Wife not interested in sex....but walks around half naked

[giotto]

Everything you people say is true and valid, expect from the fact that she has some medical issues that make her practically semi handicapped. We can't get in such a person's mind and understand how they feel. Inside her she could feel awful that she can't change anything cause of her condition, but at the end of the day she suffers more with her medical condition than her husband with his lack of sex. Can anyone deny that?

 

She may be scared to express to her husband how bad she feels. I say again, we can't understand her psychology. I went through some bad condition myself a couple of years ago and I had no desire not only for sex but for nothing at all. I was saying to my bf "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for this or that, truly sorry", but deep inside what mattered to me more was to feel better, as much as I loved my bf and I respected his needs. Sick people can become selfish, and there's a good reason for this. This couple has deeper issues than the lack of sex and that's what they have to focus on primarily.

 

 

I can relate to that... my wife has mental problems... nothing that can't be controlled with some pills. But you have to communicate properly. If you are not well, all your efforts will be directed towards your illness. This is understandable. Having said that, if you are in a marriage, you should also do your best to resolve your issues and put the marriage back on track. It's not fair towards your partner. But all of this has to be communicated clearly. Just saying "no, I'm not in a mood", without explanation, won't do. Unfortunately, many people are wrapped up in their illness and disregard other people's needs as not important, or at least, as not as important...

[DrJam]

Everything you people say is true and valid, expect from the fact that she has some medical issues that make her practically semi handicapped. We can't get in such a person's mind and understand how they feel. Inside her she could feel awful that she can't change anything cause of her condition, but at the end of the day she suffers more with her medical condition than her husband with his lack of sex. Can anyone deny that?

And that is why i am having a hard time just ending it. I know that the condition has created many of the issues, however the sex problems started before that. It is very hard for me to seperate her lack of desire for sex, from a lack of desire for me.

To her they are 2 different things, to me they are the same.

 

 

She said to me that for her sex has no emotional component, so she dismisses the benifit of having sex in our relationship.

 

 

She told me either I have to change how I feel and that there is nothing she needs to change.

[bathtub-row]

She said to me that for her sex has no emotional component, so she dismisses the benifit of having sex in our relationship.

 

She told me either I have to change how I feel and that there is nothing she needs to change.

 

Real charming and caring person you're with. I can see why someone like this would be hard to leave.

[beach]

And that is why i am having a hard time just ending it. I know that the condition has created many of the issues, however the sex problems started before that. It is very hard for me to seperate her lack of desire for sex, from a lack of desire for me.

To her they are 2 different things, to me they are the same.

 

 

She said to me that for her sex has no emotional component, so she dismisses the benifit of having sex in our relationship.

 

 

She told me either I have to change how I feel and that there is nothing she needs to change.

 

 

She's flat out told you to get on board with her plan or leave. She has no intention of considering how you feel.

 

 

It's the way it's going to be - unless you leave. Change will only come from you.

 

What do you plan to change?

[loveboid]

Sorry, I read only the first couple of pages but got to your answers on her probably not have an affair and the pain being real.

 

I am really sorry you're going through this and yet also I'm not sure I understand why you would want her to go through painful sex to please you? She is also being mean to you yes, and that is separate issue.

 

Reminds me of the couple where the woman had painful vaginismus? Whatever the term for constricted vaginal muscles which I can only imagine would make sex as painful as giving birth to a watermelon. Why did her husband keep requesting she have sex with him? Seems cruel to me. I think you are being doubly cruel...to her for requesting to go through regular pain (not just a few times for say childbirth)...and to yourself for staying in a sexless marriage when you need sex. She is also being cruel by not letting you go, as I said before.

[oldshirt]

And that is why i am having a hard time just ending it. I know that the condition has created many of the issues, however the sex problems started before that. It is very hard for me to seperate her lack of desire for sex, from a lack of desire for me.

To her they are 2 different things, to me they are the same.

 

 

She said to me that for her sex has no emotional component, so she dismisses the benifit of having sex in our relationship.

 

 

She told me either I have to change how I feel and that there is nothing she needs to change.

 

 

If I had some medical issue and I told my wife that I no longer loved her and would not provide for her or had any warmth or closeness for her and had no emotional component for having a home and family with her and would no longer accept her friends or family into our lives etc etc etc

 

 

How long should I expect her to stick around????

 

 

I'll answer that question myself - I would expect her to start packing her bags and contacting a lawyer that day.

