Young sexless marriage

[lxndr]

Hey all.

 

Kinda just looking for some advice as to go about handling my marriage, and just in general.

 

So, bit of a backstory:

Wife and I are both 24, been married for 3 years, dated for 3 years before. Both military, I got out in summer of 12 for college, and she's actually getting out in a week or two to go to college. Started dating and due to military, we ended up being separated cross country - but we made it work until we could actually see each other on the weekends with a 5 hour drive each way, so it wasn't bad. Got married, and about a year later, I got out and moved up to be with her. And then about 3 months later, the sex just...stopped. Been a problem now for coming up on two years.

 

There wasn't any issue with it when we were dating, nor when we got married. Honestly very fair to say we had more sex when we were living separately than when together. The three month period while together, it was perfectly fine. Then it just was "hey, on my period - after."(She won't do it then, which, while it doesn't bother me to, I can respect.) I'm assuming, and then weeks dragged on. Went 4 months without, did it once, and then another 4 months. After that, had a long talk with her, trying to figure out what was up. Should have talked earlier.

 

Anyways, it resumed to about once a month, and has been that way ever since. Now, we've had talks/fights about it every so often. Probably on the consistency of once every two-three months. After each talk, it'll fix itself for maybe a week or two where the sex is fine and on a daily/every-other-day basis before it reverts back to the monthly. I'd personally be good with twice a week.

 

When we talk, I've tried figuring out why it's like this. She has no reasoning for me. Supposedly she's gone to the doctor to make sure it's not medical, and apparently she's fine. She says she still finds me attractive - and she shows it by way of kisses, cuddling, compliments... just never sex.

 

I used to be simply miserable. But currently, I feel I've grown apathetic to the relationship in general. I've noticed I've been somewhat distant with her for the past month or so, and I think she's picked up on it as well. She's been wanting to hang out more and stuff, but sex initiation on her end hasn't changed - I can't do it anymore because being turned down every time kinda killed that in me it seems. Additionally, when she has initiated for sex, I just don't have any interest. I love her and find her beautiful, truly I do. I care about her very deeply, but I just feel like I'm pretty well done. Recently started going to counseling on my own to try and solve this issue, but honestly seems like a waste of time.

 

I must say however, that aside from the sex, there are essentially no issues with our relationship. I don't know that we've had any legitimate fights outside of that, and if we have they were small.

 

I would leave, or at least consider leaving more, but currently still in college and financially very much strained as it is. Don't think I could manage being on my own, and at the same time I don't know that she could either considering she's about to be going to college full time as well. We don't have any kids, but rent+bills+2 large dogs + all else kinda makes it hard living as a student. I feel stuck in this relationship, and... not really sure what to do. At the same time, I feel it's unfair of me to be in it just for the financial security.

 

I will be going to grad school in about 2 years, and I honestly cannot take this marriage to there if it's going to be as sexless as it is. I'm simply not happy being here, and I refuse to spend the rest of my life as is. I've tried what I know to fix it by way of talking to her, but... doesn't seem like it's able to change; fact that I'm now not really able to have sex with her even if I wanted to due to my lack of interest makes it a bit worse.

 

Any suggestions, would love to hear them. Cause I'm all out of ideas and feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

 

Thanks

[Mr. Lucky]

Any suggestions, would love to hear them. Cause I'm all out of ideas and feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

 

Thanks

Well, the easiest suggestion is marriage counseling. This part of your relationship is broken and it'd be nice to understand why. I'll bet if the sex heated back up your apathy would disappear overnight.

 

So why IC but no MC ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[lxndr]

Only doing IC at the moment because I'm currently the one with this having become an issue to which I feel it needs outside attention. I plan on suggesting MC soon, but being broke isn't helpful, and until she starts college, she doesn't have access to the counseling as far as I'm aware.

