shall we have chicken for tea and by the way i'm leaving you!

[englishrose]

Hi This is my very first time on a forum and I hope you can offer me some advice.

I have been married for 7 years (been with him 10) and have had the best marriage that you could wish for. We have been so happy and worked hard to create a lovely life together. He is my best friend, lover and husband.

We have just come back from a wonderful holiday at xmas and new year and had so much fun.

We both work hard and plan what we want out of life and spend hours talking about our hope, dreams and plans for the future.

2 weeks ago I picked him up from work to go and do some shopping and we were chatting in the car about what to have for tea when in the blink of an eye ..he changed into someone I didnt know. He said he had had enough of me and was leaving me. When I asked if he had someone else he replied yes.

Before he met me he was friendly with a family who had a daughter the same age as me and they were friends. He has seen her over the years and when he visited the family she would always be there although she didnt live with them.

I have always had a 'thing' about her but truly believe there wasnt anything ever going on between them.

The night he left he literally scooped some clothes into a bag not even taking his toothbrush or shaving gear.

 

I was absolutely devastated as I had no idea he was feeling like this and didnt know what the hell I had done or said to make him behave like this.

He came round to see me a week later and arrived in a foul mood and just said i'm not coming back and I want you out of this house by may.

(His name is on the mortgage and the deeds and he seems to think I have no rights over the property)

He stayed about 20 minutes and wouldnt discuss anything with me except to tell me that he wasnt having sex with this woman and never has done.

Last thursday he came round and stayed 2 hours and we talked and talked and talked.

 

I found out that he was really really miserable at work (he works 6 days a week 13hour days) and he felt as if he was being used at work and being used at home by me.

I guess that I have been so wrapped up in my own business that I never realised how miserable he was and he felt that he just couldnt talk to me about it as I never listened.

I have begged him to give me another chance and if at the end of 6 months he still feels the same way then I will agree to a split. I wrote him a promise letter in which I told him of all the changes that I was prepared to make. I fully admit that when he finally told me how I had been behaving that I was totally in the wrong

 

He left hugging me and promised he would think about what I had said.

 

Now I have to wait and it is killing me. I cry myself to sleep every night , I cant eat , I cant settle and i think about him every minute of the day.

 

I feel as if he has ripped my life away from me

[Barby]

So you were completely wrapped up in yourself and your own life/career? So much so that you didn't notice he was unhappy?!?! WOW!

 

 

Anyway my advice is.....allow him to have his time to think and decide what he wants to do, don't push him into coming back to you (NOT that you are I'm just saying). If indeed he does come back you should make sure that you make time for him everyday, to check in with him emotionally and see how he's doing, let him know how you're doing, ect.

[moimeme]

Have a read of <removed> Have him read it, too. Maybe you can reconstruct your relationship.

 

Why oh why do people think it's ok to ignore the people they claim to love?

[englishrose]

Yes I think you have both hit the nail right on the head. I was so wrapped up in my life/career that I didnt realise how unhappy he was.

 

I think that this has been a real wake up call for me and I am so ashamed of myself.

 

He told me that he felt that I didnt need him and what with the work and me he felt as if he was being used.

 

I have learnt a very very important lesson and am willing to do everything I can to put things right and if that means giving him the space he needs while he makes up his mind then so be it.

[Barby]

I hope that you two can repair your marriage but for some reason if he really decides he doesn't want to..........at least you'll be more aware for next time. I commend you for realizing that what you did in fact was neglect him...and instead of shifting the blame, you're willing to do what you need to do in order to change and make things work.

 

 

Anyway I honestly think that if this was the only problem, then it's most likely salvagable! Just keep your chin up and let him know how much you love and NEED him!

[Israfil]

Though you may feel you are at fault, and there are those who may castigate you for your actions, I think it took courage to post here.

 

Though your husband is in pain, I recognize that you are ALSO in a TREMENDOUS amount of pain and it should not be minimized. Unfortunately, there is nothing more you can do but wait… and that is the worst part, knowing that there is nothing more you can do.

