Music41 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I need advice. Just over a month ago, my boyfriend cheated on me with a random girl at a bar. I found out the night it happened because he acted weird and was ridiculously drunk. I am not proud but I went through his phone, found her naked picture that she sent him, and his response of "let's bang". I was devastated. I couldn't breathe, eat, think straight. We just bought a house together a month before that and couldn't believe he would do this to me. Long story short, decided that I wasn't ready to lose him and wanted to forgive him and work on building trust again. It's a lot harder than I thought though. Some days I am fine. Others... Not so much. I have been having random anxiety attacks, over analyze everything, and when I try to bring up my feelings to him, I sound like a broken record. It's causing fights now, because I keep bringing up things over and over. Not so much the cheating but more about how he hasn't been as affectionate or loving or even as sympathetic to me as I need him to be. I don't throw what he did in my face, but I am hurt still and sometimes I simply over react when he doesn't give me the attention that I feel I deserve. It's a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like he thinks I've lost my mind (I feel that way sometimes too) but I know it's pushing him away. How do I stop pushing him away? How do I make the pain go away? How long does it take? I made the choice to forgive him. I do believe he is trying just not as hard as he could. Am I expecting too much too soon? We do have amazing times together too. These emotions creep up on me randomly and I feel over sensitive. I never used to be like this. I feel pathetic, begging for his attention. I just want the closeness that we used to have. I know it will never be fully the same but I want the love that we used to share. I know he feels bad about it, and I know that me constantly being so insecure is driving us both crazy. How can I fix myself and not feel so dependent on his affection? I used to be so independent before this happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Jatli Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I am sorry you are going through this. He needs to be the one to step up to the plate and make you feel comfortable. He needs to be the one that makes you feel secure. This is not your fault it is completely his and his alone. Yes you feel like crap and you will for sometime. He broke a trust and a bond you two had and it sucks. You said you forgave him. If that is true then you need to completely forgive him. Once you have it out with him and I mean completely, yell, scream cry whatever just have it out. Then if you forgive, then forgive. You cannot bring it up, say anything about it. You need to let it go. I am not saying you need to forget because you never will. But if you choose to forgive then that is what you must do. If you are finding yourself having issues and getting sad about it. Go for a walk and sort it out, but choosing to forgive means just that. You cannot forgive however if he does not own up to what he has done and apologize for it. If he is making you feel bad for being upset then he doesn't feel bad and that is a whole other issue in itself. Then I would have to ask myself is this the relationship I need to be in and if not then maybe you need to go to a friends or family for a week or two just to sort things out and figure if you really do want to forgive. Hope this helps a little Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Did he ask for your forgiveness or did you offer to work on things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Sorry you are on this roller coaster. Nothing is normal, when this happens to you. If he is not extremely remorseful, and trying hard to fix this, you are wasting your time. You can't fix this by yourself, no matter how hard you try. It takes two working together. Did he use protection and has he been tested for stds? Has he given you a timeline of the A? Not too many people get together for relationships without having earlier experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Music41 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I guess I offered... He apologized. Maybe I should have made him leave and wait it out but I couldn't make sense of my thoughts and what my heart felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 You might have forgiven but you will never forget. Those feelings might leave and they might also NEVER leave. Are you prepared to deal with that? Personally, I'd figure out a way to deal with the house and move onto a healthier relationship. This is too much drama to deal with one month into a new house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Music41 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Thank you guys. The input helps. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I don't want anyone to know. It's embarrassing. but it was a 1 time thing. I read the texts between her and him that night, and also between his best friend. He sent him the pic too, said "just met this girl and she wants to bang" his friend did try to talk him out of it, but he was too drunk, too motivated... He's never had any late unexplained nights before and he hasn't gone back to the bar since then. He comes home right after work everyday since then, he swears he wants to be with me, and that he loves me, and that he will never do it again. I mentioned taking a break for a while to see if it would help, and he did get emotional and ask me not to leave him. He is trying. I sometimes feel that his actions don't always match his words. It's not that he doesn't show me any affection it's just not as much as before. It hurts. I try to smile through it but sometimes I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I guess I offered... He apologized. Maybe I should have made him leave and wait it out but I couldn't make sense of my thoughts and what my heart felt. Probably should have made sure he wanted to be forgiven. I think that's part of your problem. Did he really want to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 One month is not enough time to move past the man you love having sex with another woman. Let yourself experience the emotions so you can start to heal. If he doesn't like it, tell him he can leave. He caused this. He should be bending over backwards to do whatever it takes to fix his mess. If he isn't, he's not truly committed to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 One month is nothing. You need to give yourself time, and be kind to yourself. You've had a crushing blow and serious breach of trust. Those sick feelings won't just disappear; even years from now you could be triggered by something that brings them racing back. Be patient with your emotions. Over time, the sting might not be as sharp but it will still be there. And you certainly don't need to smile through anything. Regarding your boyfriend - he needs to try to understand why he did it. If he doesn't think about this and work to solve the root problem, it could very well happen again. How