Seperation by suprise

[WOEZME]

Married 12 years, together 15...out of the blue my wife ups and leaves. It has been six weeks since seperating. I have been through hell and back..I obviously have read up on blogs, mid-life crises and alot of it compares but obviously every situation is different. My wife said it was over the first day she left, she stressed that when she makes a decision she sticks to it. So yes the first week or so...I was probably doing everything that all blogs say not to do...(pressure, beg, cry, initiate, etc...) obviously after reading all blogs on how to rekindle etc...I have improved...although I'm still crushed as im trying to accept her decision...it is hard to move on when you feel like there could be hope...Obviously this is one sided, but the friendship we had was a wonderful thing, and she even said "she knows we are best friends", she knows she is giving up everythings..."she said she is going to be selfish and find her happiness". On another note, a day or two after she left I found out she had been talking with a guy....Another note..3 weeks prior she had breast surgery (reduction and removal of tomurs that were not cancerous...two weeks after that she gets tatto (first one)...week or so later...she left me....I'm obviously crushed..I'm in therapy..I'm trying to move on like she wants...But something keeps telling me that this is a mid-life crisis..and maybe she will realize one day..

and want to atleast try to rekindle....and suggestions

Edited July 9, 2014 by WOEZME
spelling

[FredJones80]

a day or two after she left I found out she had been talking with a guy

 

This.

[SammySammy]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." - Maya Angelou

[Striver]

I am in the same boat as you. About a week between "I've been unhappy for a year" and separation.

 

To me it would matter if there are children involved. More important to save the marriage if there are, IMO.

 

The guy probably matters, but she was probably unhappy before the guy. Whether her unhappiness had anything to do with you (things that you can change) may not be known.

 

Once she is checked out like this, she is probably going to be difficult to talk to. Focus on yourself and living a good life for yourself.

 

You aren't obligated to follow her lead on giving up, but you don't have any control over her. Live well for yourself and see where it takes you.

[WOEZME]

Thanks for comments....I'm at the point...6 1/2 weeks of seperation...of not getting on facebook to see if she post something (yes we are still friends on facebook)...not getting on the guys fb page (no we are not friends)....and I keep telling myself to not take any calls or texts (in which she has initiated..one or two times a week) I'm trying to take myself out of her life..with no contact...unless the text is real important or about me and her...in which has not happened yet...We still have to deal with selling of house...seperation of assets, etc....But at this point...I do not want to give her the satisfaction of having the cake and eat it too...if you know what I mean...I feel she wants her freedom..this other guy(s)...and hold on to our freindship...That is hard on me.....Any comments

[WOEZME]

Does anyone...still think a rekindling could be instore for future...How do I handle this.

[Habs33]

Hello,

Same thing happened to me. Found messages to and from a guy. She got tattoo, was hanging around people half her age. There was no chance to fix things. It was heart breaking. It has been two years for me now and we are still not divorced. She figured I would give into all her demands but I am not.

 

I would suggest to keep your ground and make sure you get/keep what you deserve when things get divided.

 

Important piece of advice which is extremely hard to accept......(in my case) I felt inside she still respected me and still cared a little bit......I was completely wrong.....no more feelings towards me at all so when dealing with dividing things do not do things just to be nice....good chances she will not.

[longjohn]

A similar thing happened to me while married. Although there were issues in the marriage beforehand. The death nail was her planning to leave me for this other guy. I found texts, emails and facebook messages etc. She was sure the grass would be greener on the other side. She was so very wrong. Turned out the other guy was married and using her. She called me up over a year later crying, begging forgiveness for what she'd done but once it's done it can't be undone. I moved out right away and we where divorced a year later. It's horrible to have to go from being married to treating your (then) wife as the enemy. This is what I done, my emotions wanted me to stay and fix things but I knew the best thing to do was get out and not go back or I'd be inviting more of the same.

 

 

My advise is to move onward and forget about her. Block her number on your phone. Flag her emails as spam and unfriend her on FB and get on with your life. Keep her firmly in the past where she belongs. There's no shortage of women out there.