 

Through the despair, it might be a good thing to really take a look at yourself and re-evaluate. This is a great opportunity for you. Don’t dismiss or diminish your emotions. Sit with them and really get to know yourself.

 

This community has helped me through hard times, even if it through reading other people’s experiences, so I hope you will keep posting here.

 

There is strength in admitting weakness.

[englishrose]

I cant thank you enough for giving me your thoughts on my problem. I have been reading the <removed> website and found it very very interesting. I can see so much of my behaviour in some of the pages.

 

I also see some of his behaviour as well.

 

I accept that I have to give him time to think things over but I honestly dont know where I will find the strength to start again without him in my life.

[englishrose]

Further developments

He was coming round to see me tonight to tell me what his decision was and this afternoon i received a message on my answer phone saying that he was so ill with flu that could he come round on wednesday.?

He sounded so awful on the phone that I just want to go round to where he's staying and get him home with me so i can look after him.

 

But i'm not! I just dont want him to think that i dont care because i do

 

Please tell me i'm doing the right thing

[Audrey20]

Englishrose,

I really am thinking about your situation. Please know that you are not alone.

I would recommend that you read a book by Bill Ferguson - he has been on Oprah. It is called "How to Heal a Painful Relationship". You can find the information on his website - http://www.billferguson.com. Basically, he recommends that the more you resist him needing his space, the more you cause him to pull away. By you making it clear to him that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage but also respecting that he is in emotional turmoil - there isn't a whole lot more you can do.

 

You are in the most painful situation right now. You are in "wait and see" mode. However, you have to focus on yourself and stay out of "his mind" because it will drive you crazy. If you read my post, you will see that I am not so good at taking my own advice but I have managed to survive a year of "wait and see mode" without losing a job or jumping off a cliff. I have read a lot of Bill Ferguson's books. You can get them as e-books if you need to read now. I also have gained much strength from this forum.

 

I hope you continue to post here.

 

Audrey20

[Sukotto]

I'd also suggest you see a lawyer regarding the ownership of the house, even though the deeds may be in his name I'll presume that your salary was paid into a joint account of some sort or at least contributed to the living costs. You should at least be getting half of the house, regardless of who's name its in. Do it now rather than later, mainly just as a precaution.

 

Also this isn't all your fault, he has to be open as well and tell you how he feels. If you want to use shock tactics the best thing to do is just get him alone and just ask him "Do you feel you've done everything possible to save this relationship? If so then we'll end it". Thats usually enough to make them realise that they were also at fault without directly saying it to their face as thats more likely to provoke them.

 

Regarding the whole not being able to eat, sleep etc. Get one of your female friends over to stay for a while and keep you company. Help fills the quiet moments if you have someone to eat with and talk to.

[Tonia2]

You poor thing! It sounds like you have serious self-esteem issues. Surely the fact that he was not communicating with you at all puts him partly to blame. Please don't project everything that went wrong in this relationship onto yourself - I have been there and it is awful.

 

Use this time to get emotionally strong and believe in yourself. Don't let this selfish man blame you to ease his conscience.

[englishrose]

Thank you thank you thank you for your replies.

Today has been a hard day. I work with the public and I find it so difficult to put on a happy smiley face and not let anyone see how I feel.

 

As regards to our house, I have seen a solicitor and even though the house and mortgage is in his name he informs me I am still entitled to half as we were married and when we bought the house we had a legal document drawn up to say that if anything happened then the house would be split fifty fifty.

I have acutally lodged a claim with the land registry which means that he cannot sell the house without my permission.

 

I dont want to lose my home but he knows that I cant afford it on my own and as its only one bedroom I cant take in a lodger to help pay for it.

 

I keep telling myself I have to be strong and cope with everything and this forum has been a godsend to me as I have never been on one before. Its comforting to know that I am not the only one on this planet that has problems like this.

