should I talk to the BW? - Update

[glow worm]

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in awhile as I've been traveling overseas for a couple of months and I've now just come home to my committed man wanted to go from a PA to and EA (citing his guilt over having a physical affair, etc.) I asked him if we could please just end it right there and walk away and never speak again, he didn't understand and was saying how can we just throw away all of our years of relationship? anyway his pleading for me to keep seeing him was really attractive (pathetic I know) and I agreed. But I'm tired of all this emotional distress and I don't want to just wait around for him in an EA until he's ready for a PA again. I'm tired of this cycle. And I'm not going to give him any more years of my life, I'm nearly 27 and I've been with him since I was 22.

 

I've tried to get the strength to end it before. I've never been able to do it. I'm convinced I never will. Unless .... If I tell my committed man's partner, our relationship will definitely be over for good. No going back. Regardless of how she takes the news, she may forgive him, she may kick him out .... that's between them. But either way he would be furious with me for telling and our relationship would be wrecked beyond repair never to be resurrected. This is the main reason I want to tell her. It's the only way I know of making sure it's all over between us and I'll never be able to change my mind in a moment of weakness once it's done.

 

Secondarily, while I'm grieving the loss of the relationship, I would like to know that he is reaping the consequences of living his life at the expense of two women (me and her.) I am one of those OW who didn't get into this knowingly, I found out his relationship status long after falling for him. I was tricked. I would like nothing more for him to suffer the consequences.

 

Please tell me everyone am I delusional, crazy, or immature? Should I do this? Or is it a terrible idea? If it's an okay idea, how should I go about telling? I was thinking of calling her to make sure the message gets through to her.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Some people will say yes, others, hell no. My vote? As long as you're not taunting her, trying to do it out of spite, force him to choose YOU or planning into approach her with malice then I say yes, go for it. I firmly believe in telling the BS simply because living in the darkness would be hell for me and *I* certainly would want to know.

 

But honestly, no person is physically incapable of ending a relationship they know in their heart is no good for them. Your choice to stay with him all this time is just that, a choice. You are not a child, you're a grown ass woman. Name just one other thing you, as an adult need someone else's permission or require some outside influence to do? You can end this thing right now without talking to his wife, your priest, people on LS or anyone else. However, if you have convinced yourself that's the extra push you need then fine, pull the trigger.

[Ruffian1]

Please tell her, because it is the right, mature, integrity-having thing to do.

 

 

Wouldn't you want to know if the rolls were reversed?

[HBIC]

If I tell my committed man's partner, our relationship will definitely be over for good. No going back. Regardless of how she takes the news, she may forgive him, she may kick him out .... that's between them. But either way he would be furious with me for telling and our relationship would be wrecked beyond repair never to be resurrected. This is the main reason I want to tell her. It's the only way I know of making sure it's all over between us and I'll never be able to change my mind in a moment of weakness once it's done.

 

I told the BS. It worked like a charm to get out of the A. Just a warning, though, my xMM STILL reached out to me after I disclosed, so you may not have a 100% clean getaway from your MM. But YOUR mind will be in a different place and that is important.

 

A warning: you don't know how the BS will react. She could go crazy. Or she might leave you alone. Think carefully about her character based on what you know from all your years with this guy. Is she hot tempered and a fan of wild public spectacles? If so, you could be bringing epic drama upon yourself.

 

My recommendations:

1. Be extremely empathetic in any communication with her. It is likely that news of the A is going to hurt her tremendously no matter how she seems to you. Don't give her more detail than SHE asks, but do give her some sort of proof.

2. Go full NC with your MM. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's over. Block every way possible for him to communicate with you. It's critical to your healing.

3. Forget about "consequences" for MM in his M. That is totally beyond your control. The BS might stick her head in the sand and think you're a psycho. IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU need to worry about yourself ONLY, not MM's marriage.

 

I disagree with the earlier poster about how easy it should be to just walk away. Affairs are addictions for the MM and the OW. If you need help to break the addiction cycle, do it!!!!

 

Good luck.

[Goodbye]

I told my exMM's wife. It helped me move on. It didn't completely end things on his end...he has still broken NC. I think he is "watched" now though, and his contact has gotten a lot more sparse, which is good for me.

 

 

I told exMM's W via certified mail...a pretty straight forward letter. She followed up with an email wanting more details and then we had 2 phone conversations. After the last phone conversation I asked that she not contact me again, which she has so far respected.

