shall we have chicken for tea and by the way i'm leaving you!

[Audrey20]

Englishrose,

 

I have thought of you daily. I really urge you to not beg him to come back to you. When you hang on to someone, you create an environment where the person feels controlled and suffocated. You force the person to fight for breathing room. You push the person away. Hanging on also destroys your aliveness and mental well-being. You become consumed by fear and upset. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that constantly makes your situation worse. So, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity, let him go. Stop hanging on to him.

 

You have been soooooo strong and I really feel that he will regret leaving you and say "what the hell was I thinking?" But that is not within your control. You can not know what goes on inside his head. Each interaction he has with this other woman may be what he needs to see exactly what he has gotten himself into. However, HE needs to figure that out on his own.

 

I really hope that you continue to focus on YOU and stay out of his head. He is obviously making a mess out of his life and he has to experience the affects of his actions. Believe me, if you stay strong, move forward and get through this with dignity - it only allows him to see what he has left compared to what he has taken on.

 

I know this is hard, I am not sure I could be as strong as you are. However, I can see your situation and what you should do so much more clearly because it isn't me.

 

My counselor always tells me to "stay centered" and "stay in the adult". I am not a child anymore, I will live without my boyfriend. I won't die. I haven't yet and it has been almost a year. For the times I have begged him - it never works and it always makes me look really, really pathetic. When I am strong I feel better about myself and he always tries to "get back in".

 

Please don't let him or her wreck your life. Those of us on this board do care about you.

[englishrose]

Thank you Audrey for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

 

I havent posted for a few days as I thought I would try and collect my thoughts on everything.

 

Last tuesday he came round to see me and yes I was a complete and utter mess. I begged and begged him to come home and although he was kind and gentle holding me and stroking my hair he didnt really say an awful lot. I asked him to go after 20 mins and his last words were Is it still ok to come round sunday and pick my gear up. I said i dont know what i'm doing.

 

On thursday he left a message on my answering machine saying is it still ok for sunday? There was no way I could get back in touch with him as he wont give me her number so I just left it.

 

Yesterday afternoon he came round with a friend with a car and i was upstairs lying on the bed . He rang the door bell for 25mins and then borrowed the friends mobile and rang the house. He left a message on the a/m saying stop playing games and open the door. I know your in there. I was so afraid that I hid in the bathroom. He eventually went away.

 

I KNOW i behaved stupid but I couldnt face him and he never bothered to confirm the plans with me although he ample oportunity to ring me.

 

After that tuesday when he came round i thought i would do nc again as it does help me feel better but when he turned up yesterday i thought i would go to peices again so that's why i didnt answer the door.

 

I know I have no right to keep his stuff and I should let him have it but everytime i see him i just go to peices.

 

Even after everything that has happened I still want him back and i am not doing a very good job of getting on with my life.

 

If he rings me I will talk to him and be very indifferent and say that as he hadnt made concrete arrangements I didnt think he was coming so I went out for the day. I will tell him that of course he must have his gear and I will pack it all up for him and let him know when he can collect it.

 

What I dont want is for him to come in the house and just take what he wants.

 

I'm really really sorry to keep going on about my problems but please keep helping me.

 

One of my customers came in my shop the other day and told me that she was a counsellor and she said I've seen this scenario time and time and time again and she said just get on with your life and be happy and usually after about 9 months when the first throws of the affair has worn off he will realise just what he has done and will come crawling back. They always do.

 

Thank you everyone

[englishrose]

Hi everyone

 

Well I am soooooooooo strong today its been unbelievable.

 

Got in from work tonight and there is a solicitors letter for me saying that my wonderful husband has decided to sell the house from under me and that he wants a divorce and wants half my business as well!!!!!!!!

 

So I went down to his factory and LET RIP. I told him by the time I had finished with him he wouldnt have a P*t to P*ss in.

 

Then came home and packed all of his stuff up, loaded it in his car and dumped it in her front garden. When he came out I handed him his wedding ring and said have a nice life. She was upstairs peeking through the curtain so I gave her a friendly wave as well.

 

I feel so good as I have taken control at long last and you were all so right with what you have told me in the past.

 

I wouldnt have him back now if he was the last man on earth. I deserve someone better who doesnt lie and cheat.

 

He was still lying to me tonight as I could see right through him.

 

I'm not going to agree to his previous idea of paying half towards the house. I am going to go for the full equity value so I have a new home and I'm going to claim on his insurances, pensions and anything else I can get my hands on/

 

HE IS REALLY REALLY GOING TO SUFFER LIKE HE'S MADE ME SUFFER THESE PAST 7 WEEKS.

 

First thing in the morning I am making an appointment with my solicitor to start the ball rolling. I dont want anything more to do with this B*s*a*d and he's not going to control my life any more.

 

One thing good to come out of all this is I have lost 2 stone in weight and look good!!!!!!

 

If anyone else can offer me any advice or things I should be thinking of doing then please help me

Thank you

[Barby]

I have been following your story and read your updates. I'm sorry that he couldn't be man enough to tell you face to face or at least tell you himself that he wanted out for sure and that he wanted to sell your home.