Its the waiting that is killing me thinking that there is a strong chance that he wont give me a second chance and come back .

Every day that goes by I seem to lose a little more hope and I think if he wanted to come back that much he would have made the move earlier.

I believe that this woman he is living (although I would prefer to think lodging with ) had her claws into him before he met me but he swears they were only friends and he felt sorry for her because she had a terrible husband at the time.

I cant believe that he would prefer to be with her rather than me but I still dont know if there is anything going on or if she just offered him a place to stay while he sorts himself out.

She is nothing like me and just spends all her time getting drunk doesnt work and has had all three kids taken away by social services.

 

I could rest a little easier if I knew that he was living on his own but I dont know what influence this woman has on him.

 

anyway tomorrows the night and he will have made his decision.

[englishrose]

I just thought i would let you all know how tonight went and then perhaps you could give me your thoughts.

 

The first thing he said when he sat down was that he had thought about what I had said and he was sorry but he wasnt coming back. I said ok can I ask why?

he said that he didnt think i would be able to forgive him for what he has done to me!!!!!

I then asked him the question Do you think you have done all you possibly can to save this marriage and he said NO but then perhaps I dont want to save it.

I then asked if he would be prepared to come to counselling with me and he said YES . I asked him what he thought it would achieve and he said perhaps it would help things between us.

 

We sat and talked about other things for another 10 mins and he then started talking about this other woman. I told him that I didnt want to hear anything about her as she is not the cause of our problems only the catalyst. I told him that she had made things easier for him by giving him a place to stay and if he had to find his own accomodation we could have sorted things sooner. I didnt say anything bad about her . All I said was that she was nothing to me and dismissed her with a wave of the hand. (Bearing in mind that he didnt have a good word to say about her when we were together)

I told him that I thought he was using her for somewhere to stay and that it wasnt a nice thing to do .

 

Anyway now I have to find a counseller to help us. My thoughts when he said Yes was that if he truly didnt want to save the marriage then he would have replied

"whats the point . I'm not going to change my mind so we would only be wasting our time and money"

I believe I have some hope

[Sukotto]

Well getting him to admit that he's not done anything to try to save it has given you the upper hand, and you used it wisely. Counselling may definately help the two of you, though I'm not sure if its going to be as effective as it would have been if it had been brought up earlier. Though thats whats happening with a lot of relationships these days, lack of communication between partners.

 

Your GP should have a list of people they can recommend, make sure that they are registered. There is a society which keeps a registrar of cousellors. I can recommend one in Glasgow that I attended with my ex, if you wish I can ask her if she can recommend any in the South of England.

[englishrose]

Thank you for your reply sukoto

I have arranged and appointment next friday with a couples counseller who was recommended to me.

This counselling business is all new to me so I wondering if someone could tell me what to happens and what to expect.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad and miserable and wanting him with me to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be ok. His stepmother rang me last night and said she spoke to him over a week ago and she said he seemed quite adamant that his mind was made up and he wasnt coming back.(a lot has happened since she last spoke to him) I told her that I didnt really want to discuss it with her as I wanted to keep it between me and him.

 

In all the years I have known him if he made a decision he always stuck with it and it was very hard to get him to change his mind. If he made the wrong decisions in the past he would be stubborn and not change his mind . So this morning I feel that nothing on this earth will make him regret his decision to leave and change his mind.

I am being strong and this site has been so helpful to me but it is so difficult when I am on my own at night and I naturally try to get inside his head and wonder what he is going to do

 

Thank you everyone

[englishrose]

Not a good day today.

Bumped into one of my husbands work mates today and he told me the OW was seen waiting for him at lunchtime to go off to lunch with him.

For the past 2 weeks I havent really given her much thought as I believed as I said previously that she was just providing him with a bolt hole.She is the sort of woman that would offer a room for rent to supplement her dole money.

Now I've been sat here thinking about her all evening.

 

I really really want to go round her house, grab my husband and tell him to get home where he belongs and to let her know exactly what sort of scum of the earth she is for making it so easy for him and keeping him from me.

