Affair partners: Anger at betrayed spouse?

[nightmare01]

What role, if any, did anger with your BS play in your affair?

[gettingstronger]

Not 100% sure, but I think the OP is asking if the MM or MW cheated on their spouse because they were angry at them- not if the OW or OM are angry at BS of their AP-

[nightmare01]

Not 100% sure, but I think the OP is asking if the MM or MW cheated on their spouse because they were angry at them- not if the OW or OM are angry at BS of their AP-

 

YES! Ive been trying to figure out what you guys were all talking about.

 

I wonder if anger/resentment with your BS spouse over lack of attention or whatever was a factor when deciding to have a affair. Sort of like using the affair as retribution or getting even for what they did.

[still_an_Angel]

Not revenge or anger, MM told me he can't stand how his W tries to control him like she owns his life. There are other issues of course which led to the breakdown of their relationship, and over the years, the communication of souls went out the window somewhere along the way. They lost their connection.

[SammySammy]

I was the OM and I felt no anger toward the BS. I actually feel sorry for the guy. He has no idea what kind of monster he's playing husband to.

 

As far as the MW goes, I don't think she has any anger toward him either. Maybe disappointment and sexual frustration, but not anger. According to what she told me ....

[whichwayisup]

Oh yes, I am in OW forum,???

 

I didn't hang on to him, it was mutual. I just believed no-one s would put up with that. I was wrong.

 

Sorry if my replies were harsh. I guess it's just odd since he is obligated and married to her, yet he's not left after 3 ddays, that says something doesn't it?

 

As far as I'm concerned he left her when he started seeing me every day. Leaving is not always physical it can be mentally and emotionally. I was satisfied he'd done that.

 

That's called an affair.

 

Where are you all now? Is there any talk of him divorcing his wife to be with you? Or are you sick and tired of being his OW.

[goodyblue]

I will take just a moment to speak for my guy. He says that he wasn't angry with his ex until they actually separated. During the marriage, he was turned away physically and emotionally for many years before we had the affair. He was really lonely. I honestly don't think he would have had the affair, let alone left, if they had had any semblance of a relationship. He wasn't angry, just sad, solitary. When we began getting closer, you could see the spark return to him and he became that person that I had always known. Then, when he left and the divorce began, she was understandably upset and vengeful. That is when he began to get truly angry. Not only that she was being unreasonable in his eyes, but that she thought she had the right after all she'd put him through. He's not really angry any more, but if she bothers him for any reason, it rears it's head.

 

So, for him, not really angry at the time, not the reason for the affair, but it certainly was there under the surface, which makes me wonder if he was angry and didn't even know it.

[MissBee]

None.

 

I didn't know her. Had never met her. Didn't hear anything negative about her second hand to even formulate any kind of negative image. So I would have had to invent something to be angry about. I suppose that does happen sometimes or one can just be angry that the person is with the person you want to be with and that's enough....but it didn't work like that for me.

 

As for my exAP, he never said a negative word or complained about her, said he loved her and loved me too....so no it didn't seem like he was in any way angry at her.

Edited July 11, 2014 by MissBee

[IMsodumb]

Miss Bee,

 

Do you ever wonder how someone can truly love their spouse yet have an affair?

 

That one baffles me....

[compulsivedancer]

YES! Ive been trying to figure out what you guys were all talking about.

 

I wonder if anger/resentment with your BS spouse over lack of attention or whatever was a factor when deciding to have a affair. Sort of like using the affair as retribution or getting even for what they did.

 

AP can refer to the OM/OW or the WS. Use WS if that's who you're talking to specifically, to avoid confusion.

 

H and I had a lot of underlying issues that caused anger, but I don't think that motivated the affair. That said, we were discussing an open marriage and I got pretty invested in the idea of sleeping with OM. By the time the verdict came down, I was pretty angry that it hadn't gone my way.

 

Again, though, I didn't want OM out of anger at BS. I was pretty depressed and upset with my life and OM was a nice escape from it. Additionally, he wanted me, and he seemed to find me attractive even when I was rather heavy, when H had made it clear that I was unattractive. I missed the joy of a new partner and the getting-to-know you phase, and I wanted the validation that I was attractive and worth loving.

 

It wasn't really about H at all.

[still_an_Angel]

I don't believe it's as much love but familiarity. It's often comfort zone and habit. Well I'm sure that's what it is in my MMs situation and BS is willing to let him do what he likes. Men don't just want love they want status and if he left it would take away all that fake happy family stuff she built up in the community. And I know her and all about her, so don't imagine I'm making this up. We've spoken a few times too, so yes I'm angry but more sad.��

 

Very good insight Blue, thank you. My MM has spoken about this too, in his case, he feels protective of his W as well, they have been together since they were teenagers and this is where familiarity comes in.