 

Just feel like I'm sleeping in a bed with a really close friend, and even then, I'm starting to feel awkward when she kisses me, wants a hug, or something. Currently, the plan stands to offer it up as, "Hey, so this is still a big problem between us. Think we need to do it for us to work, because I can't take this issue with me to grad school."

 

And when there is sex, it's not bad. Not German dungeon kinky, but we have fun and are comfortable with the sort we do. But this having been an issue for so long seems to have eliminated her as any sort of sexual avenue to me mentally, and thus I've turned her down now the last couple times. I haven't, and won't cheat on her. But, this needs some resolution; be it we fix it, or we go our separate ways.

[jackslife]

You're young, you don't have kids and financially I imagine that you're assets would be relatively straight forward to split.

 

So if I were you I'd divorce. Your wife is using sex as a weapon against you, it won't get better, it won't improve. Imagine the same excuses for the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years...

 

If you were knocking her about, everyone would tell her to get the hell out. She has withdrawn sex from you and will use it as a weapon for the rest of your married life.

 

Get out now before you have children and the splitting gets harder.

[spookysonata]

Mr Lucky and jacks life are both right. Find a good MC, and tell her you need to go.

If she won't or it doesn't get better, consider leaving. Does she understand how important this is to you?

You said you turned her down the last couple of times....so she did try to initiate? What did you tell her and how did she respond?

[Mr. Lucky]

Additionally, when she has initiated for sex, I just don't have any interest. I love her and find her beautiful, truly I do.

You're not the first person to post something like this and I never understand this approach. You're complaining that your marriage is "sexless" and your solution is to decline sex and shoot down her efforts to initiate? Huh ???

 

Happiness is a choice. Almost every decision has an option that leads more directly there. Blaming her in this regard might be misdirected...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lxndr]

You're not the first person to post something like this and I never understand this approach. You're complaining that your marriage is "sexless" and your solution is to decline sex and shoot down her efforts to initiate? Huh ???

 

Happiness is a choice. Almost every decision has an option that leads more directly there. Blaming her in this regard might be misdirected...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, I think you misunderstood, or I put it out there improperly.

The declination isn't an intentional thing on my end as though I'm attempting to show her how it feels, or anything of the sort. It... I don't know if it's just my mind/body reacting to not having sex on a regular basis with her or what it is. But, just when she tried to initiate, I wasn't aroused and just had no interest in doing it.

Giving her a taste of her own medicine, as it were, I don't feel would help the situation at all. Additionally, it only started about a month/month and a half ago, whereas her lack of sex has been ongoing for about 2 years. I understand where you're coming from, and rightly so to point it out, but not exactly what I intended.

You're young, you don't have kids and financially I imagine that you're assets would be relatively straight forward to split.

 

So if I were you I'd divorce. Your wife is using sex as a weapon against you, it won't get better, it won't improve. Imagine the same excuses for the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years...

 

If you were knocking her about, everyone would tell her to get the hell out. She has withdrawn sex from you and will use it as a weapon for the rest of your married life.

 

Get out now before you have children and the splitting gets harder.

 

Splitting assets I don't feel would be an issue. We're both pretty well clear on whats what, and we both manage our finances well.

It's actually the fact that I don't think we could support ourselves individually in a financial sense at the moment. No family in the area, all my friends are in another state/on deployment, she might be alright but still be extremely straining and we're already relatively strapped.

As for the next 5+ years, I can't. Two more is the max I'm willing to do, and even that sounds just awful, but... gotta try right?

Mr Lucky and jacks life are both right. Find a good MC, and tell her you need to go.

If she won't or it doesn't get better, consider leaving. Does she understand how important this is to you?

You said you turned her down the last couple of times....so she did try to initiate? What did you tell her and how did she respond?

 

I like to assume she knows how important it is to me. However, fact that I haven't been able to participate when she initiated the last couple times I'm afraid is telling her otherwise and likely to cause other problems.

