Husband uses me as one of his many excuses to his boss for not going to work!

[pink_sugar]

I just cannot muster up any sympathy for this guy with a high paying unionized job where he can take all kinds of time off and get away with it. A lot of us would kill to have a job like that in this economy. If he doesn't like his job, he can look for something else...though I doubt he will get paid nearly as much with less job security.

[Mapper71]

Don't feel guilty. He makes plenty to be on his own. All he needs to do is get out of bed and go to work.

 

He has $270 a check taken out for child support, another $130 for loans, another $70 for union dues, another nearly $100 for cafeteria plus all usual taxes. Yet he could still be bringing home at least $1000 a check. Then he has to pay off 2 credit cards (up until a year ago he had none but then he got one and then got another via Amazon to get a lower price on something and now he's built that up) student loans and IF he paid his share of bills and mortgage that would be another at least $1100. He'd still be negative.

[SJS]

I hate it! I'm too flipping shy and meek to stand up to him about it though because he WILL turn it right around on me. How I don't understand what he has to go through at work.

So you come here and crab about it instead of actually DOING something?

 

 

You have codependent written all over you.

[CarrieT]

Just plain guilt. Even though I have every right to yell at him and leave I would feel bad about bringing down his self esteem even more.

 

Why does it have to involve yelling? You can calmly and rationally explain that his not working and irresponsibility is damaging to you and the marriage.

 

Period.

 

End of sentence.

 

Seriously, I think you thrive on these continual threads of looking for pity when you refuse to take any actions on your behalf.

[pink_sugar]

He has $270 a check taken out for child support, another $130 for loans, another $70 for union dues, another nearly $100 for cafeteria plus all usual taxes. Yet he could still be bringing home at least $1000 a check. Then he has to pay off 2 credit cards (up until a year ago he had none but then he got one and then got another via Amazon to get a lower price on something and now he's built that up) student loans and IF he paid his share of bills and mortgage that would be another at least $1100. He'd still be negative.

 

I'm still not feeling it for this guy. I make less than half of what he does per hour and on part time and I'm managing $200 in student loans each month and paying off a bunch of debt myself. He actually reminds me a LOT of my stepdad. He either skips work or goes to work for 3-5 hours and comes home because he doesn't feel like working full time. If your husband really is not managing on $36 an hour, he really needs to look closely at his expenses and habits and cut down. My husband and I made $11 and $12 an hour not long ago (part time too!) and still managed to get our $1550 rent each month paid. It was very difficult, but we did it. We also did not have any financial help.

Edited July 17, 2014 by pink_sugar

[SJS]

Here's a good article about being the martyr in a relationship. Mapper you should read it.

 

 

Are You A Relationship Martyr? | Psychology Today

[Mapper71]

I'm still not feeling it for this guy. I make less than half of what he does per hour and on part time and I'm managing $200 in student loans each month and paying off a bunch of debt myself. He actually reminds me a LOT of my stepdad. He either skips work or goes to work for 3-5 hours and comes home because he doesn't feel like working full time. If your husband really is not managing on $36 an hour, he really needs to look closely at his expenses and habits and cut down. My husband and I made $11 and $12 an hour not long ago (part time too!) and still managed to get our $1550 rent each month paid. It was very difficult, but we did it. We also did not have any financial help.

 

Well he has ALWAYS sucked at saving. He said he used to come back from 3 months of commercial fishing with $75000 and it would be gone in no time on motorcycles and alcohol. They'd come in to dock and he'd easily go spend $1000 at the bars with his buddies buying drinks for everyone.

[CarrieT]

Well he has ALWAYS sucked at saving. He said he used to come back from 3 months of commercial fishing with $75000 and it would be gone in no time on motorcycles and alcohol. They'd come in to dock and he'd easily go spend $1000 at the bars with his buddies buying drinks for everyone.

 

Did you know this before you married him? And did you believe that marriage would some how get him to be different?

[Mapper71]

He actually went into work today! He texted his boss yesterday that he would be in but had gone to the doctor and is to be on light duty for the next 2 weeks due to his knee problems. If this indeed was the reason all along as to why he wasn't going into work (which I doubt) then WHY didn't he go see his doctor a week ago??! Doctor said it may be an ACL tear and if it isn't better in 2 weeks then they will do an MRI and it may require surgery. I am guessing H would love to have have surgery because then he can be out of work for a couple of months and get paid for it!

[CarrieT]

You didn't answer my previous question...

[Mapper71]

You didn't answer my previous question...

