Her [pre-] divorce affair vs my post split ONS and divorce R

[BetrayedH]

My $.02...

 

Listen to Owl and the others that say building a healthy relationship now is about openness and honesty. It's not about what you owe her or what she has a right to know or what is none of her business or what she deserves or what you decide is good for her to hear. Is this just a business relationship? If that's what you want, that's all that you'll get.

 

It sounds to me like you're trying to rebuild a partnership for life. If that's the case, there should be no secrets between you. Keeping secrets and having 'privacy' is what people in unhealthy marriages do. It precludes real intimacy and puts a barrier between you.

 

I really don't think that the state of your relationship at the time is what you should be considering. Of course, at that time, it was none of her business. She cheated; you were divorcing. But your question has to do with your current relationship. And if you want to make this a relationship worth being in, you're going to have to be vulnerable and you're going to have to be in with both feet.

 

Perhaps you're just not there yet. Perhaps this has more to do with you not really being ready for a full-fledged relationship with her. Perhaps you're not ready to be vulnerable and to share everything. Frankly, that's an understandable position as no one can really say when you need to be 'over it.' But that's a different (and perhaps more difficult) question than whether you 'should' share this info in a fully committed relationship. In a fully committed relationship, I don't think you should withhold anything when it's requested. Deciding that it serves no purpose is more akin to a parent-child relationship, not a relationship where two people become one. Maybe the real question is whether you're really ready for that.

[Owl]

My $.02...

 

Listen to Owl and the others that say building a healthy relationship now is about openness and honesty. It's not about what you owe her or what she has a right to know or what is none of her business or what she deserves or what you decide is good for her to hear. Is this just a business relationship? If that's what you want, that's all that you'll get.

 

It sounds to me like you're trying to rebuild a partnership for life. If that's the case, there should be no secrets between you. Keeping secrets and having 'privacy' is what people in unhealthy marriages do. It precludes real intimacy and puts a barrier between you.

 

I really don't think that the state of your relationship at the time is what you should be considering. Of course, at that time, it was none of her business. She cheated; you were divorcing. But your question has to do with your current relationship. And if you want to make this a relationship worth being in, you're going to have to be vulnerable and you're going to have to be in with both feet.

 

Perhaps you're just not there yet. Perhaps this has more to do with you not really being ready for a full-fledged relationship with her. Perhaps you're not ready to be vulnerable and to share everything. Frankly, that's an understandable position as no one can really say when you need to be 'over it.' But that's a different (and perhaps more difficult) question than whether you 'should' share this info in a fully committed relationship. In a fully committed relationship, I don't think you should withhold anything when it's requested. Deciding that it serves no purpose is more akin to a parent-child relationship, not a relationship where two people become one. Maybe the real question is whether you're really ready for that.

 

BH spelled out the point I've been trying to get across very well...I couldn't say it that well myself.

 

And on that note, I've made my point as best I could. It's up to Lovin and DKT to figure out what to do from here, and whether or not their relationship is going to continue or not.

[Snowflower]

Its done, did it in front of Lovin. I called her and asked for NC, she understood thanked me for being honest and that was that. If you recall this is a women that Lovin didn't like from the very first meeting and made it known, (work girl) for those that followed our story. Lovin felt that she was after me from the start, with hindsight I can now agree. However I thought I was in a happy marriage and never thought about her in that way. After my divorce she was there for me and friends slowly became lovers. Work girl had an agenda, I see it now. But she was/is a lovely woman and never over reached our friendship. It was me how made the first move. Lovin knows all this, but for some reason she needs more.

 

re: the bolded.

 

I think this might be where the issue is for Lovin.

 

She saw this woman as a threat to your marriage long ago. Likely long before her affair. And you even agree that she was right.

 

Years ago, I remember there was a woman who wouldn't have minded getting with my husband at all. This was a long time before his affair but I could just sense it. Some of the things she said and how she behaved around him...well, I could just tell. Nothing happened but sometimes, as a woman, you can just tell when someone else is after your mate.