 

@IMsodumb, I believe all marriages change and evolve over time, for those who have been together a long time, sometimes it becomes stale. When my MM said that he loves his W, I think he meant it like the love described as above, he's always said he no longer loves her physically but still loves her in other ways (when they're not fighting is one instance). I tbelieve too, that people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time. I understand that it's twisted and I don't know how to make it right in our society where monogamy is the "right" way. Now this is another topic wherein I know I will come under fire so I'll leave it at that.

[still_an_Angel]

I don't believe it's as much love but familiarity. It's often comfort zone and habit. Well I'm sure that's what it is in my MMs situation and BS is willing to let him do what he likes. Men don't just want love they want status and if he left it would take away all that fake happy family stuff she built up in the community. And I know her and all about her, so don't imagine I'm making this up. We've spoken a few times too, so yes I'm angry but more sad.��

 

 

 

Spot on Blue, this is what my MM is talking about when he says he loves his W. They have been together since they were teenagers (they're in their 50s now) and he's protective of her in a lot of ways and she's dependent on him. He's far from happy with their relationship but she will not consider D due to her family and how they perceive the M to be.

 

 

@IMsodumb, I believe marriages evolve over time, some go stale physically specially if one party does not put the work in and the other becomes indifferent. With the length of time a couple is living together, the once intense love becomes more like brotherly love like the one described above. I personally think people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time, maybe not the same kind or intensity because it differs with the people involved. Its twisted I know, because the society that we live in dictates that monogamy is the "right" way. This is another topic which I know I will be fried over hot coals so I'll leave it at that. I know we took vows to dedicate ourselves to one person but as time goes on, people grow and change. Situations and circumstances make it difficult to extricate one's self from a M that is no longer happy which is why affairs are abundant all around. Wrong as it is, this is the reality though.

[purplesorrow]

Spot on Blue, this is what my MM is talking about when he says he loves his W. They have been together since they were teenagers (they're in their 50s now) and he's protective of her in a lot of ways and she's dependent on him. He's far from happy with their relationship but she will not consider D due to her family and how they perceive the M to be.

 

 

@IMsodumb, I believe marriages evolve over time, some go stale physically specially if one party does not put the work in and the other becomes indifferent. With the length of time a couple is living together, the once intense love becomes more like brotherly love like the one described above. I personally think people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time, maybe not the same kind or intensity because it differs with the people involved. Its twisted I know, because the society that we live in dictates that monogamy is the "right" way. This is another topic which I know I will be fried over hot coals so I'll leave it at that. I know we took vows to dedicate ourselves to one person but as time goes on, people grow and change. Situations and circumstances make it difficult to extricate one's self from a M that is no longer happy which is why affairs are abundant all around. Wrong as it is, this is the reality though.

 

Affairs are abundant because people are selfish. If a WH puts the same kind of time and interest in his wife (vise versa) the love would flourish. I don't think most of these men would cheat if they didn't have the stability they have at home. Yes, marriages do change but one spouse doesn't just get to change the contract to just suit them.

[cocorico]

Affairs are abundant because people are selfish. If a WH puts the same kind of time and interest in his wife (vise versa) the love would flourish. I don't think most of these men would cheat if they didn't have the stability they have at home. Yes, marriages do change but one spouse doesn't just get to change the contract to just suit them.

 

Many WS have put the "time and interest" in the M, often for years if not decades' and gotten ver little if anything in return - which is why they choose to invest their effort elsewhere to see if it brings better returns.

 

Many cheat precisely because the "stability" they have at home is all give and no "get" - they run on empty so longer there is simply nothing left to invest. Their spouse is so used to having it all their way they don't see the need to change anything - after all, it works perfectly fine for them - so their spouse's pleas to attend MC or work on the M fall on deaf ears because they *don't want* anything to change.

 

No, one spouse should not unilaterally change the contract to suit them (without any notification, let alone negotiation) but this is in reality what happens. The W who never wanted kids suddenly wants them, gets them, and focuses on them to the exclusion of the H; the spouse who "let's themself go"; the spouse who withholds sex and expects the other spouse to deal with it; the spouse who becomes religious and starts being heavily judgmental of their spouse; the W who uses the pretext of feminism to spew misandry at her H and son; the spouse who becomes increasingly conservative and right-wing with age who rages against their spouse's continued progressive politics and practices.... They unilaterally change the M into something their spouse never signed up for, and just expect them to lump it. When the aggrieved spouse raises concerns or objections. And then, when the aggrieved spouse seeks relief elsewhere, they accuse the aggrieved spouse on unilaterally changing the contract, without a shred of irony.

