I finally left.........I have to fight the urge to call!

[smile95]

Well after 2 and a half yrs of hurt and emotional abuse, I finally ended it with my guy. Well, he would not speak to me, so I had to resort to texting him I am done. Sad huh? HE never fits me in his busy life and last week it hit me that he will never change and never has taken an interest in my life. only his. It is a LDR and I never see him. We were very much in love and I know we love each other, but he really makes me miserable by the games he plays. I have to stick to it this time. Can anyone give advice on how not to call him? In my head all I remember are the good times and I get sad and just want to hear his voice! I know it is the right decision, but right now, I just want to hear from him. What he usually does is ignore me until I stop calling him and then calls and we are back to square one. I guess I have to just not answer. Any ideas on how to not sit home and miss him? AS much as Iwant it over, it would be nice if he had SOME reaction to me leaving.

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Make yourself a list somewhere of all the reasons that you broke up with him. Post it somewhere where you will see it on a regular basis (and if you need to, by the phone). Someone else made this suggestion to me recently and I have found it to be great advice. It took me a couple of years to truly have my relationship with my ex be over, but I am so happy that I finally did it. It wasn't worth all of the back and forth that we had. Over four years... Just not worth it.

 

Go out with your friends, keep a journal, do all of the things that you love. Spoil yourself. Focus on you.

[smile95]

THanks Shamen

 

I hope this gets easier, it is not like he did something TO ME but I know he treats me bad. I still love him, but know I have to let go for me. I have tried the list and it helps, but I still see couples or hear songs and miss him. Do you truly feel you are better off by letting go of your relationship? Do you still talk? Were you in love?What made you call it off?

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

If he treats you poorly, he treats you poorly. 'Nuff said. I feel for you; I love my ex. I probably will always love my ex for the rest of my life, but I know that he is a bad choice for me.

 

I still hear lots of music that reminds me of him and sometimes I even put on music that expressly reminds me of me just for me to FEEL for him, even though I know that nothing will come of it. It's helping me to get over him. I also listen to lots of loud angry break up music that makes me feel angry for what he did to me.

 

Yes, I feel better letting go of my relationship. He was, and always will be an alcoholic. He's also got drug issues. No, we aren't really talking right now. Yes, I was very much in love with him. I still am. The alcoholic/drug issue thing was the deal breaker for me. He also was so drunk on New Year's that he hit on another woman in front of me. I'd had enough...

 

I feel for you saying that he never fit you into his life. That's the way that it always seemed with my ex. "I've got to go here and there and over there" when he was in town (he traveled for work) and it just felt like there was never any time for me, supposedly the most important thing in his life. Yeah, right. It certainly never seemed that way.

 

Again, maybe things were different with you and your ex. I don't know. But, if you are seriously unhappy and you've tried to resolve issues and nothing is changing, then you should do what you feel that you need to do. You WILL be OK without him. It's taken me years to realize that and a therapist as well.

 

What's been going on with the two of you?

 

Many hugs, Shamen

[moon]

Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy (for you). What are you getting from it? I'd do a little more than text him that you're done. I'd send one of those nice long e-mails with bullet points about why you feel the relationship should end. Tell him to please respect your privacy and allow you to move on because he's been pretty neglectful to the relationship and you're sick of doing all the work. Tell him you've enjoyed the happy memories you've shared together, but you are not in a position to have this type of relationship anymore. Wish him luck in his future endevours. Tell him you'll be sure to name your first child after him (j/k). Thank him for allowing you to realize the opposite you want in your future relationship (geez now I just sound mean).

