Wife not interested in sex....but walks around half naked

[oldshirt]

You don't choose this. Instead your choice is to keep living your life the way it is (bad sex included) or change everything.It is not so easy to just end everything and start over.

 

In his books (which you desperately need to read ASAP) Athol Kay uses the phrase, "it's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead."

 

Meaning that it often IS easier to move on and find someone new than it is to resurrect a dead sexual relationship.

 

I think your dilema here is do you chose to continue to accept a sexless life for the rest of your life or disrupt your involuntary asexual life in hopes of finding a complete marriage.

 

IMHO your wife is a dead fish (at least for you) and a lost cause if you ever want to have a healthy, even slightly satisfying sexlife. There would definately be disruption, expense and some tears if you choose to move on. Your alternative though is to be assured that you will never have a reasonable love life (unless you want to be an adulterer)

[jackslife]

In his books (which you desperately need to read ASAP) Athol Kay uses the phrase, "it's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead."

 

Meaning that it often IS easier to move on and find someone new than it is to resurrect a dead sexual relationship.

 

I think your dilema here is do you chose to continue to accept a sexless life for the rest of your life or disrupt your involuntary asexual life in hopes of finding a complete marriage.

 

IMHO your wife is a dead fish (at least for you) and a lost cause if you ever want to have a healthy, even slightly satisfying sexlife. There would definately be disruption, expense and some tears if you choose to move on. Your alternative though is to be assured that you will never have a reasonable love life (unless you want to be an adulterer)

 

Old shirt, which books of his would you recommend?

[oldshirt]

Old shirt, which books of his would you recommend?

 

"The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and "The Mindful Attraction Plan" both by Athol Kay. And "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

 

There is a website with blogs by Athol Kay and forums similar to this one where people will give you very focused advice in a very step by step formula.

[oldshirt]

This is not days or yore is it?

 

Update,

 

 

So things do not look like they will be getting better any time soon.

However i am hoping things will change, but planning for what to do if things do not change.

 

 

To end the relationship will require significant changes.

Selling the home is a big hurdle, and they way the market is (and our location/tupe of home) there is a slim chance of selling between now and summer 2015. The plan is to try and work on things until spring.

 

 

In march if there is no improvement then i will proceed with the seperation.

 

 

This gives us 6 months to work on things, and also gives me time to get the house ready for sale (we are planning on listing May 2015 anyways) and to get alteranative arangements for her. I do love my wife, and have hope we can get through this.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input,

 

 

DrJ.

 

I think this is a very reasonable plan. This is an issue of chronic, toxic dissatisfaction and frustration rather than an acute act of wrong doing or bad behavior (ie adultry, abuse, addiction etc) there for there really is no rush to drop the bomb today. You have time to make yourself as prepared and in a position of strength as possible (all battles are won or lost before the first shot is ever fired)

 

Read the books I stated above and sign up on that website. Tell your story and answer their questions there. They will help you prepare an action plan specific to your situation and working off of your specific strengths and weaknesses.

 

You have time to consult lawyers and accountants and have your life prepared and portable. Beginning a new life will not seem so daunting when you have a step by step plan in place and have all your Ts crossed and your Is dotted and have your ducks in a row.

 

Do NOT discuss this plan with your wife for she will lay down smoke screens and oil slicks and smoke and mirrors to confuse you and get you to question yourself. But as you prepare to move on she will instinctively know and she won't be as shocked and hurt that you think she will when she is handed the papers. She may even instinctively start making her own plans and preparations as well (which may very likely involve another man/men, in which case it will make it very easy to drop the ax)

[VeronicaRoss]

I don't see a lot of women replying to this and I have to jump in here. I probably am not going to say what you think.

 

I'm all for respectful behavior, and it has to go both ways. You respect her handicap and her limitations. She needs to respect your sexual desire and your feelings as a man. It sounds like her pain limits her sexual desire, but can she really not participate? Dismissing a request as childish is not the pain talking, it's a lack of respect and empathy -- two major portions of love. High schoolers do hand jobs because they can't have sex, apparently she can't either. She should be putting on the cheerleader outfit and working to make you happy however she is able. That's love in action.

 

I've seen so many male and female friends in relationships with people they love but are not desired by them, or for some mysterious reason they don't desire their partners and struggle with that fact. I've been there myself hoping the sex would happen. But it doesn't change. It's there or it isn't. I've never seen anyone break away from one of those including myself and regret anything except staying so long.

 

If she is capable of a blow job or a hand job it's what she can do to express love and acceptance. Get a copy of a John Gray book like Men Are from Mars if she needs how important this is to your relationship explained.

 

A sex counselor might be a good option. If she refuses to be creative she needs someone besides you working out what that really means.