 

So when you did end up getting together with this same girl after you and Lovin were divorced, well, it just compounded that threat for Lovin. Yes, you were divorced, you did nothing wrong DTK, but for Lovin, her fears were confirmed.

 

I think that is why she is so upset now and won't let it go.

 

Does she question you as much about your ONS's that you had shortly after you split? My guess is no.

 

Just food for thought.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Snowflower

[DKT3]

re: the bolded.

 

I think this might be where the issue is for Lovin.

 

She saw this woman as a threat to your marriage long ago. Likely long before her affair. And you even agree that she was right.

 

Years ago, I remember there was a woman who wouldn't have minded getting with my husband at all. This was a long time before his affair but I could just sense it. Some of the things she said and how she behaved around him...well, I could just tell. Nothing happened but sometimes, as a woman, you can just tell when someone else is after your mate.

 

So when you did end up getting together with this same girl after you and Lovin were divorced, well, it just compounded that threat for Lovin. Yes, you were divorced, you did nothing wrong DTK, but for Lovin, her fears were confirmed.

 

I think that is why she is so upset now and won't let it go.

 

Does she question you as much about your ONS's that you had shortly after you split? My guess is no.

 

Just food for thought.

 

No, your right. The ONS happened after I moved out but before the divorce and she doesn't seem to care much about those.

 

I have always understood that it was this woman more then the situation itself that was the issue. They are very similar women, both about 5' 9" dark hair green eyes same build lovin was 36 at the time and this other woman was 25.

 

After the very first meeting she commented that she did like her, talked about how she hung on my every word.

 

Lovin was well into her affair by the time this woman was assigned to me.

 

But yeah, your pretty much right.

[bigman1]

I can see the points being made about lovin viewing this woman as a threat pre divorce but I have a somewhat different take on this. It may be a bit harsh.

 

This issue that she is having is one of the consequences of her affair, just like divorce was. Her insecurity is just that, hers. She needs to fix whatever else was broken in her at the time, I know that she has fixed most everything else and kudos to her for that. Sure, she has addressed some of the stuff that caused her to cheat in the first place, but this is still part of it. The affair was 100% on her and the consequences as well.

 

You did not cheat with this woman. You kept your boundaries firm, as you should have. After her affair, the other woman was fair game. Truthfully, if you had a type that you were attracted to, all women that fit that type were potential partners for you. This woman was available, willing, and fit your type. That happens when you are no longer in a marriage/ending one, that is, you can be open to other partners that you would have been otherwise closed to. You could even have remarried. No explanation needed. If you came close to remarrying, no explanation needed.

 

In sum, had she not had an affair this would not have been an issue because you would have continued being faithful and forsaking all others for her, including this woman. She broke vows and removed that obligation from you. It is none of her business because she forfeited any claim to know when she nuked your marriage.

 

She needs to deal with her lingering internal issues. She has done a lot to improve herself, I read her posts. This is one of those pesky things that was hidden under something and she missed cleaning it up. A consequence of an affair is divorce and your former spouse may date someone you don't like or even felt threatened by. If it happens, as it did here, it is the cheaters issue. You don't owe any explanation, history or anything not to be mean, but because once the marriage was over, no allegiance was owed and no explanation is warranted. All of her insecurities, well, that is the issue that she has to deal with and figure out why. Put another way, she cheated and you tried to move on, she fixed herself, but wants you to be accountable for trying to move on. it does not work that way and cannot work that way. That is not mean, it is just the way life is.

[Buckeye2]

This issue that she is having is one of the consequences of her affair, just like divorce was. Her insecurity is just that, hers. The affair was 100% on her and the consequences as well.

 

You did not cheat with this woman. You kept your boundaries firm, as you should have. After her affair, the other woman was fair game.

 

The above is exactly the problem. Lovin has no basis for complaining. She has no standing. Deep down she knows this and it makes it unbearable for her.

 

In a way she could handle it better if she was the faithful wife and you cheated with the 25 year old. A least then she could be righteously indignant about the whole thing and have the support of friends and family.

 

For example if a drunk driver killed your kid you would be able to handle it better because you did nothing wrong and have a villain to blame. Imagine how much harder it would be if you were the drunk driver and hit a tree, killing your kid.

