kkat Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 Strange development - just wanted to see what you all think of this? My Ex-MM has reinitiated contact - I had finally stopped talking to him altogether and hadn't seen him since September - and asked me to hear him out regarding the following. In a nutshell, he says he wants me in his life and accepts I am unwilling to be a secret or in an affair with him - which he no longer wants either - , and that he doesn't want to cause me any more pain. He asked if he could find a way to make our relationship - as a friendship only - public to his wife, with her knowing we are in a friendship - if I would be willing to give this a chance. He says he would like for me to be able to, for example, have dinner with him, visit and call him at his work (his restaurant where his brother and son work), come into the restaurant with friends or to dine with him, etc. and would like to be able to see me occasionally without lying. He said he he realizes he would have to tell his wife - not about our affair of the last year and a half - but that we are in touch and in each other's life. He was definitive on that part - that he understands it would be an issue between his wife and he but that he is willing to do this to have me in his life. By the way, remember, this woman hates me - or so she has told many people - and I don't blame her - he left her and lived with me for 3 years a decade ago. I can't imagine why she would be OK with it, nor can I figure out what he's up to. Thoughts appreciated. Not sure I want to reconnect with him on this level, although of course I miss his friendship, but regardless, I wonder what the LS community thinks he might be up to with this? Best, KKat Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 it sounds all wonderful on the surface, but i cant help but think it is just a ploy to keep the relationship going. tell him you are quite happy with that and will come round for dinner with him and his wife for starters. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 Sounds to me like he wants the benefits of having you around, without the drawbacks of getting in trouble for it. He's only kidding himself. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 His suggestion is a typically confused piece of MM/exMM garbage thinking. It is completely ridiculous and disrespectful to his wife AND YOU to think that the two of you could just have a "friendship". If his wife already hates you, it is for good reason. NOT that I think you deserve to be hated, but you do personify the threat to her marriage. Even if she doesn't "officially know about the affair" this time around, a wife can sense a threat. In her shoes, I would feel exactly the same. You suffered a lot in this relationship, and now that you are beginning to pull free, it is only natural that as the user he is, he would pull you back into the situation that has caused you so much suffering. What he's trying to do is clear...kid himself and possibly you that this is just about friendship, when I believe it is him trying to pull you back into the quagmire. He decided to stay with his wife...right? So if he were thinking straight, he would do things that enhance his marriage. It is sad to lose someone that you thought was a friend, but this friend has not been friendly towards you. There are many people in the world with whom you can build friendships just as strong and rewarding - without the blowback that comes from a MM r/s. I wasn't aware of the "10 years ago" r/s. Now that I know, it makes my advice all the stronger. He is turning affairs with you into his life pattern. BOTTOM LINE: You've come so far, stay away from this user. Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 As the others have said, it sounds like this is a way to keep you in his life, and to also keep you from living your own....I wouldn't "bite". He made his decision, he has to live with it. I wouldn't turn back now... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 It will be easier for him to prey upon you for sex if he finangles his way into your heart again with the "friendship" bull****. Don't buy it. Tell him to go f*ck his hat. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Emotionally I think you will be left wanting more. And how long do you want to continue to provide him with emotional support? The rest of his life? If she is unhappy with your relationship, what prevents her from snapping and coming after you? I know this sounds extreme but I had these feelings and you know my story. Don't let him suck you dry. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 1) His wife seems to hate you. You have outlined a perfectly valid reason. From her POV it would not make sense to allow you back in his life. If she was comfortable with the idea, she would have told you, or at least not made comments about how much she hates you. 2) Your ex-MM has left her to spend a long time with you. Even if it were 80 years ago, it must have been an extreme knockdown for her. Why the two of them remained together is a mystery to me. Probably lifestyle / financial reasons, but that is only an assumption. 3) You will always be a considered to be a threat by her. You can't do anything right in her eyes. If he will have the balls to confess to his wife you two have been in contact, she can only assume the worst from her perspective. The situation will only become extremely unhealthy and dangerous. How stupid can a desperate MM be? And how can you be certain he will be telling her? If he does not want to risk his life, he does not tell her. The two of you (MW and OW) probably have not met, or at least have not spoken directly. Hence the extra control MM has over this situation. He is trying to get some action on the side, and seems pretty desperate for it. But after 3 years of living with you he gave you his answer. That he preferred his wife for whatever reason, over you. Don't give in, and tell him to f*ck a knife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted February 21, 2005 Author Share Posted February 21, 2005 Thanks for all the great comments. I really appreciate it. I want to stay