 

Then screen calls from now on. That sounds horribly harsh, but it sounds like this guy barely wants to be in the relationship anyway. You have to be firm with yourself. If he wants to have a few post break up chats, well then give him that, but you really have to put it into your head that you're moving on. Of course you would love to have a good relationship with him, but do you want to continue to maintain the type of relationship you are having with him now? Picture yourself five years down the road doing the exact same thing with this guy. Could you handle that? Cut the cord. This guy sounds more like a quick fix to you and not a candidate for a beneficial relationship. Good luck. Break ups do sucks. Just admit that very thing. You can't sugar coat it. Break ups are horrible (for most people). You just have to ride out the pain. Eventually, eventually, eventually you'll come to a day when you'll think damn I wish I ditched that loser years ago. I'm not saying this guy is a loser. But it sounds like you're doing back flips for him and yet he's just watching you squirm. Not fun.

[joeyNoelle]

This sounds similsr to something I'm going through.. i broke up with m bf wo weeks ago...we were only together for four months but it still hurts ,although i know in a matter of a wek or two i will probably be fine..just because we weren't together all that long, Iam still young.only 21 and have alot going on..life goes on..it really does.

 

Keep busy....watch funny movies..don't torture yourself by rehashing things in your own mind...the fact that he deosn't seem to concerned that u left isn't a good sign..he seems knd of indifferent..and to be honest you know you deserve better than that.. thats why you left right?

 

My ex bf called and messaged for a week after the breakup...i think he thought he had a chance to get back with me..he called on valentines day twice left 2 messages but i didn't respond.....until days later when i just thanked him for the aplology he left for me he still wanted to talk . but there is nothing to say at that point..we had rehashed this same subject over and over in arguments he never changed and he wasn't ever going to ..that was just who he was...i wanted him to be something he wasn't ..its not his fault just how it was...

 

..so i keep telling myself I chose to end things for a reason..yes you miss them..you just want to speak to them. about what .. you don't really know..just anything .. but at the end of the day what is the real point..it is over you made that choice .. why drag something out.

 

YOU KNOW U MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. Don't go back don't look back..if a relationship comes to the point where u have to break up with someone obviously things aren't working for you...why would you want to go back to that when there are soo many ppl out there who would be willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated wothout having to ask them for it and not get it every time.

 

Best way to deal with things is..just don't contact them everyday just get through that day..the last 2 times me and ex had contact was with me sending a message him responding, it was to tie up loose ends... I still have this urge to hear from him..but i would be very surprised if i did.. because he realizes now that its over..i won't contact him again..coz at this point that would be a selfish ego boost thing for me..because he always responds..it would just make it more painful for him...So consider just letting it go....you can make contact but only if you feel strong enough that you won't take them back no matter what they say..otherwise avoid it..thats why i did not answer his calls.

 

Goodluck stay strong..keep busy

[smile95]

Thank you to all that have replied. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help. I am ok so far today. Kinda sad and kinda still hoping he will call. THe thing is....he does this all the time. Ignores me and then after he sees I am not calling him, he calls. It is a pattern and I hate it. Usually I sayI am done and then I give in. Not this time. I am done playing games. We are 30 and we act like we are in HS. I am not sure why he will never discuss our problems and says we are "fine". I am trying to stay strong. I get the urge to call him, but imagine how I will feel if he does not answer. I am trying the list to see that he is wrong for me. THe thing is I still love this man. Maybe I always will. When we are together, we are great! But since it is LD, we are rarley together. THis sucks. One minute I am strong and the next I am so weak. The emotional roller coaster is not worth it. Thanks for listening. I am glad to see that there are others in my shoes. (well not glad you are all going thru this, but you know what I mean)

[smile95]

Well I have done great by not calling him, but now I miss him and want to just hear his voice. God, I miss him. I feel like crying. Everyone says not to call and that will only make it worse. How am I ever going to get over him! This is not very fun I must say! I wish I hated him, but I do not!

[shamen]

Beth,

 

What happened between the two of you? Did you post somewhere else about what you were going through before you left? I just returned to LS after a long absence.

 

If you want to be away from him, you're doing the right thing by not talking to him. Could you see yourself married to this man with the state the relationship is in currently? If not, why waste your time unless you're really not into getting married? But even then, is it worth is staying in a relationship where your partner just makes you sad?

