Good Bye Letter to MM

[newdaynewstart]

Good Morning. I am not sure how exactly I stumbled across this website but am VERY glad that I did. I have been seeing my MM for over a year now. And believe me, what started off as something that was "kind of fun" has brought me so much hurt!

 

Here is my story. I used to work with my MM. We started off as friends and I honestly did not think anything of him. Well, I ended up quitting the job that I was at. A month or so later I was called and was asked to come back to the company in a position in another department. I was very happy about this new position and I went back. You see...at this time, I did not even think of him in that way. Well one night started it all. I was currently with my ex-boyfriend and at the time we were not doing very well. MM and I and some people from work were out and after some drinks we started having some pretty serious conversations. Nothing happened that night other than me giving him my phone number and him in a sense trying to kiss me in the parking lot.

 

Well...this is when we started emailing at work all day and he started calling me whenever he was out. And then the night happened when we were out and he took me home. He came in and that was the end of it! We started hanging out 2-3 nights a week. I had a serious issue with the fact that I was involved with a MM but for some reason the fun and excitment of it all took over and I just could not stop. At the time my boyfriend and I were off and on and my boyfriend lived about two hours away so we only saw each other on the weekends. For some demented reason...I started to evolve feelings for MM and I know he did the same. He always told me that he got married because him and W had a little girl and that he wanted to be able to have the chance to fall in love with me. Bull****.

 

Anyways...we kind of went back and forth. We had our months when we saw each other quite a bit and then other months I was either away at home or with my boyfriend of the time. I started to sense that I was thinking about MM while I was with my boyfriend though. Well...I am not sure why I made this decision...but I decided to move back home. I was offered a raise and promotion at where we worked. To be honest though...I think that I wanted out of there so bad because I felt like everyone there knew about me and MM and it embarrased me that people would think that of me. I think now that moving back home was my way of getting out of this and my way of trying to get over him and make things work with my boyfriend.

 

Another part of the story that I failed to mention...was that during the time period that MM and I were not seeing each other as much and I was I guess in a sense trying to really make things work with my boyfriend, his wife got pregnant. I am dumb, dumb, dumb!

 

So...I move back home. MM and I continue to talk on the phone every few days. In fact, he was very upset about me moving because I did it out of the blue. So...at first my boyfriend and I were doing okay but in the back of my mind I missed MM and I missed the town and the life that I had before. I went through a very rough period when I moved back. I had a family member die, things went to hell with my boyfriend, I hated the job I was at...and MM was there to listen. We grew closer in this time. Closer than we ever were. It became this emotional attachment more now than this physical one that we had had before. We only saw each other a couple times during this time and every time we did it made it harder for me to not have me in his life. His wife was pregnant and I knew that things may change after that though!

 

Well...for the update. I realized that I wanted to live where I used to live. The job opportunities are great there...I have a lot of good friends there...MM is there (not my reason). Actually that was on the of the reasons I considered not moving back. I moved back a few weeks ago. I am happy with my move because I know that if I can get rid of this part of my life...It will be for the best for me! That is the problem...every day I tell myself I am done with this! And then I get to work and we email all day and then I go home with that empty feeling knowing that he is at home with his wife and two kids...and it tears me up.

 

He has changed in a sense in my eyes. Every since the baby...we do not talk on the phone really. I do not know if that is because I do not feel right calling him like I used to or if because his life is different with two little ones know. We do not see each other very much...which is a good thing...but there is this part of me that will be pathetic and stay home if I think there is that chance that he might actually get to go out and come over. I HATE WHAT I HAVE BECOME!!! HATE IT!!!

 

I have my good days when I make myself okay with this. Other days, I hate it. Friday night made me realize how much I hated this. I went out with some friends and came home half early because he was out and I knew that he may come over. Well he did not end up coming over...which is for the best because here is the thing...when he does come over I feel like **** anyways!

 

So women out there...why is this so damn hard to let go of someone that does nothing but make me miserable half of the time. Why am I so afraid of losing this? I do know him well enough to know that it will hurt him if I tell him that we are done with this all...NO CONTACT. But I also know that he feels bad because he knows that he is hurting me. Our conversations have changed...we used to talk about us having a future, etc., and we do not have those conversations as much. I think part of it is that he has seen a different me...one with feelings and one that gets hurt and that hurts him.

