How do I let go of anger and resentment I have for bf cheating?

[sodasot]

This is long, but i really need help.

How do I let go of all the anger and resentment I have for my boyfriend cheating on me 7 months ago?

 

My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky relationship. We met in Oct 2012, and hit it off immediately. I was 35, and he was 23. Initially,* we were both looking for fun. Neither one of us thought it would turn into anything. By January 2013, he asked me to be his gf and we both weren't seeing anyone else. Only the nights we weren't together, turns out he was. I find out he is seeing another girl casually the whole time and break up with him in April 2013. I sleep with someone else while broken up. He cries says hes stupid and young (blah blah) And I decide to try again. Everything is going great. He moves in with me June 2013. We start to get much more serious, and we discuss marriage. I was trying to relocate out of my state, and he starts looking for a job too in the state i want to move to in November 2013. He gets a job offer in Europe and turns it down to be with me. He says he's serious about marriage and moving.

There was always this girl Jennifer from his hometown he was friends with. He never kept their friendship a secret and I assumed they never hooked up since he said she used to visit where we live before he moved in with me, and used to hook up with his best friend. She was friends with his ex on Facebook,* and I even saw a text from him to her in the fall asking for her advice on what type of engagement ring he should buy me. She even "liked" all our photos together on Facebook and added me in November.* So to be clear, she was never a threat to me.

Boyfriend goes home for Thanksgiving. Sees his friends,* sees her, even makes a comment that stands out, "Jennifer got so drunk last night, she was being so slutty and hitting on everyone"

I just remember I thought it was odd.

He goes home for Christmas,* doesn't mention her once. He goes home again in mid January,* doesn't mention her, mentions all his other friends both times.

In February 2014, it just dawns on me I haven't heard him talk about her once since the holidays. I look on her Facebook since we were "friends" and I see we have zero friends in common when we obviously used to have him.

I ask him flat out if he cheated on me in December (I make a guess) he doesn't answer but seems uncomfortable and then says no. I say, "ok November?"

He admits he had "drunken" sex with Jennifer, and also admits he cheated on me once in July ( right after he moved in!!) with the same girl he was cheating with in the very beginning of our relationship.

I am devestated, because I thought we got past all this.

To top it off, he suffers from a huge porn addiction. I mean crippling. Not like once in a while like a normal guy. To the point where our sex has suffered due to him not being able to cum (because he jacked off too much that day) or being able to get hard, or only getting semi-hard.

After all this, I installed a keylogger on my computer. He borrows it because his broke, and I have 3. He will google porn, Jennifer's name, more porn. So I know he's watching porn and also looking at pictures of her. He also googles his best friend's attractive girlfriend and his half-cousin who is a famous model.

I am not unattractive. I am very slim, large breasts, long hair and DO NOT look my age.

I recently went on a work trip and met an Italian model who was perusing me the whole time I was there. By the third day, I got a knock on my hotel door one night, and it was the model.

I saw him every night until I left Italy, and we had amazing sex.

I haven't and won't tell my boyfriend...and I know this "eye for an eye" mentality is wrong. I think I did it for validation that I can be sexually desired by a man far more attractive than my boyfriend.

I did it so I could feel better about what he did with Jennifer and the fact he still googles her to jack off even though I'm sure they don't talk. Only of course I don't feel better, I actually feel nothing.

My boyfriend did find a job in the state we wanted to move to, and has been there a month waiting for me to come. He says he made a huge mistake with Jennifer and taking the job out of state is one way to show me he's a man now, and we need to move past the mistake he made.

Please? Any ideas? I do love him, but how do I trust and forgive? How do I even forget he obviously still thinks about Jennifer?

Edited July 10, 2014 by sodasot

[Zahara]

Both of you are not emotionally healthy or mature to have any sort of relationship. There's zero trust, no loyalty and no love. I'm not sure how this could work out when there's just so many red flags. Two toxic people attached to one another. This isn't love.

 

It would be best for you to let this relationship go.