Yes I know what you are all going to say. She's not holding him there against his will..he chooses to be there.

I told him the other night that if she hadnt provided him with a ready made home he would have been back within a day.

 

He has known this woman for 13 years but never had anything to do with her apart from when we went to parties and she was there. He never had a good word to say about her and I remember him saying once "thank god i chose you ..Look at the state of her"

 

The way I am feeling tonight is a side that I dont want to show to anyone espcially him and her.

 

I know that I have to keep calm. keep the couples appointment with the counseller and sit and wait.

 

Also can a man please explain the meaning of the following.

When I asked my husband why he wouldnt come back he said

"because I dont think you will ever forgive me for what I have done to you"

 

Also if his mind is made up that he is not coming back WHY did he agree instantly to attend couselling with me to try and save the marriage.

 

I know you must be sick to death of my rantings on here but the more I can understand the better I can cope

 

Thank you

[Barby]

When I asked my husband why he wouldnt come back he said

"because I dont think you will ever forgive me for what I have done to you"

 

I'm for sure not a man...but IMHO maybe the affair has been going on for longer than you realized! Maybe he feels that once you know the truth you won't forgive him so he's "secured" himself a "home" with the "OW" so that he will have a place to call home either way.

 

 

I say you're better off without him if he's been cheating on you....why would you want to salvage something with someone who could do that to you?

[englishrose]

Thanks for your reply barbi

 

He has never been one for going out with the boys and he was either with me or at work. He used to go out once a week with the men from work but he always asked me to drop him off and pick him up as he didnt drive and always told me to join them for a drink at the end of the evening.

I asked him last week when he found the time to have this affair and he said that he carried her shopping home for her one friday afternoon when he went for a dentist appt and then went round her house the following friday for a coffee.

 

So I said so you are basing the affair on 2 visits to her house for an hour a time and he said yes.

He also told me that while we were on holiday at xmas and new year abroad that he still loved me then and was happy and it was only after we got back that he felt like that.

 

The reason I want him back and could forgive him for the affair if he is having one is because i have loved him for 10 years and in all that time he has never given me any reason to mistrust him.

He has told me 3 times since he has been gone that he hasnt had sex with her and has never had sex with her.

Why say this?

[Barby]

Well then therapy is a good idea, but the fact that he's staying with her right now (if I understood that right) would make me uncomfortable....but if that was the extent to the affair then he is a "real" man for coming clean about it and if he hasn't had sex with her then forgiving would be very easy....

 

 

I dunno...all I can say is try therapy and show him how much you love him....maybe things will work out.

[englishrose]

Hi Barby

thanks for your reply

Yes knowing that he is with her right now is making me very uncomfortable but I did manage a laugh the other night

When he came round he had a terrible cold. I asked him if he wanted some tissues and he said " please ..do you know she hasnt even got an asprin in her house." I asked if he wanted anything else and he said

"A nice clean towel would be nice"

 

She's not doing a very good job of looking after him!!

 

Every time he comes round I try and make things as nice as possible for him.

I've been to her house once before and its the sort of house you wipe your feet when you leave.

God i'm sounding like a right bitch but its the only way I know how to cope with her

[Sukotto]

Dont you have other things to do at night to distract yourself? Friends that can go to a bar with you or to the cinema just something that stops you from thinking about them.

 

Most people have some sort of confidant who're just there for you. Mine was a good friend called Susan who would take me to bars, clubs and just generally keep my occupied. Helped me enormously.

[englishrose]

dear sukotto

Thanks for your reply

 

Throughout my marriage our whole lives were devoted to one another , we did everything together and gradually over time we lost our individual friends and made new ones.

He always used to say "its you and me against the world love but as long as we've got each other "

I have my business to run which has been a godsend during the day as I am so busy I dont have time to think about things. I am really surprised at the amount of friends that have been there for me for the past 3 weeks and they do offer me support by phoning or calling round to see me.

