shall we have chicken for tea and by the way i'm leaving you!

[englishrose]

Thanks sukotto for your support

Yes I am going to do something positive this week. I am going down the gym on monday to see what sort of classes they do and I love swimming so I am going to do that for an hour each night.

For xmas I paid for my husband to do his padi diving so that he could come diving with me. so i am going to also contact the local diving school and see if I can do some dives.

I have also booked an appointment with a counseller on my own for monday. I still havent told him about the appointment time with the couples counseller as I am frightened he's going to back out but I will pluck up the courage to ring him monday to tell him. (monday is going to be a busy busy day !!!!)

 

At the moment he thinks that I am sat at home each night pining for him and he is right but I cant go on like this and at least if he isnt coming back I havent wasted anymore time.

 

I am really really scared of the future without him though.

 

moimeme thanks for your reply too

 

Yes the mortgage and the deeds are in his name but I am going to contact the building society to see what they say about informing me whether he pays the mortgage or not.

 

This is such a mess and the longer it goes on the more determined I am to sort it out. If I mean that little to him then let him go back to what he was before he met me.

 

A few weeks back we were in bed and he said to me "who'd have believed we have all this and be so happy"

 

Thanks to both of you

[strange love]

Heres

 

what got me to go back with one woman

 

She dressed up really sexy and changed her hairdo

 

Its pretty simple

 

Another started working out and doing stuff, she was more interesting.. she did yoga too it was amazing how much more flexible she was "ahem cough cough"

 

If you have a minute and it will help take your mind off.. have a look at my post I could sure use some thoughts from a female perspective

 

Thanks

 

strange love

[englishrose]

Last night was hard. I woke up this morning feeling rotten after having the weirdest dream. I dreamt that he came round carry a load of mail and came in and said " I'm coming back to you....Just joking" He then went out in the kitchen and started to dismantle the cooker and said he was taking it with him. I blew my top and told him that he would get me out of this house over my dead body . So he picked up a lighter and held it to some paper and said ok

 

The next thing I recall is going to the front door and picking up his mail and there was about 6 valentine cards in red envelopes with to my girlfriend on it.

 

The next thing I recall is being in a bar with some friends and I said i had to leave as I hadnt locked the front door and he could get in. I got in my car and started driving but it was really foggy and I was in what looked like a viaduct. My windscreen wipers would work and it was almost as if I was driving inside concrete. In the end I just stopped driving as it was pitch black and then I was surrounded by people i didnt know and all I can remember is them saying "you've had a hard few weeks havent you?" and then I woke up shaking and crying.

 

Although I have tried to keep busy this weekend I feel as if I am going out of my mind

Please help

[englishrose]

Well tomorrow is the big day.

Our first meeting at the counsellor together. Wish us luck!!!!

I havent seen him since last wednesday but did speak to him on the phone on monday and he spoke to me like he used to ... calling me love etc.

 

Spent the week reading a self help book by Phil mcgraw on relationship rescue.

It has really helped as I have done a lot of soul searching this week and realise a lot of things I was doing wrong.

 

 

I still think continueously about him living with this other woman and the funny thing is as he has only spent 3 times in the last month with me for 20 mins a time (apart from the big chat on the wednesday where he spent 2 hrs) I feel as though I am the ow and not her and he is giving me the scraping of the barrell of his time.

 

I cant see how I can do anything to save this marriage if he continues to live with her. I need to get him to come home and sort it out between us.

The counseller that I saw on my own on monday was not a lot of help. I didnt really know what to expect so I am pinning my hopes now on the joint counsellor.

 

Please everyone say a prayer for me for tomorrow and help me find the strength to see this through

 

Thank you

[englishrose]

Hi everyone

 

well a lot has happened since I last posted on this forum.

I have started another thread on the OW site and have received some really helpful advice from them.

 

Basically what happened at the counselling was that he was quite adamant that he wasnt coming home and his new life is with this woman.

He admitted that he first had sex with her last tuesday! When the counsellor asked him if he would come back home to me for 3 months to try and make things work he replied that the OW had told him that if he went home to his wife then she would move away from the area as she couldnt bear to bump into him.

 

He said that if he came home he didnt think I would be able to forgive him and if he left again she would be gone and he couldnt bear to 'lose' her again.

I told him that he never lost her in the first place as she was married !!!

 

Today has been an awful day which is why I am posting to cry for help again.

Last night I went to bed feeling quite good but this morning and throughout the day I have got worse. I have tried to keep busy and I start something but dont finish it.

