Her [pre-] divorce affair vs my post split ONS and divorce R

[DKT3]

As many of you know, my ex and I are finally putting our life together with one another. Its been a long journey. We have been doing great, communication is better then ever and I feel closer to her then ever before.

 

For the most part, I'm over her affair, I do trigger a bit around my calls to her going unanwsered. This is a little unreasonable because she does run her own business. But hey I'm only human and I can't control how I feel, only how I react to those feelings.

 

However, she is having a really hard time dealing with the things I did after I deemed our relationship over and filed for divorce. With the week I had become sexually active with other women. Its really had nothing to do with her, it was about me and how I felt. I think mentally she gets it, but emotionally she feels betrayed.

 

Now this was all triggered again on the 4th when I got a well wishing text from the young lady I had a relationship with. She moved to Chicago and has no idea that the ex and I are together again because we don't communicate. Its not a NC situation, we ended the relationship and the communication simply tapered off. In maintaining with the open lines I show this email to Lovin, and she went bat sh*t crazy. I chalked it up to being pregnant and moved on. Well she just can't let it go, she wants details, times and places.

 

The truth is, its none of her business. This relationship started 1 year after we were divorced and I hadn't spoken to her in three or four months before we got back together. I'm trying to reassure her that its over, and it has been well before we we're US again.

 

I get that THIS woman makes her feel "UNSAFE" in the relationship. But I don't know what I can do to fix it or help her through it. MC thinks I need to just tell her everything. I'm mean I just don't see how that would help anything. Her IC tells her she has to let it go or risk pushing me away. That isn't going to happen, I'm in 100%.

 

I know this is awkward because she posts here as well, but advise or suggestions would be great. Maybe in there she may find something that helps.

 

Thanks

[Snowflower]

Can you clarify whether this woman you had a relationship with (the one who contacted you on the 4th) was the same one you had a relationship one week post-divorce filing?

 

You said ONS in your title but I'm confused as to whether this was one and the same woman or multiple women.

[PegNosePete]

Its not a NC situation, we ended the relationship and the communication simply tapered off.

Well, it's more than reasonable for your wife to insist that you don't have any more contact with this woman. Of course you can't control when she texts YOU but you did the right thing by showing it to your wife, and hopefully you didn't respond to the other woman.

 

Her IC tells her she has to let it go or risk pushing me away. That isn't going to happen, I'm in 100%.

Well, yes. If she carries on with this then the advice for you would be to walk. She has got some nerve, expecting you to forgive an affair but not accepting your post-split antics. If I were you I would be quoting all sorts of pot and kettle phrases. If she can't accept your actions then you have to move on.

[Owl]

The truth is, its none of her business. This relationship started 1 year after we were divorced and I hadn't spoken to her in three or four months before we got back together. I'm trying to reassure her that its over, and it has been well before we we're US again.

 

I get that THIS woman makes her feel "UNSAFE" in the relationship. But I don't know what I can do to fix it or help her through it. MC thinks I need to just tell her everything. I'm mean I just don't see how that would help anything. Her IC tells her she has to let it go or risk pushing me away. That isn't going to happen, I'm in 100%.

 

I know this is awkward because she posts here as well, but advise or suggestions would be great. Maybe in there she may find something that helps.

 

Thanks

 

I respectfully disagree.

 

You want her to feel safe? You want a relationship with her?

 

Then it IS her business. If you want her to trust you...you tell her the truth. IF you want a relationship...then this is part of the steps to having one. She feels betrayed by your actions...whether or not you agree with her viewpoint. If you want trust...then you KNOW what to do.

 

It's that simple.

[Chi townD]

Well she just can't let it go, she wants details, times and places.

 

 

 

 

 

Your former Ex is experiencing something called mind movies. She knows that things went down with you and this other woman and she doesn't know exactly what that was. So, because she doesn't have the whole story, her mind plays tricks on her. Her mind doesn't have the whole story and is missing data. So, the mind fills those missing pieces of information with movies on what she thinks happened. And sometimes mind movies are worse than what truly happened. So, it's driving her crazy.

 

 

So, she needs to know time, dates and events to fill those missing pieces of data rather than her mind filling those spots with it's own "idea" of what happened.

 

 

Make sense?