focused on my objective which is to one day be free of this relationship and my addiction to it and to make a place in my heart and mind where I might have a chance one day to find a real love. This is my biggest struggle. Even for the 7 years where I had no contact with him, I had no real relationship (or even a facsimile of one) with anyone else. Even now that I know he's not a possibility, or even the person I believed or fantasized or hoped he was, I can't visualize or imagine someone else. So, perhaps I listen to this latest version of crap from him because in someway I'm trying to justify staying in contact with him. But, staying in touch with him is not what I really want, and I appreciate you all helping me see that. I do think there is something creepy to this - I think he has some wierd objective here that I just can't figure out. At one point, I told him very definitely that I would not have any relationship with him at all - nothing - if I were a secret, and that I have tremendous anger towards him about making me a secret when he told me he was getting a divorce and when he knew from our first relationship I wasn't willing to be a secret. I think in some way he is afraid I am going to "out him" one day, and he is trying to manage me to keep that from happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I agree with what the other ladies have said. No way! What will happen is you will become his support system again and what will you have? ...another broken heart. It isnt worth it. "tell him to go F*** his hat" bahahahaha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted February 26, 2005 Author Share Posted February 26, 2005 So, things are starting to get less murky, if only more disturbing. Seems ex-MM's motivation to establish said "friendship" with me is that he is convinced I am going to reveal our affair to his wife or others close to him. His true motivation crept out in a conversation - he just wants to manage me somehow. He figures if I am in an active "friendship" with him I'd never rat him out. Now who's the rat here. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 At least now you know. It should make it easier to walk away now, or at least it would for me if I found out something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 Walk away from the rat. Of course you still better be walking a way from this man. He is not interested in what is healthy for you, but only interested what is healthy for him. And he seems to be losing his marbles, as I cannot imagine you threatened to tell his wife of the affair. And once in the friendship, which would not allow you to tell of the affair to his wife in his mind, he could also start again for the benefits. Once in an affair, it's next to emotionally impossible to tell the betrayed wife that you are having an affair with him. It is all about him, and you know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted February 26, 2005 Author Share Posted February 26, 2005 Right? One thing, you're right in that I never threatened to tell his wife, but I did reveal to him some things that came out in my therapy with two different therapists (I changed b/c of insurance) --- both of them identified that for me a huge issue was the fact that I resented being a secret and in a clandestine affair, when he and I had lived together very publicly years ago the first time I was involved w/ him (when he left his wife and started divorce proceedings, etc.). I told him from the first time he re-contacted me and started pursuing a r/s that I was unwilling to be in an A and he said, him neither, that he was telling his wife he was leaving. He convinced me he needed time for financial and other logistical reasons, and typical OW here, I believed him and gave him some time, all the while being very clear w/ him that it was my understanding and requirement he tell her asap that he was leaving, and tell his children (who know me from our prior r/s) that he was involved with me again. Bottom line, both therapists advised me that a healing action for me would be to reveal the affair, and that they felt I was w/in my right to do so since I relentlessly talked to him about the necessity that our r/s be out in the open. So, he knows this is a big issue for me historically, and now that I have moved away from him, he realizes I don't have much motivation to keep my mouth shut. As you stated, he realizes that if I'm in an active "friendship" with him that I'd be much less likely to ever jeopardize that. Bottom line, he's trying to manage me because he's freaking out. Jerk-y jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 Just put aside the question if it were actually healthy for you to tell his W or not. Your therapists suggested it was healthy for you to do so. He perceives that as a threat to his marriage. He wants to keep you as a friend to keep you from telling his wife that you were in an affair with her husband. The conflict of interest is very clear: he does not want you to heal from all this, somehow he wants his marriage to survive. By becoming a friend to him and in the open his W will get highly suspicious. She will be affraid at the least, that something might be going on between the two of you again. You know how she thinks of you, because you lived with her husband for 3 years. This simply shows that exMM is freaking out. I do doubt the wisdom of revealing the affair. For it to be a healing action, there are a lot of things to consider. I cannot judge their marriage, the age and development of their children et cetera. Have you been the only OW exMM ever had? Et cetera. Walk away and stay away. The more he shares his "reasons" with you, the more ammo he gives to you to keep him away. Let him freak out on his own accord, and he will spill the beans to his W eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 As you stated, he realizes that if I'm in an active "friendship" with him that I'd be much less likely to ever jeopardize that. Bottom line, he's trying to manage me because he's freaking out. QUOTE dont they just make you shudder Link to post Share on other sites
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