 

Realize that Lovin’s behavior is purely emotional with no basis in fact. Being pregant doesn't help and she may think that it entitles her to the information in some way.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Buckeye2

[txgrl]

Unless Lovin chimes in and let's us know exactly how she feels about it , based on your posts alone , it does feel like Lovin is giving you a hard time unnecessarily , based on her own insecurities and fears .

 

Lovin, I'm not trying to be harsh but the reality is you've lost some privileges that a faithful wife has so this continued jealousy over a woman whom DK was seeing AFTER your infidelity and your seperation is uncalled for and seems silly .

 

I think all of these emotions and working through them ,are part of R though . There will be **** to sort out . Don't be so hard on yourself especially in your condition , or on DKT . You guys are doing great . Keep at it and write about this here if you feel like it . I think hearing your perspective will make it clearer and you two can get better support here that way . Best .

[Owl]

See...I don't agree that someone who's cheated loses any kind of 'privileges' post affair.

 

The requirements should be precisely the same for both WS and the BS...or it creates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

 

If DK expects to know everything about Lovin's past sex life...to include the affair, or anything she might have done during their seperation...then he needs to be willing to provide the exact same level of honest communication.

 

Nothing should be 'off limits' at all.

 

BOTH partners should be willing to be open and honest about any aspect of their lives...to include their actions during the divorce/seperation.

 

Otherwise...their communication will remain screwed up. Frankly...Lovin has no reason to trust DKT if he's unwilling to discuss what went on then.

 

Her affair prior to this has absolutey nothing to do with how they should rebuild their new relationship going forward...with the exception of the fact that it should have opened both of their eyes to the need for trust, open communication, honesty, accountability, and boundaries so that their new relationship has a better foundation.

 

But frankly...this new relationship sounds to me like it's going to be built entirely based on DKT's decisions...Lovin doesn't get a say in it.

 

Doesn't sound like a good start to a new life together to me.

[gettingstronger]

I agree pretty much with what everyone has said- there are valid points all around but it still comes back, at least to me, that there are no off limits conversations in a healthy marriage-

 

Who owes who what and for what reason is not a great basis for a marriage- I can see in my own that this type of thinking on my husbands part lead to his selfish behaviors-

 

We have changed and grown so much and hope the same for you all-

[Madman81]

If you want the renewed relationship with your XW to have a chance of success, you need to be open with her. You should tell her that you will answer any questions she asks. That means you give her as much detail as she asks for. Don't volunteer a bunch of the gory stuff, but tell her if she asks for it.

 

However, before you tell her that you'll answer her questions, you should make it clear that you are offering this information in order to be open and honest with her, and that it's not an apology. The furthest you should go in feeling "sorry" is "feeling sorry that what happened after the split has caused her pain". I.e. NOT sorry for getting involved with other women, because that was your right, and she is not owed an apology for that.

 

If she accepts that, then carry on. If she won't, or if she insists you apologize, then things probably won't work. Being in a relationship doesn't mean putting your balls in a mason jar.

[txgrl]

But that's just it ! DKT IS being honest and transparent . He showed her the txt and seems like he has told her clearly many times that what he had with this ex is over .

 

An xww( myself included) does seem silly if she still acts so self entitled . I'm sure she doesn't mean to but this continuous,( mentioned a couple of times before too) unfounded jealousy which is obviously bothering DKT a lot, needs to stop .

[drifter777]

See...I don't agree that someone who's cheated loses any kind of 'privileges' post affair.

 

The requirements should be precisely the same for both WS and the BS...or it creates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

 

If DK expects to know everything about Lovin's past sex life...to include the affair, or anything she might have done during their seperation...then he needs to be willing to provide the exact same level of honest communication.

 

Nothing should be 'off limits' at all.

 

BOTH partners should be willing to be open and honest about any aspect of their lives...to include their actions during the divorce/seperation.

 

Otherwise...their communication will remain screwed up. Frankly...Lovin has no reason to trust DKT if he's unwilling to discuss what went on then.

