Her [pre-] divorce affair vs my post split ONS and divorce R

[txgrl]

Not only am I female, I'm an xww . I wasn't trying to be insensitive . I was supporting DKT throughout the thread , and when Lovin chimed in, I thought I understood where she's coming from . I was just trying to be supportive to both of them . Lovin herself admits that the way she feels may not be legit but it's real .

 

I wasn't trying to be insensitive or disrespectful of the BS feelings at all . I apologize if it came off like that .

[Buckeye2]

I understand that this is how women see things, but it is not usually a significant component to a BH. The betrayal of sexual fidelity is usually the most crushing element of the WW's cheating. The images in his mind are not of your deep emotional connection - its the deep sexual penetration that tortures him. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with this point of view - maybe you can't because you are female.

 

The words our shattered mind hears are "come on, it was just sex. It wasn't THAT big of a thing because I didn't love him".

 

Women tend to think that an EA is worse and men tend to think that a PA is worse.

 

There is a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes. Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t.

 

A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive. A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child.

 

This is why it can be comforting for a woman to be told by her husband that he didn’t care for the OW, it was only sex. The wife’s security isn’t jeopardized. A husband isn’t comforted by being told the same thing.

[beach]

Ok - so she really just wants to know it's over.

 

And it "appears" to still be hanging out there because this other gal can send a text at anytime...

 

So DK - can you take the action that provides evidence that it's over? Are you willing to cut off ALL means of communicating with this gal?

 

All it would take is a very pointed text to the other gal - and then completely blocking any way she could reach you.

 

You willing to do that?

[dichotomy]

I wonder how many of us (or rather perhaps the general population) had a loving GF or BF that perhaps we discussed or thought about marriage with? and that perhaps as we are about to marry someone else - or have marry - that we still have a fond memory of that old GF/BF? I mean I don't ever sense DTK3 is still in love with his old GF, just that she was special and nice and good to be with after the adultery and divorce from his wife. Sounds healthy and right to me.

 

What would be the point for or any man to discuss how much he loved his last GF and discussed marriage, and the sex was amazing... to the current wife (or wife to be?). Don't most of us kind of keep a lid on old loves with our current love (to an extent). Also I think because he was single - and in mutual love with his GF - he owes his old GF a certain amount of respect and discretion. That GF was honest and kind with him...so he his going to tell his wife every detail of this woman's personal being?

 

DTK3 - you owe only the basics about your GF while you were single, not a bunch of details....but you do owe your reboot wife security and trust now - which you are doing.. this GF came asking around and you were open and honest and shut her down.

[drifter777]

Not only am I female, I'm an xww . I wasn't trying to be insensitive . I was supporting DKT throughout the thread , and when Lovin chimed in, I thought I understood where she's coming from . I was just trying to be supportive to both of them . Lovin herself admits that the way she feels may not be legit but it's real .

 

I wasn't trying to be insensitive or disrespectful of the BS feelings at all . I apologize if it came off like that .

I didn't mean anything critical to you regarding your post and if it came across that way then I'm sorry. I only wanted you to understand a BH's point of view and just how inconsequential this emotional connection crap can be to most of us. With men it's nearly always about the sex. Your supporting lovin' because you understand and can empathize with her is great because that's what we all come here for. As a WW I hope you understand that I and other BH's are devastated by the sex more than anything other component of the cheating. And before anyone roasts me on it, the emotional connection WW makes with OM is painful, frightening, and just as damaging to trust. Ask any BH who's WW was involve in an EA that never got physical.

[beach]

I didn't mean anything critical to you regarding your post and if it came across that way then I'm sorry. I only wanted you to understand a BH's point of view and just how inconsequential this emotional connection crap can be to most of us. With men it's nearly always about the sex. Your supporting lovin' because you understand and can empathize with her is great because that's what we all come here for. As a WW I hope you understand that I and other BH's are devastated by the sex more than anything other component of the cheating. And before anyone roasts me on it, the emotional connection WW makes with OM is painful, frightening, and just as damaging to trust. Ask any BH who's WW was involve in an EA that never got physical.

 

We cannot assume for this particular couple - that the emotional side or physical side of what has happened weighs heavier one one side than the other.

 

It appears that ending it with finality is Lovin's goal.

 

 

 

So the question really is: will DK put a stop to any and all communication with this particular gal?

[drifter777]

We cannot assume for this particular couple - that the emotional side or physical side of what has happened weighs heavier one one side than the other.

 

It appears that ending it with finality is Lovin's goal.

 

 

 

So the question really is: will DK put a stop to any and all communication with this particular gal?

