I finally left.........I have to fight the urge to call!

[smile95]

I did say it was over, but I guess part of me was hoping for a reaction. A good one. and now it is like he is fine with all this. It is because he ignored me that I ended it. I guess I need to remember the bad, but he good keeps creeping in!

[shamen]

Stop thinking about the good. Reread your bad list over and over, if you need to.

 

I have no regrets about leaving my ex. He sucked and treated me like s*** and I couldn't trust him. So many of my friends have commented on how much happier I seem already in 2 months. That I smile more, that I laugh more.

 

This will all come to you in time too, Beth.

 

A reaction is just that... a reaction. Do you really think that if he did contact you that he would say that he'd do better and that anything would actually change?? Or do you just want the big "it's over" conversation? Is all that really necessary? It'll just make you feel crappy if you do have that conversation.

 

This way (without talking to him again), you've already had some time without talking to him and you're on your way to feeling better. If you re-establish C, then it'll put you back at point zero of the healing process...

[smile95]

thank you so much. That really helped. He will never change. I am dreaming! I will continue to read my list and remember that he has not been good to me in a while. You are right, I do not want to have the "it is over conv". I imagine one day he will call. Maybe weeks, months, year. As soon as I contated him Icried all day from the rejection! SO I am not contcting him again. Thanks again. Hopefully today will be better.

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

I'm glad that it helped. Remembering the bad is the only way to get through this initial break up period. And yeah, you're right, he probably will call at one point. But when he does, you'll be in a better place in your head and you won't need his approval, love or whatever to be happy. And you'll be able to see easily that he hasn't treated you well in a while.

 

I'm also glad that you realize that contacting him is just going to leave you more pain.

 

Today WILL be better. One day at a time girl. Go work out after work today! Endorphins are good for you and help to get over depression.

 

I, alas, am home sick. Eww...

[smile95]

Hey there!

 

Well, I came home from a long day and took a walk with my puppy, gave him a bath and some dinner and hopped in the shower myself. I did ok today, but for some reason, I do better the day after a breakdown. I cannot get him out of my mind though. I go shopping and still look at things he would like, I hear a song and it reminds me of him. I want to scream! I realized that crying is not going to make him change or call me so why do it. Hopefully, I will be getting better, but I feel like I go 3 steps fwd and then fall back 1 or 2. I almost feel obsessed with him?? How are you doing?

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Yea! Another walk outside today. One day at a time, one day at a time, girl and it'll all come together.

 

That's funny that you do better the day after a breakdown. Curious. Why do you think that is?

 

I still hear lots of music that reminds me of my ex too and for a while, I had to turn it off. Now, I can listen to it and just sort of feel sad that he couldn't get it together, but wistful about him without feeling a need to call him at all. Shopping, I feel ya. I just went to the grocery store (for the first time in I don't know how long as I kept ordering food because I just didn't want to deal with it) and couldn't help but see things that I know he would have wanted. (We lived together for almost 3 years.)

 

Every day for a while you're going to back and forth. It's all about baby steps. You won't believe this: I just took down the Xmas tree that my ex and I put up together last week. It was one of the last big remaining ties that I had to him.

 

The part where you feel obsessed I swear will start to fade. Take walks every day, if you need to. Keep forcing yourself to get out of bed. Write in a journal. Write here, do whatever it is that you need to do to keep the focus on something else. Keep busy. Go out with your friends a bunch too, so you're not sitting at home alone as much.

 

I actually feel much better now as I went to the gym. Going to the doctor tomorrow.

[smile95]

Wow that was a good step to take down the tree! Was it dusty? I sometimes hate memories! Ya know I have no idea why I feel better after I have a bad day. I guess I get all my crying out and when he does not respond, I get angry with him and remember why I am trying to get over him. He just does not care. I am hoping that one day I can look back and know I did the right thing. He really has hurt me, but I love him still. I know he loves me too. However, I take antidepressants and that is not a good sign of a healthy relationship. I never had to take them before him. I just know he is going to call one day and say he needed space cause he got stressed(like las time) I cannot accecpt that this time. I cannot wait to wake up one day and not think of him. I long to hear from him though and that is what I want to fade. Since we were LDR I never got to see him, so all I really miss is the phone calls(that i rarely got and were all about him). I keep reading my list! Thanks for writing today. GOod luck at the Dr.