[DKT3]

Can you clarify whether this woman you had a relationship with (the one who contacted you on the 4th) was the same one you had a relationship one week post-divorce filing?

 

You said ONS in your title but I'm confused as to whether this was one and the same woman or multiple women.

 

ONS with different women, then a short but intense relationship with the woman who sent the email. Future plans marriage & kids. Mostly from her end. I couldn't commit to that so I ended the relationship.

[Snowflower]

ONS with different women, then a short but intense relationship with the woman who sent the email. Future plans marriage & kids. Mostly from her end. I couldn't commit to that so I ended the relationship.

 

Thanks for answering. I think this could actually help you and lovin if you go about this right. She now has an understanding of how horrible it feels to be betrayed/cheated on by a spouse.

 

IME, one of the harder things about reconciling is that the WS has no idea-truly how awful it feels to be cheated on or to imagine your spouse having sex with someone else or be in a relationship with someone without your knowledge.

 

As you describe here, she gets to experience some of that.

 

For you, DKT, you had the experience of having another sexual relationship while still married--so maybe in a way you have experienced some of what she did while in her A.

 

Maybe, eventually, if you both work through it together, you both will develop empathy for another and can understand how and why these types of things can happen and how it feels. In turn, this might bring the two of you closer and oddly, help you both re-establish the exclusivity of your own relationship together. Does that make sense?

[dichotomy]

1) She can't blame you or make you guilty for things you did after you filed for divorce...or actually divorced. In either case the marriage was over (and besides she cheated). That's your single life. Although honestly many folks (myself included) get nervous or insecure about ex GF/BF's especially if they are sniffing around or sending messages. She does not deserve details but some reassurance and trust is good for you to offer (you understand this). So....

 

2) Your best bet is not to beat around the bush (sorry) with old lovers or ex GF's. Best you say something very clear to your old loves/GF's - "hey great to hear from you, glad your life is going well - you deserve the best. I wanted to let you know I forgave my ex, we have worked things out, and I am now in love and committed to her again. You were a great woman, but I must out of love and respect for my ( wife) wishes - must ask you not contact me again. I hope you understand and honor this, you were a important part of my past life. Take care"

[DKT3]

I respectfully disagree.

 

You want her to feel safe? You want a relationship with her?

 

Then it IS her business. If you want her to trust you...you tell her the truth. IF you want a relationship...then this is part of the steps to having one. She feels betrayed by your actions...whether or not you agree with her viewpoint. If you want trust...then you KNOW what to do.

 

It's that simple.

 

We were divorced a year when I started this relationship, so I don't feel its her business. I never asked for any information on her life during this time apart. She did share but I never asked for it. In a sense I guess one could say its only fair. The truth is I feel she knows all she needs to know. I owed her nothing at that point.

 

The ONS did happen while we were married, but she had been served with divorce papers and we were no long "together", I had moved out. According to the defination it was cheating because we were still legally married. Those ONS I have been more open about.

[DKT3]

Your former Ex is experiencing something called mind movies. She knows that things went down with you and this other woman and she doesn't know exactly what that was. So, because she doesn't have the whole story, her mind plays tricks on her. Her mind doesn't have the whole story and is missing data. So, the mind fills those missing pieces of information with movies on what she thinks happened. And sometimes mind movies are worse than what truly happened. So, it's driving her crazy.

 

 

So, she needs to know time, dates and events to fill those missing pieces of data rather than her mind filling those spots with it's own "idea" of what happened.

 

 

Make sense?

 

I understand the mind movies, believe me. The things I thought were horrible. I have come to terms with that. I don't need the details. I have an overview, that's more then enough for me. I guess in a sense I think it should be enough for her as well. Maybe that's where I'm wrong.

[dichotomy]

We were divorced a year when I started this relationship, so I don't feel its her business. I never asked for any information on her life during this time apart. She did share but I never asked for it. In a sense I guess one could say its only fair. The truth is I feel she knows all she needs to know. I owed her nothing at that point.

 

The ONS did happen while we were married, but she had been served with divorce papers and we were no long "together", I had moved out. According to the defination it was cheating because we were still legally married. Those ONS I have been more open about.

 

 

I think you are more then generous here with the definition of cheating and sharing this with your once again wife- in fact I would say you did not morally cheat (maybe legally since proceedings were not final). But papers served and you had moved out - and then had ONS. That's not adultery in my book.

