Dividing homes

[Mommame2]

As many know here...I am about to be divorced. However, my husband is in denial. I work a ton....because I pull the most financial weight. I can't quit...or change jobs.

 

 

I am struggling with what to do about homes. I have considered bird nesting. We have a lease on a house that we can't really break - so I was considering this. (Where the child stays put and the parents alternate weeks in the house and rotate to an apartment).

 

 

OR -- I have considered changing homes....there's one down the street that is for lease and it has a separate apartment off the back of the house. I am considering this because I want to spend the most time with our son. I don't want him to have leave his "house" and live in some crappy apartment.

 

 

OR -- I attempt full custody and get a live in au pair. I will struggle with that...considering I would not see my son very much due to my awful work schedule.

 

 

THoughts? Suggestions?

[carhill]

When do you expect to be divorced and your property settled? When is the lease up? How long has the child been in this home?

 

Presuming your estranged partner is the current primary parent due to your work schedule, IMO, if possible, continue the child's environment as consistently as possible and arrange liberal visitation.

 

If practical, the 'house down the street' has good traction, presuming the 'dividing homes' scenario, since it's in the neighborhood and provides easy access to both parents and child.

 

If your partner is amicable, I'm betting you and they can work something out. The 'lease' has me presuming neither of you have real estate holdings, so there won't be that issue to decide or bifurcate, rather just a matter of re-writing the lease on the existing to have one party removed and signing a new, separate lease on another place. Yep, it'll increase costs, but divorce does that. However, an amicable divorce can easily save enough in legal fees to pay for a couple years of lease payments, so IMO better to focus on that aspect and the welfare of the child.

[Mommame2]

Yes -- well my husband works from home. But, he relies a lot on a nanny most of the time so he can stare at his computer. (Another story).

 

 

I suppose he is considered the "primary" right now since I have to work away from home. But, I do everything in power to stay with my son when I'm not working... The court date is Aug 20th. We have nothing but debt. No cash or property.

 

 

So when you say liberal visitation...do you mean for me or for him?

 

 

My husband can't afford a house per say...I will have to pay for a separate apartment if that's the direction we go.

 

 

That's why I thought about this house down the street -- if I could get out of my existing lease...I could get this other house that has a one bedroom apartment in the back with its own entrance. It is actually 200 dollars cheaper than my current lease....so I could then pay for everything that way.

 

 

But, what about starting my new life? It will be weird to have my ex in the back of the house ...even if it is separate. But, it seems to me it could be the best for our son. He's 8. We've been in our current house about 6 months.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband can't afford a house per say...I will have to pay for a separate apartment if that's the direction we go.

Divorce typically would mean your husband's living situation would be his own to figure out.

 

Are you more concerned about post-divorce child care (would be provided by husband?). Or is the disparity in your incomes such that you'd be paying alimony?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mommame2]

To answer your question -- I worry about how our son will see his father.

 

 

It's a long story, but my husband is not filing for bankruptcy with me...instead he wants me to file alone and get rid of the debt. So much so he wants to be legally separated/divorced from me to make this happen and will sign any document that will allow that. But, he thinks we will get back together. Even though just last month I asked for a REAL divorce -- he is in denial. He thinks that I will get back with him and that our lifestyle will remain at my income level. He just wants to be rid of the debt.

 

 

So....my point is that I can basically right in whatever I want on the final decree. He's not going to fight me because he doesn't believe the fact that it is real. Sad as it may be... He just wants me to "fix the problem" and make it all okay... and go back to the way things are = saving no money and spending more than we have.

 

 

I am not REALLY filing bankruptcy. I am trying to get this fixed on my own. But, I have REALLY filed divorce. Now I just have to figure out how to fix all of this for our son.

[Mr. Lucky]

To answer your question -- I worry about how our son will see his father.

Well, then the apartment behind a house, though unconventional, might be a good idea.

 

Had some good friends that got divorced and he moved into the house next door. He jokes that visitation involves crossing the lawn. And they've made it work even through new relationships for both of them. Something similar might work for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoBlue]

There's nothing easy about leaving a life you have had with your husband and son and "moving on". I don't care how prevalent and accepted divorce is in today's culture. It would be a little unusual to have your ex-husband living in an apartment behind your house, for sure, but in today's world the courts could order you to pay him support.

 

I have no answers for you. I don't know how changing your living situation is going to help you "spend more time" with your son if the work schedule stays the same. I have been divorced for five years and things are still very hard - day-to-day living, expenses, time with my children, etc., etc. I have never read any of your other posts and do not know your individual story - but divorce should be entered into as a last resort and every effort put into saving the family. That is one humble man's opinion anyway.