[shamen]

The tree wasn't so bad (maybe a little dusty, but ya only put it up once a year, eh?)... But I'm really glad that it's down. It's taking me a while to get my house back in order after the depression issues that I've been experiencing.

 

So, you're on antidepressants? I'm seeing a therapist! It's weird how men can mess us up so badly that we need to do this for ourselves. I have a girlfriend who's been taking them as well and she's going off them today. She told me yesterday that there was a study done recently whereby three groups of people did different things for depression: 1) took antidepressants, 2) took antidepressants and worked out, and 3) worked out. Guess which group of people were the least depressed at the end of the study? The ones who worked out. No antidepressants! Isn't that crazy? I swear that working out is going to become my new religion. I've found that I am happiest in my life when I'm working out regularly.

 

Well, I'm glad that you got a bunch of crying out on Sunday. That's good for the soul too. At least you're getting it out of your system rather than keeping it all bottled up inside. And he ended up doing exactly what you expected: nothing, in response to your contact.

 

Keep your chin up, girl. You know he will call you eventually and if you don't want to be with a man who mistreats you, then you've got to remember why you left. I'm still in love with my ex too (I know that he loves me as well), and I probably always will be, but I also KNOW that it will NEVER work.

 

And hey, if it was a LDR, then you should hopefully meet the next man in town! That alone will make your next experience better. LDRs suck.

 

Take another walk today. Revel in your own time. Do something selfish today.

 

I'm at home sick again today. Crap-o. But hey, I can spend my day on LS!

[smile95]

Hey!

Sorry you are sick again...Is it the flu?

 

I had a good day? Kinda odd, but I feel ok. We will see how long this lasts. I tried to stop taking my pills cold turkey and got really sick. I had to start again and ween off them. They prevent me from being able to cry, so I like that and they improve my mood. I used to LOOOOOVE to exercise. Almost addicted to it. I did join a gym and will have to start going more. How old are you and what state do you live in???

 

Hearing you talk about how much you loved your ex and what you go thru ,makes me feel like maybe I am not going thru anything so rare. I guess a lot of people go thru this? Sometimes in my crying fits, I do not even want to live and then when I stop crying, I think "why would I say that?"

 

My best friend just lectured me and made me upset. She thinks I am not depressed and I am. I do not just cry over him, it is everything. She thinks I should not take pills and that I should not be a girl who needs a man. I got mad, but did not respond. She does not get it. I am not sure anyone without experiencing this can imagine how it feels. I built my world around this man who I loved and now it feels like I have nothing. I almost feel foolish that I believed everything would end in a fairy tale.

 

Whatcha doing to keep busy all day?

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Feeling a lot better today and went to work. Nah, don't think it was the flu. Sinusitis (I went to the doc yesterday). Ewww. I spent the last two days online and watching TV/reading. I was glad to get back to work.

 

I'm glad that you're feeling OK... oh, are you allowed to stop those kinds of pills cold turkey? I guess it didn't work too well as you went back on them to ween yourself off, eh? I'm glad that you've rejoined the gym. I'll send you a pm with my state, but I'm 35.

 

I don't know that it's that we're not going through anything so rare exactly... it's just that we are both going through it right now, ya know? Don't think that it's that uncommon to break up with your ex when you're in love. Weird, eh? But one can be in love with someone and know that it's not right. Don't think that you don't want to live!! I'm glad that when you stop crying you think, "Why would I say that?" But, I've felt the same feelings; it's been a while (from when I initially tried to break it off with him), but I know exactly what you're feeling. It's like you don't mind entertaining the idea when you're crying, but you KNOW that it's not something that you would ever do in real life.