She did try to initiate, and when I turned her down, it was simply due to me not being interested sexually: She came up and said something along the lines of "hey, we should go have sexy time." and I told her I wasn't really in the mood/feeling it at the time. She asked if she couldn't put me in the mood, and I said "not really..." and I apologized. She responded by saying okay, kissing me, and said could do it later or something.

[pteromom]

She did try to initiate, and when I turned her down, it was simply due to me not being interested sexually: She came up and said something along the lines of "hey, we should go have sexy time." and I told her I wasn't really in the mood/feeling it at the time. She asked if she couldn't put me in the mood, and I said "not really..." and I apologized. She responded by saying okay, kissing me, and said could do it later or something.

 

So she walked away from that interaction thinking "OK, I guess he doesn't really need or want sex, and he's doing fine without it." Or "I guess he isn't attracted to me anyway, so it doesn't matter that we aren't having sex."

 

You need to go communicate with her and tell her how you are feeling, in a very clear way. Tell her why you turned her down. Reassure her that you want her.

 

You guys have gotten into a very bad pattern. You've gotten to where you don't initiate because you don't want to be rejected. Yet, being "manly" and initiating is part of what turns women on.

 

Think back to when you were first dating and you were able to easily seduce her. You gotta be that guy again. I am sure you laughed a lot, flirted, was respectful to her, and was loving to her. Take her out somewhere you went on one of your first dates, and recreate that feeling. See what happens when you make her feel beautiful and connected to you.

 

It's likely that she has a much lower sex drive than you do. A woman who wants sex once a month isn't that uncommon. But there are things you can do to inspire her to want it more often. Maybe not twice a week, but maybe...

 

You can't control what she does or feels, but you can change the way you behave, to see if you can alter the usual patterns in your relationship.

 

It's worth a try before you throw in the towel.

[SummerDreams]

You're not the first person to post something like this and I never understand this approach. You're complaining that your marriage is "sexless" and your solution is to decline sex and shoot down her efforts to initiate? Huh ???

 

Happiness is a choice. Almost every decision has an option that leads more directly there. Blaming her in this regard might be misdirected...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There are some things you can't control when you feel them. This guy has had enough and his body and soul have gone to defensive stance, that's why he is reacting like this. His wife should take him and his issue seriously unless she wants to find the divorce papers on the table really soon.

[spookysonata]

There are some things you can't control when you feel them. This guy has had enough and his body and soul have gone to defensive stance, that's why he is reacting like this. His wife should take him and his issue seriously unless she wants to find the divorce papers on the table really soon.

 

Here's the thing, though. From what he says I don't see him saying clearly to her, "this no sex thing is a huge problem for me. I'm considering leaving you if things don't change." Seriously, be that blunt. "Assuming" makes an @$$ out of u and me, right?

 

OP, if i may make a suggestion. Next time she does initiate sex, or offer to get you in the mood, take her up on it. Even if you are not really into it at the time. The physical connection may help you remember why you loved her enough to marry her in the first place. Remember, loving feelings follow loving actions. Good luck.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing, though. From what he says I don't see him saying clearly to her, "this no sex thing is a huge problem for me. I'm considering leaving you if things don't change." Seriously, be that blunt. "Assuming" makes an @$$ out of u and me, right?

 

I disagree with this. I am all for communication, but he has to look at what his end goal is.

 

Does he want her to:

 

- agree to have sex with him more, even if she doesn't want it, out of fear of being left alone?

 

or

 

- be inspired and seduced and turned on so she actually desires sex with him?

 

Saying "I am going to leave you if you don't have sex with me more" is only going to cause resentment.

 

If they had a lot of sex in the beginning, he needs to reproduce the circumstances that led to her wanting lots of sex.

 

OP, if i may make a suggestion. Next time she does initiate sex, or offer to get you in the mood, take her up on it. Even if you are not really into it at the time. The physical connection may help you remember why you loved her enough to marry her in the first place. Remember, loving feelings follow loving actions. Good luck.

