What compelled you to cross the line?

[Gunthar]

If you're a MOW and got involved with a MM, and you suggested you have a relationship, what was it that compelled you?

 

Please, I need to hear some of the real (actual) reasons MW do this. I got sucked in by her proposition and I can't get any answers from xAP without increasing the contempt she wants to hold me in if I break NC. Why? I know only she can answer that, but I need something to go on...

 

Thank you.

G

Edited July 9, 2014 by Gunthar

[Ladydrib]

If you're a MOW and got involved with a MM, and you suggested you have a relationship, what was it that compelled you?

 

Please, I need to hear some of the real (actual) reasons MW do this. I got sucked in by her proposition and I can't get any answers from xAP without increasing the contempt she wants to hold me in if I break NC. Why? I know only she can answer that, but I need something to go on...

 

Thank you.

G

 

Are you married? Sounds like she might be trying to force you to either leave or lose her.

 

I never propositioned my ex mm. We ended up developing a liking for each other before it became inappropriate then next thing you know we were already attached to each other. It happened without seeing it coming. Once we noticed it, we were already pretty well stuck.

[Owl]

Gunthar...no disrespect or attempt to call you out and set you up here.

 

I'm simply curious...how do you think hearing responses to your question will help you?

 

What would answers to this question...even directly from YOUR MW...do to help you out at this point?

 

If she's insistent on NC...then it's over. Focus instead on healing and moving would be your better bet.

[Gunthar]

I'll just limit the thread to my question next time I guess, since I wanted real responses, not commentary on what is going on for me.

 

Thanks though...

[Owl]

I'll just limit the thread to my question next time I guess, since I wanted real responses, not commentary on what is going on for me.

 

Thanks though...

 

Apologies...I'll avoid your threads in the future.

[carhill]

OP, a bit complex since the dynamics shifted from MW/OM at one point in life to MM/OW at another point but I was fortunate enough, I guess, to interact with someone who had become brutally honest in her older years and she gave me the straight scoop about her 'reasons' at a young age for our 'relationship'. It wasn't complicated at all. She had married her H young to get out of the house (abuse) and when things weren't going good for her with him, she accepted the advances of her boss and they were having a PA when I entered the picture. At that point, I didn't know she was married or was having an affair. She came to 'like' me for what I was providing for her, evidently something different than the other two men, so grew that interaction, as it, she said, helped her end her PA. Once she saw that I was 'serious', she advised me of her marital status so I wouldn't have any 'ideas' about she and I 'forever'.

 

I didn't get quite that far with future MW's but the theme has remained pretty similar over the decades. They fill up their tank of wants and needs from the care of others, using sex, or sexual allure, as appropriate. Sometimes they do care, sometimes not. Each is individual.

 

What I have found is there are plenty who have no inhibition about crossing the lines of propriety emotionally, largely because they don't consider such improprieties to be cheating or an affair. They can simply deny it and move on. Relationships, increasingly, are casual and transitory, so it follows that they can go with that and feel positive about it. To survive in that environment, I had to let go of a lot of standards and practices regarding commitment and focus on longevity and live more in the now. I think the brutal honesty of that one MW, had I heard it in its entirety at the time as a young man, would have helped immensely. As it was, I ended up, at the time, confused and largely asking some of the same questions as yourself, for years, especially in light of other, similar, events. IMO, we encounter what we encounter and it's unique for each of us. Sometimes sharing encounters lends insight, much as experiencing numerous encounters can lend understanding of some of the commonalities.

 

As an older man, I do see the value in Owl's advice, and did find the focus on NC and 'moving on' without analysis to really assist in healing. Forensics are fine but have a recovery plan and work it. That's my .02 as a fOM and fMM. Good luck.

[Gunthar]

Again, thanks. Not quite what I asked, but I know how we want to be 'right' and advise/project accordingly.

 

I've had some nice PMs come in that answer me directly. Really appreciate it. And a lot more helpful, really.

 

Maybe limit responses to just MOW who fit the implied scenario...and who have a story to tell about how they decided to cross the line.