 

I'm sorry that your best friend lectured you yesterday. But you know, of course, that she's just trying to look out for your best interests. You are depressed about the break up, but it does easily manage to creep into your whole life; she's just not seeing that. It's like, you can't focus at work, you can't clean up your house, you're not being responsible. Well, for me anyway. For you, it sounds more like getting out of bed... It kind of takes over one's life when one is depressed.

 

The trick is pulling oneself out of it by doing all of the things that we've talked about. One day at a time, working out, therapy or pills, writing, spending time with friends, doing whatever it is that one loves to do. Keeping busy. I swear that's the biggest issue, so one is just not sitting there feeling sorry for oneself. Anything to keep one's mind occupied.

[smile95]

I sent a PM too, but forgot to tell you I am 28. I am glad you felt good enough to go to work today. I had a really good day and it is taking me by surprise? I am expecting a breakdown soon. I feel like I had a blindfold on and it is slowly coming off in seeing the real him. I guess you are right, most people do not break up when they are in love. I am glad we have each other going thru this together now. Some people may not understand. I have also found that keeping busy is soooo important. Otherwise I am tempted to call and just sit and think and drive myslef crazy. Someone wrote that Nyquil ruins your liver and I have decided to try and stop taking that. I am not going to let my ex give me health problems too!!! I will write more later, but I am going to do my taxes now...yuck!

[smile95]

was doing fine until my ex signed on AOL. He has not in months! Now I am worked up wondering why he is on and what he is doing and where he is. I HATE THIS! This is why I cannot have contact with him....I want to erase him from my buddy list. I have to. It is too tempting to contact him that way. Great...now i wonder is he talking to someone else? Or is he traveling and talking to his son with his camera??? I need to settle down and delete him! Sorry...had to vent

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

You misunderstood me: I think that plenty of people do break up whilst still in love. I don't think that it's uncommon. Why? People can love and know that it's not right.

 

I am totally glad that you posted. It helps knowing that someone else knows how I feel...

 

Oh, stay away from the Nyquil, girl. I've been having major issues with insomnia too. I feel for you. I read until I can fall asleep. Ugh. It's so distressing though, laying in bed thinking about stupid crap that I know that I shouldn't be. Oh well. Again, I know that this is just a phase in the grand scheme of things.

 

In regards to signing on to AOL, yes, absolutely erase him from your buddy list! You know that contacting him isn't going to do you any good. I'm glad though that instead of doing that, you signed on here and vented! Way to go!

 

See how the baby steps are coming? No need to breakdown, Beth. Keep reminding yourself that this is just part of the storm and it's got to go away sometime...

[smile95]

I had a crappy day. I guess seeing him sign on last night got me this way. I miss him. I know that I am better off w/out him, but it is so hard after 3 yrs. At times I just want to call and tell him I love him. I was so strong this week and now this!! UGH. I hope tomorrow is better.

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it is like one step forward, two steps back... As long as you don't contact him, all's good.

 

Did you take a walk today? I'm still a little leftover sick, so no gym for me today, which sux.

[smile95]

Sorry you still feel sick....hope you feel better after some rest. I hope tomorrow will be better. I know I cannot contact, but wow do I have the urge to! I know it ends with me upset and disappointed though. I am going to take a bath and eat dinner. I am afraid for the weekend! I get lonely.

[shamen]

Ah, taking a bath and eating some dinner. Those sound like relaxing and very cool ideas...

 

The weekend? Weekend schmeekend. Find some of your girlfriends who can go out with you in the eves. During the day, take a hike. Bike, sit at a coffeeshop. Walk. Read. Hang out here: I spend hours online on Saturday and Sunday sometimes...

 

Go to a show, a concert, an art show. There's so much to do, but often one doesn't end up taking advantage of all the possibilities that a weekend can entail, ya know?