 

This, I agree with.

[GoBlue]

I have a very huge suggestion - do whatever it takes to get this marriage fixed! School, bills, dogs and everything else is secondary to you and your wife. Of course you "feel stuck" in this relationship because you don't know how to change it. There is soooo much help available if you are willing to do the leg work and find it. Individual counseling is great but have you and your wife done any counseling together? I am sorry if I am coming across as harsh, but I went through a divorce five years ago and I have not gotten over it yet. I wish every day that I am alive that I could go back ten years, grab myself by the nap of the neck, and shake some sense into that guy. What would I tell him? Do whatever it takes to fix this! The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence! You were drawn to your wife for a reason and relationships just can't be thrown aside without having a deep impact on your life.

 

You and your wife are very young and there are people who will tell you (especially since you have no kids) that you should just leave her and move on with your life. What guarantee do you have that the next relationship will be better? Most women struggle with sex because of relational issues not simply because they suddenly lost the urge. I would encourage you to consider an intensive counseling approach to resolving the issues between you and your wife. There is an organization called the National Institute of Marriage which specializes in this kind of therapy. Google it or send me a private message for more information. I can promise you one thing - in ten years you won't regret doing everything you could have done to save this marriage even if it ends up falling apart.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

[spookysonata]

I disagree with this. I am all for communication, but he has to look at what his end goal is.

 

Does he want her to:

 

- agree to have sex with him more, even if she doesn't want it, out of fear of being left alone?

 

or

 

- be inspired and seduced and turned on so she actually desires sex with him?

 

Saying "I am going to leave you if you don't have sex with me more" is only going to cause resentment.

 

If they had a lot of sex in the beginning, he needs to reproduce the circumstances that led to her wanting lots of sex.

 

You make a good point. Maybe he could do both; he still loves her and wants to be with her BUT she does need to know what a serious problem this is for him. It really is unfair to withhold sex from your spouse....They need to figure out together how to fix this, and communicating honestly is the best way.

[pteromom]

You make a good point. Maybe he could do both; he still loves her and wants to be with her BUT she does need to know what a serious problem this is for him. It really is unfair to withhold sex from your spouse....They need to figure out together how to fix this, and communicating honestly is the best way.

 

I agree he needs to continue communicating about how he feels. But since he's tried so many times and things temporarily improve then go back to same ol' problems, maybe it is time to try a whole new tactic. Maybe just forgetting about the issues and focusing on having fun with her will make a difference.

[lxndr]

So, when I said I wasn't really in the mood/into it at the time, it's also a physical thing. If mentally I'm not raring to go, then physically can't actually perform. I did try a couple times, but just... didn't work out. Figured, "Hey, may not be in the mood, but I don't get any as it is, so may as well take what I can get and hope she's trying to fix it." Couldn't get it going, as it were. Don't know if that's just part of me unconciously distancing myself or what.

 

I feel like I've been very clear to her about how I feel and how it's affecting our relationship. Told her on numerous ocassions that it makes me feel essentially worthless and unwanted that she doesn't want to have sex. Being rejected, I can handle rejection. But when it's literally just about every single time over the course of 2 years, it kinda takes a pretty decent blow to your self confidence. I haven't specifically said "Hey, we need to fix this or I'm leaving" yet. True. Haven't done that as of yet for the reasons pteromom listed of

Does he want her to:

 

- agree to have sex with him more, even if she doesn't want it, out of fear of being left alone?

 

or

 

- be inspired and seduced and turned on so she actually desires sex with him?

I do not want to have sex with someone that is doing it just to get it over with/wants to just lay there and let me get done with it. That's no good for anyone, and personally I feel if it's a consistent thing, hurts more than anything.

Monday I plan on talking to my IC about MC and what the options are, and then bringing them up to my wife. Just not really sure how to bring about the seriousness, and that there is a deadline, without coming off as a selfish prick.