[purplesorrow]

Many WS have put the "time and interest" in the M, often for years if not decades' and gotten ver little if anything in return - which is why they choose to invest their effort elsewhere to see if it brings better returns.

 

Many cheat precisely because the "stability" they have at home is all give and no "get" - they run on empty so longer there is simply nothing left to invest. Their spouse is so used to having it all their way they don't see the need to change anything - after all, it works perfectly fine for them - so their spouse's pleas to attend MC or work on the M fall on deaf ears because they *don't want* anything to change.

 

No, one spouse should not unilaterally change the contract to suit them (without any notification, let alone negotiation) but this is in reality what happens. The W who never wanted kids suddenly wants them, gets them, and focuses on them to the exclusion of the H; the spouse who "let's themself go"; the spouse who withholds sex and expects the other spouse to deal with it; the spouse who becomes religious and starts being heavily judgmental of their spouse; the W who uses the pretext of feminism to spew misandry at her H and son; the spouse who becomes increasingly conservative and right-wing with age who rages against their spouse's continued progressive politics and practices.... They unilaterally change the M into something their spouse never signed up for, and just expect them to lump it. When the aggrieved spouse raises concerns or objections. And then, when the aggrieved spouse seeks relief elsewhere, they accuse the aggrieved spouse on unilaterally changing the contract, without a shred of irony.

 

There were so many other options than being a selfish cowardly cheater. What kind of ADULT sneaks around hiding stuff from their spouse. I take care of my mind body and soul. None of those should have been put in harm's way because my husband was selfish. I should not have been put at risk for stds etc. Cheating is the easy route. If they are miserable enough to look for a side piece, be man or woman enough to leave and start a new life. I am an adult, I didn't need him making decisions for my life.

Edited July 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

Many WS have put the "time and interest" in the M, often for years if not decades' and gotten ver little if anything in return - which is why they choose to invest their effort elsewhere to see if it brings better returns.

This is not an excuse or justification to go ahead and cheat. "Try out" another person/relationship/have an affair to test the waters and 'see if there's a better return.'

 

So if that something better isn't better, the WS slinks back home?

 

If a WS feels they've gotten very little in return, they can speak up, fix it or divorce.

[cocorico]

This is not an excuse or justification to go ahead and cheat. "Try out" another person/relationship/have an affair to test the waters and 'see if there's a better return.'

 

So if that something better isn't better, the WS slinks back home?

 

If a WS feels they've gotten very little in return, they can speak up, fix it or divorce.

 

I wasn't offering it as "excuse" or "justification". The thread topic was whether APs had anger at the BS. I was explaining some possible sources of that anger.

 

There is a big difference between understanding and excusing. Don't assume the latter in the former.

[Got it]

As the OW - no anger towards his BS

As a MOW - no anger towards my husband outside of not stepping up in the marriage or doing what needed to be done to make it better regardless of what I said or did. This was my reasoning for why I was divorcing. But I did not have an affair to exact revenge or punishment on him. I just sped up the divorce basically.

 

And in regards to whether someone can take their energies and put back in the marriage it will make the marriage better. That may be true in some cases but it is bunk in others. I was putting the energies in, I was begging him for therapy, I was pushing for things. He was not interested. Now that is not justifying the affair but it would not have made a difference. I had been doing that for years. Nor did I put his health at risk as we weren't having sex. So that isn't happening for everyone either. Same holds true for my AP's case.

[waterwoman]

I think H was angry at me. When asked point blank what I had done wrong to make him cheat, he always told me that I had done nothing wrong, it was all his fault, but over the last 2 years I have realised that he held a lot of resentment. However being the man he is he didn't express it, or ask me to change - he sulked (a behaviour that enrages me in anyone but especially in a grown man!). it got to the point where he was so sulky all the time that I had stopped saying anything to him when I wasn't happy so I was getting resentful too.

 

His resentment came from feeling not good enough all the time, feeling I was out of his league, giving up on 'deserving me' . No matter that I married him, that I had taken care of him and supported him, that I told him again and again that I loved him.

 

Now I expect him to tell me if he isn't happy. He knows this. But if he decides to find an OW to use as a blunt instrument on me again, he can **** off to the other side of **** and stay there.