Maybe you can't but I can. The evidence - clinical and anecdotal - overwhelming supports what my position. The sexual component of a spouse's affair is much more important to men then it is to women.

[beach]

Maybe you can't but I can. The evidence - clinical and anecdotal - overwhelming supports what my position. The sexual component of a spouse's affair is much more important to men then it is to women.

 

That's a broad brush stroke.

 

Start your own thread if it's that important to you - that you keep taking this thread off topic.

[drifter777]

That's a broad brush stroke.

 

Start your own thread if it's that important to you - that you keep taking this thread off topic.

Thanks, but I don't need your approval for anything.

 

OP: your wife is telling you she is insecure because your relationship with this woman had a strong, emotional component. This is probably more threatening to her than the sex so I think what she wants from you is reassurance that the relationship is over and done with rather than details about your past relationship with her.

[DKT3]

I didn't mean anything critical to you regarding your post and if it came across that way then I'm sorry. I only wanted you to understand a BH's point of view and just how inconsequential this emotional connection crap can be to most of us. With men it's nearly always about the sex. Your supporting lovin' because you understand and can empathize with her is great because that's what we all come here for. As a WW I hope you understand that I and other BH's are devastated by the sex more than anything other component of the cheating. And before anyone roasts me on it, the emotional connection WW makes with OM is painful, frightening, and just as damaging to trust. Ask any BH who's WW was involve in an EA that never got physical.

 

For me as a BH is was about the connection. Maybe it was because Lovin's A wasn't sexually charged and they only had "intercourse" a few times over the long span of the affair. For me it was the fact that she was comforable enough to share with him things she wouldn't with me.

[joanofark]

that figures.....

[DKT3]

that figures.....

 

I know how it sounds, but this is in no way revenge and I'm not trying to hold anything over her head. The things she shared with him had more to do with her not trusting me enough to no judge her for them. More of a trust issue.

[harrybrown]

You actions should speak volumes to her.

 

You have chosen her again.

 

Keep up the good work.

[Oberfeldwebel]

First let me say that I commend both of you for sharing your relationship and allowing other to learn from the experience. I have just a couple of comment, that are merely food for thought.

 

DKT3: Technically you are absolutely correct that the relationship happened post divorce, so you don't have to share. However, sometimes you have to decide if you want to be technically correct or damage the relationship. I think men are more prone by nature to be this way and I am horribly guilty of this myself.

 

Lovin: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to in life. You want a guarantee and there is no such thing. At some point in your relationship it becomes a matter of faith in the other person. This is a relationship that has had its steel tempered by fire already.

[DKT3]

We cannot assume for this particular couple - that the emotional side or physical side of what has happened weighs heavier one one side than the other.

 

It appears that ending it with finality is Lovin's goal.

 

 

 

So the question really is: will DK put a stop to any and all communication with this particular gal?

 

I did, spoke to her on the phone with Lovin listening in. She said she understood, and that she was just being friendly

[beach]

I did, spoke to her on the phone with Lovin listening in. She said she understood, and that she was just being friendly

 

That's good - did you now block all avenues of her contacting you further?

[lovinDKT3]

Lovin: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to in life. You want a guarantee and there is no such thing. At some point in your relationship it becomes a matter of faith in the other person. This is a relationship that has had its steel tempered by fire already.

 

Well, last night I asked and he answered. Totally honest with every question. Some I wish I didn't ask, others gave me comfort.

 

He said that was it, he wouldn't talk anymore about the subject.

 

After the talk, I realized what I really wanted was for him to say he loved me more. Maybe that sounds horrible, maybe its something that I should have known because like so many of you pointed out, he is where he wants to be. Sometimes that's hard for me to believe, sometimes I feel like I'm secondary as to why he wants US to work. Maybe that's true, most of the time I'm ok with feeling that way.

[HermioneG]

Well, last night I asked and he answered. Totally honest with every question. Some I wish I didn't ask, others gave me comfort.

 

He said that was it, he wouldn't talk anymore about the subject.

 

After the talk, I realized what I really wanted was for him to say he loved me more. Maybe that sounds horrible, maybe its something that I should have known because like so many of you pointed out, he is where he wants to be. Sometimes that's hard for me to believe, sometimes I feel like I'm secondary as to why he wants US to work. Maybe that's true, most of the time I'm ok with feeling that way.

 

Gently? You have made such huge progress in your work on yourself. Really impressive.