 

One of the things that he said went wrong with us was that I never listened to him. He has been telling me over and over again that he wasnt coming back and he wanted this woman and that he loved her and it was only finally last night that I fully understood. I thought today I would pack up some of his stuff and put it in the attic and I have just fell to bits. I dont want to do the wrong thing as if he comes round and see that its packed away then he is going to think that I dont want him back but I do.

 

I am such a mess at the moment and I am crying while i am typing this. Why cant I move on and let him realise what a mistake he is making.

 

I cant go on like this its just doing my head in

 

We have arranged to meet again this wednesday but I cant handle it. I want to go and see him NOW and plead for him to come home.

[Israfil]

The only advice I can offer is don't contact him. Eventually, you will need this in order to move on.

 

Again, I am so sorry for what you have to endure right now. Keep posting. Keep writing your thoughts. Sometimes it is the only thing that will keep you sane.

[d'Arthez]

There is nothing you can do, to make him come to reason. He has to realize his 'mistake' himself. And only time can do that, when the infatuation wears of.

 

Don't blame yourself for not listening to him in this instance. Truth in matters of love, has sometimes a hard time to sink in. Because it came as a shock to you, you could not realize he was telling the truth.

 

Contacting him, at a more than minimal basis is detrimental to your healing. I hope you can remain strong, and wait until you seem him again next Wednesday.

 

It is difficult to move on, and occupy your thoughts. Somehow your thoughts always seem to return to him. But with the passage of more and more time, that becomes less and less the case. Most importantly don't act upon your impulses to contact him.

[ubermann]

Hello Englishrose, you asked several posts back what did he mean by the statement you wouldn't be able to forgive him.

 

I am suspicious he has had a long sexual affair with this woman, and for a lot of guys out there the thought of the woman with another man is horrifying. He thought you would be unable to forgive him for being with her cause if you did it to him it would really mess him up.

 

But you know he did pull a little "shock and awe", and thats just a bad move it was unfair of him to never give you the chance to change.

Yeah instead of his " shock and awe" he should've been hosting summit meetings -- if you know what I mean.

[englishrose]

Dear Ubermann

 

Thank you for replying. I am sorry I dont quite understand your 2nd paragraph.

 

Am I right in thinking that you think this affair has been going on for longer than the last month and that he is lying when he said up to last week" that he wasnt having sex with her and has never had sex with her." Then on friday he admitted that they had for the first time on tuesday night?

 

 

Are you also saying that the 'thought of the woman with another man is horrifying' Do you mean me or her?

 

I have never in all the time I have known my husband ever ever told him a lie or a white lie or ever been unfaithfull to him although he did say last week that he thought because I was friendly with the fella at work many years ago that I was having an affair. Then in the next breath he said he knew I would never to that to him.

 

 

Can you please get back to me as I am very interested in what you think and it is helping me understand a bit better

 

Thank you

[englishrose]

Well today is another day.

 

I have thought about what you said Ubermann and several other people have now told me they also think that this affair has been going on longer than I though.

I have racked my brains to try and think when he would have seen her and there was one occasion last year where he went over to the father's house for a drink.He always came home at 9.30pm and this particular time he came back at 1.00am He walked in the door drunk and covered in twigs and grass stains and told me he fell down a bank and passed out.!!!!!!!!

 

Last friday I opened his bank statement and saw and entry to a local restaurant on valentines night (He was going to take me to this restaurant but obviously took her) When i asked him after the counselling what he had to eat there he said that he didnt take her there valentines night but 2 nights later. He had me doubting that perhaps i read the date wrong so i checked when i got home and sure enough it was definately valentines night.

 

Everyday that goes by I learn something new.

 

I have decided to take charge and do everything I can to try and keep my home.

Like contacting the utility companies and having the bills sent to me in my name (he is having his mail redirected) and contacting the mortgage company to ask them if they will let me know if he doesnt pay the mortgage.

 

I am in a real quandary about whether to actually turn up to see him on wednesday night as I havent got the strength at the moment to be nice to him and I also thought that by not turning up he can do the running if he wants to know what is going on.

 

He is obviously very keen to sell the house so that he can spend the proceeds on his new friend but it's my home as well and I dont see why he should have it all his own selfish way. You never know if I drag my heels in keeping the house it may even give him the time to reconsider what he's done but do you know what?

Everybody said there may come a time when I dont want him back and I think this time is coming very very soon.

 

I am going to throw myself into my business and make as much money as possible for MY security.

 

Please tell me I am doing the right thing

 

Thank you

[englishrose]

Hi everyone

 

Ok well he didnt phone or leave a message today to say when and where to meet tomorrow night. I really really want to have THE control over this so I thought tomorrow I would ring him at work and say the following

"Sorry but I've changed my mind about meeting you tonight for a drink as I dont think there's really any point ..Bye"

 

So what do you think?