Edited July 9, 2014 by dichotomy

[Owl]

We were divorced a year when I started this relationship, so I don't feel its her business. I never asked for any information on her life during this time apart. She did share but I never asked for it. In a sense I guess one could say its only fair. The truth is I feel she knows all she needs to know. I owed her nothing at that point.

 

The ONS did happen while we were married, but she had been served with divorce papers and we were no long "together", I had moved out. According to the defination it was cheating because we were still legally married. Those ONS I have been more open about.

 

Again...it matters because it matters to her.

 

That simple.

 

I get that YOU don't think it matters...but, if she does, and if you want to rebuild a relationship with her...then it matters.

 

Do you really want to start a new relationship with her based on trust, honest communication, and love? That's what I assumed when the two of you decided to reconcile...but it seems that you're forgetting that's a two way street.

 

If this is such a huge thing...seems to me the right thing to do is to call off your plans to move back in.

[DKT3]

Thanks for answering. I think this could actually help you and lovin if you go about this right. She now has an understanding of how horrible it feels to be betrayed/cheated on by a spouse.

 

IME, one of the harder things about reconciling is that the WS has no idea-truly how awful it feels to be cheated on or to imagine your spouse having sex with someone else or be in a relationship with someone without your knowledge.

 

As you describe here, she gets to experience some of that.

 

For you, DKT, you had the experience of having another sexual relationship while still married--so maybe in a way you have experienced some of what she did while in her A.

 

Maybe, eventually, if you both work through it together, you both will develop empathy for another and can understand how and why these types of things can happen and how it feels. In turn, this might bring the two of you closer and oddly, help you both re-establish the exclusivity of your own relationship together. Does that make sense?

 

Its done, did it in front of Lovin. I called her and asked for NC, she understood thanked me for being honest and that was that. If you recall this is a women that Lovin didn't like from the very first meeting and made it known, (work girl) for those that followed our story. Lovin felt that she was after me from the start, with hindsight I can now agree. However I thought I was in a happy marriage and never thought about her in that way. After my divorce she was there for me and friends slowly became lovers. Work girl had an agenda, I see it now. But she was/is a lovely woman and never over reached our friendship. It was me how made the first move. Lovin knows all this, but for some reason she needs more.

[beach]

Since it's hurting her - why not share the details?

 

You can think she doesn't need them all you want - but that doesn't take into consideration what she actually does need, your truth.

 

And are you agreeable to blocking your old GF's lines of communicating? I don't think you need to explain anything to her before blocking her - but any random text or email is always bound to trigger your W (exW). Why not eliminate that possible source of pain?

 

Keeping info from Loving at the point is likely to cause distance - can you present your truth in a gentle manner? She certainly knows it's over with the old GF - and that you ended it - but she needs more from you to feel safe... Can you give her that?

[DKT3]

Well, it's more than reasonable for your wife to insist that you don't have any more contact with this woman. Of course you can't control when she texts YOU but you did the right thing by showing it to your wife, and hopefully you didn't respond to the other woman.

 

 

Well, yes. If she carries on with this then the advice for you would be to walk. She has got some nerve, expecting you to forgive an affair but not accepting your post-split antics. If I were you I would be quoting all sorts of pot and kettle phrases. If she can't accept your actions then you have to move on.

 

It would serve no purpose. I don't fault her for feeling what she feels. She is only human, and truly a great woman. I'm trying to move on past her A. Draging it out wouldn't help with that, and would only hurt her and make things worse.

[Clay]

It sounds like a horrible mess. Sorry to hear it ruined your forth. It does not really seem right at all that she feels you betrayed her after her level of betrayal but She is probably more scared than anything at this point to loose you. Your really just seeing that and what she is saying is not really what she is feeling.

 

You both have worked very hard to make it back together. I would just try to reensure her that you are both together now.

 

I hope things get better.

 

Clay

[carhill]

I get that THIS woman makes her feel "UNSAFE" in the relationship. But I don't know what I can do to fix it or help her through it. MC thinks I need to just tell her everything. I'm mean I just don't see how that would help anything. Her IC tells her she has to let it go or risk pushing me away. That isn't going to happen, I'm in 100%.

 

I'd remain focused on working this and see it as the five-year plan with a goal of life plan. It won't get fixed overnight. There will be lots of bumps in the road. If you and she are committed, you'll work through it. Couples who R have my respect and support. It's not easy. Good luck.