 

 

Why is this situation any different?

 

 

How long would she stay with you if you no longer wanted to meet any of her needs and didn't even care that she was dissatisfied with that?

[beach]

That's a good point. Stop providing her with the things she needs.

 

No money, no luxuries, no roof over her head.

 

Let her figure out how many men want to live a basically celibate and emotionally unattached life with a woman = none.

 

She wants to act selfish - let her be alone.

[thekid36]

Update,

 

Moving forward here claim/case is still pending,

We have seen a new dr and she has been diagnoised with hyper-thyroid and new meds started last week.

 

 

It was our 15th anniversary a couple of weeks back. On that day i suggested we have sex, and she was not interested. Last night i asked again, and she said

"Why do you want sex?"

 

 

And then i could not hold back anymore and i told her how i feel.

 

 

I, for this first time in 13+ years of unhappy sex, told her that i want sex more often, that it is important to me and to our relationship.

I was shaking, it was very hard for me to even say the words.

 

 

She told me that she was fine how often we have sex.

She could not even tell me when the last time was as "she doesn't keep track".

 

 

We have had sex less than once every 6weeks over the past 10 years by my estimation...and she said "so what! Why is that not ebough for you?"

 

 

The conversation ended with her saying that I have to change how I feel about sex, and that there is nothing she can do to change.

--------

 

 

I am devestated and know the only path to take is to end the relationship as we are just too far apart on this issue, and she feels it is not of enough importance to change anything.

 

 

She is absoultely not appreciating your feelings at all. Not caring about what your needs are at this point. Dismissing all of the important things you have to say. Almost as to make you feel badly for wanting sex. Her answer about your desire for sex is a sign of withdrawn selfishness.

 

 

Sure, she may not be in the best health right now. What does that have to do with being more intimate in some way? Would you not want to make your partner feel at least a little more wanted? There seems to be no will on her end to even compromise.

 

 

This suggests an issue which extends to outside of the actual bedroom. Means that she is most likely set in her ways rather severely. It is bound to be her way or bust in all areas. Not really fair if you think about it. No matter what she has going on with her health. There is still no excuse for being selfish and stubborn.

[beach]

Do you stay with her because she's likely to get a monetary settlement?

[bubbaganoosh]

[quote=DrJam;5878002

She told me either I have to change how I feel and that there is nothing she needs to change.

 

What she just told you in so many word was "F--- You, deal with it".

 

What she just told you was that there will be no compromise with her now or in the future and that you are bound to a sexless marriage and that's the way it's going to be.

 

There is nothing worse then when one spouse refuses to bend a little to accommodate their significant other. What that comes down to is a sure fire way to the court house toting a lawyer with you.

 

If it was me, I would say nothing more to her but show her actions. The first would be like I said before in my earlier post. Move her belongings in to the spare room. If no spare room, have her sleep on the couch. Tell her that if were going to live like brother and sister then siblings don't share a bed and stick to it. Don't let her whine and moan over it.

 

The second thing I would do is have her served with divorce papers. Hand them to her and let her know that you were willing to do whatever it took to keep a balance in the marriage and hope for some kind of compromise but her attitude and words have proven to you that she has no intentions of trying to find a happy medium which could be agreed upon by you and her so now your doing it your way and then you look her in the eye and tell her "Now were doing it my way and she's the one who either changes because you have no intentions of change."

 

If she has to go for a hearing about the injury at work then let her go. It has nothing to do with you. You've had her back the entire time and she has given you nothing in return.

 

Maybe being hit with divorce papers will wake her up and she'll finally see that the whole world doesn't revolve around her.

Edited September 1, 2014 by bubbaganoosh

[beach]

You've stated that you've both found ways to have sex without pain for her - so we can assume she doesn't avoid sex because it's painful.

 

She avoids sex because she wants to and sees no value in making you happy by providing what you need to be happy.

 

This marriage is extremely unbalanced. She holds all the power.

[DrJam]

Do you stay with her because she's likely to get a monetary settlement?

Yes and No, I have a good high paying full benifit job. The only reason I would wait for a settlement first is so i know she will be financially secure, and it will be hard for her to see the case to the end without me. it is a very stressfull situation and she needs my support. she will either get enough to live on for the rest of her lofe, or nothing at all.

 

 

I will have no issues with supporting her if she loses (and if we split up), the money has nothing to do with my staying or leaving.