[smile95]

those sound like nice ideas, but I just moved here last year and all my friends live in another state. My sister is here so maybe I will see if she wsants to shop. I just cannot sit here and think because then i convince myself to call. Not good.

[shamen]

But Beth,

 

You can do all of these activities on your own too...

[smile95]

Hey Shamen

 

Not too much to report. I still have hope he will call and I am going to be let down.I am not calling him, but I sure want to . Question.......memories are haunting me and was thinking.......don't people who get divorced have great memories too??? I mean, if they can get thru it, why can't I? Everyone has good memories right?

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

I guess not having much to report is a good thing, right? I'm glad that you're maintaining the NC. Good for you! I know that you are still hoping that he will call, but where is that going to put you? Square one. Think about the consequences of still hoping that he will. Seriously, what would happen? 1) You get back together and he keeps doing the same s*** that he did to you before and you're still unhappy. 2) You get to say what you want to say and then it's still over and then you're pissed and you've got to start the recovery all over again. Are either of these options something that you want to experience?

 

What are going to do to keep busy this weekend?

 

Absolutely people who get divorced have great memories. Most people do get through it, but a few not as well. My mom let the divorce take over her life - she aged so much in just a few years. BUT, the majority do get through it over time in lots of different ways and I know that you are one of the ones who will get over it eventually. It's all about working towards a goal of being satisfied and happy with yourself and letting go of the other.

 

You're absolutely right that everyone has good memories of their exes. But, when we're going through the break up, we really should focus on the bad. Treating yourself. Focus on YOU. What you want. Setting goals/plans for our days and eves to not worry about what the other is doing.

 

Still exercising? I'm telling you, forcing yourself to get out and do something is the best therapy. Didn't really want to go to the gym yesterday, but did! God, it felt good. Endorphins! The natural depression suppresant.

[smile95]

shamen

 

well just got back from the mall and it is a pretty day soI am on my balcony with my dog. I am going to lunch with my sister at 2. I was sad walking thru the mall, but at least I got out. YOu are right. What good would him calling do? He will not change and I will be back at the beginning. I just kinda want to know he still loves me I guess. I feel like he does not care. I try to get over the memories. But it really is more of me no thinking I will find anyone else and that maybe he was better than nothing? Nothing will come from it if he does call except confusion. I am going to try and hit the gym tonight or tomorrow. Whatcha doing?

[shamen]

I'm glad that you got out of the house. Balcony with the dog sounds nice. It was pretty here as well. Lunch sounds good too! Are you able to talk about the break up with your sister at all?

 

Ah, the good old, "I won't find anyone else and maybe he's better than nothing" thought. I've had it too. I think that's part of the reason I went back to my ex last fall, only to remember exactly why I broke up with him in the first place pretty quickly. Believe me, it's totally not worth it! He did exactly the same crap!

 

Yes, yes, the gym! Go, go. I went again today (my new religion )! Doing my part to look and feel better: keeping busy. Not thinking about guys of any sort.

 

Tonight I'm going out with some girlfriends for girls' night out. We try to get together at least once a month. Seems like it's happening a little more these days as one of my girlfriends is going through a divorce... (she's happier too!) Tomorrow is the St. Patty's Day parade, I'm so excited!

[smile95]

shamen

I did ok this weekend. I kept busy and felt pretty good? I still have thoughts of him and get sad though. I still also hope he will call. Not to get back with him but to know he cares. Is that dumb? I just cannot see him NEVER calling after we were together so long. How was your weekend? Will the hoping he calls ever end? or how do I stp that thought in my mind?

[shamen]

Hi Beth,

 

Whoo hoo! You had a good weekend. Keeping busy seriously helps.

 

I don't think that it's dumb that you're kind of still hoping that he will call, but I don't know if it would be good for you, ya know? I would imagine that, yeah, he will call at some point. Have the courage to say no to him if he does though, eh?

 

How do you stop that in your mind? Imagine what would happen in that conversation. Empty promises or a reinforcement of the break up. Do you really want to hear either one of those things??