[Soverysad123]

Hello.

 

For me it was not about waking up and deciding to cross the line, it just happened. Chemistry and emotions got the better of me and I somehow justified what I was doing. Now I am out of the fog, I can't believe that I betrayed my family, risked my children's childhood etc. I was never found out, although I know that one day ExMM could tell but taking that risk. Anyway back to you question. It was just animal instinct that took over and my thinking head just wasn't working. I knew in my heart of hearts what I was doing was wrong but it felt ok.

 

Now I am out of the fog I am able to work on my marriage and it's better than it's ever been. But I have only been in true NC for 3 weeks but out of the affair for 4 months and it's now that we have NC that I can really work on my marriage.

 

Affaires are the most hurtful and terrible things for all. There really is no winners. They just hurt and the risks are so great. It's so true that if you play with fire you get burnt. Ride through the pain and come out the other side a better person who is free from emotional pain.

[Gunthar]

Hello.

 

For me it was not about waking up and deciding to cross the line, it just happened. Chemistry and emotions got the better of me and I somehow justified what I was doing. Now I am out of the fog, I can't believe that I betrayed my family, risked my children's childhood etc. I was never found out, although I know that one day ExMM could tell but taking that risk. Anyway back to you question. It was just animal instinct that took over and my thinking head just wasn't working. I knew in my heart of hearts what I was doing was wrong but it felt ok.

 

Now I am out of the fog I am able to work on my marriage and it's better than it's ever been. But I have only been in true NC for 3 weeks but out of the affair for 4 months and it's now that we have NC that I can really work on my marriage.

 

Affaires are the most hurtful and terrible things for all. There really is no winners. They just hurt and the risks are so great. It's so true that if you play with fire you get burnt. Ride through the pain and come out the other side a better person who is free from emotional pain.

 

So, would you say you can't really help but hold him in contempt now? And, there's just nothing special for you in what you had?

 

I know this is a lot to consider. Thank you for considering this. I know it can hurt.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Gunther,

 

I was attracted to him, physically at first. He was kind and sexy. When we began we both thought it would just be for a little fun. Feelings developed on both sides. The ending came because of the relization I was self sabotaging my marriage. It didn't mean I had contempt or hostility for him. I will always feel he was special to me and my friend. We knew from the beginning it would not last forever. The ending came because it was supposed to. I don't have any occasion to run into him while out if I did I imagine I would smile from across the room and recall our times together but no contact would be desired. I know myself I cannot expose myself to him because I may head right back into the addictive feelings which surround the affair.

 

Don't put yourself on the roller coaster. You were both married, you fulfilled a need for each other, unless you were a ons, you had feelings for each other.its over because it's supposed to be. Leave her in nc she wants to improve her marriage, this isn't about you, it's about her now.

[randomwoman]

If you're a MOW and got involved with a MM, and you suggested you have a relationship, what was it that compelled you?

 

Please, I need to hear some of the real (actual) reasons MW do this. I got sucked in by her proposition and I can't get any answers from xAP without increasing the contempt she wants to hold me in if I break NC. Why? I know only she can answer that, but I need something to go on...

 

Thank you.

G

By nature, I'm a very impulsive person. I have made many rash decisions based on whims in my life. I often take risks without thinking of the consequences.

This type of behavior caused me to cross the line with the MM. We began by testing the waters for quite some time. He is sort of the same way in that he is impulsive and controlled by fleeting moods. The best way I can put it is that one night we were both in sort of a manic mood and jumped and it's been that way since. I was drawn to him from the moment I met him and I think he was the same way, we were just impulsive at the same time which jumpstarted the relationship.

[movingon45]

Because he was my ex in college and we didn't have sex. Now that I'm in a sexless marriage I was curious to see what it's like with my exMm. So when he suggested it due to unfinished business I guess I agreed. But it's all over now. No dday.

[Soverysad123]

So, would you say you can't really help but hold him in contempt now? And, there's just nothing special for you in what you had?

 

I know this is a lot to consider. Thank you for considering this. I know it can hurt.

