SelSen Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Hi all this is the first time I have ever posted on a forum so please help me, I am 43 years old my wife is 42 we have been together 22 years and married for 16 year. 18 months ago after little argument she told me that she wanted to sleep in a separated room and need some space for her. She complained that she living like a single mum for past seven years we have two boys 10 and 13 years. At first she couldn't give me any answers to my questions saying she didn't know herself it just didn't feel right and she had buried her feelings for so long that they all just spilled out, basically we had just drifted apart, our sex life was ok we always enjoyed sex but it could be weeks in between. She is a solicitor but not worked for 7 years due to child care commitments and she was helping me part time with my business. She met this woman who is a solicitor too in a wedding and she offered my wife a job since then they become close friends and spent lot of time together. After few weeks in to this job she started behaving strangely. Her original complaint that she is not happy in this marriage for past seven years and never happy with me and she only stayed with me for shake of the children. She blamed me for drinking (I am not a huge drinker and only drink beers) and accused me for taking drug (this was her friend’s input). She then became so spiritual and meeting this spiritual leaders. In April 2013 she filed for a divorced without discussing with me. All my friends and family (including her own brother) are surprised and couldn’t believe the blame she is making to break up this marriage. I know that this new friend was so much influence in her so I took it easy and gave the space she asked for. I was not sure what is going on and couldn’t believe this is happening to our live. I initially though she was going through midlife crises and took it easy. She seems very determined to call it a day she has said a few times I know I've made the right decision and if she ends a relationship there's no going. I have started having some counselling following our separation for me to try and get my head straight I have suggested it to her but again she just refuses saying I don't need any counselling. We are talking and staying and putting up with her mood swings, I do have crossed words with each other it's a difficult time for all of us but we seem to get over it quickly. The divorce talk was going on however she was not made any effort to speed thing up as she is worried about her financial situation; I am paying the entire expense. She spends her all money doing shopping. When I looked back and after some investigation I found the following: She is having a very close friend ship with a guy who she met while on holiday in 2012 (just before our problem). He is a dentist and she had some treatment from him while she was on a holiday then they become friends on FB and regular chat on the phone. When I asked her about this friend ship she said he is just a friend so I asked her to show me what they are talking about on FB however all the chat on FB was deleted. After this conversation she went and re opened the divorce case. Recently she send him some gifts and she is in total denial and accusing me for suspecting her. I have put up with for so long and I need to move on. I was going to leave home last week end but she is not keen as well as the boys. I am staying there for the boys and not sure what to do. She is not willing to contribute any money towards the expense. Should I wait for her to change or move forward? I would appreciate your comments and advice. I know it was a long story over a long time so please feel free to ask me questions. Edited July 9, 2014 by SelSen Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 If this marriage can be saved you both have a lot of work to do. You will need to reduce the drinking & pay more attention to her. She will need to ditch the dentist Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 She shows all the signs of a cheating wife. Most likely she's cheating with the dentist, but it's also possible she's bisexual and cheating with the other woman, too. A good friend of mine ended her 24 year marriage when she discovered that she's bisexual, and since then has only dated women. Your marriage is only salvageable if she is willing to make the effort, end whichever cheating or inappropriate relationship(s) she's having (the dentist for sure), provide full disclosure and transparency (full access to her email and social network accounts, with passwords), and show remorse for her actions. The odds of all this are very poor, and your best bet to make the best happen is to focus on your own well-being and file for divorce as a wake-up call for her - you can always stop the proceedings, but you have to mean it if you don't enter a true reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SelSen Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Thank you guys for your prompt response. Sorry i forgot to mention she is no longer working with this woman and that was a big relief. She already filed for a divorce so i will reply to the notice they served me. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Yep, definitely a cheating wife. Doesn't matter whether she still does it or it's in the past, your marriage is over because she never got out of the affair fog. Good luck, especially to your boys. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 She already filed for a divorce so i will reply to the notice they served me. If she already filed, you don't have a choice to stay. You have to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Yep, definitely a cheating wife. Doesn't matter whether she still does it or it's in the past, your marriage is over because she never got out of the affair fog. Good luck, especially to your boys. Yep.. my thought as well.... My wife told me the same thing before to leave for her boss... She was constatly with him, but always told me there were nothing between them, even he was ugly... But one day, she left, and I found out after it was to go with him... And she told me then the same things than you, that she wasn't in love for ten years (we were together for 23 years and 3 kids), and even our sex life sounded good, having sex once a week, and she came everytime... no faking, easy to see... If she is with that dentist, I don't believe anything would change her mind, except if their relation would go wrong after living together.. And that could happened, after 4 months, my wife and her boss had a big argument, he beat her and are separated since.. But she never came back anyway... so prepare for the worse.. Sorry about it... Edited July 9, 2014 by Bluesandy Link to post Share on other sites
Author SelSen Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Thanks guys. Only think is Dentist is living in different part of the world. I believe they chat on FB and phone. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Thanks guys. Only think is Dentist is living in different part of the world. I believe they chat on FB and phone. Then I just hope she isn't taking the kids down if she's going to chase after him. That'd be a traumatic experience alright. Link to post Share on other sites
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