 

I'm then going to do NC

[Barby]

I say don't call at all.....even if he doesn't contact you....honestly he will probably see right through the telephone call as just another attempt at you to contact/talk to him.

 

 

He hasn't even bothered to call so I say it will make him wonder MORE if you DON'T call him AT ALL!!! I can see how you want the control but by not calling him what-so-ever you're going to "control" more by making him wonder "what's up with her, why hasn't she called since I haven't called her" IMHO start no contact NOW.

[englishrose]

Ok Barby as from this minute I am doing NC

 

Thanks for your advice. I will keep you posted on my personal soap opera!!!

 

Thank you everyone

[englishrose]

Well Barby I took your advice and guess what he rang my work and home on wednesday and I didnt speak to him.

 

Really thought he would try again yesterday but he didnt. I know its early days yet but I am trying to stay strong. I have been throwing myself into work and in the evenings i have started to do a Tony Robbins personal power course so I am in a way feeling quite positive.

 

I've also been asked out for a drink by a chap i used to work with years ago whose wife has also left him but i cant face being with another man at the moment even as a friend.

 

I know I am being really really silly and foolish about this but I still want him back and will forgive him for anything and then in the next thought i think how can he treat me like this.

It helps putting my thoughts to LS and i'm sorry i'm prattling on and on but it does help me.

 

 

I'm a great believer in what goes around comes around and in my early 20's i was seeing a married man and gave no thought to his wife. It all fizzled out after a couple of months and he never actually left her but I cant stop thinking that what I am going through now is gods punishment for what I did in the past.

 

I also think there has to be a reason WHY this is happening to me and perhaps in a years time I will understand the reason. My husband was married before for 13 years and according to his ex wife he used to hit her.

He never laid a finger on me all the time we were together but perhaps he was taken away from me because perhaps one day he could have hit me.

 

I just dont know anymore and I'm so sad

 

Please keep telling me I am doing the right thing and it will work out in the end

[englishrose]

Well today is sunday and another crappy day.

 

Forced myself to go out for lunch with a neighbour and it was ok but I was surrounded by happy families and couples.

 

Anyway still trying to stay strong. Havent got in touch with him and have zilch from him. Havent driven past his work or past HER house. Every waking moment I picture them together doing things that he should be doing with me.

 

I am so so confused . Why doesnt he come and get all his stuff? Why has he made no attempt to see if i'm ok and coping?

 

Now all the bills have come in and I dont think I can pay them all and I dont want to tell him because then i will have to break NC

 

I've tried to put myself in the OW's position and I am the sort of person that is usually very strong and determined. If something needs sorting I am in there straight away. I have deliberately not contacted this woman as I felt that all the while I stayed away she would be thinking

Why hasnt she come round to sort this out?

and then start doubting my husbands motives for being with her.

 

How long do you have to wait to get a reaction out of someone???????????

[Mr Spock]

Ok. Not contacting him should be for your OWN sanity, and not to see how long you can go without talking to him before he calls. It's a mistake to pull the NC thing when you both still have bills and legal issues to deal with.

 

Why WOULD his new girlfriend come around to sort things out with you? She doesn't owe you an explanation, he does.

 

As for the bills take half of them and deliver them to his work with a note explaining that you've taken care of these and you feel he should take care of this part.

 

It sucks. Your situation sucks. And I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

However, the odds of your husband leaving you for her were astronomical. And it DID happen-and they've known each other for a long, long time. Chances are there are some serious feelings involved.

 

When he says "I don't think you could ever forgive me" he really means "this is the nicest way I have to tell you I don't want you anymore"

 

 

What you have to do right now is be patient. Protect yourself.

 

 

I think you're in more trouble than most, simply because they've known each other a long time, seems more than you have known him.

[englishrose]

Thank you Mr Spock

 

Yes the odds on this happening were astronomical and I feel such a fool to allowed it to happen.

 

I trusted my husband 150% and allowed him to continue his relationship with this family KNOWING that the woman was waiting in the wings. But at the time she was married and I didnt look upon her a threat as he used to slag her off as well.

 

I believe that he is lying to her as well because everytime he came to see me he used to say "she knows where I am and she knows I am seeing you" almost like he was trying to tell me dont think you can stir things up because she knows what I am doing.

 

When he used to come round he would only stay for about half an hour and always the same time 6.15pm It was so obvious that he was telling her he was finishing at 7pm so he would be back in time.

The one time he came round and stayed for 2hrs he turned up with her dog. Again it was obvious that he was telling her that he was taking the dog for a long walk.

 

Made me think back to when he took our dogs out for long walks...Was he seeing her then???

 

Funny how when you think back on things you start doubting what really happened.

