Is MM for Real? (Sorry - its long)

[formetoknow1971]

I have been lurking here for some time, and have appreciated all of the stories and advice members have shared. I am finally at a point where I am ready to do the same.

 

I am a married professional woman, in her early 40s. I have been married for 13 years, and dated my husband for 6 years before our wedding. Our marriage was a good one until about six years ago, when a series of events, e.g., job loss, cross-country move, family illnesses, started to take there toll on my husband. I have tried and tried to support him, and to make him happy. However, he has turned bitter, and can be downright mean to me, and to my family (who have been nothing but good to him, not to mention generous). He takes me for granted, and uses me as his punching bag. Unfortunately, he started taking his behavior public about a year ago, so all of our close friends have witnessed his treatment of me. It has gotten to the point that many of them have pulled me aside and asked my why I put up with him. I have begged him to seek both individual counseling, and marriage counselling to no avail. Consequently, our marriage has crumbled. Believe me, I recognize that I am partly to blame for the fact that our relationship is as bad as it is today - I understand fully that it "takes two to tango." I am currently in therapy to help figure out where to go from here.

 

We have three children ages 11, 10, and 7, of which my husband is an adoring father. In fact, the one thing that has kept me with him has been that he truly loves our children, and shows them that in many ways all of the time. With that said, I am not sure that being a good father is enough to make me stay any longer.

 

As I mentioned, I have been incredibly unhappy in my marriage for sometime, and wondering whether we should separate. And then he happened. One night last spring, my husband and I spent the evening with some friends. I ended up talking to one man for most of the evening. He too is married. I am not sure how or why it happened, but that night I developed a crush on him. At first, I figured this crush was a response to my unhappy marriage. I began researching why married people have crushes, so I could understand it better. I can honestly say that during this time period, I never intended to act on my feelings.

 

While in the midst of my crush, MM began socializing with our circle of friends more and more. We would always end up talking, etc. It amazed me how well we got along, how much we had in common, etc. He was often out alone, as his wife works many evenings, and simply was not around. My crush went on for about 10 months. Although I sensed that MM may have similar feelings for me, I could never tell for sure. We both were extremely careful in terms of what we said to each and how we said it. And then, in March, he and I ended up alone at a social gathering. He grabbed my hand, and then the floodgates opened. I disclosed my crush, and he told me of his similar feelings. Nothing more happened that night, but since then we have fallen in love.

 

About six weeks go, we said our "I love yous." He told me flat out that he would not have an affair with me. (We do not have secret trysts. We rarely text, and do not email. We have not slept together, or done much more physically than kiss. We only see each other when we are with our group of friends, which is nearly every weekend.) Instead, he said he wanted us to each leave our spouses, and be together. He wants to take care of me, and my children. We set a deadline which is fast approaching. We have since discussed the various consequences that were are going to face by moving forward with our relationship, and that a very difficult path lies ahead. Nonetheless, we both are willing to move forward.

 

Here is the catch: MM has asked me to leave my husband first. He tells me that as soon as I do, he will leave his wife. To quote him: "When you leave H, I will leave W." MM has done nothing at this point which leads me to believe that he doesn't mean what he says. The truth is that I will end up leaving my marriage, regardless of MM. However, I really do love this man, and so want him to be on the other side when I get through. I guess I need an objective viewpoint. Thanks in advance for your input.

[anika99]

Your husband uses you as a punching bag? If that's true then I really think you should be focusing on getting your children and yourself safely away from your husband instead of worrying what the MM is doing or not doing. How do you think your children feel seeing their mother being punched by their father. You need to care more about them than you do about the MM. Call a shelter today.

[SoleMate]

Nobody knows for certain what the future holds. However, we do see common patterns. Based on that:

 

* You are infatuated with the MOM

* In the current state of your marriage, almost any man could look good to you

* The EA with MOM feels great and seems to relieve a lot of the pain and loneliness you have been enduring in your M

* The chance of him leaving his wife - given the facts as you state them - are about 0.3% (generously). After all, if he really wanted to leave, he'd do it regardless of what you do

 

I think you're in a position where you know what you have to do (*)....it's just hard as heck so you're shying away, as do many of us.

 

(*) Go NC with the MOM so you lose the distraction, and give yourself six months to either achieve real improvements in your M or file for divorce.