[Owl]

Woezme, I get that you've done a lot to make positive changes in yourself...that's the right start.

 

It sounds like there's some room for continued improvement.

 

Let me spell something out for you, as I think you may not be considering it.

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like dirt that still pines for them and begs for them to come home. The harder you cling to her now...the less respect she's going to have for you. Instead of trying to get her back...you need to show her indifference, and the ability to live your life without her. Be aloof, self-sufficient. Don't chase her. Take a step back, and let her feel that distance between you. Let her know...you're not interested in being her best friend. You were/are her husband...you're not willing to engage in any lesser relationships with her. Don't initiate contact with her anymore. In fact, when/if she calls/texts/whatever...don't answer right away, and when you do, keep it short, low key, and cut it off before she's done. Give the appearance that you're still living your life without her.

 

Because this all ties into my second point...a woman cannot maintain romantic love for a man she cannot respect.

 

You'd think that taking a step would drive her away. Odds are very low that it will. Instead...making those positive changes, and then creating distance between you can have the opposite effect. You become more attractive if you make it clear you don't NEED her in your life.

 

Start filling your time, your mind with something else besides her.

 

Hit the gym, start running, take up martial arts. Go camping with some guy friends over the weekend.

[Dspawn76]

Any chance she was on any kind of mood stablizer or antidepressants? (I've been doing tons of research)

 

Thanks and I'm very sorry to hear of your sad, but all too familiar story.

[Dspawn76]

"Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like dirt that still pines for them and begs for them to come home. The harder you cling to her now...the less respect she's going to have for you."

 

I also wanted to say I believe this to be 100% in adequate. Meaning, we're not talking about women who have all their strings in order. This statement holds water with people who have their heads on straight, and in 100% working as intended minds with good decision making. Women who break families up over selfish reasons are NOT good examples of "thinking clearly"

 

I know this post will cause some flak, but that's ok. I have discovered with communities like this, people have become so 'black and white' about everything and don't believe in varying situations. It's all this, or all that. Nothing in between.

[Bluesandy]

I agree with all above... the best way to get her back is...... to make everything like you don't care about her..... My wife left 18 months to go with her boss, although I thought everything was perfect between us... since they are not together anymore, and doesn't regret anything, except our great frienship... I have been with 2 other girls so far and I cvan tell you, each one of them was a great relationship so I don't regret anything, excpet the fact she broke the family.. But since day 1, I never beg her of anything cause I knew that's what I had to do... She could realize in several years and some failure I was the one, but it could be too late for me... I had a similar story when younger, I was with a wonderful girl at the university, and she left me for another guy. I left immedialtly, had a long relationship with another girl and when we split, 4 years after, I met my future exwife. One month later, the girl who dumped me 4 years before had a hard time with the guy she left me for, and wanted me to go back with her... I stayed with my with wife 23 years and especially in the beginning we had an affair like once a month. For her, she was in love, for me, weirdly, I felt nothing anymore... Then she got married as well, had a kid, but split 3 years ago. Since, she continued to send me messages, and when my wife left me, she told me she was in love with me... I tried something with her, but as I was feeling nothing, I went with another girl.. and another.. And she is still telling my mother she will wait till the time I will be ready cause I am the man of her life.... So you see.. nothing is eternal, but the surprise could come from you.. in several years, when you will find hapiness, she might come back. But you will be surprised that your love for her is gone... So the best move you have to do right now is to take care of you, take care of your look, go out with other girls... time is on your side for your recovery, even is sometimes, it is not fast enough.. But at the end of the road, you will be the winner... no doubt... cause you will have learned a lesson in life, and not her...

Courage, cause you will have a lot of days in pain, but each day is a closer from your hapiness...

André

Edited July 10, 2014 by Bluesandy

[Dspawn76]

"So the best move you have to do right now is to take care of you, take care of your look, go out with other girls... time is on your side for your recovery, even is sometimes, it is not fast enough.. But at the end of the road, you will be the winner... no doubt... cause you will have learned a lesson in life, and not her...

Courage, cause you will have a lot of days in pain, but each day is a closer from your hapiness..."