[oldshirt]

it is a very stressfull situation and she needs my support. she will either get enough to live on for the rest of her lofe, or nothing at all.

 

.

 

I'll be real blunt - In days of yore, women understood that if they want a man's support, they had to put out.

 

 

And men understood that if a woman wasn't putting out, they had to end their support or the woman would drain their resources and they'd be left with nothing.

[2sunny]

Sorry, I read only the first couple of pages but got to your answers on her probably not have an affair and the pain being real.

 

I am really sorry you're going through this and yet also I'm not sure I understand why you would want her to go through painful sex to please you? She is also being mean to you yes, and that is separate issue.

 

Reminds me of the couple where the woman had painful vaginismus? Whatever the term for constricted vaginal muscles which I can only imagine would make sex as painful as giving birth to a watermelon. Why did her husband keep requesting she have sex with him? Seems cruel to me. I think you are being doubly cruel...to her for requesting to go through regular pain (not just a few times for say childbirth)...and to yourself for staying in a sexless marriage when you need sex. She is also being cruel by not letting you go, as I said before.

 

He's not been cruel. He said they've found ways to have sex WITHOUT it being painful for her.

 

It's more that she doesn't want to - and isn't considering his feelings when she fuels the fire by walking around nude.

 

If say she's cruel.

[TriCountyDad]

When I read the original post, I knew immediately I had to reply, since the situation described is almost exactly the same one I face. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and, when we were dating and first married, she was the more aggressive one when it came to sex. In fact, she used to chide me for being too "controlled" and told me to "let go" more. About 3 years into our marriage, however, my wife began to lose interest in any sort of sexual contact. Then she started to make comments to the effect that she'd be comfortable in an asexual relationship. Eventually, she started rejecting any overtures to sex of any kind.

 

I've tried all the usual suggestions - I started doing all the laundry, most of the cooking and dishes, and most of the childcare. I've made sure she has the chance to leave for weekends with her sisters and for retreats related to her hobbies. I frequently tell her how good she looks (which she enjoys) and give her hugs, kisses, shoulder rubs, and massages. But her attitude towards intimacy never seems to change. Finally, to avoid her distancing herself even more from our son and myself, I accepted the fact that she had no interest in ever having any sort of sex with me ever again.

 

My wife periodically complains about generalized pain and her doctor told her she may have mild fibromyalgia. I try to be sensitive to her and how she feels at any time. However, it never appears that the pain prevents her from doing anything she really wants to do - it just seems that being intimate is not one of those things. The most frustrating thing is that she continues to walk around the house wearing things that she knows drive me crazy (including nothing but a t-shirt), and seems irritated if I start to "bother her".

 

Other than our divergent libidos, we generally get along quite well. We also have a young son who would be devastated if we ever split, so ending the marriage isn't an option. Likewise, I've vowed never to cheat and realize that doing so would only cause more problems, so I try to make the best of the situation that I can. Some days I deal with it better than others, but life goes on. I can't offer any suggestions or insights - just empathy.

[loveboid]

I'm not sure what to do add here except my experience. There was one guy I was not crazy to have sex with. It was because his manners in bed were totally disrespectful. He said his ex wife never wanted sex with him either.

 

I had a high sex drive at the time and he got sex during the day, then he'd keep me up all night! For hours! Just pestering me and keeping me awake when I desperately needed sleep. He would not stop and it was coercive. Just terrible.

 

Another guy I would not have sex with because of his breath. My girlfriend is the same with her husband.

 

I would check your manners and hygiene. I know this is basic but people don't mention it and it makes a difference. And it could be drugs. Docs hand them out like candy and they rob people of sex drive and quality of life.

[Polak]

DrJam, any updates?

[BetrayedH]

When I read the original post, I knew immediately I had to reply, since the situation described is almost exactly the same one I face. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and, when we were dating and first married, she was the more aggressive one when it came to sex. In fact, she used to chide me for being too "controlled" and told me to "let go" more. About 3 years into our marriage, however, my wife began to lose interest in any sort of sexual contact. Then she started to make comments to the effect that she'd be comfortable in an asexual relationship. Eventually, she started rejecting any overtures to sex of any kind.

