personality changed drastically. He would come home and speak to me as if I were an inmate. He spent less time talking with me, lost motivation for our usual hobbies, cut communication with several friends and family members.

 

We had a blowup in September and he professed that he wanted to work things out with me. He asked that I "be patient" and allow him to work out his troubles himself. I did, I gave him space, attempted open conversations, anything I could think to do. He remained distant and aloof for the next two months. I blew up in December and suggested separation. He abruptly agreed, walked out and hasn't returned.

 

I made contact with him under the advice of my therapist. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused. I asked that he at least consider couselling for himself, he said he'd "consider it". He was cold, angry and bitter when we spoke. I asked that he at least try to keep the lines of communication open.

 

A little over a week later, he began calling my work one day, every hour, on the hour, trying to find out when I'd arrive. (they don't give out my schedule over the phone) When I arrived, he had called four times, starting at 5 in the am. I called him, and he said he was "trying to keep the lines of communication open like I suggested". Does anyone else see this as odd? We small talked, he sounded calm and said he'd call again soon. He called the next day, telling me that even though he's made his decision about us, he would go to counselling out of respect for me. (?) I supported this notion, even though I was heartbroken that he'd already made his "decision" about ending our relationship. He then began calling every day for a week, just to tell me he loved me, to see how I was, and eventually it came to him asking me "what do you want to do?" I indicated that I wanted to work things out, each do our part, seek counselling etc. He sounded interested and said we should talk about this some more. He said he loved me and hung up.

 

He phoned the next day and his tone had completely changed. He was terse and distant. I asked him how he was and he said, "just getting used to things!" I asked if he wanted to get together to talk and he abrubtly said, "I don't know!" I lost it after that, and told him that he was behaving totally irrational. The last time I spoke to him, I reminded him that I was still his wife, that our relationship deserved more than this, and that until he served me with divorce papers, he should remember this. One week later, I got quickie divorce papers in the mail. Now we don't speak. Does anyone out there have ANY insight? Preferrably men? I'm desperate for opinions. We have been best friends for so long, I'm lost and don't understand what's happened.

[westernxer]

Sounds like prison duty has gotten to him, and he's starting to crack as a result of it.

 

My brother's a sheriff and works at the county prison. He's pretty grounded and tries his best he can to separate work from home and family. So far he's doing okay, but others aren't so lucky.

 

Your husband really needs to see a therapist, with or without you. I'm sure he has access to it. Most officers do. He's obviously under a lot of stress and is either too stubborn or out of touch with reality to accept it. Until he realizes it, you're better off staying away from him, because his volatile behavior may translate into physical violence towards you. His mood swings on the phone sound like the tip of the iceberg.

 

I really feel for those in law enforcement. They deal with the worst society has to offer, and oftentimes they become monsters themselves in order to keep us safe. If they don't, then they won't survive long enough to collect their pension when it's time to hang up the badge and gun. Tragically, some of them lose the ability to maintain healthy marriages as a result.

 

Is there a support group for officers' wives? If so, I recommend you go. If not, see if you can talk to some of the other wives on a night out somewhere. I bet you're not the only one who's going through this.

 

Does your husband have any close buddies in the force? Maybe you can talk to one of them in confidence and have them counsel with him, but nonchalantly of course. Talking with a buddy who understands can work wonders, and officers are usually tight-knit to begin with. They have to be, since they entrust their lives to one another. Your husband probably doesn't trust a counselor, but he trusts his prison buddies. After all, his buddies are the ones who are working the trenches with him, not a counselor who's far removed from the reality that currently victimizes your husband.

 

In the meantime, stay strong, and try to learn all you can about your husband's situation. He needs your support more than anything, but he doesn't think you understand.

[kimizmat]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I agree with everything you've said. Unfortunately, my husband's only had the job for a year or so and I don't know any of his coworkers. I did suggest counselling, he later called and said he agreed that he should go. This was the last I heard of it. I think it IS best that I stay away from him, his behavior has been completely erratic.

 

I am at the point where all I can hope for is that he realizes on his own what is going on....that he'll get some clarity. So far, it's been two months since he's left, yet all of his things remain in our home as if he never left. It's torture for me. I miss him so much, but it really seems there's nothing I can do. I am in counselling and have been told that it's all up to him now. This is so tragic, I love him so much but can't help. On top of that, he's gone out of his way to not only ignore me, but to hurt me emotionally. I realize I'm on the receiving end of what they call "punitive behavior".

