NC broken after 8+ months

[randomwoman]

Had 8+ months of NC with OM up until recently.

We had a 2+ year EA prior to me initiating NC after a life event changed the dynamic of our relationship.

 

My mood was improving and I was finally beginning to let go. I continued to think about him at least once a day but they were just fleeting thoughts that did not devastate me like the first few months of NC.

I did not hear from him in 8+ months although he admitted to calling me from a different phone number during a particularly rough period a few months ago. He also admitted to keeping up with my social media posts.

 

He recently began posting what I felt were cryptic messages trying to reach out to me(subtweets). I verified this was the intention and now we are communicating once again.

 

After some catching up I find out that he recently had a car accident and is recovering from an injury. Our conversation picked right up where it left off and I felt like I was on cloud nine. It was catching up with an old friend and not sexual in nature at all. A genuine interest in what's been going on for all those months. Buzzed from the contact and staying up late just like the first time all over again...

 

We have been off and on over the years but this last bout of NC was the longest by far. I did not think we would ever talk again. I thought it was over.

 

Do you think he is just very bored during his recovery and is looking to kill some time? I didn't stop missing him during the NC but I did not break NC.

I just don't know what made him reach out to me after all these months. He doesn't seem resentful about the NC that I initiated.

 

To be honest, I'm worried that I will have to start this all over again when it gets to be too much.Is any amount of NC ever enough to kill the toxic elements of an EA and build a friendship or even less toxic EA. We are still in the same place as far as the future of any relationship between us. Both are married with no intention of going anywhere.

 

Ramblings of a woman that is disappointed in myself after 8 months of great progress. down the drain.

[Owl]

Why he reached out to you is really irrelevent.

 

What matters is...do you really wanna get sucked back into all that again?

 

And...I don't recall your situation...does your H know about the affair? If so...does he know about renewed contact?

[randomwoman]

Why he reached out to you is really irrelevent.

 

What matters is...do you really wanna get sucked back into all that again?

 

And...I don't recall your situation...does your H know about the affair? If so...does he know about renewed contact?

 

 

No, neither of our spouses are aware of the affair.

I miss having him to talk to but I do not miss the emotional rollercoaster.

I just wish I could get control of my emotions and I thought time would greatly reduce the toxicity..but I don't know if it ever goes away.

[randomwoman]

Had 8+ months of NC with OM up until recently.

We had a 2+ year EA prior to me initiating NC after a life event changed the dynamic of our relationship.

....

 

No one ever responds on this forum. I know this isn't incredibly interesting but sheesh.

[MayP]

Hugs

 

No, your story isn't boring. Same as mine, EA.

Just trying to manage myself, can't offer much help. But hey, I am alive here!

[MayP]

Endlessly torn between hoping to see him face to face again (only emails and Skype at the moment, but only at his convenience so it is LC) and fear of him seeing me again (and I will be even more emotionally invested).

Cruelty is my healing. I am scared, but if he ignores me totally, healing may start. I was talking about 8 days NC last week, which I broke at the end of 8th day. Certainly he replied and ask how did my week go. Simply updates on life and I did answer. Well, he went silent on me again.

Being in an 'not-normal' relationship is pretty weird. You accept things. No replies, you dig around for reasons to justify. I am feeling very disappointed now. Maybe it is a good thing.

[herself]

13 year EA with former coworker/friend.

Both of us ended it many times but we could never let eachother go.

At times it was toxic due to rollercoaster.

Mostly was good.

Both also married.

After 4 months nc, we ended up with a good friendship.

Im thinking its not ideal.

Im happy being married very much, and Id think he is too, we were never planning on leaving, but then where does that lead to anything satisfying?

Real love grows, how much can u grow it if u cant give it 100%

[randomwoman]

Endlessly torn between hoping to see him face to face again (only emails and Skype at the moment, but only at his convenience so it is LC) and fear of him seeing me again (and I will be even more emotionally invested).

Cruelty is my healing. I am scared, but if he ignores me totally, healing may start. I was talking about 8 days NC last week, which I broke at the end of 8th day. Certainly he replied and ask how did my week go. Simply updates on life and I did answer. Well, he went silent on me again.

Being in an 'not-normal' relationship is pretty weird. You accept things. No replies, you dig around for reasons to justify. I am feeling very disappointed now. Maybe it is a good thing.

 

I understand you completely. I once told him that all his messages to me sounded like FB statuses. Nothing asking me about me, just a simple message containing simple statements about what he was doing. I started finding these things very annoying and offensive. I called him out on it. Why should you have to convince someone to care when you give so much? It's ridiculous and you're(we're) worth so much more!

[MayP]

He said he wants to keep in contact, just to know my updates. Maybe he doesn't like me at all. Just a pea size perhaps.

 

I am sure it is possible if I have no feelings for him. At the moment, I feel and it is hard. When I couldn't care less anymore, that will be moot point.

[RegretfulAlways]

OP, what else about the situation (other than the obvious, that it's an EA, etc) feels toxic to you? Just curious as to what you mean exactly.

[randomwoman]

OP, what else about the situation (other than the obvious, that it's an EA, etc) feels toxic to you? Just curious as to what you mean exactly.

 

I feel that it is toxic for me because we stay so involved in the push/pull. We do things that will provoke the other almost just so we can make up after the fight. It feels toxic to me because I've never had someone have such control over my moods and emotions and actually use it to their full advantage. Powerful love/hate that makes me feel out of control.