 

I have been invited out for sunday lunch this week and I am going to a local wine bar one evening next week so I am trying to keep busy.

The problem is I am usually a very sort of "take charge" person and if there is a problem with anything I sort it straight away and this time I feel as if my power has been taken away from me.

 

Everything we have worked for the last 10 years has been taken away from me.

I could lose my home if he doesnt pay the mortgage and I wont even know because he is having all his mail redirected. I suppose I am really frightened because I feel too old to start all over again (i'm 47 )

 

If nothing comes out of the counselling I know that my survival instinct will kick in and I will do everything to look after no 1 This is what I am frightened of because I dont want to hurt him.

 

I know deep down that your advice is spot on and I should keep busy but its like he's happy in his new abode and he has the best of both worlds so why bother making the effort. He has his new woman in her house and he has me waiting here at home hoping and praying he will change his mind and realise his mistake and come home and give me a chance to put things right between us.

 

He knows me inside out and he knows that if something upsets me I sort it straight away and by me not going round to her house to sort it is probably puzzling him as generally thats the sort of thing i would usually do

 

Perhaps he wants me to prove to him how much I want him back and perhaps that he wants me to go and get him but I know you cant make someone want you. You have to make them come to you.

 

I know I'm rambling on again buts its early morning and once again i cant sleep.

 

thanks

[Sukotto]

I managed to keep myself occupied with friends and doing 60 hours a week at work. What I found the hardest was meeting up with them and no matter how much I lied or tried to show that I was ok, Lynsey could just read me like a book. It took her about 5s to judge my mood and how I was feeling.

 

Like you I pushed friends away and had less time for them but it wasn't intentionally, I'd see them 2 or 3 times a month but I'd always see them seperately, but it was amazing how much they've been supporting me even when I feel like I neglected them for years.

 

Dont stress yourself out with too much thinking, especially about whats happening with him. I know its hard to do, I couldn't get mine out of my head, only time really heals. I still think about her daily but I can promise you it does get less and less. Best advice I can give was from a friend who said just allocate 10 minutes in the morning and evening to think about the person. If they pop up during the day just force them back out and tell yourself you'll think about them later.

 

Well things to do in the evening, any night classes or clubs in the area? You'll usually find local colleges teach foreign languages a couple of nights a week or some sort of aerobics class at your local gym. Not only will it occupy you but the potential for meeting new people is increased.

 

If your feeling really inside your head, then some individual counselling might help. Just someone to chat to and say whats up. Its not unusual for a partner in the couple to have individual therapy as well as therapy as a couple.

[moimeme]

I could lose my home if he doesnt pay the mortgage and I wont even know because he is having all his mail redirected.

 

Talk to the mortgage company and ask them to send you notification if he doesn't pay. Is the home in both your names or his alone?

[englishrose]

Thanks sukotto for your support

Yes I am going to do something positive this week. I am going down the gym on monday to see what sort of classes they do and I love swimming so I am going to do that for an hour each night.

For xmas I paid for my husband to do his padi diving so that he could come diving with me. so i am going to also contact the local diving school and see if I can do some dives.

I have also booked an appointment with a counseller on my own for monday. I still havent told him about the appointment time with the couples counseller as I am frightened he's going to back out but I will pluck up the courage to ring him monday to tell him. (monday is going to be a busy busy day !!!!)

 

At the moment he thinks that I am sat at home each night pining for him and he is right but I cant go on like this and at least if he isnt coming back I havent wasted anymore time.

 

I am really really scared of the future without him though.

 

moimeme thanks for your reply too

 

Yes the mortgage and the deeds are in his name but I am going to contact the building society to see what they say about informing me whether he pays the mortgage or not.

 

This is such a mess and the longer it goes on the more determined I am to sort it out. If I mean that little to him then let him go back to what he was before he met me.

 

A few weeks back we were in bed and he said to me "who'd have believed we have all this and be so happy"

 

Thanks to both of you