 

 

Do what you need to do to get this guy out of your life. You are 27...go live your life openly, not on "reserve" for some man who can't give you himself.

[christine1958]

I've asked myself the same question. Maybe I should tell the BS to put an end to this affair. My MM has only told her that he and I have feelings for one another, not anything about the physical relationship.

 

HBIC makes some good points. Based on what you know of her, will she freak out, cause a scene or will she accept the news quietly? And however she reacts to him isn't your concern. I guess the question is will telling her get you what you want.

And what is it that you want... do you want your relationship over so you can move on?

[gettingstronger]

Have you tried counseling to help you be strong enough to walk away on your own- seems like you are giving him too much power in your life-

You stay with him even though he lied about his relationship status to you

You stay with him even though he sets all the parameters of your relationship (ie- EA or PA)

You stay with him even though he has someone else

You are depending on him to be so mad he never speaks to you again

 

Even if you tell the BW and your plan works-you are still the type of person that allows someone else to have too much power over you- that makes you too vulnerable for the next jerk-

 

You are young-now is the time to change the pattern of dependency in your relationships-

 

Good luck-

[goodyblue]

I don't believe in disclosure. BS's can go crazy. I know that there are stories of crazy OW on this site, but BS's are NO different.

 

There are stories that I have read right here on LS about BS's having the OW fired, telling her family/friends. Putting signs up in the neighborhood even.

 

Your life could be ruined from telling.

 

My advice is, if it is truly over in your heart and head, go NC and move on. You don't want your family to suffer, or you.

 

I know it's difficult, it hurts. But please, before you do anything to blow up your world, think it through long and hard.

 

Chin up. xx

[whichwayisup]

I'm nearly 27 and I've been with him since I was 22.

 

When did you find out that he wasn't single and was married?

 

Yes you should end it, wasting your love and energy on someone who isn't ever going to commit to you is pointless. You probably want marriage and children so the longer you stay with him the chances of having your own family isn't going to happen.

 

Tell or don't tell, seek counseling so you can get stronger to handle the fallout and what consequences that happen either way.

[HBIC]

I don't believe in disclosure...Your life could be ruined from telling.

 

But please, before you do anything to blow up your world, think it through long and hard.

 

The BS finding out about the A (from your actions or some other way maybe years down the line) could blow up your life. Or nothing might happen. Remember that one of the consequences for you in being in an A is the potential for the BS to go (understandably) nuts on you. It's not something most people consider during the rush of that first kiss with MM, but it's the reality of what can happen when you choose to mess with someone's marriage. I understand that MM tricked you at first, so the first kiss thing doesn't apply to your case. However, you STAYED once you knew, and every "kiss" you shared after knowing was risking your own ruin. And please note: BS rage and revenge could happen if you go NC with your MM and move to Siberia.

 

If you tell the BS, it brings things right into the blazing light of day. So, yes, you MUST consider very carefully what you might face:

1. Could you lose your job?

2. Would your family/friends/etc. finding out be devastating?

3. What if your name and face were plastered all over the internet as a homewrecker?

4. Could the BS harass you?

 

In my case, I knew the BS was extremely conflict-avoidant and obsessed with keeping up appearances. It was unlikely she was going to bring any attention to the situation. Head in the sand approach all the way. But, like you, I knew my MM would be steaming mad. How dare his little possession (me) actually act with autonomy? My act of "defiance" was ME saying enough was enough in a loud and clear way (to myself, at least). Like Goodbye's ex, my xMM still has no concept of boundaries. His problem, not mine.

 

Also, in my situation, the options for the BS to take revenge were limited, which definitely was a factor in my decision to disclose. Who knows, though, maybe she'd like to serve her revenge as an ice cold dish? One can never really know what others are capable of or what might happen in life.

 

Consider your situation and knowledge (albeit limited) of the BS very carefully and then take action to end the A once and for all. NC is a must either way.

Do a cost/benefit analysis of what a "crazy" BS might do VS. the horrific psychological abuse of not ending the A with finality.

 

If you need the severing action of disclosure to the BS AND can accept that you can't control the BS's reaction, I say, go for it. NOTHING is worth staying in a cycle of abuse. NOTHING. But, please, be empathetic. What goes around comes around.