 

Her affair prior to this has absolutey nothing to do with how they should rebuild their new relationship going forward...with the exception of the fact that it should have opened both of their eyes to the need for trust, open communication, honesty, accountability, and boundaries so that their new relationship has a better foundation.

 

But frankly...this new relationship sounds to me like it's going to be built entirely based on DKT's decisions...Lovin doesn't get a say in it.

 

Doesn't sound like a good start to a new life together to me.

 

Can't agree with this Owl. In life, context is everything. If all this played out exactly the same only HE was the WS then nearly all of us would understand the fear and insecurity Lovin' - as the BS - feels over having this woman text him. Most of us would say that she is entitled to any information that SHE thinks is relative. I don't think many of us would dispute this, and this is something about their prior relationship that would be important to their reconciliation now.

 

Since the actual scenario now is the other way around, it still makes sense to add the fact that they only recently decided to get back together and try to reconcile as a context. Lots of elements of their relationship are up-in-the-air right now - not the least of which is trust. Being totally open and transparent about their interactions with the opposite sex is completely reasonable. But details about pillow-talk and/or sexual stuff - no. That is crossing into unreasonable. This relationship between DKT and this other woman was not cheating and Lovin' is not a BS who deserves answers to anything she thinks she needs to know. But I hope we can understand why she might feel insecure about this.

[Owl]

Can't agree with this Owl. In life, context is everything. If all this played out exactly the same only HE was the WS then nearly all of us would understand the fear and insecurity Lovin' - as the BS - feels over having this woman text him. Most of us would say that she is entitled to any information that SHE thinks is relative. I don't think many of us would dispute this, and this is something about their prior relationship that would be important to their reconciliation now.

 

Since the actual scenario now is the other way around, it still makes sense to add the fact that they only recently decided to get back together and try to reconcile as a context. Lots of elements of their relationship are up-in-the-air right now - not the least of which is trust. Being totally open and transparent about their interactions with the opposite sex is completely reasonable. But details about pillow-talk and/or sexual stuff - no. That is crossing into unreasonable. This relationship between DKT and this other woman was not cheating and Lovin' is not a BS who deserves answers to anything she thinks she needs to know. But I hope we can understand why she might feel insecure about this.

 

You raise an excellent question, Drifter.

 

What level of detail is Lovin asking for here?

 

I'd agree...the 'pillow talk' etc... irrelevent and potentially just nothing but painful for her to here. Just the same as there's no value in a BS getting the 'pillow talk' level detail from their WS on the affair.

 

But a generalized understanding of what went on when, with whom?

 

Can't see why that would be unreasonable.

 

So that's the real question...how much info has she been given, and how much is she really asking for...and why does that level seem unreasonable to DKT?

[DKT3]

See...I don't agree that someone who's cheated loses any kind of 'privileges' post affair.

 

The requirements should be precisely the same for both WS and the BS...or it creates an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

 

If DK expects to know everything about Lovin's past sex life...to include the affair, or anything she might have done during their seperation...then he needs to be willing to provide the exact same level of honest communication.

 

Nothing should be 'off limits' at all.

 

BOTH partners should be willing to be open and honest about any aspect of their lives...to include their actions during the divorce/seperation.

 

Otherwise...their communication will remain screwed up. Frankly...Lovin has no reason to trust DKT if he's unwilling to discuss what went on then.

 

Her affair prior to this has absolutey nothing to do with how they should rebuild their new relationship going forward...with the exception of the fact that it should have opened both of their eyes to the need for trust, open communication, honesty, accountability, and boundaries so that their new relationship has a better foundation.

 

But frankly...this new relationship sounds to me like it's going to be built entirely based on DKT's decisions...Lovin doesn't get a say in it.

 

Doesn't sound like a good start to a new life together to me.

 

The thing is I don't ask about her A. I know an overview, how many times, places, duration of the A. Its more then enough. Lovin knows all those things about my past relationship.

 

As for as this my way or the highway, wow are you off there, way off. Her affair aside, I was a pretty sh*tty husband. I fully understand that now, this time around its been different. I have made many concession:

 

Career-took a 25% pay cut because she didn't like the hours

 

Friends-I had a couple friends who she says she was never comfortable with me hanging around, gone

 

Condo-I got after the divorce value is up 30% because its in an up and coming area. I wanted to keep it. She felt it was a fall back, a place to run if it got tough between us. Its now on the market.