 

But maybe consider your need to hear things verbally in addition to his actions is an issue of external validation. Happiness is largely an inside job. He has shown you where he wants to be. He has made lots of compromises to make you feel safe, and the betrayal was not on his side. You have a good man. A kind man. A loving man. You are building a life together.

 

The other stuff is noise in your head, and it is distracting you from the business of living your lucky life.

 

So maybe take a deep breath, and spend your energy on today.

 

I'm rooting for you. I think you've got this.

[aliveagain]

Well, last night I asked and he answered. Totally honest with every question. Some I wish I didn't ask, others gave me comfort.

 

He said that was it, he wouldn't talk anymore about the subject.

 

After the talk, I realized what I really wanted was for him to say he loved me more. Maybe that sounds horrible, maybe its something that I should have known because like so many of you pointed out, he is where he wants to be. Sometimes that's hard for me to believe, sometimes I feel like I'm secondary as to why he wants US to work. Maybe that's true, most of the time I'm ok with feeling that way.

 

There are only the two of you, all outside influences are just that, outside. Never, ever allow anyone else to get in the way of the two of you, kill it immediately if it starts. You chose each other again.

[beach]

Well, last night I asked and he answered. Totally honest with every question. Some I wish I didn't ask, others gave me comfort.

 

He said that was it, he wouldn't talk anymore about the subject.

 

After the talk, I realized what I really wanted was for him to say he loved me more. Maybe that sounds horrible, maybe its something that I should have known because like so many of you pointed out, he is where he wants to be. Sometimes that's hard for me to believe, sometimes I feel like I'm secondary as to why he wants US to work. Maybe that's true, most of the time I'm ok with feeling that way.

 

Wait, he gave you the answers you asked for - and now you're moving your goal again?

 

Will you ever be happy/satisfied with what you DO have instead of worrying about what you don't have?

 

I ask with genuine concern.

[lovinDKT3]

Wait, he gave you the answers you asked for - and now you're moving your goal again?

 

Will you ever be happy/satisfied with what you DO have instead of worrying about what you don't have?

 

I ask with genuine concern.

 

No beach I'm not moving my goal, he made the statement "what I had with her was a moment, what we have seems like I had all my life. It was my love for you that pulled me away from her."

 

Now I know that DKT makes it known that he loves me here, he has posted it here many times, but its something he doesn't say in person to me very often since the divorce. When he made that comment it was like ah ha. I am satisfied with this situation now.

[lovinDKT3]

Gently? You have made such huge progress in your work on yourself. Really impressive.

 

But maybe consider your need to hear things verbally in addition to his actions is an issue of external validation. Happiness is largely an inside job. He has shown you where he wants to be. He has made lots of compromises to make you feel safe, and the betrayal was not on his side. You have a good man. A kind man. A loving man. You are building a life together.

 

The other stuff is noise in your head, and it is distracting you from the business of living your lucky life.

 

So maybe take a deep breath, and spend your energy on today.

 

I'm rooting for you. I think you've got this.

 

He makes my life better. When we were divorced I was still happy with my life, if we don't make it work I will be happy again. He isn't my source of happiness, but wow, does he make it better.

[beach]

You originally stated you need him to end it with the other gal.

 

Did he end it with finality? I think I read that he did and allowed you to listen in.

 

 

Now you say you need him to tell you he loves you more than her? Or loves you the most? And you need to hear it more often?

 

Am I hearing you correctly?

[compulsivedancer]

You originally stated you need him to end it with the other gal.

 

Did he end it with finality? I think I read that he did and allowed you to listen in.

 

 

Now you say you need him to tell you he loves you more than her? Or loves you the most? And you need to hear it more often?

 

Am I hearing you correctly?

 

It sounded like she realized that her need to know about this woman had more to do with her insecurity about the relationship than about the woman herself.

[beach]

It sounded like she realized that her need to know about this woman had more to do with her insecurity about the relationship than about the woman herself.

 

Since DK has acted loving - even if he doesn't say it often - it was always about her insecurity.

 

Now he's given her what she begged for - yet she wants something else from him.

 

This is a concept Lovin can improve upon.. Especially if she is willing to address it with a counselor.

 

It really has nothing to do with the other gal.

 

 

It's exhausting trying to make someone happy - only to find out that once the determined goal is obtained - they come up with another need that needs to be met.

 

 

If you want to believe that he loves you - write down his ACTION that he's done. This should give you the evidence you need to support that "feeling".

 

So many men say it - and do NOTHING to support it. Here we have DK SHOWING you with actions yet you need more words.

 

FYI - words from some can be empty. I don't see DK as the "empty words" kind of guy.

 

I'll take action over empty words any day and all day long.