was the relationship before all of this happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Babie-Girl Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 ive been through similar thing... im still trying to rebuild trust with this guy and hes cheated on me twice... once recently.... everytime i bring something up or say how i feel to him, he just gets angry and threatens to hit me and tells me im pressuring him etc..... so i hope you don't feel alone... i don't have alot of advice cuz i can't say leave him cuz i can't leave my guy.... hope everything's goes ok, just take it slow and try to understand how eachother feels.. just don't take any s*** he gives you cuz i'm taking it and i feel so pathetic and weak..... key is space, sometime so things calm down maybe a week maybe a month.. just alil time.... i know how you feel about pushing him away... i was pushing him away before nd thats why he cheated on me this time.... i can say that going out with friends and talking to people do help.. i hate talking to people but one of my friends managed to get it out of me and i felt alittle better afterwards.... listen to your heart and see what it tells you.... keep busy and id say ignore him and wait for him to come to you.. its clear that you both need space atm.. it will be very hard and depressing and stressful.... if you keep yourself occupied and with friends then it will be alil easier.... hope everything goes better for you then it has for me.... x Link to post Share on other sites
realfriends Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 To answer the title of this thread... Normal feelings would be having your world turned upside down, then pissed and stomped all over and thrown in the trash. This is why it takes long for people to recover after being cheated on. They have to remove the piss stain, heal up from the stomping, clean up, and somehow flip them self right side up. Thats not a very easy task. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 ive been through similar thing... im still trying to rebuild trust with this guy and hes cheated on me twice... once recently.... everytime i bring something up or say how i feel to him, he just gets angry and threatens to hit me and tells me im pressuring him etc..... so i hope you don't feel alone... i don't have alot of advice cuz i can't say leave him cuz i can't leave my guy.... Oh you you NEED to leave this guy. There WILL be a third time and you will get hit. Why would you want to stay in this situation!?!?!?!?!!? Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 My boyfriend ( now ex) cheated on me two years ago with a one night stand. It has taken exactly two years to overcome this. It has been a difficult and painful journey to get to this inner peace. Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I know that my triggers pushed him away eventually. But I really don't care anymore. I have no more respect for this man Link to post Share on other sites
Babie-Girl Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Oh you you NEED to leave this guy. There WILL be a third time and you will get hit. Why would you want to stay in this situation!?!?!?!?!!? ive been with him for 8 1/2 years.. unfortunately i am committed and refuse to give up on anything. when ever i see him i just feel something between us and when i look into his eyes i feel like hes telling the truth... im not saying i believe him and i want to leave him but i just can't.... i love him too much.... i know he wants to change, he just needs some help otherwise he will end up just like his dad... i know there's still good in him, i want to help him be a better person.... i know its not fair on me or my family but until one of us says "i dont love you anymore, or i dont want to be with you anymore" i wont quit.... if he does happen to do it again i will leave, if he wants to beat me to death to stop me, so be it.... you can't help you fall in love with.... Link to post Share on other sites
Babie-Girl Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Oh you you NEED to leave this guy. There WILL be a third time and you will get hit. Why would you want to stay in this situation!?!?!?!?!!? ive been with him for 8 1/2 years.. unfortunately i am committed and refuse to give up on anything. when ever i see him i just feel something between us and when i look into his eyes i feel like hes telling the truth... im not saying i believe him and i want to leave him but i just can't.... i love him too much.... i know he wants to change, he just needs some help otherwise he will end up just like his dad... i know there's still good in him, i want to help him be a better person.... i know its not fair on me or my family but until one of us says "i dont love you anymore, or i dont want to be with you anymore" i wont quit.... if he does happen to do it again i will leave, if he wants to beat me to death to stop me, so be it.... you can't help you fall in love with.... Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I guess I offered... He apologized. Maybe I should have made him leave and wait it out but I couldn't make sense of my thoughts and what my heart felt. Please dont woulda, coulda, shoulda yourself. <3 Hugs! You did what you thought was right for you at the time. My response to being cheated on was more along the lines of "OH ****ING HELL NO." I chose to leave, instead of reconciling, however, I did want to offer support. I can imagine what you're going through. I chose not to reconcile and I still would not be able to look him in the eye after what he did. There is NO forgiveness at all. In all honesty, I have never even tried to forgive him. It was a waste of energy. I left and focussed on me. Im 30. I was not only too old for that, I was still way too young for that. No kids, we werent married... NOPE! See ya! I would personally give yourself a due date. If you really cannot get over this, that is ok and normal. Some people cannot get over being cheated and betrayed that way. It was all just so easy. Just a naked pic and he was all for it! If you are not over things by a certain point, sometimes knowing there is an out, is best. It is not fair to you to continue living this way, and it is not fair to him to continue living with you being insane about it. At some point one of you will say enough is enough. My father drank for many years, and I remember when he quit, my mother rubbed it in his face for so many years after he quit. He was busting his butt to change her heart and she wouldnt have it, but she also wouldnt divorce him either. She just wanted to be mad, and to be heard. Lol. Her wake up call was when my dad (who would have had no foot to stand on years prior) said that if she didnt at least try to start trying, he was going to have to divorce her. They have smartened up since. Married 32 years! Lol. They have been through a lot, but just because my father drank, doesnt mean she had the right to kill him over it for 20 years after he quits! Lol. She CHOSE to stay, and by staying she CHOSE to forgive. If you cannot do that, you are still only human. Link to post Share on other sites
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