 

I've tried all the usual suggestions - I started doing all the laundry, most of the cooking and dishes, and most of the childcare. I've made sure she has the chance to leave for weekends with her sisters and for retreats related to her hobbies. I frequently tell her how good she looks (which she enjoys) and give her hugs, kisses, shoulder rubs, and massages. But her attitude towards intimacy never seems to change. Finally, to avoid her distancing herself even more from our son and myself, I accepted the fact that she had no interest in ever having any sort of sex with me ever again.

 

My wife periodically complains about generalized pain and her doctor told her she may have mild fibromyalgia. I try to be sensitive to her and how she feels at any time. However, it never appears that the pain prevents her from doing anything she really wants to do - it just seems that being intimate is not one of those things. The most frustrating thing is that she continues to walk around the house wearing things that she knows drive me crazy (including nothing but a t-shirt), and seems irritated if I start to "bother her".

 

Other than our divergent libidos, we generally get along quite well. We also have a young son who would be devastated if we ever split, so ending the marriage isn't an option. Likewise, I've vowed never to cheat and realize that doing so would only cause more problems, so I try to make the best of the situation that I can. Some days I deal with it better than others, but life goes on. I can't offer any suggestions or insights - just empathy.

 

How about proposing an open marriage? That way you won't "bother her" anymore.

[TriCountyDad]

I'm not sure what to do add here except my experience. There was one guy I was not crazy to have sex with. It was because his manners in bed were totally disrespectful. He said his ex wife never wanted sex with him either.

 

I had a high sex drive at the time and he got sex during the day, then he'd keep me up all night! For hours! Just pestering me and keeping me awake when I desperately needed sleep. He would not stop and it was coercive. Just terrible.

 

Another guy I would not have sex with because of his breath. My girlfriend is the same with her husband.

 

I would check your manners and hygiene. I know this is basic but people don't mention it and it makes a difference. And it could be drugs. Docs hand them out like candy and they rob people of sex drive and quality of life.

 

You raise some good points. I've actually asked my wife about the hygiene issue. I did have some bad breath at one time due to a medical condition (since resolved), but was careful to use mouthwash right before bedtime, which seemed to help. I've lost weight and exercised and paid attention to my appearance (e.g. not going to bed in ratty underwear), but it doesn't seem to matter much. My wife has told me she still finds me attractive, but just has no interest in being intimate. I suppose there could be something she's not telling me to avoid hurting my feelings, but I have no real reason to suspect that.

 

As far as manners go, I once made a comment that I thought I might need to learn more self-control. My wife replied that she didn't think that was possible and that she appreciates that I'm usually pretty restrained. I do occasionally get aroused when I'm giving her a massage or washing her back in the bathtub. I know that it annoys her, but I try never to make her feel pressured for sex. She has, on a number of occasions, told me that that I'm not doing anything to put her off - she just isn't interested.

 

The drug issue is another matter. My wife has been on antidepressants for the entire time I've known her, and I'm well aware of the effect they can have on the libido. She's also started medication in the last year or so for a thyroid condition. I've tried to discreetly ask if she's ever talked to her doctor regarding what effects the drugs might have, but she never seems to be that interested in doing so. She's told me that it's normal for couples our age (40s) to not have sex and that the reason women like her mother had large families is that they never had any choice on whether or not to be intimate.

 

I've pretty much given up on ever having sex again - it's actually easier to not expect anything than to think that if, somehow, the stars are perfectly aligned and everything is right with the world, my wife might be interested in being intimate. Right now, I'm focusing on finding ways to start thinking of my wife in an affectionate, but non-sexual, way. I do pretty well most days, but still have a few days when I feel pretty depressed about the whole situation.

[TriCountyDad]

How about proposing an open marriage? That way you won't "bother her" anymore.

 

I know that it works for some people, but I don't think I'd be very comfortable with an open marriage. I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy in that respect. Or maybe I'm just stubborn...

[2sunny]

You raise some good points. I've actually asked my wife about the hygiene issue. I did have some bad breath at one time due to a medical condition (since resolved), but was careful to use mouthwash right before bedtime, which seemed to help. I've lost weight and exercised and paid attention to my appearance (e.g. not going to bed in ratty underwear), but it doesn't seem to matter much. My wife has told me she still finds me attractive, but just has no interest in being intimate. I suppose there could be something she's not telling me to avoid hurting my feelings, but I have no real reason to suspect that.