 

Motorcycle-gone

 

There are some other things, I willingly gave up because she is more important. The only two things that I stood my ground on was the rings, which was only resolved when I agreed to get her new ones, and this.

 

So no it has been far from my way.

[Owl]

There are some other things, I willingly gave up because she is more important. The only two things that I stood my ground on was the rings, which was only resolved when I agreed to get her new ones, and this. So no it has been far from my way.

 

OK...I can see the concession you mentioned.

 

I just simply do not get why you choose to stand your ground on this.

 

Not at all.

 

Why stand your ground here, when you've given on other things?

 

Why is it so important to you to keep THIS away from her, if she feels it's important to her?

 

There's nothing that I can think of about my life that I truly feel is 'none of her business' in reference to my wife. There are things I don't talk about...mostly around parts of my military career...that I don't commonly share with her unless she specifically asks. If she truly wanted to know, I'd share. I don't offer, because its painful for me to dredge through those things.

 

But other than that...I see no value in not giving my wife the information she wants/needs to feel comfortable in our relationship.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Owl

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Because if he gives this to her, it ignores the fact that her fear and insecurity is unfounded and irrational and can only be dealt withthrough HER growth. Its a bandaid. The root cause of the issue is not this relationship. Its lovin's unjustified respinse to it.

[Owl]

Because if he gives this to her, it ignores the fact that her fear and insecurity is unfounded and irrational and can only be dealt withthrough HER growth. Its a bandaid. The root cause of the issue is not this relationship. Its lovin's unjustified respinse to it.

 

Who defines "unjustified"?

 

If he thinks she's just being insecure...then I'd seriously recommend MC and IC to help the both of them deal with that insecurity.

 

Perhaps that's the BEST recommendation I could make.

[Spectre]

And if she posted here...and this was his choice...I'd tell her she'd be a fool to resume a relationship with him. I'd tell her to cut her losses and walk.

 

Honestly? I'd tell her to walk too then, because she clearly doesn't love the guy if she'd have the nerve to walk over stuff that isn't her business. DK would just be dodging a bullet. So maybe it is a good thing he is standing his ground, it will show how truly committed she is or if it was all just words.

 

Fact is this isn't just about details, it is about the principle of the thing. These details are not her business. If I was Lovin I'd be happy the guy is even willing to give me another chance, I would not focus on what he did when we were divorced. If he doesn't stand his ground on this it sets a tone for the relationship and not a good one.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

My $.02...

 

Listen to Owl and the others that say building a healthy relationship now is about openness and honesty. It's not about what you owe her or what she has a right to know or what is none of her business or what she deserves or what you decide is good for her to hear. Is this just a business relationship? If that's what you want, that's all that you'll get.

 

It sounds to me like you're trying to rebuild a partnership for life. If that's the case, there should be no secrets between you. Keeping secrets and having 'privacy' is what people in unhealthy marriages do. It precludes real intimacy and puts a barrier between you.

 

I really don't think that the state of your relationship at the time is what you should be considering. Of course, at that time, it was none of her business. She cheated; you were divorcing. But your question has to do with your current relationship. And if you want to make this a relationship worth being in, you're going to have to be vulnerable and you're going to have to be in with both feet.

 

Perhaps you're just not there yet. Perhaps this has more to do with you not really being ready for a full-fledged relationship with her. Perhaps you're not ready to be vulnerable and to share everything. Frankly, that's an understandable position as no one can really say when you need to be 'over it.' But that's a different (and perhaps more difficult) question than whether you 'should' share this info in a fully committed relationship. In a fully committed relationship, I don't think you should withhold anything when it's requested. Deciding that it serves no purpose is more akin to a parent-child relationship, not a relationship where two people become one. Maybe the real question is whether you're really ready for that.