 

So...here is the email that I plan on sending him and I am going to try my hardest for NC because the sooner I start the better I am going to feel! Any thoughts, stories would be helpful!

 

MM,

 

This is by far one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I think that I have had this in me for a while but I have been waiting for this breaking point to actually act on how I feel. Well…I had my breaking point this weekend. I hated how I was acting! I was thinking about what I hate most about our whole situation and what came to my mind was that I have changed so much since the beginning of it all. I used to consider myself a pretty sweet, upbeat, happy and confident person. Right now I feel like this sad, crying, miserable girl that I am not and I hate it!

 

I know you do not understand why I think that things have changed lately. Maybe it is ME coming to realizations about us. It started off as this fun little affair that led into so much more. I moved back to ****** and thought that it would kind of die and in reality I think we grew closer. I was at a point where I thought that we would eventually end up together because that is how you used to talk to me. Shortly after the baby was born, I noticed a change in you. I still to this day cannot figure it out exactly. All I know is that I do not feel like this “important” person in your life like I used to. You and I used to talk everyday about our days, lives…I looked forward to just talking to you. I trusted you and felt like I could always count on you. It is not like that now…and I do not know if that is you or me or both of us trying to let go. I can’t understand if you are not letting go because you are worried about me or because it scares you to not have me in your life. I put myself to blame though because I have often wondered if I am the one instigating it all. If I stopped, would you try to keep it going?

 

My mind has been telling me for quite some time to run from this…my heart has been telling me to stay. Right now I am only listening to my heart…and am making a bad decision that is ultimately hurting me day after day. I know that the only way for me to try and move on from this is by having no contact with you.

 

Maybe the feelings I have for you are far stronger than the ones that you have for me. I guess I am not sure at this point. All I do know is that I am going to walk away from this situation holding back nothing. I know that this is not easy for you ****. I do put myself in your shoes. I know that you feel bad because I always want more and more from you: time, calls, sex, attention…The more that you give the more I want, but in reality it will never be enough unless you left your wife and I was given 100% of you. You know this.

 

On the other side of it…you really do have the best of both worlds. This is going to sound harsh but I am not writing it to be insulting. I am good to you, I am there for you through thick and thin, and I in many ways love you even though you have a wife and a family. You may think about what it is like to be with me in a committed relationship, but in reality know that it will not happen and is easier said than done. You are basically living two different lives…the one with me and the one with your family. And in a sense you are two different people.

 

*****, I know that we could be great together. The only way that this can ever be 100% great for me though is to have you 100%. This whole situation is nothing but destructive for me. I have tried to block this and not see at as that but that is exactly what it is.

 

I think I know you well enough to know that you do not want to lose me as much as I do not want to lose you. The part that is the hardest for me is that I have ruined a good friendship, one of my best, and that we are both going to be scared from this. I know that if this were a fling it would not hurt like it does.

 

Bottom line though, I do not want to be a “second” in your life forever. I want someone that can treat me like I deserve and to treat me like I am number one in his life. I kept thinking that one of these days Mr. Right is going to come along and will help complete the void in my life that you to a degree fill. I know though, that I am not giving myself a chance to find that when I am holding on to my feelings for you. I am not going to play hardball with you. Even though I may not talk to you, email you, text you…that does not mean I will not think about you everyday for a long time.

 

It is time for me to move on and concentrate on the things in my life that really do matter. I never really thought of this as an “affair” but that is exactly what this is. Having an affair has to be one of the most addictive things I have ever done, hopefully the last. The only way for me to give this up is cold turkey. I know that this is going to hurt like hell and that it will take time to get through…but I am not happy now, and I can’t see anyway that I am going to be happy in the near future with you. So I am going to be honest with myself and get out of this for you, for your wife and for me. I need to get my own life back, my self-respect back and my happiness back.

 

I am not going to say that I wish I never had you in my life…because that is not how I feel. Having you in my life has brought so much good and if I could keep you as my best friend, I would, but I know that it is just not that easy. It is not an easy thing giving up your “soul mate.” That is how I always thought of you until recently, until this all became too much for me. I do not want you to think you ruined my life. I want us to both go on with life with the good memories of each other and what we had.

 

If we end up together someday, then I will know that I was not the “other girl” that you never planned on leaving your wife for. I will know that it is real and that is the only way I would ever want it.

 

This is not my good bye forever…but it is my good bye for a while. I will miss you more than you will imagine! Take care.