 

^^ Agree 100%. No matter the outcome, no matter the situation... you should ALWAYS put yourself and kids first in these situations... take care of you and yours (whatever is left of 'yours' there may be, kids, pets too etc)

[WOEZME]

Thanks Owl,

I have been working on doing the exact things you have discussed (however it is tough)..and yes she certainly does not respect me (obviously)....But we are 6 1/2 weeks in...is it to late...or is it never to late...I guess the key is to worry about me now....But I would love for her to respect me and become attractive to her again...It sounds like I just need to move on...However...Its still will seem like an acting mode to me...because there is that little piece that wants her to want me again...any comment

[WOEZME]

dspawn76.....she was on pain meds with her surgery

[Owl]

Thanks Owl,

I have been working on doing the exact things you have discussed (however it is tough)..and yes she certainly does not respect me (obviously)....But we are 6 1/2 weeks in...is it to late...or is it never to late...I guess the key is to worry about me now....But I would love for her to respect me and become attractive to her again...It sounds like I just need to move on...However...Its still will seem like an acting mode to me...because there is that little piece that wants her to want me again...any comment

 

"Fake it til you make it".

 

Sure, it seem unnatural and even counter-intuitive right now.

 

But think about it...doing what you're doing by simply focusing on taking care of yourself, filling your time and energy on other things, and distancing yourself from her....all of those things also help to build you up to the point where you CAN 'make it' without her if that's the outcome.

 

They make you a stronger, self-sufficient man.

 

Which is what not only serves you best, but it's what women generally find most attractive anyway.

 

While it's hard now...it's a 'win-win' plan long term. Either you 'win' her back...or you 'win' by becoming that self-sufficient guy.

 

My last thought is...the more you seperate yourself from her now...the sooner it becomes easier.

[Dspawn76]

Woe, was it something like Tramadol? They have SSRI properties to them..

 

My niece had shoulder and knee pain (tries to get out of work...) Dr. prescribed her Lexapro..... Her second opinion Dr. told her yesterday? I think it was, "Uh, girl that's for some heavily depressed patients, they shouldn't be rx'ing you that stuff for your pain. It may make you 'not care' about it, but it's not fixing the problem...." And proceeds to tell her to wean off of it if she's been taking it. She said "Noooo I haven't taken it, this time. I took it before over something else and I went into severe mania and doing stupid *****... that's why I'm here"

 

He also told her Tramadol has the same properties and to not take it. Gave her a codeine alternative.

 

Try to see if she's still taking it regularly and what exactly it is.

[Dspawn76]

Forgot to add quote....

 

"Tell your doctor right away if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: mental/mood changes (such as agitation, confusion, hallucinations), changes in behavior, severe stomach/abdominal pain, difficulty urinating..."

 

That's from Tramadol, what they give out sometimes for pain. I can't remember what source that was from, it's in my notes beside Tramadol.

 

I can tell you one thing, we see the ads every day saying this same warning "changes in mood or behavior" but we don't really understand what it can entail until we have it happen to us first hand!

 

Also, Owl is correct, the sooner you can get your mind off of it / her, the better. THIS DOES NOT MEAN give up bro, it means move on. Be happy the best you can. The sooner you can build this mentality, the sooner healing can take bigger strides. "Letting go, for now" as someone in one of my books said. IF when you are healed and happy again, and she makes contact to build bridges, you'll have a clearer head and able to make a better decision. Yes, as much as you'd hate to hear it (I do/did too) you MAY not even want her at that point. It's a great feeling.. I get a taste of it once in a while.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Dspawn76

[2.50 a gallon]

After being together for 2 and half years, I agreed, she asked, to marry her when she graduated from college. With her degree, she was recruited by a Fortune 100 company, and being as she was super hot looking, and the first of her sex to work in her department, almost immediately upon her taking a new job, I was faced with an army of co-worker OM's. For 4 months I did my utmost to keep us together, begging, buying flowers, etc. All it did was make matter worse. The more I gave the more she disrespected me. That all came to an end, when on our 6 month anniversary I caught her kissing a guard where she worked. I immediately kicked her to the curb and told her we were finished. She then tried to rub salt in the wound by telling me all about her new BF. About a month after we separated, she came by to see our cats, and tell me more about her new love. As she was leaving, she put 2 and 2 together and realized that I had not slept alone the previous night. Instant turn around, her on the floor begging me to take her back. It was like the minute she realized that I had totally detached from her, she wanted me back

 

As you, I loved her to death, but there was no way I could share a life with her.