 

What happened when they were divorced is not her concern, period. Why does she need to know? Why is this information important? Why are DK's feelings not important? He doesn't want to tell, he shouldn't have to tell, and he also shouldn't be told the relationship won't be healthy if he doesn't tell. She had an affair, that had consequences. One was that he was with other women after the divorce. It has NO bearing whatsoever on their current relationship. The only way it would is if one of these women gave him an STD or if he got one pregnant.

 

She doesn't get to ask for details she has no right to. She just plain should of never even asked him, that speaks volumes right there. The bottom line is that if the relationship won't be healthy because Lovin isn't told details she had no right to ask for in the first place then that is a sign DK shouldn't even be considering forgiving her. You do not get to cheat on this man and then later on when he decides to forgive you..demand details out of him you have zero business even asking about in the first place.

 

So I think people need to stop saying the relationship is going to suffer if he doesn't tell her, because that will only happen if Lovin lets this fester into a bigger deal then it really is, and thing is..if she does? Then she isn't that committed. He has conceded a lot to this woman, he even called the ex in front of Lovin so she knew it was over. He has done enough in regards to his actions during the divorce. He doesn't need to do anymore, and if that will negatively impact the relationship it was not worth saving in the first place.

 

So as far as I am concerned if Lovin is truly out to fix this marriage? She should not ever ever ask him about what he did during the divorce again. If one day he decides to divulge, fine, but it is not fair for people to suggest a relationship will suffer because one partner refuses to tell the other partner something that is not their business anyways. They should indeed be open and honest about anything that has to do with their relationship. Who he screwed during the divorce has zero to do with it. So this is basically the perfect test. If Lovin can drop this and never ask again it will certainly go a long way in showing her commitment to righting the wrongs of the past.

 

Though here, we can do another test for those who feel he should tell. What valid reasons does she have to need to know the details? Nope, merely the fact of "she wants to know" is not enough. Why, specifically, does she need to know?

Edited July 10, 2014 by Spectre

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

My thinking is not necesaarily what is her right ornot over that period, but what if dkt comes across another woman who lovin perceives as a threat? His boundaries are solid. Willl he be expected to make more concessions to ease HER insecurity...as others have said, he is being treated like the cheater....it looks like classic projection.

[Spectre]

My thinking is not necesaarily what is her right ornot over that period, but what if dkt comes across another woman who lovin perceives as a threat? His boundaries are solid. Willl he be expected to make more concessions to ease HER insecurity...as others have said, he is being treated like the cheater....it looks like classic projection.

 

Exactly, he did nothing wrong. He should not be quizzed like he did. I still say her even asking him was pretty disrespectful. She has no valid reason to be insecure or to not trust him, she was not the one cheated on. Frankly it is not up to him to quell the insecurities inside her. That is on her and her issues to deal with.

 

Also I hate to say it, but this isn't just about details it is also about power. If DK caves now and tells her then he is more or less handing her a jar with his testes inside. I don't mean to be crude, but that is just how it is.

 

So advice to DK: don't cave. Advice to Lovin: don't bring up the subject again.

[carhill]

I have made many concession: <snip>

 

That's a really impressive list. Considering you were the BS in your prior M, you've made some really serious personal compromises, both financially and socially, to R. Kudos to you for that.

 

For balance, what compromises has your exW made to further this reconciliation, relevant to the dynamic of compatibility moving forward?

 

Oh, something which came to mind while forming this post: How does your exW feel about her IC's opinion on this dynamic:

 

"Her IC tells her she has to let it go or risk pushing me away."

 

It appears, in general, she disagrees with the IC's opinion but, as our MC used to say, there's more to the story. Any insight there?

[lovinDKT3]

What happened when they were divorced is not her concern, period. Why does she need to know? Why is this information important? Why are DK's feelings not important? He doesn't want to tell, he shouldn't have to tell, and he also shouldn't be told the relationship won't be healthy if he doesn't tell. She had an affair, that had consequences. One was that he was with other women after the divorce. It has NO bearing whatsoever on their current relationship. The only way it would is if one of these women gave him an STD or if he got one pregnant.

