Ex flame back in the picture.

[brandon26003]

A year and a half ago I met this woman. I am 34 and she is 41. She has 4 kids. We slept together back then, and after a few months, didn't talk anymore. She said that she got scared because she was starting to really like me and ran. Fast forward...

 

About a month ago she starts randomly commenting on almost every facebook post...and some were in a flirtatious manner. Then we had some private messages through facebook where she said she wanted to hang at some point. I dismissed her advances because I would go days without hearing from her and I always had to make first contact. Then 2 weeks ago she texts me and wanted me to meet her. I met her for a few drinks and we ended up at my place and had sex again. She would make comments like how she admired me because of how I am with my mom and other random compliments. Then she invited me to an outdoor event where I met 2 of her kids. We talked for a few days after that and am now back to hardly hearing from her.

 

Is she running again? Why would she introduce me to her kids? Just seems like a big game to me.

[symphonyofwolves]

I think she wants you to chase her. She seems afraid of commitment, and is probably anticipating that you won't stay with her, so that's why she keeps running away, and making you contact her first. If you have feelings for her, let her know, just be upfront and completely honest with her. Tell her how you feel about her actions. Seriously. She will probably change her ways dramatically.

 

Question: do you have feelings for her? Could you see yourself with her?

It appears that it bothers you how she leaves all the time. If she doesn't mean anything to you then it wouldn't bother you.

[brandon26003]

I do care for her and could definitely see myself being in a relationship with her. She is an amazing person and great mother to her kids. She has raised them on her own. I'm conflicted because, to me, chasing is a game and I don't like games. I have told her that the way she has raised her children is a very attractive quality. I'm afraid that she will run faster if I tell her how I feel.

[emi]

Honestly, u sure u want to be a step father of 4kids? This isnt picnic

[brandon26003]

Yeah. I'm aware that it won't be a picnic. If a man really cares about a woman, he will take on the responsibility and treat their children as their own.

[Jiivy]

Yeah. I'm aware that it won't be a picnic. If a man really cares about a woman, he will take on the responsibility and treat their children as their own.

 

Good man. Know that they're someone else's kids - and that person will always have some capacity to be in their lives (and their mother's).

 

For something like this to work, you have to really be able to trust her and it sounds like she's got quite a few issues if she's bolting after falling for you...but that's ok, I actually have the same issues of trust too.

 

It just takes someone loving enough to step up to the plate and work things out with her openly and honestly.

 

Good luck.

[sugarlove]

My ex is 7 years younger than me as well and I'm a single mom of 3.

 

To be honest, I wouldn't let my children meet someone until I'm completely sure he is the one I'm going to be serious with for a while. If my kids are teenagers or young adults however, then it wouldn't be a big deal. It is quite hard for children to form connections with a stranger only to have him disappear. Learn my lesson the hard way.

 

Regarding commitment wise, I was very skeptical about my ex. I kept pushing him away to test him, as I doubt he knew what love is, due to his age. Of course, he begin to start doubting if I actually love him or not. But it got to the point when he wanted to settle down and I started panicking. I pulled away and he ran. So I guess he didn't love me enough, he's just not strong enough and I don't blame him due his age. If you are determine this will work out, then you have to show strength and be there for her despite her flakiness.

 

It's hard for single moms to date, divorce/separation will always be the biggest and most important breakup in anyone's life. It changes how you feel about love, who you place that trust in and how easy it is to start falling for someone only for him to disappear again.

 

Trust is still something I've yet to give fully. I'm scared of losing the independence I've tried so many years to regain and I don't want to lose it by being with someone and lost myself again.

 

I still love being with younger men, as I look like a kid myself, But don't expect her to give up her independence anytime soon. She doesn't need you but she sure love the sex. But she will also run if she's scared she's losing herself.

Edited July 13, 2014 by sugarlove

[brandon26003]

So on Friday she texted me saying that she saw me with my mom. A few messages were sent back and forth and I finally laid it out on the line. I'm a firm believer that it is best to make intentions known rather than to try and make the other person guess about them. I told her that since I haven't seen her or heard from her in a while that I wanted to make my intentions known. I told her that I am definitely interested in seeing how things turn out between us. I told her that I wouldn't try and be her childrens father, but would treat them like my own. I ended it by saying that it's best to put it out there now so she can decide if she wants to run the other way again or not. She messaged me back like 5 hours later saying that she was in a meeting and didn't mean to leave me hanging after a text like that. A few more random texts were sent back and forth that day, and it's the last I've heard from her. She didn't even acknowledge the text I sent her, and basically just told me that she received it. I sent the last message, so I feel that it's her turn to respond first.

 

I truly do believe that she does have some feelings for me and that she is expecting me to chase her some more. I am the type that I will chase a little bit, but if the person keeps running faster and faster and won't let me catch up, I pull off and go the other way. I've chased after women hard in the past and it came out as me looking clingy and desperate.

 

@sugarlove...How can I show strength if she continues to not give me a chance to ? She has said that she wants to find some free time to hang out with me, but there have been several times that she has posted on facebook that she was out and about with her friends. I understand that people need to spend time with their friends, but every time she was out with the same people. Why is she saying one thing and doing the other? Is it unfair to expect that if she really wanted to spend time with me that she would have sacrificed hanging with those friends one night and chose to spend it with me?

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said that she may be scared of losing her independence. I think that she wants to open up to me, but she feels that it will make her look weak. I think that she thinks this will make her look needy because she always makes comments saying that she doesn't need a man.

 

I just don't know how to proceed from here. She isn't giving me a chance to do much of anything since I never see her and rarely hear from her. I don't want to come across as needy and clingy by always making first contact. The sad part is that she literally lives a 2 minute walk from my house.

[Zahara]

I truly do believe that she does have some feelings for me and that she is expecting me to chase her some more. I am the type that I will chase a little bit, but if the person keeps running faster and faster and won't let me catch up, I pull off and go the other way. I've chased after women hard in the past and it came out as me looking clingy and desperate.

 

We make too many excuses for people to justify their behavior so that it's more acceptable in our mind.

 

You don't and shouldn't be chasing her. A year and a half later and she is still repeating her patterns. It's not your responsibility to chase her so that she feels comfortable and secure enough to be in a relationship. If she has no capacity to be emotionally healthy and available to navigate courtship/dating, then it shouldn't be up to you to lay the groundwork.

 

The thing is, she's done this before. And she'll keep doing it because this is how she's patterned. She showed you then, and she's showing you now, again.

 

You opened up and she didn't even give you the courtesy to acknowledge your feelings and your desires. Doesn't that tell you something? She just let that go over her head and has gone into silence.

 

Go out and date women that are emotionally available and present. Stop wasting your time chasing someone that doesn't know how or cannot reciprocate.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like she just wants a part-time thing that she can simmer with for a long while. She's busy, independent, and doesn't have the time or energy for an intense commitment. I'm guessing she'd probably be the same way with anyone she was dating.

 

You have to decide whether you can deal with this slow-burning, inconsistent style of relationship. Maybe this type of arrangement just fundamentally can't work for you.

 

If you do decide to deal with it, though, I think you should make it clear that everything can't be just on HER terms. Tell her you're cool with giving her lots of space, not being in her life 24/7, but you need to have a) a promise of monogamy/emotional commitment and b) more display of effort from her, so you don't feel like she only lets you in at rare moments of convenience.