 

What we had at the time was amazing, and felt real. I believed he was the one person on this planet made for me. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did but what we had was not enough break up innocent children's life's. While we were trying this friends thing after breaking up he really played with me and it made me realise that what I have at home is everything that I have always wanted and I didn't realise what was in front of me.

 

I f he had not played games with my emotions I would never of realised how great a man my husband is and also it has just made me feel sorry for him. I am enjoying him not being in my life but when I think of the great times we had I smile.

 

Keep strong xx

[Justwondering33]

I met my OM while having problems in my marriage , I thought I was getting divorced ,met a cute guy (he did have a gf) & thought nothing more than it being a fling to transition me on how to be single (married young). 6 years , a d-day , him getting married , both of us having kids with our spouses & a million times of breaking it off (bc that's the right thing) later , we just can't seem to stop.

 

That's why I did it though , I had mentally checked out my marriage (I married my 1st real bf) & it felt good that another man wanted me , not bc he was just my husband & he's suppose to , felt good to feel that way after a long time of. not.

[Got it]

In a nutshell: I was done with my marriage and here was this amazingly smart, funny, caring, unbelievably sexy, wonderful man in front of me that seemed to be interested in me. So I made the move forward. There are many things along the way I wish I did differently but never those moments. It has never crossed my mind to wish those away.

[DylanC1]

This is an excellent reply from Got It. Makes alot of sense and will hopefully help you dude:)

[IMsodumb]

Why do MOW get involved? Probably for some of the same reasons MOM do. Lack of interest from spouse regarding sex, closeness, husband doesn't stroke ego anymore, things get stale etc.

 

From my POV, my husband stopped making any effort. We completely disconnected. It caused a lot of resentment and anger against him which led to a lot of arguing...it was a domino effect really.

 

When I met my AP it was like fireworks. We were instantly attracted to each other and because I had been neglected for quite awhile, it was easy to cross the line. We have been all in for almost 3 yrs although I am trying to end it. It's very hard though. Not only did we cross a line starting this, we have crossed the line with feelings. The "L" word has been thrown around so going NC is very hard.

 

Hope this helps.

[Confusion_Reigns]

It's not easy to cross lines within oneself. Makes a woman really question herself in a very fundamental way. I have allowed myself to cross this line because this man makes me "feel" a part of myself that I thought was dead. It's like coming alive. The marriage I'm in isn't a good one. Ive hardened myself to survive. & I don't want to live like this anymore.

 

This amazing man has helped me to be brave & knowing him has forced me to really see myself & some of what I see isn't very pretty...but he still enjoys my company. & we will just see where things go from here

[MatchStick]

Are you married? Sounds like she might be trying to force you to either leave or lose her.

 

I never propositioned my ex mm. We ended up developing a liking for each other before it became inappropriate then next thing you know we were already attached to each other. It happened without seeing it coming. Once we noticed it, we were already pretty well stuck.

 

 

Same happened here: just kind of crept up on me. I know I had NOO intention of going inappropriate. It never got physical, emotional for awhile, and then it was over. We did have personality traits in-common. I am not unhappy enough in my marriage to leave it, and not for him. My marriage has been well-tested as the rubber-has-hit-the-road many a time, and we pulled through well. And while it may not have all the glitter and ease maybe I could desire, it is fundamentally sound. It was nice to enjoy someone else's company and personality for awhile. However, there wasn't substance to it, or should I say, it would have been inappropriate to develop that. I broke it off, and went NC.

[Nattie]

My MOM and I flirted for many months, but I didn't think physically anything was going to happen, until the second it did. He was my boss, we were always around groups of coworkers, but one day we were alone in a room, he kissed me and that was it. The worst part is I felt ZERO guilt for the first year, like it was a dream and I wasn't really doing anything wrong. A year into it I was coming home from an encounter with him, and the weight of what I was doing hit me out of nowhere. I had a nervous breakdown, and was physically sick for two days. I wouldn't see him for a few months after, but we kept contact and eventually were back on. Now it's downright out of control.