 

Remember you aren't alone. We're here to help. (hugs)

Edited July 10, 2014 by HBIC

[glow worm]

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm still undecided because I want to make sure this is really the step I want to take before I do it, because it's irreversible.

 

To answer a couple questions that were posted, I found out about his partner about two years after our relationship began. Most of this time was long distance, so that's how he was able to hide how things really were. Once I moved to the same city as him, and we didn't ride off into the sunset together like I expected, I realized something was up. I do take responsibility for not ending it when I found out about his partner, that was a poor choice that I made.

 

As far as possible repercussions people have mentioned, I'm a third year medical student. I had a counseling appointment with one of the faculty a few months ago, and this affair came up in conversation, so they actually already know my situation and I don't think it would affect my studies at all. I live in this country pretty much all alone, my family and friends are all on the other side of the world. BS would have to work really hard to find them, as my CM doesn't even know who they are and they don't use social media or anything. I realize she could go absolutely nuts, though, although I don't think she will. She seems like a really great person from what I know about her. Very stable, 43, owns her own creative company. I don't think she will go all crazy, but you never know.

Edited July 11, 2014 by glow worm
grammar.

[whichwayisup]

I do take responsibility for not ending it when I found out about his partner, that was a poor choice that I made.

 

If you end up telling her, do own your part in the affair don't just put it all on him. Apologize for hurting her and being a part of her husband's betrayal.

 

I'm a third year medical student. I had a counseling appointment with one of the faculty a few months ago, and this affair came up in conversation, so they actually already know my situation and I don't think it would affect my studies at all.

 

Be sure before you tell. You have no idea what the fallout could be and the consequences coming your way. You're in your 3rd year of med school (congrats and I hope you excel in your career once you graduate) so keep in mind school is your main focus...You don't want major distractions or anything to keep you from doing well.

[HBIC]

I'm still undecided because I want to make sure this is really the step I want to take before I do it, because it's irreversible.

 

This is smart. Considering possible outcomes is always a good strategy before irreversible action.

 

I found out about his partner about two years after our relationship began...I do take responsibility for not ending it when I found out about his partner, that was a poor choice that I made.

Sorry I was so harsh before. It's hard to extricate oneself from a situation once love is involved. Sounds like you have a strong moral center in that you know it was wrong. Don't beat yourself up too much about the A. We all make mistakes and learn in life.

 

As far as possible repercussions people have mentioned, I'm a third year medical student. I had a counseling appointment with one of the faculty a few months ago, and this affair came up in conversation, so they actually already know my situation and I don't think it would affect my studies at all. I live in this country pretty much all alone, my family and friends are all on the other side of the world. BS would have to work really hard to find them, as my CM doesn't even know who they are and they don't use social media or anything. I realize she could go absolutely nuts, though, although I don't think she will. She seems like a really great person from what I know about her. Very stable, 43, owns her own creative company. I don't think she will go all crazy, but you never know.

 

Honestly (and I'm only a total stranger from internet land) you are in an outstanding position to blow his cover. Your faculty advisor was absolutely right: an angry BS CANNOT get you kicked out of school. If you stay in this horrible emotional rollercoaster, however, you are choosing to expend your precious energy on a vampiric guy who uses you for his amusement instead of focusing on your studies. If your family/friends are far away, that means there is a cultural disconnect. There's no way that the BS, no matter how crazy she goes, is going to impact your family situation.

 

Tell her. Gather up your strength and pull the trigger. Then go absolute NC with MM. You will be AMAZED at how wonderful you'll feel. Seriously. It's like a rebirth.

 

Give yourself the gift of a new life where you are in a loving partnership with an equal exchange of energy.

 

It's a harsh world. Us girls have to stick together. I'm rooting for you.

[glow worm]

Thank you so much for the input HBIC. It's truly helpful. I do believe that ending this is the best thing for me, and even though I should have made this decision earlier, I can make it now.

 

Unfortunately, I have to wait for at least six more days before I can act on any of these thoughts, as yesterday committed man and his partner jetted off on a short vacay to celebrate his 40th birthday. gag. It's going to be such a great weekend for me, thinking about them off together on a special trip. Perhaps the upside is that he won't be calling me during that time and I'll be able to pull my thoughts together to end it without his pleading with me to please keep seeing him.