 

Again, a most sincere thank-you for your input.

[debilou]

Let me begin with a big "hug" for you. We have a lot in common. My H left almost 5 months ago. The first 3 were complete torture.

 

Most of my H things are still here. He treats me as though I've become his greatest enemy. He is emotionally abusive to me. I don't make any contact with my H because he's so cold to me. I know how lonely you feel.

 

How old is your husband? My husband moved out on his 40th birthday. We had been married for 18 years. Not sure where we'll end up. Nothing feels good about us right now.

 

Glad to hear you're in counseling.

 

Debilou

[kimizmat]

debilou, thank you so much for posting a reply. I found some more news out tonight that has levelled me.

 

I found a note written by someone to my husband in his office. It was dated 5 months before we were married. The note was very suggestive and included a phone number. I called this number and this woman informed me that she had been sleeping with him for nearly a year. Bear in mind, this was nearly five years ago, but is still devastating. I now suspect he's been cheating on me and that is what's going on now. I left him a voice mail indicating I knew about her, and he has not responded.

 

I was making excuses for him, but all along he was a lying, cheating jerk. I feel as if our 12 years together were a joke and I am beyond crushed. I don't know how to feel. I keep wondering, "was ANYTHING real?"

 

I don't see light at the end of this tunnel. I am terrified and crushed. I thought that he loved me with all his heart, that I could trust him. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

[kimizmat]

By the way, debilou, my husband is 32. I am so sorry you are going through the cold behavior. I believe in a way that men use this to hide some of their guilt about whatever is going on with them. In my case, apparently it is infidelity. It still doesn't explain the erratic behavior, wanting me back one minute, divorce the next.

 

I hope you are in counselling, too. It doesn't feel like it helps until a few days after a session and things start to sink in. I can't wait to see her after hearing this news.

 

I'm sending you a big hug too. You'll be all right. So will I. I don't really know how to go about being all right at the moment, but it will happen. I have to get to the point where I'm comfortable being alone, and where I can financially and emotionally support myself. I relied on him for both those things, now I've got very little. But I've already gotten stronger. You will too, as I'm sure you've already noticed. It's no cake-walk, that's for sure. Do you have children? We didn't have any, but were recently planning a family. I feel scared because I'm 34 years old and desperately want a child, but now that's blown. Hard to imagine having anyone else.

 

Please keep me informed as to how you're doing. Good luck and stay strong.

[debilou]

It would be easier for you to read my thread "Recently separated and depressed" than for me to explain how much more we now have in common.

 

I suspected the OW after reading your post. I too made ALL the excuses for my H. Read the thread.

 

My H just left. He's getting our kids for the first weekend since he left, five months ago. I'm in tears. Why? Who knows?

 

I feel used, alone, stupid, everything under the sun. Sometimes I feel that way and other times I know I'll be better off without him. He has never emotionally supported me. He's shut down.

 

I've spent a lot of time reading. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck made me feel much better about myself. Gary Zucav has some great books too. I hope you feel better soon. It's such a roller coaster.

 

You're in the right place for real support. You'll see.

 

I'll check in later, Debilou

[kimizmat]

I read your other thread, Debilou. Sounds very similar to my situation. I have seen signs of infidelity throughout our relationship, but never any proof. He sometimes came across to me as being completely in love with me, devoted. Then there were periods where he was distant and cold. He told me he went through "dark times" and depression when questioned.

 

I tried leaving him about 7 years ago, but he broke down in a corner sobbing and telling me his life wouldn't be worth living without me. He told me something similar this last time and I've been worried about him. All of these mixed messages have me feeling worse than ever. I thought he was the one for me. I wanted to have his children. Now I'm 34 and am afraid I'll never meet the right person and have the family I so desperately want.

 

I contacted his mother, who is convinced he's mentally ill and is worried. I can't worry about him any longer, though, you know? We have to take care of ourselves, stay in counselling and stay strong. I feel like I just get through each day, and that's it. I'm lost, depressed, heartbroken and confused. I never thought I'd find myself in a situation like this, did you?

 

The woman he had the affair with indicated that it was just sex, he never took her out, but that he wrote her lots of letters. I'm sick just thinking about it.