[formetoknow1971]

I should clarify that my husband does not physically abuse me. I used the terms "punching bag" figuratively.

[bentleychic]

Leave for you. Do not count on MM leaving, but definitely leave for you and the kids. If he leaves, great. If not...you still got out of what sounds like a horrid marriage.

[whichwayisup]

You should leave your husband regardless of what MM does or doesn't do. You don't "leave" your marriage for someone else.

 

For him to tell you to leave first, then he'll leave his wife? NEVER gonna happen.

 

Instead, he said he wanted us to each leave our spouses, and be together. He wants to take care of me, and my children.

 

Does he have children of his own too?

 

What a fantasy he has there. And I'm sure your kids will just adore him and accept him as step daddy, as well as ALL your mutual friends that you two socialize with. And your H will be supportive too. (being silly here, just showing you how ridiculous this fantasy of his is)

[goodyblue]

I'd leave the marriage no matter what else happens. There is no reason to live in that kind of misery. I think it's great that he is a good father. He can be a good father if you don't live together as well. YOU deserve happiness in your life.

 

I'm not going to tell you to give your marriage time. I'd leave. If you work together after the split and decide to work on things and make a better marriage, that is wonderful, but don't stay in this situation. You're teaching your children what love looks like. Do you want it to look like this to them? No way.

 

Get out while you can.

 

Good luck!

[Goodbye]

I think you should leave your marriage because you spent 2 paragraphs detailing how sh*tty it is, not because some MM tells you to do so. Did you first tell us how awful your H is to justify your A? I seems so...not that your marriage doesn't sound dreadful.

 

 

So...get out of your marriage. Stabilize your life for the kids. After those 2 things, date single men.

 

 

Just my opinion.

[MissBee]

If you're going to leave your husband regardless of MM...focus on that. Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that he will be "on the other side" so part of smart planning is preparing to leave with the knowledge that he could very well not be.

 

If you find that you're only going to leave if he's on the other side...think about if you really want to do it.

 

If you're leaving regardless, then leave. I find his suggestion strange, to say the least, but that doesn't really affect what you do right, since what you're doing is not for him but for yourself. All you can do is focus on your plans for yourself and your kids and leave MM out of the picture. If after things settle down he follows through on his promise then great, but I'd advise you to make your plans without factoring that in, as there is simply no way for you to guarantee it and it shouldn't be about him anyway. Also..I'd ask him why he wants you to leave first.

[KaliLove]

I should clarify that my husband does not physically abuse me. I used the terms "punching bag" figuratively.

 

Regardless of whether it's physical or emotional, abuse is abuse. Forget about whether or not the MM is going to leave his marriage or not (I'm guessing not, to be perfectly honest) and get out for your kids and yourself. It's really unhealthy for your children to see your husband being cruel to you, and obviously it's not good for you either.

 

What is stopping you from getting out of your miserable marriage?

[formetoknow1971]

Regardless of whether it's physical or emotional, abuse is abuse. Forget about whether or not the MM is going to leave his marriage or not (I'm guessing not, to be perfectly honest) and get out for your kids and yourself. It's really unhealthy for your children to see your husband being cruel to you, and obviously it's not good for you either.

 

What is stopping you from getting out of your miserable marriage?

 

I completely agree that it is not healthy for my children to see my husband treat me the way he does. I could tolerate some of his other antics, if he were a kinder person. In any event, I guess I am scared to leave, not because of him, but of how the change will affect me and my children. However, I have started making a lot of my own decisions, and doing things independently in a way i haven't in many years. I have found that I really enjoy being on my own, and making my own decisions. What I am attempting to do now is to make a transition plan by figuring out short-term and long-term living arrangements, etc. With regard to the other man, I recognize that I need to leave regardless of what he does.