[georgia girl]

While I am typically a fan of telling - I would want to know- in this case, I think the breakup has to come from inside of you. Being ble to break up with someone you still care for is a critical and valuable life and dating skill. The next guy may not be this same situation but it could still be bad for you. You need how to say no - even if it hurts - to protect yourself. Your ability to date safely and well is at stake here and you are only 27.

 

Hugs, GG

[pixiecut]

don't do it, as the reason you want to is to force the end that you are unable to make yourself stick to. involving her may have very negative consequences for you, she may go full expose and damage your reputation. he may end up blaming you for chasing him in attempts to gain some sympathy from the wife to reconcile, and you know most betrayed women would rather hang full blame on the third party than face the painful fact that a person who owed them loyalty turned out to be a cheating scum. she may retaliate by trashing your rep and do you really need additional pain of him denying you and blaming you for something that he is equally responsible for? let go of wanting to make him pay for what he did to both of you. as much as it hurts you knowingly got involved with a committed person. in all cases the third party always loses, even if he leaves her and commits to you. you're still the home wrecker, the unfortunate way ppl view these things and all. walk away and let it all go. you're only 27, you have a full life ahead of yourself, with someone who can be exclusively with you and give you what you deserve

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for the input HBIC. It's truly helpful. I do believe that ending this is the best thing for me, and even though I should have made this decision earlier, I can make it now.

 

Unfortunately, I have to wait for at least six more days before I can act on any of these thoughts, as yesterday committed man and his partner jetted off on a short vacay to celebrate his 40th birthday. gag. It's going to be such a great weekend for me, thinking about them off together on a special trip. Perhaps the upside is that he won't be calling me during that time and I'll be able to pull my thoughts together to end it without his pleading with me to please keep seeing him.

 

Do your best NOT to think of him on his trip with his partner. All that will do is ruin your weekend and make you feel worse. Keep busy and make plans with some friends, do something fun to keep your mind from wandering...

 

Bolded part. BE strong. Don't let him manipulate you! He IS going to try every trick in the book to woo you and not let you go. Fight it hard. If you want it over, make it over. It'll hurt but the pain won't kill you, it'll make you stronger and wiser as time goes on.

[Lovemesomehim]

Because of the choices you and your mm made, is it really fair to hurt her, after you have decided to end the relationship?

 

 

After finding out he was married, why didn't you bring it to her attention then?

 

 

True, you should not suffer alone so tell her, she should suffer too. Not being sarcastic but the reality of it all is, why tell her now?

[glow worm]

... and now I want to die. I told him I don't want to ever see him again. I have decided against telling his partner for the time being (for those of you who read my post last week.) I feel so alone in this world.

[pixiecut]

hang in there. if you ended it, its because it was the right thing to do for you. cling to it. this is just withdrawal and panic of giving up something. you will get through it and move on to something that will truly make you happy. try to keep yourself busy even though it is difficult. life goes on. give yourself time to mourn and hurt but try to remember in time it will get easier

[sisa]

I have been through this mood as yours, cry loud to release your pain instead doing the things hurt yourself.

 

I wanted to die and feel alone sometimes before too, but if you do this, he will not feel hurt but what you hurt the most will be your family. life is beautiful, your MM is not the best man in the world.

[glow worm]

Thank you so much for your words of support pixiecut and sisa. This is a really trying time for me and it somehow helps to be reminded I'm not the only person in the world going through something like this.

[HBIC]

... and now I want to die. I told him I don't want to ever see him again. I have decided against telling his partner for the time being (for those of you who read my post last week.) I feel so alone in this world.

 

Breathe. Just breathe. Everything IS going to be OK. You are just passing through a really tough time. Wanting to die because the experience is painful is just a feeling and feelings change. Give yourself a chance to heal and let yourself go through this process. This guy had major involvement in your life and you cut a cord. It's going to sting for awhile.

 

Trust me, it hurts, but only for as long as you focus on him. If you stay away from MM you will start to feel better and better and better and better. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

[SoleMate]

I'm so sorry for your pain, glow worm. You did the right thing...you have chosen a painful ending rather than a pain that never ends. I'd recommend just letting the pain happen. Let the tears come..... (you may not have a choice). Forgive yourself. Be good to yourself. Reach out to honest people who truly care about you. Hugs.

[enya46]

Hi glow worm, what happened after the 17th July? You said you had ended it and asked him not to contact you again.

Did he not accept your decision?