 

Love,

*******

[curly]

Wow, very emotional time for you. I wish you luck in saying goodbye to him. But I would not send that email like that. It is way too emotionally charged. You lay yourself out there. He will either use your words against you to keep you in his life, or he will say goodbye without any emotion and you will be left the one who opened your heart only to get stomped on again.

 

If you truly want no contact, then just tell him that you want nothing more to do with the sutation and you no longer wish to speak to him. It is the only way. Don't pour your heart out saying goodbye. You'll only regret it later.

 

Saying goodbye and continuing no contact is extremely difficult, believe me I know. But if you are serious about it, just do it. No preamble. Just end it. And try not to look back. If (& when) you do recall memories, try to remember how you feel right now. All the anxiety, the insecurity, where is he? what is he doing? Is he with her? It's excruciating to love a MM. It is addictive. But you since you realize that cold turkey is the only way to go, then you recognize how destructive the affair has been to you. It's certainly not destructive to him. He has his family. They love him and are devoted to him. He's the hero in that house. He has also been the hero in your house. How fantastic for him is that? He's only been pumped up by this situation. Yes, he'll probably miss you. But he'll still be in the family fold for support even though they have no clue. He's still a hero somewhere. And maybe he'll go find another woman blind to his manipulation to help his ego. You are probably not an option because he's used all the excuses up. You're on to him and exhausted by the denial to yourself.

 

So, make it clear to him that you want to say goodbye, no more emails, calls, etc. But don't pour your heart out to him. Do it with as much dignity as you can muster. After that, you can cry into your pillow all day long. Just don't let him know how much you hurt. It will do you no good. Oh, and probably the most important thing to remember is that you're doing this for you. To help your life get better. Don't do it for his reaction, to force him to leave his W. Because he probably won't. MM hardly ever leave. If it was so bad at home, he would have left long before he even met you. Don't hold out hope that your no contact will bring him to his senses. He knows where home is. He's staying where he wants to be.

 

Good luck in doing this. It is extremely difficult. But you will get through it. Have confidence in yourself. He didn't make you what you are. You did. He can't break who you are either. Let him go and give yourself a chance to heal and find happiness.

[newdaynewstart]

Curly,

 

Thanks for your advice. Much appreciated! I could not agree with you more...I need to walk away from this with some dignity and not send the email. Why does he deserve to know how miserable he has made me? To be honest...I am at the pissed of stage where I am mad at myself for letting myself be SO pathetic!!! Did you have a similar situation and if so, how did you say good bye? And how long did it take you to get over it and not think about him??? I feel so pathetic! I am just glad I found this board. I did not realize that there were that many others out there that have gotten themselves in these stupid relationships!!!

[newby]

can i just ask what you are wishing to achieve with the letter?

[newby]

oh, i just saw your next post, where you have decided not to post it.

i think you'll feel better about that decision a little further down the line.

your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, especially the bit about staying in just in case he might come round. in my case i would also stay up really late even when i was exhausted just in case he came round after his night out, IF he had a night out that night. yes there are other pathetic people in the world!!

i ended things a couple of weeks ago, you can read all about it in my diary.

altho its painful it sure as hell beats feeling like a pathetic idiot in the situation.

[curly]

Well, my story, in a nutshell is... met older man (15 years my senior) at work, he said he was separated, awaiting divorce and then the lies came. Not separated but was planning to leave as soon as his youngest duaghter went back to college. (for her 2nd year but his original plan was to leave when she went for her 1st year) That should have clued me in to the weakness in him. But no... had to go the whole nine yards.

 

The funnny thing is.. I'm smart enough to not start something with someone at work. Not a good plan. However, I was recruited to a different job and felt that we could pursue the relationship - this was before I found out he was still married. Once I found out - he pursued me insisting he was leaving and would I wait for him.... It went on and on with the waiting, I could write a book, as so many others here could. Basically, he left twice only to return, once 2 days later. This last time he got an apt., I helped him get new stuff, gave him some furniture, etc. Then 10 days later, he turned tail and ran back to W. At least that's the story he gave me. Yes, he is back in the house, but I believe the apt. is still his. So I really don't know what to think. The apt. may have been a friend's, may be his now for another woman, who knows. But I tend to not believe anything he says at all now. Basically, the bottom line is he's back there and not with me. He's unwilling, or incapable, of making the break. He may be telling the truth that he does want to work out the marriage but it's so hard to believe that or accept it after so many months listening to him hate the marriage and insist they should never have been married. (timeline here is he has been married 32 years, we dated for 8 months, you do the math and figure out who he'll end up with every time)

 

Perhaps, he does love her and doesn't want to leave her. Maybe it was all a big lie and he just wanted some fun. Maybe he just doesn't have the balls to walk away from his Daddy hero role (even though his kids are adults now). Either way, I was sacrificed.