Yes he has sucked at money from the moment I met him. And yes he told me he would do better and save his money but it never happened. Gullible me!

[CarrieT]

So now you realize how gullible you were and you are clearly not happy with the arrangement.

 

What steps can you - or intend to do - to mitigate the circumstances other than starting another ranting thread that changes nothing?

[Mapper71]

So now you realize how gullible you were and you are clearly not happy with the arrangement.

 

What steps can you - or intend to do - to mitigate the circumstances other than starting another ranting thread that changes nothing?

 

I CAN leave but I won't. I will continue on as is always hoping something will change. I realize that ranting does absolutely nothing but it feels good to get it out of my system.

[CarrieT]

Okay, so you WON'T leave.

 

Besides "hoping," do you think there is anything you can do to make your situation better for all involved?

[pink_sugar]

Here's a good article about being the martyr in a relationship. Mapper you should read it.

 

 

Are You A Relationship Martyr? | Psychology Today

 

Op, you would benefit from reading the above.

[Mapper71]

Op, you would benefit from reading the above.

 

Yup...I can say yes to just about all those! Call me Mapper the Martyr!

[Mapper71]

Actually, I don't think he went to work at all! Checked our phone records and at 4:20AM just a few minutes after he got in the car and left he called the attendance line as he does every morning he doesn't go in! Then there are a few texts between his boss and him and he has currently been on Facebook for the past 20 minutes! God dammit!!! Him not going to work is bad enough in itself but then him leaving the house like he's going to work and calling in and then going to have breakfast or something for a few hours and then coming home after I leave for work and pretending like he was at work all day is horrible!!! Why in THE HELL did he text his boss yesterday afternoon, unprompted by anything, saying that he would be in in the morning and then pull this crap??? I CANNOT wait to read the texts when I get home!

[Eivuwan]

I CAN leave but I won't. I will continue on as is always hoping something will change. I realize that ranting does absolutely nothing but it feels good to get it out of my system.

 

Why do you want to live like this?

[pink_sugar]

Actually, I don't think he went to work at all! Checked our phone records and at 4:20AM just a few minutes after he got in the car and left he called the attendance line as he does every morning he doesn't go in! Then there are a few texts between his boss and him and he has currently been on Facebook for the past 20 minutes! God dammit!!! Him not going to work is bad enough in itself but then him leaving the house like he's going to work and calling in and then going to have breakfast or something for a few hours and then coming home after I leave for work and pretending like he was at work all day is horrible!!! Why in THE HELL did he text his boss yesterday afternoon, unprompted by anything, saying that he would be in in the morning and then pull this crap??? I CANNOT wait to read the texts when I get home!

 

A lot of women stay in these situations for the kids or because there is no way out financially. Not only is he not going to work, he's being dishonest about it. You have the means to be on your own, you should do it.

[SJS]

Yup...I can say yes to just about all those! Call me Mapper the Martyr!

 

Ummm...it's not funny, nor cute, and definitely something you don't want to be proud of.

[Mr. Lucky]

I CAN leave but I won't. I will continue on as is always hoping something will change. I realize that ranting does absolutely nothing but it feels good to get it out of my system.

If you won't fix this, what help can we offer you in a forum like this?

 

You won't hold him accountable. You make excuses for him. There's no consequences to what he's doing. You run around behind him and fix everything.

 

A better question would be "Why should he go to work?" He's got a pretty sweet set up ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mapper71]

If you won't fix this, what help can we offer you in a forum like this?

 

You won't hold him accountable. You make excuses for him. There's no consequences to what he's doing. You run around behind him and fix everything.

 

A better question would be "Why should he go to work?" He's got a pretty sweet set up ...

 

Mr. Lucky

You know, I'm not expecting anything to come from my posts. I just want to put those out there so everyone can see how much ridiculous BS he comes up with and gets away with. Not just with me, but with everyone else around him. To get some kind of validation from everyone that this isn't a normal thing and try and understand how he can continue to get away with this with everyone around him. Me letting him get away with it is one thing but everyone else allowing it too is unbelievable!