 

I will definitely read "The Road Less Travelled", just as soon as I finish the other three that I have concerning divorce, loss, etc. You keep reading, too. I have been exercising as well, and it makes a big difference. Lost 30 lbs. so far and am feeling physically better, if not emotionally.

 

I can't begin to describe how fortunate I feel to have found this forum, and to have heard from you. We'll keep eachother in check, okay?

[debilou]

I've lost about 20 lbs since my nightmare started. Sometimes I believe I live in complete denial.

 

I started taking martial arts with my boys about 3 years ago. It was a battle to MAKE them go so in October we had a family meeting (before dad moved out) to decide if they wanted to continue. My youngest has mild cerebral palsy so it was difficult for him. They chose to quit.

 

About a week after I found out about the OW I decided I would go back. But this time it would be for me. My oldest asked to go with me. I was shocked. Stunned! I should mention that their dad has a black belt. He didn't participate with us in it at all. I never understood why. I still don't.

 

There's a book called something like "you're entitled". I haven't read it but it's the details of what you're entitled to in a divorce.

 

I still get the same thing from my H, "I don't know what I want". It's so hard for me to live in limbo. I'm getting stronger and more focused. A lot of things to handle right now.

 

Do you have good friends? Of course my closest friends think I should have dumped my H months ago. But anyway, do you have people to go out with? You'll get past the initial pain of being alone. At least I did. There are good people out there. We just have to get healthy so we will attract them to us, right? I do lots of praying too!

 

Debilou

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by debilou

I've lost about 20 lbs since my nightmare started. Sometimes I believe I live in complete denial.

 

I started taking martial arts with my boys about 3 years ago. It was a battle to MAKE them go so in October we had a family meeting (before dad moved out) to decide if they wanted to continue. My youngest has mild cerebral palsy so it was difficult for him. They chose to quit.

 

About a week after I found out about the OW I decided I would go back. But this time it would be for me. My oldest asked to go with me. I was shocked. Stunned! I should mention that their dad has a black belt. He didn't participate with us in it at all. I never understood why. I still don't.

 

There's a book called something like "you're entitled". I haven't read it but it's the details of what you're entitled to in a divorce.

 

I still get the same thing from my H, "I don't know what I want". It's so hard for me to live in limbo. I'm getting stronger and more focused. A lot of things to handle right now.

 

Do you have good friends? Of course my closest friends think I should have dumped my H months ago. But anyway, do you have people to go out with? You'll get past the initial pain of being alone. At least I did. There are good people out there. We just have to get healthy so we will attract them to us, right? I do lots of praying too!

 

Debilou

 

Debilou, I totally agree! I love that there really are like-minded people out there, and yes, if only I could attract more of them that live close by! Praying really helps. Everytime I get down on myself, I talk to God and just praying makes me feel better.

[rble618740]

This whole thread is something I wish I would have had available to me when my husband left in June. We have resolved things, but here is the advice I gave someone else.

 

"My husband and I separated for a while on June 2, 2004. I felt VERY used. He wasn't working when he left so I kept paying his bills (so my credit didn't get ruined). I never knew where he was, what he was doing, and I was in total limbo about my marriage. We went to a marriage counseling session the week he left and my husband said he wanted to work on our marriage, but I did not see him or hear from him for two weeks after that. When he came to the house again, he didn't want to talk about our marriage. I was in agony not knowing what the future held for us.

 

For about 2 1/2 months after my husband left, that's how things were. I spent a LOT of time on the telephone with my preacher. During that time, my husband and I didn't have sex and I asked him for money to pay his bills. He got really mad. I didn't argue with him, I just stood firm (but calmly did so). My husband started feeling like he was the unreasonable one since he was the only one screaming and getting upset. He would, though, just come to the house whenever he wanted, stay for however long he wanted, not talk to me about our marriage, and he would tell me about the fun he was having living with a single buddy.

 

I was patient during that time. I didn't demand that we talk about us. I didn't press him for answers. I just welcomed him with open arms and loved him and supported him. I told him things like, 'If you decide that we can't make it, I respect your decision even though I disagree. I will be fine. I will be happy, even without you. Don't come back out of guilt. If you're going to leave this relationship, it's better that you do it now than 5 years from now.'