 

As you, the first problem was getting her out of my mind. I thought about her constantly. The idea was to find some activity that would give me a minutes peace, the turn the minutes into hours and the hours into days.

 

I went back to my hobbies, and tried a couple of new ones. I failed at raising orchids, but succeeded and breeding rare and hard to breed tropical fish. A hobby that I have continued for over 3 decades.

 

I was a decent cook, but after the breakup, bought a book on cooking gourmet meals. The rewards were tripled, as not only did they take longer to cook, more time not thinking, but I also got a great meal, and more ammo for when I got back into the dating scene. I moved into a large apartment complex, bought a weber and a ice cream maker and it was not long before by dance card was once again full

 

Take this opportunity to try things you have thought about and never tried. Salsa dancing, bird watching, whatever

[WOEZME]

by the way....is there a way I could change my member name...from WOEZME to something else....I would hate for my wife or someone who knows woezme to see all of this...

[WOEZME]

Woe, was it something like Tramadol? They have SSRI properties to them..

 

My niece had shoulder and knee pain (tries to get out of work...) Dr. prescribed her Lexapro..... Her second opinion Dr. told her yesterday? I think it was, "Uh, girl that's for some heavily depressed patients, they shouldn't be rx'ing you that stuff for your pain. It may make you 'not care' about it, but it's not fixing the problem...." And proceeds to tell her to wean off of it if she's been taking it. She said "Noooo I haven't taken it, this time. I took it before over something else and I went into severe mania and doing stupid *****... that's why I'm here"

 

He also told her Tramadol has the same properties and to not take it. Gave her a codeine alternative.

 

Try to see if she's still taking it regularly and what exactly it is.

 

Not sure of medicine..but they both sound familiar..im unsure how long she has taking them..or even if she still is..

[WOEZME]

Okay...I'm at a point of NO Contact attitude...(Well today is Friday) and the last time I've heard from her was on monday (stating text..lets take a break from talking for a while..and she will also set up a day soon that she will have a truck to pick some boxes of stuff up of hers...This puts me in a situation...first of all..she will probably text when she plans a day to pick stuff up...(Do I reply)...Second...When she comes should I be there..(I have changed locks on doors).....to add...I have held off logging into facebook..where we still are friends...but I have had the strength for4 days now not to look at it....and suggestions on anything I should do.

[SammySammy]

Yeah, talk to her to arrange the pickup of her stuff but nothing more than that.

[TheBladeRunner]

Okay...I'm at a point of NO Contact attitude...(Well today is Friday) and the last time I've heard from her was on monday (stating text..lets take a break from talking for a while..and she will also set up a day soon that she will have a truck to pick some boxes of stuff up of hers...This puts me in a situation...first of all..she will probably text when she plans a day to pick stuff up...(Do I reply)...Second...When she comes should I be there..(I have changed locks on doors).....to add...I have held off logging into facebook..where we still are friends...but I have had the strength for4 days now not to look at it....and suggestions on anything I should do.

 

Yes! Be there when she gets her stuff unless it is out front and she can't get in. As far as Facebook goes, I would unfriend her and anyone associated w/ her. Trust me when I say that you DON'T wanna' see what she's doing, you will torture yourself (at least it was torture for me). Cut as many ties as you can and do NC or at least limit contact if you guys have kids.

[Dspawn76]

Bladerunner is correct.

 

I mean, if it DOESN'T torture you, then you truly weren't in love. You do NOT want to do that. If you have no kids (forgot to recap before posting) BLOCK HER!

 

If you block her, you can't accidentally see stuff from her (by mutual friend's postings etc) and less chances you'll relapse and go look at her page. The fact that you'd have to unblock her makes it 'work'...we're human, we don't like work, lol.