 

She doesn't get to ask for details she has no right to. She just plain should of never even asked him, that speaks volumes right there. The bottom line is that if the relationship won't be healthy because Lovin isn't told details she had no right to ask for in the first place then that is a sign DK shouldn't even be considering forgiving her. You do not get to cheat on this man and then later on when he decides to forgive you..demand details out of him you have zero business even asking about in the first place.

 

So I think people need to stop saying the relationship is going to suffer if he doesn't tell her, because that will only happen if Lovin lets this fester into a bigger deal then it really is, and thing is..if she does? Then she isn't that committed. He has conceded a lot to this woman, he even called the ex in front of Lovin so she knew it was over. He has done enough in regards to his actions during the divorce. He doesn't need to do anymore, and if that will negatively impact the relationship it was not worth saving in the first place.

 

So as far as I am concerned if Lovin is truly out to fix this marriage? She should not ever ever ask him about what he did during the divorce again. If one day he decides to divulge, fine, but it is not fair for people to suggest a relationship will suffer because one partner refuses to tell the other partner something that is not their business anyways. They should indeed be open and honest about anything that has to do with their relationship. Who he screwed during the divorce has zero to do with it. So this is basically the perfect test. If Lovin can drop this and never ask again it will certainly go a long way in showing her commitment to righting the wrongs of the past.

 

Though here, we can do another test for those who feel he should tell. What valid reasons does she have to need to know the details? Nope, merely the fact of "she wants to know" is not enough. Why, specifically, does she need to know?

 

Maybe wanting to know is unreasonable, maybe I'm over reaching. But for you to question that I want this relationship to work is asinine.

 

I can't really explain my feelings or emotions surrounding this woman and the relationship she shared with DKT. Its really a long history, a lot of things happened. I have explained some of my issues with their relationship. For one he had become fairly close with her in terms of spending a lot of time together as they traveled for work. Yes I thought they were involved, at least emotionally. It was also during this time frame that he filed for divorce and moved out. Did I think she played a role in that? Of course I did, at the time. I was still in a fog and couldn't accept that I had ruined our marriage so I looked for someone.....something else to blame. DKT has always been honest with me, and I never doubted what he told me, until this point, when he told me nothing was going on. He shut me out of his life, he wouldn't talk to me at all. Then all of a sudden they were a couple. "OMG what a freaking lair" is what I thought when I found out.

 

Now while my head believes him that nothing was going on, emotionally its hard to deal with. I feel like I just need this chapter closed. When she reached out to him it stirred all those emotions.

 

Maybe its not my place. Yes I created the drama with my affair, it doesn't make it hurt less that I had to watch him fall in love with her, and to know that she is open and willing to accept him back in a heartbeat. Unreasonable? Yes. Its just how I feel.

Edited July 10, 2014 by lovinDKT3

[Journee]

That's the problem with many relationships after infidelity. Things are so unbalanced and it seems like it's a black spitting cloud hanging over the R.

 

I don't agree that this should be about retaining power because that is an illusion anyway. No one has control over anything really. Especially over another person. If anything affairs are great examples of how people will do as they please.

 

The emotions after an A are all over the place for everyone. Hard to make sense of and off the charts crazy. I understand why Lovin is feeling insecure. She's a human. She has feelings that arise that may not make sense but are present none the less. For some, her being a wayward discounts any and all hurts and pain she will ever feel again. What's the point of reconciliation if the WS will forever be treated like a second class citizen?

 

DKT,

 

I think it's great that you are even here trying to gain a new perspective and not just totally poo pooing her concerns. My STBxH and I separated a few years ago for a year. He has cheated on me numerous times and yet still asked constantly about my doings. He didn't have much of a leg to stand on but he was feeling jealous and out of control of his life. $#¡+ happens. It's hard to be rational when dealing with irrational acts, events and thought processes. It's ok for her to feel and it's ok for you to feel the opposite.

 

If I had a truly remorseful spouse and I wasn't already emotionally, financially and physically completely disengaged from my R, I'd give this woman this bit. It won't take away from either of you as people. It probably won't even alleviate her hurt over it all honestly, but at the least your communication seems very open and you don't want to see that change.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

lovin' - what has he told you? What do you still want to know?