 

Finally, I felt really peaceful about confronting him. I knew I had been more than patient, and my husband had said that. He had spent two weekends in a row at our house, and was supposed to get in touch with me on a Friday. I didn't hear from him. He called Sunday night apologizing. I finally, very calmly told him that, I was not going to be a weekend wife. That, at this point, I felt the separation was not benefitting our marriage. I told him that I felt like I was enabling him to keep a wife without living like a married man, and that I was not interested in that lifestyle. I told him, for the millionth time that I loved him and that I was committed to working on our marriage, but that I didn't believe in what we were doing. I explained to him that, any time he wanted to talk about our future as a married couple, he was welcome to call or come over (if he called first). However, I was not interested in dating or making small talk with him anymore. That was on a Sunday. On Tuesday, he called to chit chat. I didn't talk with him. I restated my position. I told him that I was not going to talk with him about work or anything but our marriage - and I politely got off the phone. On Thursday, his mother called me and said he was dying to know what and how I was doing. I explained, very politely, to her the same thing I had told her son - we either needed to focus on us, or move towards divorce. I had never waivered on my commitment, but he needed to make a decision - and whatever that decision may be, I would be fine with it.

 

On Friday my husband called to ask if he could come over. I asked him only if he was coming to talk to me about us. He said he was. He came to our home, and he was as vulnerable as I've ever seen him. He asked to come home. I told him we could try it. He came home and our marriage has been unbelievable ever since. I have gotten more respect from him in the past 6 months than I had in the previous 2 1/2 years. I'm positive what made an impression on him was my love and forgiveness, in the face of his indifference. I think, though, that part of his respect grew out of my not letting him use me. It's a fine line. You can love and be committed while you are drawing boundaries. It's a skill - you might need help developing it - but it's a valuable tool in a marriage.

 

I don't know if this approach will work with your husband, or if you're prepared for him to decide once and for all that it's over. I was when I put my foot down with my husband. Only then can you do it with peace.

 

The Bible says that we forgive, but I don't believe (and neither did my preacher) that this means that you let your husband use you when you know this is the case. You are required to remain committed to your marriage. Put the ball in his court. If your marriage is going to end, even if you force his hand, it will end because of him. It seems you're ready and willing to work on your marriage, but he has left you. You haven't done anything violative of the Bible's plan for marriage - he has. If you put your foot down making it clear that you are still willing to honor your vows - you still aren't doing anything the Bible prohibits. If he decides not to come home, he has still been the one that left you and he is in the wrong."

[debilou]

kimizmat,

 

So where ya been? Anything new? Give us an update if you're available.

 

Debilou

[kimizmat]

Hi all! I'm still here....been posting and responding in different areas. Finally realized the H is a complete pathological narcissist and have been getting lots of feedback and help with that.

I'm having a hard time, but am getting by. How bout you, debilou? What's new? He tried to see me a few days ago to give me money but I refused to see him. He knows my mailing address if he needs to send money, right?

I miss him, but know I could never take him back as is. Plus, I don't think he'd ever change, anyway.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

[debilou]

Nothing new here, still in limbo land. A little more depressed. I guess I feel like I'm doing everything to save our marriage and there are no guarantees that my H even wants it saved.

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. It's a real emotional rollercoaster that we've been given a front row seat to.

 

Have you been to marriagebuilders.com? It is a real help for me.

 

Gotta go to marriage counseling at 3. Check in later!

 

Debilou

[kimizmat]

I am still depressed too. I do have better days than others, but it's hard. I hate that I miss my H so much. I am just having the worst time sorting things out. I have never hurt so much in my life. I have yet to see my therapist since I found out the ex cheated, so am looking forward to getting some help with that. Have an appt. this week. Wish me luck. I battle between hating him, hating myself, wondering how I could've been so blind, and wondering why the hell he was with me for so long? He always acted so devoted, so doting and loving.

Debilou, how are you doing? Please post back and let me know.

[debilou]

Unfortunately things are about the same for me. My H and I went to a party together lastnight. He basically treats me like he just plain doesn't like me. He doesn't touch me at all.

 

It's so hard to NOT give up. He said a few negative and hurtful things to me. But you and I know I'll just go back for more. I know the day will come when I will allow myself to just say enough is enough!

 

I guess there must be something I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I hope I do soon.

 

Take care, Debilou