[formetoknow1971]

He has said that he doesn't want to be alone. I think he is afraid that if I don't leave my husband before he leaves his wife, he will be out in the cold. Look, I am not stupid, and I have asked him all of the pointed questions. The truth is he doesn't hate his wife. He just wants a fresh start, as do I, and really believes he would be happier with me (he and I are very compatible, share similar likes/dislikes, which he and his wife are/do not). I also happen to know that his wife senses what is going on with him and I, even if she doesn't actually know. He is distant, always going to social gatherings (where I am at), etc. In any case, I don't necessarily think it is unusual for a man to fear being alone. I should also point out that a mutual friend of ours knows of our relationship, and talked to us both at the same time about it. Our mutual friend was actually very supportive of it, saying he thought we would be a great couple, and that we both deserve fresh starts. Up until then, MM thought it was only he and I that knew of our relationship. He was not bothered that mutual friend knew about us (I had consulted him previously, as he is a close friend of mine and of MM), and in fact proudly shook his hand when our friend said congrats to us (to which I said for what?)

[bentleychic]

I completely agree that it is not healthy for my children to see my husband treat me the way he does. I could tolerate some of his other antics, if he were a kinder person. In any event, I guess I am scared to leave, not because of him, but of how the change will affect me and my children. However, I have started making a lot of my own decisions, and doing things independently in a way i haven't in many years. I have found that I really enjoy being on my own, and making my own decisions. What I am attempting to do now is to make a transition plan by figuring out short-term and long-term living arrangements, etc. With regard to the other man, I recognize that I need to leave regardless of what he does.

 

Leaving my abusive ex was the best thing I ever did, for both myself AND my children. However, you've said your H is a good and adoring dad. Even though yours is, don't miscount that your kids see how he treats you and that WILL affect them as well. Mine was not. Good luck in your decision.

[GoBlue]

Have you considered disclosing the EA to your husband and letting him know the depth of where you are at emotionally? This man will never be able to "take care of your children" like their own father will (taken from your own words). When you feel neglected and unappreciated, an attraction can easily become a crush. I applaud the fact that you have not done the physical affair at this point, but it sounds like that is his decision not your own. The question I always wrestle with when people talk about leaving their current spouse to be with "the other man/woman" is How can you ever have a real relationship of trust with someone who was willing to break trust?

 

You have a family that has been melded together over a period of 19 years, three children, the normal ups-and-downs of life, and a husband who is less than attentive. Why not be painfully honest with your husband and see how he responds? I can tell you from personal experience, there is nothing about this that will be easy on your children.

[beach]

Marital issues are never resolved by being interested in someone else outside the marriage.

 

If you intend to divorce - do that.

 

But do it knowing your crush will likely never leave his marriage.

 

 

He may be offering you the position of being his other woman (make no mistake about that) - expectations are what disappoint people, so expect nothing from him - he may never leave.

 

Even though you haven't had sex - this is an active affair given that your emotions are very invested in him.

 

 

My exH was also very abusive with unkind words - but I can guarantee that it happened because I allowed it. When I realized I wasn't going to allow it anymore - and he was unwilling to change a thing - that's when I knew I had to end the M as I had no other choice but to save myself from his hurtful words/actions.

 

Decide - then take the steps that support your decision. You may stay if he can improve. You may leave if he's unwilling to improve.

 

The temptation of this OMM is just that - an elusive temptation.

 

Best to do what you can to live with a clear conscience. That's the easiest way to sleep at night.

[beach]

It's a bummer that he's lined you up because he doesn't like the thought of being alone. He's got his backup plan.

 

That, to me, indicates a very unhealthy man. He could turn out to be needy, clingy and needs his ego strokes.

[whichwayisup]

He has said that he doesn't want to be alone. I think he is afraid that if I don't leave my husband before he leaves his wife, he will be out in the cold.

 

Does this sound healthy to you?

The truth is he doesn't hate his wife. He just wants a fresh start

 

So why does he want a fresh start? What's wrong with him that he doesn't want to stay married but seems to just stay with his wife because he's afraid of being on his own? OR, he's lying to you about everything. He just is happy at home and having an A with you, and he's never leaving.

 

He's invested in his wife, they have a history. One cannot just up and move out one day and then the next day start a new life with someone else! It's so unrealistic to even consider that.

 

Okay about your H, I agree you should come clean about everything and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe your H will wake up, get help, treat you better and be a better husband. Your whole family could reconnect and be happy. Or it'll make the divorce happen, you two will have shared custody of the kids and survive with family counseling and work together to be good co parents to your kids.

 

Don't let 'fear' of being on your own get in the way. You won't be alone. You have your kids, other family members and friends too. A good support system in place already.