Really annoyed and hurt, just need some words of !

[TealQueen]

My fiance and I have been dating for 2 years and moved in together 2 months ago. Before we moved in, wed spend about 2 days a week together, just depending on our work schedules.

 

I just finished reading the Five Love Languages book, and we both took the quiz to find what our Language is. He said he'd read the book after I told him how great I thought it was. We have different love languages. Mine is quality time. He knows. But it's like he's not making an effort to "speak" it to me. His is physical touch and that's how he tries to show me his love, by rubbing my leg, running his hand through my hair and whatnot.

That's nice and all but it's like a drop in the bucket, whereas quality time together is like a cupful into the bucket.

We both work 8-5 jobs. I get home first, and I try to have dinner ready or at least started by the time he gets home (we live quite a bit closer to my job) We'll eat together on the couch, normally while watching Netflix or while he surfs the web (the tv is the computer, so he still does that while sitting by me on the couch) After dinner hell usually get on xbox until who knows when. Wee hours of the morning long after I've gone to bed.

Sometimes I'll ask him to come to bed with me. 9/10 times he'll say 'not tonight' or 'im playing with my friends' or whatnot.

Sometimes I'll ask him to shower with me and 9/10 times he will say those exact same things with the additional 'i shower in the mornings, you know that' (fyi, he doesn't. on his days off he might but he doesnt during the week..if he showers it's like 2 minutes before he goes to bed.)

Sometimes I'll come on to him and 9/10 times he'll say those exact same things. Or he'll say, "i want to play this awhile more, we will later" Later never comes. He'll still come to bed at 2 or something, after I've been sleeping for hours.

We don't have sex that often. Maybe once a week. At my initiation normally.

Yesterday we went out to dinner and spent time together once we got home and I really enjoyed it and was happy. Then we went to bed and I noticed he was on his phone for a long time so i asked what he was doing. He was reading Literotica...and jerking off. I basically rolled over and cried. It hurts me. He has those urges but he'd rather jerk off or watch porn.

 

I've tried telling him I'd like to spend more time together and he gets annoyed and says. "we aren't going to spend every free second together" we don't. not even nearly.

 

And on top of all that, he has started doing Uber today (an app where you can give or receive rides from people. He's giving rides) He makes plenty of money, he doesn't need to do that. I just called him and he's been sitting around for the past hour and a half just waiting for the off chance that someone will need a ride somewhere nearby. Doesn't know when he'll be home.

 

there's probably more but this is long enough.

 

After reading that book, it really opened my eyes. I can relate so much to the quality time chapter and I need that from him. He's going to read it (sometime...) but in the mean time, I need it. Last time I told him of something that was bothering me that he was doing/said, he got annoyed and told me not to take it personally.

 

I know this thread makes it seem bad, but he's a good guy. He's good to me, it's just this quality time thing. He thinks that because we live in the same place, that if we're both home, we're spending time together. He can be playing video games and I'm in the room watching tv, but to him, that is spending time together. And that to me doesn't count.

[CarrieT]

You both sound young - perhaps too young to be engaged?

 

Also, for some of us, this is exactly WHY you live together before marriage; it shows you how the other lives and how you two live together.

 

I hate to say that this all does not bode well, considering he gets annoyed at you even trying to have the discussion about the issues bother you.

 

What is his reasoning for wanting to be married? Is he going to be playing computer games every night?

[Poppygoodwill]

I'm sorry to say it, but he sounds like he's purposely distancing himself from you. The gaming until all hours, declining sex and hang out time, always having a movie on or surfing the web when you're eating so you can't really talk and relate, and of course instead of coming home he's out killing time waiting for other people.

 

It seems there is a pattern of him looking for any reason he can find not to be close to you.

 

I think that's what you might focus on, rather than the different languages of love you speak.

 

because the behaviour you describe is not the loving behaviour of a fiance. It's more like a person leaning toward the exit door who hasn't yet figured out how exactly to get out of it.

[TealQueen]

This has been happening before I read the book. I read the book yesterday.

we have things in common just he takes his video game obsession to unreal levels.

[Miss Awesome]

We have different love languages. Mine is quality time. He knows. But it's like he's not making an effort to "speak" it to me. His is physical touch and that's how he tries to show me his love, by rubbing my leg, running his hand through my hair and whatnot.

That's nice and all but it's like a drop in the bucket, whereas quality time together is like a cupful into the bucket.

 

Are you making an effort to understand his language? It sure doesn't sound like it. "That's nice and all" is a very dismissive statement that really implies that you don't think it's that great, and then you go on to explicitly say that the way he shows love is not equivalent to the way you show love. That yours is more substantial. Of course you feel that way, but he obviously feels differently. And of course a relationship is a two-way street, so yes, he should make some effort to show love to you in a way that you best feel it (i.e., quality time), but you should also make some effort to interpret his physical touch as a very loving thing (i.e., just as loving as quality time).

[jackslife]

This isn't good. Firstly buying a counselling book and thinking it will sort your problems seems like madness to me.

 

Secondly you are young and at the start of a relationship - the time when you should be totally into each other and bouncing off the walls - and he doesn't want to spend time with you.

 

There are clearly issues here and if you want the relationship to continue you need to make time to sit down together and talk through your issues with him. If he's dismissive then you need to think about whether you have a future together.

 

I agree with the post that said he appears to be deliberately distancing himself from you, maybe even provoking a conflict that will force you to end it rather than facing up to doing that himself.

[d0nnivain]

I know you speak two different languages, but when he uses touch can you make a conscious effort to intellectually remind yourself that he is telling you how much he does love you? Since he isn't speaking your language, are you willing to learn his?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I'll come on to him and 9/10 times he'll say those exact same things. Or he'll say, "i want to play this awhile more, we will later" Later never comes. He'll still come to bed at 2 or something, after I've been sleeping for hours.

We don't have sex that often. Maybe once a week. At my initiation normally.

Yesterday we went out to dinner and spent time together once we got home and I really enjoyed it and was happy. Then we went to bed and I noticed he was on his phone for a long time so i asked what he was doing. He was reading Literotica...and jerking off. I basically rolled over and cried. It hurts me. He has those urges but he'd rather jerk off or watch porn.

While sex doesn't get "worse" after marriage (I personally like the familiarity of a long-term partner), it often gets less frequent.

 

And since it's already relatively infrequent now, the math is not in your favor.

 

I certainly wouldn't move ahead with marriage unless this is resolved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jackslife]

I know you speak two different languages, but when he uses touch can you make a conscious effort to intellectually remind yourself that he is telling you how much he does love you? Since he isn't speaking your language, are you willing to learn his?

 

Sorry Donnivain, this book sounds like pseudo intellectual b******t to me. Forget the I'm a flowers, sunrise person and he's a touch you to say I love you person...

 

He did the book to keep her happy then went back to the games console. His actions show how he feels - doesn't initiate sex, not talking, would rather play games, would rather give people lifts in his car (WTF is that all about!?).

 

Whether he is a man pretending he's still a boy, or just isn't interested his actions are clear. He is not committed to the relationship.