 

I'm not really the marrying type, so that's why I think that I stayed with my ex for so long. Finally I just realized that regardless, he just makes me unhappy. I actually talked to him today. We've got to finalize the last exchange of stuff. It's going to suck. I miss him, but I know that all he's going to bring me is pain, so I'm never going to go back to him.

[smile95]

I have posted before and it is a long story. We are very much in love and LDR. However he is going thru a div and never communicates. After 3 yrs of this I have had enough. He never would call on a daily basis and always was busy with work. He never got me anything for xmas, v-day,and never acknowledged my b-day. He would blow off out problems and say we were fine. He has done this 3 other times where he gets overwhelmed with work and evertrhing and takes a break from me and never talks! I have told him i am sick over this and need to talk to him and i love him and he ignores me. Usually this last for a while. This time, I cannot go back. I am miserable with him and without. He really treated me bad unless we were togheter. Then it was fin.e Bottom line, he knows i am hurt now and will not talk to me. I guess I am dealing with getting over him and its rough. Esp when he will not talk. Are you sure each day will get better??? Does not feel like it now. I have to get it un my head i deserve better!

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

How are things going with you? Did you make the final cut and break it off with him? Yes, I'm absolutely sure that things will get better. It's been 2 months now for me and I'm going to my therapist, going to they gym and hanging out with my friends. Life looks a lot better on this side of the equation.

 

The healing process is happening slowly but surely...

[smile95]

well I am hurt. He is ignoring me and I am a week of NC with him. I miss him, but if I really think about it, I do not know what I miss? THe pain, the waiting, the ignoring me? I really hope my feelings fade. I do miss spending time with him. I will take your word that things get better. Right now, I just want to lay in bed and cry and wonder how he could treat me like crap and do this! I am glad things are looking up for you though.

[shamen]

You miss the intimacy, the friendship, the physical contact. That's why you miss him. It's completely normal...

 

Good for you, a week of NC! I can't tell you how many days I cried and didn't want to get up. Have your list handy to remind yourself of why you left. Are you going out with your friends? Keeping active physically? The endorphins help, for real!

 

I subscribed to your thread, so I'll be sure to check in when you post.

[smile95]

I am glad that is normal to feel this way. I have no motivation to hit the gym. I barely can function at work. It is taking a toll on me. I have my list, but I read it and sometimes it does not help? How can I love this man!!!! I guess I feel rejected and that is not a good feeling. I gave him everything and this will just take a while to realize he was not who I thought. Do you talk to your ex at all?

[shamen]

I know that you have no motivation to hit the gym or work out, but this is the perfect time to FORCE yourself to get out there. You'll look better, you'll feel better... It's so amazing when I'm done working out and I'm stretching at the end of my workout, I think to myself, "God, I didn't want to come here, but holy s***, do I feel good right now." The endorphins will help you become less depressed about the entire breakup.

 

Of course you're wondering why you were with a guy who you let treat you like crap. We all wonder this after we're out of the relationship, but that's no reason to beat yourself up about it. Yeah, we both were in relationships that were bad for us, but it's now time to let that part of it go and realize that you did the right thing by walking away. It's time to focus on YOU and feed your habits, your hobbies. Go out with your friends. Force yourself to get out of bed and the healing process starts to begin. Even if you don't want to, just get UP!!! I know that you can do it.

 

I have talked to my ex on the phone exactly 7 times since I broke up with him. He called twice and I just kept the conversation really short. The other 3 we've been dealing with the "final exchange of stuff." And once I ran into him out at a bar. I fled. He was all touchy feely with me, and, what a surprise, wasted. I'm hoping that he finally realizes it's over. I did get back together with him late September of last year. That lasted 3 months. What a stupid decision. I missed out on an opportunity with a good guy in the meantime... Ah well. Live and learn.