[Majormisstep]

I had checked out of my M and wondered what on earth it would be like to be in the company of a strong, intelligent, handsome and articulate man. So I made the move.

 

4+ years later and those encapsulating traits have turned into defensiveness, arrogance, bullying and self-pity.

 

God I need to get out of this. Now.

[ForeverTainted]

I think you may have control issues. People who get uppity with posters who merely try to ask the hard questions that actually will help them are either having a sore spot hit or a control issue. Your unrealistic need to discover the "why" of your xMoW's actions are apart of your need to get control back. The fact I didn't listen to your lecture is going to confirm this.

 

A hundred former and current MW could answer you and none of them could fit your xMoW's feelings or motives. She may not even know. She could have changed her own history so even if you were to get an answer it might not be what really lead her down the garden path. You are looking for answers that satisfy you. But picking someone else's experience to fit your situation isn't going to help you. Taking your eyes of her and looking deep within is the only thing that can help. That is how we take control back.

 

I cheated because I said yes when I should have said no. I fell in love while still in love with my husband and leading two lives nearly killed me. I ended things because my husband and my children were more important to me than the relationship that I had with mOM. I got the fantasy of an affair out of my head.

[Gunthar]

I think you may have control issues. People who get uppity with posters who merely try to ask the hard questions that actually will help them are either having a sore spot hit or a control issue. Your unrealistic need to discover the "why" of your xMoW's actions are apart of your need to get control back. The fact I didn't listen to your lecture is going to confirm this.

 

A hundred former and current MW could answer you and none of them could fit your xMoW's feelings or motives. She may not even know. She could have changed her own history so even if you were to get an answer it might not be what really lead her down the garden path. You are looking for answers that satisfy you. But picking someone else's experience to fit your situation isn't going to help you. Taking your eyes of her and looking deep within is the only thing that can help. That is how we take control back.

 

I cheated because I said yes when I should have said no. I fell in love while still in love with my husband and leading two lives nearly killed me. I ended things because my husband and my children were more important to me than the relationship that I had with mOM. I got the fantasy of an affair out of my head.

 

Thank you for your third paragraph.

 

Ah, the 'original' notion of 'control'. If I weren't so clearly on the non-control side of things, I might entertain that notion just a bit. Really, 'control' would be, in my case, a misapplied judgement. But easy for outsiders to infer: all too banal for this board, really.

 

Being insatiably curious about a love lost (a love that she risked everything for... and then walked away cold turkey, seemingly), while suffocating herself and me in the process (I painfully/patiently wait for the opportunity for those answers, or to redeem it all ideally), is hardly 'control'. It's desire to repair what we broke, or to at least understand more. And all too human. We collided, and the result we have right now makes ZERO sense. (well, it does and it doesn't)

 

I understand how most women on the other side of it want to bury it, but I also know all too well that women change their desires/minds regularly (maybe we call it their own version of control??). But, the things called 'control' become understood as something else eventually (the psycho-babble judgements drift away), and the 'specimen in the petri dish' is labeled much less sinister, maybe even something endearing again, because a man loved a woman deeply; and let's her go daily (but no, not completely - it was clear what she wanted).

 

You may feel control if your xMM is in the same boat as me, idk (assuming we share similar situations), but that is your fear and inference.

 

Appreciate your effort, a little. I'm sure it was gratifying in some way for you to be so direct and focused.

 

Peace.

-G

Edited July 26, 2014 by Gunthar

[herself]

Sometimes there arent answers. She thought it was wrong and went cold turkey, she was suspected of or accused of cheating so she quit, she lost her attraction for you, she still loves you but is realistic theres no future since your married to others.

If the answer was easy or cut and dry you would probably already have it.

But if she really had loved you, she wouldnt be so cruel as to leave u with nothing.

My guess is you were in 2 different places. You fell hard and she saw it as a casual fun fling and bailed when she saw it was gonna complicate her life.

Can u make the effort once and for all to let her go?

Seems your only option as she seems long gone and not looking back. Im sorry.