[violet1]

Your former Ex is experiencing something called mind movies. She knows that things went down with you and this other woman and she doesn't know exactly what that was. So, because she doesn't have the whole story, her mind plays tricks on her. Her mind doesn't have the whole story and is missing data. So, the mind fills those missing pieces of information with movies on what she thinks happened. And sometimes mind movies are worse than what truly happened. So, it's driving her crazy.

 

 

So, she needs to know time, dates and events to fill those missing pieces of data rather than her mind filling those spots with it's own "idea" of what happened.

 

 

Make sense?

I disagree, he was in this relationship after his divorce. He doesn't owe Lovin time or dates. I think the problem is that there is too much focus on the past. IMHO, DK and Lovin need to treat their CURRENT Relationship like it's a new one. She can't change her affair and you can't change that you immediately saw other women when the divorce was being processed.

 

DK, I don't think there is a whole lot you can do for Lovin. She's going to have to find a way to get over your past relationship with your ex and sooth her insecurities. She needs to focus on the fact that you are here NOW. You choose HER not the ex. I do however, think you might want to respond to the ex gf and let her know that you and Lovin are back together. I know that's what I'd want my H to do if we were in your situation. I really do wish you two the best. Keep working on it and continue to show Lovin that she's your number 1 gal. A lot of us are rooting for you two.

[drifter777]

I completely agree that your sexual activities after you were divorced should have no bearing to your new relationship with your ex-wife. The thing that changes this is that this woman texted you now. Anytime during a marriage that the husband - or wife - is contacted by an ex it is threatening to their spouse. Not for all spouses, but I would say most would be concerned and want to know why now and how things were left when that relationship ended. If it were me, I'd ask how my wife how many times has he contacted you and just what do you think he's looking for from you now. But after reassuring her and helping her understand the context I'd be pissed if she continued to be upset with me about it.

 

Look, you decided to try to reconcile with your WW. Did you really think everything was going to be all wonderful and you wouldn't have marital issues of any kind pop up again? Life is hard, and life reconciling with a WW is harder. You signed up for a really hard road and you should really toughen up for things like this.

[Ukbear]

Hi DK , hope all is going well for you both and this is just a minor bump on the road to finding your way back to each other totally .

Ah man I think everyone of a sane mind would agree with what YOU said about this situation, and being the man that most of us have come to respect and admire over recent times it came as no surprise that you have done what helps others best , rather than you own self interests .

Hopefully this can be put down to hormones and hopefully Lovin will see that shes out of line with this approach , especially with all that's gone before .

Bottom line here is Trust , and that Trust has to be a two way thing .

Anyway big Respect to you DK , love and peace to your clan ,

[oldshirt]

We were divorced a year when I started this relationship, so I don't feel its her business.

 

 

.

 

I'm not familiar with your back story but what I'm getting here is she cheated, you filed, had some flings, divorced, had an actual R with someone, split up then you got back with your ex wife and reconciled. Is that at least close???

 

If you were in fact divorced, then I agree she has no claim to detailed information.

 

When she signed the divorce papers she forfeited any claims or any right to knowledge of your personal business or what went on in your bed.

 

Upon divorce, that was no longer the marital bed you were having sex with other women in. It was yours exclusively.

 

She knows you were dating someone while you were divorced. That's good enough info for her. She knows what people that are dating do. She doesn't need and has no entitlement to any specifics.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you two are working together.

 

She can't do much with how she feels, but how she reacts to it.

 

You did tell the other lady that you were not available and your wife should realize that you are choosing her with your roller coaster history past. (not the present)

 

I think you should point out your actions to your wife and let her see that your actions should show her that you have chosen her again. That is a wonderful gift to each other.

 

Hope there is more joy there for you both than the ups and downs.

[DKT3]

I disagree, he was in this relationship after his divorce. He doesn't owe Lovin time or dates. I think the problem is that there is too much focus on the past. IMHO, DK and Lovin need to treat their CURRENT Relationship like it's a new one. She can't change her affair and you can't change that you immediately saw other women when the divorce was being processed.