[BrokenPrincess]

Any break in NC will send you back on the roller coaster. Mine broke after 9 months and within just a few days I was aching to have him back in my everyday life.

 

I've read a few posts here of breaking NC after 1-2 years and OW wasn't affected or sucked back in but they were single OW whose circumstances were changed during NC (usually dating a nice single guy). For you as a MOW and no DDay on either end, I'm sure that both of your home environments are still pretty similar to when the A was flourishing, so it would be pretty easy to slip back into your old habits, even after 8 months NC.

 

If you want to get over him, NC seems to be the only way. Sending my sympathy to you though because I am struggling with it myself and accepting the fact that he is gone from my life for good.

 

Xxx

[movingon45]

OP, been there done that. We also communicated again after several months of NC because of a common life event. We easily went back to friendship but then he became sexual on texting right away so I had to end it.

 

We are still friends in the sense that I can text him about something and he will answer but it's not like before. He's cold because I don't want it to be business as usual.

 

Like you we didn't have DDay and we didn't have promises to leave our marriages. I just can't play the game anymore. He was my college bf so there's a lot of history.

 

I am staying NC because I don't want any new hurts. We've been on and off for about 3 years.

 

Maybe your Ex is just bored and missing the thrill. I don't know. All I know is second guessing is no fun!!!

[christine1958]

Owl makes a good point. Forget about his intentions. Do you really want to stay on this roller coaster?

I understand your disappointment that after 8+ months of NC you fell back into the push/pull again. (great characterization, by the way)

Taking back control of your emotions is tough. I haven't figured out a way to do that yet. My MM is so present in my thoughts all the time and I have little luck pushing him out of my head.

How did you do it during the 8+ months?

[randomwoman]

How did you do it during the 8+ months?

 

One day something he said was just the straw that broke the camel's back. With no more words, I blocked him from everything. Removed the app we were using to communicate, removed him from facebook and any other social media sites, deleted his number. Basically anything I had been hanging on to was destroyed. For the first month, my goals of NC were week by week. I have one trusted friend that allowed me to vent and talk about anything to avoid reaching out to him.

I also found a quit smoking app that helped me break the habit. It sounds odd but it works for the first few weeks which are the toughest.

 

Pretty soon, months had gone by. I found that I still thought about him often but didn't want to 'lose' by contacting him first..especially since he didn't make a single effort to follow up as to why I wasn't contacting him. What if I had been kidnapped that day, he would never know because he didn't even bother to determine what happened(dramatic, I know )

I think the fact that he didn't chase me or even inquire about what happened upset me even more but also just made me realize how insignificant I was to his life. Take me or leave me type of attitude.

 

After being back in communication, I find that he's trying to reel me back in with comments about how he thought about me often and instead of contacting me directly, he just looked me up on the internet all the time.

 

I find that we are able to communicate for a while but then I apply all of my unrealistic expectations which ruin everything. I find that I cannot be casually involved with him, I expect full commitment even when it's clearly not possible on either side. UGGHH.

[movingon45]

So have you since unblocked him? I've done that too many times but then I put him back in. After reading this I feel like doing that again. Whether we admit it or not once we start communicating there's that hope !

[randomwoman]

So have you since unblocked him? I've done that too many times but then I put him back in. After reading this I feel like doing that again. Whether we admit it or not once we start communicating there's that hope !

 

I have unblocked him since we started talking again but have not friended him on anything. I have no interest in being aware of what he is doing in his 'real' life because it just still hurts. Blocking definitely helps especially if you should have mutual friends like we do. Without blocking, he would show up unexpectedly in my feeds and it would ruin my day. I would also suggest installing leechblock add on for firefox. You can add his sites and your browser will not allow you to access them. Disable the other browsers of course to avoid just going into IE to look.

[MissTakes]

Oh randomwoman, that's the worst. I hate feeling like I've regressed.

 

Right now I'm trying to decide if I have or not.

 

I was completely NC for 5 months. This week, I was talking with my xAP's brother and some other people in a chat. Didn't realize my xAP was there. He started directly addressing messages to me. I politely responded with messages which brokered no opening for further conversation, but even just that amount of contact pissed me off.

 

On the bright side, I guess, I was angry with him for trying to talk to me, instead of it making me miss him...

 

And in answer to your question: yes, he is just trying to pass time. Hate to be harsh, but it's what we all need sometimes. He started the A in the first place, probably, because he was bored. Now he's bored again, and he apparently has no qualms about screwing up your life to have a little bit of entertainment in his. That's crappy of him. Get mad.

[randomwoman]

 

And in answer to your question: yes, he is just trying to pass time. Hate to be harsh, but it's what we all need sometimes. He started the A in the first place, probably, because he was bored. Now he's bored again, and he apparently has no qualms about screwing up your life to have a little bit of entertainment in his. That's crappy of him. Get mad.

 

I should be mad! I should have told him off or not replied at all.

 

Unfortunately I thought..aww, he's on his deathbed and he's thinking about me. He must really really love me deep down and it took an accident to wake him up....You know, the things all those crazy movies make you fantasize about. Bored is a lot more likely but does not make for the best story in your head.

If there is any bright spot to having success with NC, I think it lets them know that you can definitely live without them & thrive. I had a lot of great moments while he was away and I made sure to catch him up on all those awesome things that happened to me because LIFE WENT ON.