 

It was a VERY cowardly thing for him to do NOT to tell you but instead make you find out through a (lawyer I'm assuming)'s letter. How horrible and inconsiderate!

 

I'm glad that you are seeing through him and hope you don't allow him to worm his way back in once he realizes you're serious and won't buckle easy under his preasure and that you won't allow him to take you for all your worth!

 

Screw him like he's been screwing you!!!

[clynn]

What a horrible ordeal you've been through and are still going through.

 

Take care.

 

These are stories that make me never ever want to get married.

 

All the best,

[englishrose]

Thank you Barby & Clynn for your words.

 

Only a week ago he was being all nice and saying that he wanted us to split the mortgage so I could stay in my home and now he goes and does the complete opposite.

I am sure that the ow is behind all this egging him on as she thinks she's going to get cash out of all this.

 

Well she can think again. She may have my husband but she's not getting anything else.

 

Barby ..there is no way that I will allow him to worm his way back in even if he's broke . He's lied to me and I will never trust him again.

 

Found out today that ow husband (who she kicked out a few months ago) was accused of being a paedephile (although never proven) and she had him back after that. Just goes to show you what sort of woman she is. All three kids taken away by social services.

 

They deserve each other. I have worked hard these last 10 years to get a nice home and a good business and NO ONE is going to take that away from me.

 

The gloves are off and I'm coming out fighting.

[beatjunkies]

wow you seem like you are out on a mission !!! haha good for you though. At least now you no there is no turning back.. This shows me to not F with a woman because females can get very revengful !! haha He deserves it though. It just sucks how you can care about someone soo much and do anything for them and they F you over like this and dont give a toss about anyone except themselves !!

 

Take all his shiz ! I would kill my ex if she ever cheated on me !! Not really but thats going way over the line in a relationship..

 

There will be days you might feel weak again but just think of all the crap you've gone through.. Good luck and I hope everything works out in your favor !!

[englishrose]

Thanks Beatjunkies

 

As Ivana Trump said

 

"Don't get even...get everything !!!!"

 

No seriously I am sick to death of all his crap and lies. He is not the man I married 7 years ago and I am seeing his true self now.

 

Everything we have together is because of me and MY hard work. He did nothing but hang on to my coat tails and now I've taken off my coat.

 

I know I have a lot to take on but I will get through it with all your help.

 

I am frightened of what is going to happen with all the lawyers and everything and I know that he is going to make me feel as if its all my fault BUT I have to keep telling myself He was the one who chose to end this marriage and not work things out..so thats his decision.

 

All I can do is to protect myself and look after no 1 I am not a naturally vindictive person but this has hurt me so much that my survival instincts are kicking in big time.

[InLimbo2]

"All I can do is to protect myself and look after no 1 I am not a naturally vindictive person but this has hurt me so much that my survival instincts are kicking in big time."

 

Welcome to the beginning of the next phase! You are no longer thinking him of like you did in the past - you are finally realizing that he is no longer your best friend, he's no longer looking out for your best interests, and he is no longer your ally! This is a HUGE step and absolutely crucial in protecting you during negotiations.

 

At least here in the States, even though technically adultery is not supposed to matter - it factors heavily in property settlements - judges are people and their prejudices do affect their decisions.

 

As you negotiate - keep that in the forefront of your mind! Remember, deal from a position of strength - you can always be generous later if you wish - but you should start out with the upper hand.

[englishrose]

Hi everyone

Sorry I havent posted for a while but a lot has happened.

 

Thanks to you all I have remained strong and focused on what I want to do.

I have arranged a mortgage to buy him out and have been busy with decorating a reorganising the house how I want it to be. I have packed up everything that belongs to him and he has been round a couple of times to pick it up. The last time he turned up he was waiting for HER daughter to turn up in the car to fetch him and I couldnt believe it but SHE was sat in the car. I told him to tell her not to get out of the car or I wouldnt be responsible for what happened to her.... What a flaming nerve of the woman !!!!! He was as shocked as I was to see her and you could tell that he wasnt very happy !!!!!!

 

The last time he came to see me a couple of days ago he told me how he missed certain things like our wonderful shower (she has a dirty batch apparantly !!!!)

He misses the peace and quiet and all the other home comforts and I couldnt believe what he said when he went to leave, The rat told me that he still LOVED me . Now bearing in mind that all the way through this he has told me he doesnt love me but cares about me... Now he says he loves me.

 

I know that he is nearly out of money as he has been decorating her place (what a kind and considerate man he is!!!)

 

Well as far as I'm concerned he can be penniless and I still wont have him back although I am weakening slightly. I know even after the way he has treated me that I still love him and want him to come home but I cant back down at this moment in time because I know I will be a mess again.

[clynn]

Wow, I think hats off to you for keeping it together and being able to redecorate your home and do all that work.

 

Of course it is necessray, but also very hard work considering how difficult it has been for you (sometimes it can be hard to accomplish much when one is sad).

 

All the best.

[BigB]

 

stay strong. and take every $$ you can get your hands on.

 

don't be afraid to use evidence of his affair against him in court.