 

 

This is just what happened since last Thursday. Found this out from reading his texts when he wasn't around. After not being at work for 7 days straight, he sends a message to his manager on Thursday afternoon around 2PM saying that he will report for duty tomorrow after stopping by medical at work and doctor has him on light duty for 2 weeks. Friday he goes to medical at 5AM (I thought he was once again pulling the crap of leaving for work but then just going to have breakfast somewhere until I left for work and then coming home) and at 5:45 sends a message to his manager saying "Oh just reread text from yesterday. Was going to come in after 8AM doctor appt and report to medical but then figured I should do that before my appt. Sorry I wasn't clear in previous text. Am at medical now." Wasn't CLEAR??!! You said NOTHING about a doctor's appt! And funny how he ALWAYS manages to get that fake 8AM appt every time! Manager texts him at about 7AM saying that if he is close by then to stop at his desk and "glad to have him back"! Really?? you are glad to have him back??? H stops by his desk and apparently they go over some days that he was out and H says that manager is trying to find some way to find fault in what he did and saying he didn't have it covered. Well duh! How the hell does he remember what excuse was used for what day? Then there's a text to manager at about 8:30 that is absolutely absurd! It says "In my haste to get here (doctor's office) I went to the wrong place. They will still see me but now am on standby and it may be a few hours. I may need an MRI. I'll just take off with sick time today and be in on Monday". OH MY GOD! How can he keep his lies straight?! He was right there at work and still left after being there for 2 hours and that was just for medical!

 

I realize that I don't confront him on this stuff and let him get away with a lot. Doesn't matter if I told him what I knew anyways because he would find a way to throw it back on me and make it look like I am the one at fault. But to see that his doctor continually lets him get out of work. Even H says "Oh doctor knows what's up. He just wants to do what I want". Then his boss letting him get away with obvious BS reasons as to why he can't be at work. H tells me that after this 2 week light duty he's going to go back to the doctor and tell him that his knee still hurts and needs to be on light duty for at least another month. He says he's got this whole plan worked out. Says the manager in this new area he'll be working in really loves him so he's going to try and get in with him and get transferred there. But then he told someone else the day before that he's trying to get on the crane crew. But then told someone else the day before that he wants to leave his job altogether and go work on the ferries. What DO you want?? The doctor told him that if his knee isn't better after keeping off of it for 2 weeks that he may need an MRI to see if the ACL is torn and if that's the case then he'd need surgery. I tell H that he IS going to get an MRI if things don't get better right? He goes "I don't have to get one. It's my choice." Really? So you want to continue with knee pain so you can continually get a light duty note from your doctor rather than fix it? And my guess is the doctor will continue to give him these notes as long as H wants him to.

[pink_sugar]

It looks like it's slowly starting to catch up with him. How old are you two I must ask? I think most of us here are wondering why you willingly put up with this crap as you wonder why everyone else does. He'll soon enough be caught in his lie and what will you do when he is no longer working and mooching off of you?

[Mapper71]

It looks like it's slowly starting to catch up with him. How old are you two I must ask? I think most of us here are wondering why you willingly put up with this crap as you wonder why everyone else does. He'll soon enough be caught in his lie and what will you do when he is no longer working and mooching off of you?

 

It's embarrassing to tell you his age because he sounds like he's 18! He is 46 and I am 42. You are right. If I saw anyone else going through this I'd say "Why the hell are you putting up with his crap?" I see it as it as there's always hope but I know there isn't at this point. I think he will always be employed somewhere (he has to for child support payments and insuring his daughter for medical and dental) but whether he will be at one he goes to full time is another story.

 

I have had a few Friday's where I call into work for a long weekend and say that I came down with something overnight or my car is running and I feel SO bad about lying. The next Monday I come into work everyone is so concerned with how I'm feeling or what the car issue was. To do that once every 4 or 5 months for me is bad so I just cannot imagine how H can lie day after day with excuses that are getting more and more absurd!

[pink_sugar]

It's embarrassing to tell you his age because he sounds like he's 18! He is 46 and I am 42. You are right. If I saw anyone else going through this I'd say "Why the hell are you putting up with his crap?" I see it as it as there's always hope but I know there isn't at this point. I think he will always be employed somewhere (he has to for child support payments and insuring his daughter for medical and dental) but whether he will be at one he goes to full time is another story.

 

I have had a few Friday's where I call into work for a long weekend and say that I came down with something overnight or my car is running and I feel SO bad about lying. The next Monday I come into work everyone is so concerned with how I'm feeling or what the car issue was. To do that once every 4 or 5 months for me is bad so I just cannot imagine how H can lie day after day with excuses that are getting more and more absurd!

 

He may be required to make child support payments, but if he were to lose this job...the economy isn't what it used to be. Jobs, especially ones that pay THAT well are hard to come by and I doubt your H would make it through probation anywhere else at the rate he is going.