 

I haven't gotten over him. It's been 3 weeks of no contact and it has been so difficult. I've done a most unhealthy thing and jumped back into a relationship with a prior BF to try to take my mind off it. But I miss him so much even though he's a lying, cheating, bas*ard. It's horrible to continue to love someone that treated you like sh*t. I end up hating myself for being so weak about him.

 

But every day is a new day, and it takes me that much further away from him. Sometimes I console myself with the fact that he hurts and I fantsize that he misses me but I won't call and that hurts him even more. Many wacky scenarios. But I don't call because I'm not sure if my call would be welcome. Even if it was welcome, he would only hurt me again. And I don't want to go back into something that makes me question myself, my integrity, my morales, my self-esteem, etc. again. This time is difficult but nothing compared to how crappy I felt when he would leave to go home or not be with me and I don't get to ask what's happening in his life.

 

So that's what gets me through. He is still in my every thought constantly. But I know one day that will stop. That's what I'm banking on.

 

So, stay strong for yourself. Tell him goodbye and really mean it. My last words to my xMM were "good luck. see you around." But I don't intend to see him around. I will avoid him like the plague until I feel I have the strength to face him and then I won't care if I run into him. By the way, that doesn't mean I intend to see him at some point in the future, I just mean that I won't go out my way to avoid him as I'm doing now. One day at a time, like the addicts....

 

Piece of advice... Try the coping forum also. There's a thread there about not contacting your ex and a guide for it. Also, don't know if you've initiated no contact before but it doesn't always take the 1st time. He will try everything he can think of to get back together with you. Just be strong. And if you slip, don't sweat it. Just reinitiate no contact. Eventually he'll go away and you'll move on to something much better. We all deserve to be treated well.

[newdaynewstart]

Curly,

 

I had a friend at work that was having an affair with our boss and I could not understand why she would put herself in that situation. And I always felt like I was smarter than getting involved with someone at work until...that one night!

 

I agree, I am starting to believe that his life is a bunch of lies. I am starting to realize that maybe I really truly do not even know who he is...and that hurts. But at the same time...I look at is like this...Would I ever be happily married to him? Would he be out screwing someone else while I am at home pregnant and with the kids? Makes me questions his character although this entire situation has obviously made me wonder about my own character as well! I know that I am so much better than this all!

 

I have tried the getting back with old boyfriend too! It doesn't work. For some reason, it almost makes you feel worse. I just keep wondering when I am going to find someone that makes me just forgot about him!!!

 

Me and MM have never actually said no more contact. Well, I have said it but then a hour later I try to talk myself into the fact that we have such a good friendship...why do we have to lose that. The problem is, we can't just be friends. Not now anyways... Maybe someday when I do not think of him like that...and I do not think that is going to happen anytime soon. So the answer to your question...no we have never actually done the no contact thing.

 

This sounds so pathetic...I am just so used to emailing him all day...texting...I do not know why I am so scared to not have that. So your advice would be to email him that I am done with this situation and that I do not want to have contact with him? I just know it has to be for good. Because if I say two weeks or a month things will just start up where they finished when we start talking.

 

I guess I need to just keep reminding myself like you said that I am not going to hurt anymore not talking to him than I am when I hear about him picking up his little girls and heading home for the night! At least I will not have to put myself through it!

 

Why is it that I want him to be so miserable without me? Part of me should hope that not having me will make him be better to his wife! But I want him to feel my hurt!

[Leaf]

WOW! Your letter was phenomenal! What has happen since you sent him the letter?

[MsMree]

As is with my case - he will contact you w/the most stupid questions, reasons, etc. DO NOT RESPOND!!!

 

Also, someone on here gave me advice that worked (well, for a measely 5 days!) make it a game - it really does work as well as gives you strength to get through the day, hour, minute.

 

You will be in my thoughts - just come back here to vent/post/read/etc. - it truly does help.