 

I know that I have to face him with the bills but its finding the courage to face him.

 

His daughter rang me the other night and told me that before the OW was married she had an affair with my husband (he was single at the time) and it finished when she married her husband.

 

If they were so in love then why did she make the mistake of marrying someone else??

 

I just feel that I have wasted 10 years of my life on this man when he could have had her 10 years ago

 

Will he find out that she is not the same person she was 10 years ago??

[Mr Spock]

All I'm saying is don't beg him to come back. Don't even try to reason with him, because you won't be able to respect yourself when the dust settles if you do.

 

 

Sometimes, people fall out of love with each other.

[englishrose]

OK WE HAVE CONTACT !!!!!

 

It's been a week and then this morning

9AM he rang me . Very pleasant but very curt.

Said that there were a few things that he wanted out of the house.

one of the camcorders

his old regimental tie

and an insurance policy document (His name on it )

 

He asked if I would bring them to him or should he collect them. I was very pleasant and said i;'ve only just woke up so ring me later.

 

Now i'm even more confused. What about all the rest of his stuff ie. all his clothes, books, photos etc?????????

 

I really need some advice on what to do and what to say next.

 

Please help

[moimeme]

Tell him to come get the stuff. When he's there, ask if he wants anything else. And let him go.

[englishrose]

Ok next exciting installment:

 

He rang me at work in the afternoon and said he wanted this and that and I said fine.

When I finished work I went to see him at his works (we were on our own) and usually all through this I have been really nice and really placid as I thought getting angry wouldnt work with him.

This time I LET RIP

 

I told him that exactly what I thought of him and how disgusting his behaviour has been and told him that he was right I would never forgive him and no I dont want him back anymore. I really let him know what I had been through this last 5 weeks and told him I wasnt prepared for him to dictate to me what HE wants anymore.

 

I told him that he better make up his mind what he wants to do with the house and if he wanted to sell it I would agree as I wanted to start a new life without him in it.

 

He was absolutely amazed and he came up with a very good solution.

 

He said that we could have all the legal documents drawn up and he would pay half the mortgage and the endowment and his insurance policies and I could pay the rest. This sounded too good to be true so I asked him why he was prepared to be so generous. He said he didnt want to sell the house at the moment as if we kept paying the mortgage , then in 10 years time it would be worth even more. He is very very good at looking to the future financially as he has pensions coming out of his ears !"!!!!

 

He even said that he would help me decorate the place even though we're not selling it.

 

When I asked him to come and collect ALL of his stuff he just said Yeh there's no hurry !!!!!!

 

I also asked to look at his keys and sure enough there was my photo still on the key fob.

 

I asked him what his OW thought about the offer with the house and he said its nothing to do with her.

 

Well I thought to myself what the hell is going on here now. Is he having second thoughts and wants to keep all his options open or is he just feeling guilty and trying to do whats best for me.

 

Anyway we are meeting again tonight for a summit meeting with his step mum and her husband as mediators.

 

Should be fun !!!!!!!

 

Any thoughts on what sort of games he's playing now as I still dont trust him

[brashgal]

wow - do you really want to be 'connected' to him for the next ten years? I think you'd be better off selling the house (or having him buy you out). Just seems like another means to control you.

[englishrose]

Thank you Brashgal

 

Thats what I want to do. To sell the house and move on but hes now saying he doesnt want to sell the house. He knows that I will never be able to afford to buy another place on my own but I was going to try .

 

I know that if I agree to his proposal we will still be connected in some way but why has he changed his mind about selling it if he needs the money so badly.

 

He has already admitted that he is struggling paying for 2 households

[Freja]

I think the reason he didn't take out his clothes from the your shared house and didn't want to sell the house either is that if something happen to his relationship with this OW (for instance maybe one day he'd get bored of her or she kicked him out) then he still has you to come back!

 

So actually, indirectly he's treating you like his spare tyre now. Didn't mean to be rude but that's a fact of life.

[englishrose]

REALLY REALLY BAD DAY TODAY

 

As I was driving to work this morning I saw him get into her dad's car. This is the first time that I have seen him with her and I had a panic attack. I did the usual...Follow that car , but lost them. All sorts of things were going through my mind.

 

So I rang him a couple of hours later and said i needed to see him urgently tonight and he's coming round in an hours time.

 

I havent stopped crying all day and I know that when he gets here I am going to beg him to come back. I am such a mess and know that I cant go on without him. I just cant make it. I have no family and my whole life revolved around him so I have very few friends.

 

I know I sound like a real sad basket case but without him in my life , it has no meaning. I was acting so strong last week but now i have fallen to peices.

 

Please please someone help me