 

As far as manners go, I once made a comment that I thought I might need to learn more self-control. My wife replied that she didn't think that was possible and that she appreciates that I'm usually pretty restrained. I do occasionally get aroused when I'm giving her a massage or washing her back in the bathtub. I know that it annoys her, but I try never to make her feel pressured for sex. She has, on a number of occasions, told me that that I'm not doing anything to put her off - she just isn't interested.

 

The drug issue is another matter. My wife has been on antidepressants for the entire time I've known her, and I'm well aware of the effect they can have on the libido. She's also started medication in the last year or so for a thyroid condition. I've tried to discreetly ask if she's ever talked to her doctor regarding what effects the drugs might have, but she never seems to be that interested in doing so. She's told me that it's normal for couples our age (40s) to not have sex and that the reason women like her mother had large families is that they never had any choice on whether or not to be intimate.

 

I've pretty much given up on ever having sex again - it's actually easier to not expect anything than to think that if, somehow, the stars are perfectly aligned and everything is right with the world, my wife might be interested in being intimate. Right now, I'm focusing on finding ways to start thinking of my wife in an affectionate, but non-sexual, way. I do pretty well most days, but still have a few days when I feel pretty depressed about the whole situation.

 

How depressing.

 

And how selfish of your wife.

 

In my world (of healthy sex - and I'm in my 50's) sex is a beautiful thing and a regular part of loving someone.

 

Antidepressants make sex frustrating. But that doesn't mean a wife can't perform many options for her husband to help him feel happy.

 

Don't think that as people get older they don't want sex - that's not normal thinking. That's just making your wife's bad behavior excusable - which it isn't.

[bathtub-row]

I know that it works for some people, but I don't think I'd be very comfortable with an open marriage. I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy in that respect. Or maybe I'm just stubborn...

 

These sexless marriages are completely mindboggling to me; something I'll never wrap my mind around. Why you let someone make you feel like you're "bothering them" - when wanting a sexual relationship with someone you love is a perfectly normal reaction - is amazingly unreal. She's the one who's screwed up but somehow you have been made to feel bad, to jump through hoops for her, and to feel permanently trapped. If it's more important to you to let yourself be controlled by this ridiculous female, then more power to you. I guess it takes two to do this crazy dance.

[giotto]

Right now, I'm focusing on finding ways to start thinking of my wife in an affectionate, but non-sexual, way. I do pretty well most days, but still have a few days when I feel pretty depressed about the whole situation.

 

 

If you don't want to leave, that's what you have to do. I've actually erased sex with my wife from my mind, completely. We do have it, occasionally, but that's because she offers, since she thinks I want it. We do it because, rather bizzarrely, I don't want to reject her and hurt her feelings (well, I know how it feels...), or going over the reasons, again and again, of why I don't want sex with her any more. It would be too upsetting.

 

She's been on ADs for many many years now and has zero libido. She's also said that all her friends of our age (early fifties) don't have sex any more. She proposed a sexless marriage to me at one point. I guess she was fed up with me requesting sex "all the time" (twice a month... )and putting pressure on her...

[DrJam]

These sexless marriages are completely mindboggling to me; something I'll never wrap my mind around. Why you let someone make you feel like you're "bothering them" - when wanting a sexual relationship with someone you love is a perfectly normal reaction - is amazingly unreal. She's the one who's screwed up but somehow you have been made to feel bad, to jump through hoops for her, and to feel permanently trapped. If it's more important to you to let yourself be controlled by this ridiculous female, then more power to you. I guess it takes two to do this crazy dance.

You don't choose this. Instead your choice is to keep living your life the way it is (bad sex included) or change everything.It is not so easy to just end everything and start over.

[DrJam]

I'll be real blunt - In days of yore, women understood that if they want a man's support, they had to put out.

 

 

And men understood that if a woman wasn't putting out, they had to end their support or the woman would drain their resources and they'd be left with nothing.

This is not days or yore is it?

 

Update,

 

 

So things do not look like they will be getting better any time soon.

However i am hoping things will change, but planning for what to do if things do not change.

 

 

To end the relationship will require significant changes.

Selling the home is a big hurdle, and they way the market is (and our location/tupe of home) there is a slim chance of selling between now and summer 2015. The plan is to try and work on things until spring.

 

 

In march if there is no improvement then i will proceed with the seperation.

 

 

This gives us 6 months to work on things, and also gives me time to get the house ready for sale (we are planning on listing May 2015 anyways) and to get alteranative arangements for her. I do love my wife, and have hope we can get through this.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input,

 

 

DrJ.