 

If she doesn't want to have sex with you in any reasonable way and doesn't feel compelled to please you when it means so much, you are in the wrong relationship. This feels like 'settling' to me on both sides. I'm really sorry, this is a tough situation. Kudos for your willing to be understanding.

[2sunny]

Since there is no plan of action for change then you can expect things to remain the same.

 

I agree with serving her D papers now. That way she fully understands now that you intend to divorce if things remain the same.

 

And the time starts running so IF you sell the house next year then the money from the sale gets divided then.

 

It also gives her time to plan for the D.

 

It gives her time to "contemplate" whether or not she wishes to participate differently between now and next summer = invoking some changes within the relationship - or not...

 

To wait - is just a longer death sentence. Action comes from you at this point because she's said she doesn't intend to change a thing.

 

When you take action (new action) it forces a REACTION from HER.

 

Her reaction will tell you what you need to understand about her intent.

 

No need to wait. You can have your answer now or a year from now.

[loveboid]

It's the anti depressants. Listen, I know what I'm talking about. She isn't being malicious. I used to want it three times a day and took a sedative for 8 weeks. I could not climax. I did not even want to try.

 

It's been 7 months since I've stopped taking it and my drive is slowly coming back. Taking this drug was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Docs downplay it because they're proxy salesmen.

 

What is she taking? Look that poison up. You will be surprised.

[beach]

It's the anti depressants. Listen, I know what I'm talking about. She isn't being malicious. I used to want it three times a day and took a sedative for 8 weeks. I could not climax. I did not even want to try.

 

It's been 7 months since I've stopped taking it and my drive is slowly coming back. Taking this drug was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Docs downplay it because they're proxy salesmen.

 

What is she taking? Look that poison up. You will be surprised.

 

It wouldn't matter at this point. She isn't interested.

 

Heck, he even said he's willing to live without the sex but needs intimacy. But she's not willing to provide him with a sense of closeness or a bond between the two of them.

 

You can't (or shouldn't need to) beg so done to love you the way you need to be loved.

[SummerDreams]

I, for this first time in 13+ years of unhappy sex, told her that i want sex more often, that it is important to me and to our relationship.

I was shaking, it was very hard for me to even say the words.

 

This is bad. You are too scared of her. You can't be in a relationship where you can't feel free to express your feelings. I'm telling you, this fear you have of her (although she may not consciously cause it) is leading your marriage slowly to death. You have to find a way and change this, not only regarding sex but for all matters primarily. You have to be able to express your thoughts and your desires freely and she has the obligation to take them into consideration.

 

The conversation ended with her saying that I have to change how I feel about sex, and that there is nothing she can do to change.

 

So you just backed up without expressing the seriousness of the situation. It seems that your wife is used to intimidate you into getting what she wants and she doesn't even know or imagine that you hate it. Again, you have to talk to her, find a way to stop being scared of her and resolve your issues.

 

I am devestated and know the only path to take is to end the relationship as we are just too far apart on this issue, and she feels it is not of enough importance to change anything.

 

No, there is another path. You need to stop being scared of her. You need to find the courage and talk to her openly about your feelings. Tell her you don't want to be intimidated by her anymore and go from there.

[bathtub-row]

No, there is another path. You need to stop being scared of her. You need to find the courage and talk to her openly about your feelings. Tell her you don't want to be intimidated by her anymore and go from there.

 

The problem is, he's dealing with someone who has no respect for him and who's incredibly callous. No matter what he may get to change in the short-term, it will never be permanent because this is who she is. It's difficult to get people to change under the best of circumstances. People as dysfunctional as her never, ever change. They just pick people who will put up with their nonsense because they think they have them held hostage by too many other factors - marriage, kids, house, etc. Trying over and over again to make things work with people like this is a complete waste of time.

[oldshirt]

This is bad. You are too scared of her. You can't be in a relationship where you can't feel free to express your feelings. I'm telling you, this fear you have of her (although she may not consciously cause it) is leading your marriage slowly to death. You have to find a way and change this, not only regarding sex but for all matters primarily. You have to be able to express your thoughts and your desires freely and she has the obligation to take them into consideration.

 

 

 

So you just backed up without expressing the seriousness of the situation. It seems that your wife is used to intimidate you into getting what she wants and she doesn't even know or imagine that you hate it. Again, you have to talk to her, find a way to stop being scared of her and resolve your issues.

 

 

 

No, there is another path. You need to stop being scared of her. You need to find the courage and talk to her openly about your feelings. Tell her you don't want to be intimidated by her anymore and go from there.

 

 

 

The only way for him to not fear her at this point is for him to build himself up to where he doesn't need her at all and it wouldn't hurt him a bit if she were to walk out.

 

 

Once he is at a point where he will easily survive without her and there is nothing she can do to him (she already does nothing for him) then the fear is eliminated.

 

 

Once he has someone better than her, she will just be a pesty fly buzzing around his face that he will swat away.