 

DK, I don't think there is a whole lot you can do for Lovin. She's going to have to find a way to get over your past relationship with your ex and sooth her insecurities. She needs to focus on the fact that you are here NOW. You choose HER not the ex. I do however, think you might want to respond to the ex gf and let her know that you and Lovin are back together. I know that's what I'd want my H to do if we were in your situation. I really do wish you two the best. Keep working on it and continue to show Lovin that she's your number 1 gal. A lot of us are rooting for you two.

 

I did contact her and explained that we are together again. We haven't been involved in some time maybe 18 months. We had kept in touch on a pretty regular bases until about Dec, I hadn't heard from or contacted her in many months. I think on some levels she thought there would be an us, so she deserved an explaination.

[Owl]

So...DKT...what's your plan for working through this without telling Lovin what she wants to hear?

 

How do you plan on reassuring her, establishing open and honest communication with her...set an expectation of trust with her...while still telling her that this is none of her business?

 

I just don't get it.

 

How do you expect her to be open and honest with you going forward, if you insist that there are things she "doesn't need to know" about you?

 

It doesn't matter if you were married/divorced/whatever when it happened. It doesn't matter whether or not you think she has a claim to that information or not.

 

She feels she needs it in order to know that she can be comfortable in a relationship going forward with you.

 

What's wrong with that?

 

Do you think that she'll not want to reconcile with you going forward if she knew the full truth?

[Spectre]

So...DKT...what's your plan for working through this without telling Lovin what she wants to hear?

 

It should be simple, he says to her: you had an affair behind my back for nearly 2 years. What I did after we divorced is none of your business. I am taking a huge risk with my heart in even thinking about taking you back, so if this is truly going to get in the way then you simply aren't worth it.

 

That is it, he doesn't owe her any explanations or details. Especially when he had to fight tooth and nail with her to get her to give him any details about her affair..something which WAS his business. So for her to make a big deal about stuff that is in no way, shape or form, her business that says a lot.

 

How do you plan on reassuring her, establishing open and honest communication with her...set an expectation of trust with her...while still telling her that this is none of her business?

 

I'm curious what you feel he has to reassure her about? He did these things when they weren't together. Nobody expects her to like it, but since it was her actions that put the relationship in the state it is now? I don't think she should be pushing this.

 

Also, he IS being open with her. He isn't lying: he told her flat out it isn't her business. It is not his fault she didn't like the answers.

 

It doesn't matter if you were married/divorced/whatever when it happened. It doesn't matter whether or not you think she has a claim to that information or not.

 

No, sorry, it totally matters. They weren't together, it is none of her business. If she can't deal with that then her heart isn't in this reconciliation. If she continues to push this it is going to cause huge problems, especially when she had no right to even ask in the first place.

 

She feels she needs it in order to know that she can be comfortable in a relationship going forward with you.

 

What's wrong with that?

 

What is wrong here is the notion she feels entitled to this info, she isn't. What is wrong here are people acting like what DK wants doesn't matter because hey the information is important to HER right? Nope, it is his business. He can certainly share it if he wants. He is under no obligation to do so, nor does his failure to do so indicate his heart is not into reconciling.

 

Do you think that she'll not want to reconcile with you going forward if she knew the full truth?

 

I can't speak for DK, but for me it would be the principle of the thing. She has no right to ask these things. You don't get to pull a betrayal this massive and then demand details of things that happened after he rightfully divorced her and tried to move on. She can certainly ask, but she is by no means owed anything. He didn't cheat on her, and I think at the end of the day it still goes back to the principle of the thing: if she is going to make such a fuss over something she isn't owed anyways then what does that say?

 

You tried to imply it means DK doesn't want to reconcile because he won't give her details she has no business asking for in the first place? Again, no..it's the other way around. SHE is not into reconciling if she makes a big deal. He already told the woman to never contact him again and he did it right in front of her. That should be enough, there is a big problem if it is not.

 

So DK, I would urge you to stand your ground and not give her any info. You did nothing wrong and do not let a single person tell you otherwise or that it doesn't matter if this happened when you weren't together, because it absolutely does. If you give in and tell her then that is just going to set the tone for the future of your relationship and the tone won't be good. You did nothing wrong..nor have you done anything to indicate you would cheat on her or anything of the sort. You even called the woman right in front of her and told her you guys were going NC. I'd really be rethinking a lot of things if that is not enough for her.

Edited July 9, 2014 by Spectre