[smile95]

thanks for your thoughts. I will try to gt out there. I just wish I had closure. I wish he would tell me it was over. Because like last time, after a while he called and made me feel bad for him and I went back in sept too! I am going to a movie with a guy friend tonight, so at least I am showering and not sleeping!!! thank you! It helps to read others in the same spot. Will I stop hoping to hear from him too??? How do you recommend I find closure if he will not even talk to me?

[shamen]

Don't buy into the "making you feel bad for him" crap. That's why I went back too. NOT worth it. Don't worry about the closure thing from him. You've already texted him because he was ignoring you to tell him it's done. In a way, you should remind yourself that this is your closure. You have the power, not him, and you left him. Make this your closure in your head.

 

You will eventually get over the hoping to hear from him thing too. Just give yourself some time. I'm glad that you're going to the movies with a friend tonight! Yea! I'm going to see a show (some bands) with a bunch of friends and am really excited about it. Getting out of the house always helps. I swear that LS is part of the reason that I'm starting to feel better. It's funny, when I got back with my ex, I totally stopped writing here. Broke up, came back and the healing process is really beginning.

 

You'll be OK!

[smile95]

I am an idiot. I was so sad today that I broke NC. I am so weak. Of course I got no reply. Why do I do this. I am chasing a man that treats me like crap! I have been in bed since this Am and taking nyuil so i can sleep and not think. I want to move on. I find it hard to believe he can just stop loving me after 3 yrs! What is wrong with me to chase him and how do i stop. Now I am crying and he is doing whatever the hell he wants.

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Oh, I'm so sorry that you're feeling crappy today! Calling him, emailing him, texting him, whatever, is just going to make you feel worse because he doesn't respond. You've got to try to keep yourself away from contacting him.

 

How do you stop chasing him? Just stop contacting him. Do you have a friend that you can hang out with today? Go outside. Keep busy. Read a book. Write in a journal. Find a therapist. Anything but lay in bed... That's the worst thing you can do for yourself today.

 

How were the movies last night?

[Valerina]

You're breaking an addiction - one that is very strong. You love him but you absolutely cannot ever tolerate someone hitting you. My best advice to give you is for every time you have the uncontrollable urge to call him - get on here and read these posts and write in a forum.

 

Going back to him is giving him permission to continue being abusive to you. Call a domestic violence hotline in your area and talk to someone.

 

All women who are in violent relationships always end up going back because they "love" him. It's up to you - he's like a drug - giving him up you'll go into some serious withdrawals but do you really want to be with someone who treats you bad?

 

Seek help to break the cycle. You probably won't be able to do it alone.

[shamen]

Hi Valerina,

 

I didn't see anywhere that Beth said that she was in a physically abusive relationship.... Did I miss that somewhere?

[smile95]

I just got back from a walk...and no I was not physically abused. Emotionally. But, I would rather be hit than feel what I feel now. It really is like an addiction I guess. I will get online when I want to call him. It is so hard because I just want things to be like they used to. I HATE LOVE

[shamen]

Yea Beth! You went on a walk. Exactly the kind of thing that you need to do. And going online is another great idea to avoid the contact!

[smile95]

Well it was actaully nice out, so I went. I don ot want to think about him anymore. It is all my mind will think of. Starting tomorrow, I am going to try my best to get over him and move on. I have to see that he is bad for me. Everyone else sees it! I know one day he will call and I hope when he does, I can ignore him!I am just so scared of never finding anyone again.We had such a connection....well I thought we did? How do guys after 3 yrs just disappear and not care about how you hurt???

[shamen]

Originally posted by beth5201

I am just so scared of never finding anyone again.We had such a connection....well I thought we did? How do guys after 3 yrs just disappear and not care about how you hurt???

 

You know that you'll find someone else again. You may have had a great connection, but he wasn't treating you right. Don't worry about the fact that he disappeared. It's probably better for you that he's not trying to contact you. It's probably not that he doesn't care how much you hurt. I'm sure that he does, but you did tell him that the relationship is over...