 

 

She has a point but it is misdirected. He does need to change but not in how he feels about sex, but rather how he feels about himself. Currently he needs her and feels he can't do better. That needs to change. This is largely a self esteem issue and a self image issue. He feels he is unworthy and undesirable and must somehow settle for this cold, dead fish and make it work with her somehow. Once he realizes he will do fine without her and will be able to do better than her, she will be sitting along side the road watching him fade away over the horizon.

[oldshirt]

This is bad. You are too scared of her. You can't be in a relationship where you can't feel free to express your feelings. I'm telling you, this fear you have of her (although she may not consciously cause it) is leading your marriage slowly to death. You have to find a way and change this, not only regarding sex but for all matters primarily. You have to be able to express your thoughts and your desires freely and she has the obligation to take them into consideration.

 

 

 

So you just backed up without expressing the seriousness of the situation. It seems that your wife is used to intimidate you into getting what she wants and she doesn't even know or imagine that you hate it. Again, you have to talk to her, find a way to stop being scared of her and resolve your issues.

 

 

 

No, there is another path. You need to stop being scared of her. You need to find the courage and talk to her openly about your feelings. Tell her you don't want to be intimidated by her anymore and go from there.

 

 

 

This has to be said -

 

 

"Much fear I sense in this one. Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering."

 

 

- Yoda

Edited September 10, 2014 by oldshirt

[loveboid]

Well, fear is a gift so I would trust it. No matter what build your resources to take more effective action because that is what fear is for. It is so painful to lose an attachment, even to someone who mistreats us, that you need to follow the advice here and build yourself up...not so that you won't be afraid but so that you have the spiritual and physical resources to give you courage for whatever you decide to do and for whatever comes to you--good or bad.

[2sunny]

The only way for him to not fear her at this point is for him to build himself up to where he doesn't need her at all and it wouldn't hurt him a bit if she were to walk out.

 

 

Once he is at a point where he will easily survive without her and there is nothing she can do to him (she already does nothing for him) then the fear is eliminated.

 

 

Once he has someone better than her, she will just be a pesty fly buzzing around his face that he will swat away.

 

 

She has a point but it is misdirected. He does need to change but not in how he feels about sex, but rather how he feels about himself. Currently he needs her and feels he can't do better. That needs to change. This is largely a self esteem issue and a self image issue. He feels he is unworthy and undesirable and must somehow settle for this cold, dead fish and make it work with her somehow. Once he realizes he will do fine without her and will be able to do better than her, she will be sitting along side the road watching him fade away over the horizon.

 

Good post.

 

 

But he's codependent and I'm not so sure he will become strong enough to break out of his anger/dependent pattern.

 

 

The only way to break a pattern is to do things opposite - and he's not ready to leave her yet.

 

His need of HER needing him... Even though the relationship is very lopsided is ----> bound to stay the same unless he breaks free from feeling "needed".

[TriCountyDad]

It's been really interesting (and sometimes uncomfortable...) to read all the posts in this thread. It's good to have the chance to see things from a different perspective. One thing I have been wondering about for some time, though, is whether a spouse withholding intimacy is often part of a larger pattern of passive-aggressive behavior. In the past year or so, I've started paying a bit more attention to some of the things my wife does when she's upset about something. A couple of times I've asked her about what she's doing and she's admitted that it's passive-aggressive behavior. She didn't apologize for it - she just admitted it. That started me thinking about whether or not someone could become so filled with unexpressed frustration that completely withholding intimacy could seem like the only way to "punish" their spouse for their transgressions. If anyone has any perspective on this, I'd really be interested in hearing it.

 

That said, I agree that antidepressants are a double-edged sword. They do help a lot of people deal with their depression, but they can also do a number on you in a lot of other ways, libido-killing included.

[Pompom]

I am struggling with this as she has made it clear that she "just has no sexual feelings anymore" yet i have more than ever.

I love when people remove the point of a relationship of this kind, but expect the relationship to last for its other benefits, and for their partner to "just deal with it". Are you supposed to masturbate for the rest of your life? I think rather than criticizing how she's presenting herself, ask her what you're supposed to do in this relationship from here onward, as a sexual being who didn't stay "just friends" with her for a reason, who wants to respect her wishes but also wants and needs to get laid every once in a while which is a perfectly normal and basic thing for an adult to pursue.

I think that by focusing on her clothing, you're avoiding the more difficult conversation. Because unless it was clear from the start that the relationship was mostly for the sake of benefits such as green cards, health insurance etc., you really could have just stayed friends if you're not gonna do the sexual part. Not that she must sleep with you, that'd be coercion/rape, but she must accept that you'll need it from SOMEONE if you're going to enjoy your life. If two peoples' likes and dislikes in basic human needs negatively and significantly impact at least one partner, there's a problem. She drealizes that, yes?