RR82915 Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 opinion...... I reconnected with a friend and the friendship turned into an affair just shy of a year ago. He and I have had a great friendship/relationship, although he is several hours away. We talk daily, rarely a day goes by without us having some form of conversation. He is married and states he cant leave his wife right now due to financial reasons. He has asked me to give him one year (from now)to get himself straight and we could be together. We have had a wonderful relationship over the last year.... Recently he has been very distant, still contacts me daily, but definately not as often and is very distant when we do talk. We have argued three times just this week... and Im not really sure what we even argued about. (We havent argued three times in the near year we have talked). I have asked him if he wants to end the relationship, he states no and says he loves me and I am his best friend. The arguments we have had is almost like he has started them on purpose. Do you think he really wants to end this but doesnt want to be the "BAD GUY"??? Does he have someone else? Why didn't he take the out when I asked him the other day? Why didnt he just say, yes I want this over? I know this is complicated and I have left out TONS of details but I need some guidance, some answers.... Opinions???? Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 He is probably conflicted. I don't have any real advice other than 1) walk away if you can 2)otherwise hold him to his word of one year...one year has a way of growing into 2,3 etc...draw the line and leave so you don't waste more heartache on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 opinion..... briefly, is that if somehow you have the strength to hold yourself and back off from the relationship, then I think one year is very reasonable for him to settle his marriage... and for you to detach and prepare yourself, just in the likely case he won't make it. Hopefully, things will go into your way, and finally have the chance to develop a right relationship with him then. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) He's conditioning you to accept your place in his life. Give then take is part of the MO. He picks fights to manipulate and control. Tell me how YOU treat people you love and adore? His actions say he's controlling. He wants what he wants. Try opposing him and see how he reacts. Actions are everything, words are cheap! Edited July 11, 2014 by IfWishesWereHorses 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pixiecut Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 why would he? he's ok with how things are. You're the one who wants something. he's giving you the "this is what it is, take it or leave it scenario" all the responsibility is on you, if you chose to stay he gets what he wants, if you threaten to end it i bet he'll beg you not to, but won't actually do anything to meet you half way. are you applying pressure to leave? indirectly? him picking fights or distancing maybe a his way of "punishing" you to keep control of the situation and keep you where you are. Do you believe he'll leave within a year? what will change in his finances that will allow him to do it that he cannot do now. id try to assess how valid his reasons for not leaving are and then decide if hes putting it off indefinitely quoting a vague financial excuse. I'm really sorry for what you're dealing with but it sounds like he's holding all the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 The same reason he can't just tell his wife it's over instead of probably pretending everything is fine while having an affair is most likely the same reason why if he wants to end it with you or has someone else he won't simply say so or end things.... Don't listen to what he says, observe what he does. I would let things play out and allow him to be distant and all the rest and see how far he takes it. If it only gets worse, then chances are it is because he wants to end things but doesn't want to be the bad guy and hopes you get a clue with the distancing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 The same reason he can't just tell his wife it's over instead of probably pretending everything is fine while having an affair is most likely the same reason why if he wants to end it with you or has someone else he won't simply say so or end things.... Don't listen to what he says, observe what he does. I would let things play out and allow him to be distant and all the rest and see how far he takes it. If it only gets worse, then chances are it is because he wants to end things but doesn't want to be the bad guy and hopes you get a clue with the distancing. Miss Bee's correct, if he is conflict avoidant in his marriage, he is likely doing the same thing here. He prefers to avoid or escape from his problems, instead of dealing with them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Since you want him, why not honor what you want and tell him he has ONE WEEK to make severe changes or it's over? It's YOUR life - placing it on hold for a year to meet HIS terms while there's no solid evidence he plans to end it is a crazy waste of another year. You want him? Tell him that means now. He will either get busy filing for divorce or he won't - but at least you'll have your answer within a week not a year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 opinion....... Do you think he really wants to end this but doesnt want to be the "BAD GUY"??? Does he have someone else? Why didn't he take the out when I asked him the other day? Why didnt he just say, yes I want this over? I know this is complicated and I have left out TONS of details but I need some guidance, some answers.... Opinions???? He's already the bad guy. When the two of you started the affair, him cheating behind his bs back and giving excuses as to why he cannot leave, then, he became the bad guy. Yes he does have someone else....his wife. Why didn't he just say, yes, I want this over? Why would he give up the affair without being caught? Have you ever thought about the real reason he's cheating with you? Not by the words coming from his mouth but the actual truth? I know you said you two had a relationship before this affair, but can you trust him to love you unconditionally? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Well, I don't know what the previous posters were talking about, but this did happen in my relationship. It turned out the reason he did this was that he panicked because he was scared. We were so close, he was spending no time with anyone else, wanted to end his marriage and didn't know how. He was afraid plain and simple. However, the answer is still the same. Watch his actions. See what he does. If you pull back, does he stay back or does he bounce toward you? Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Why would anyone tell the OP that it was a good idea to wait ANOTHER year for this guy to maybe leave his marriage? Why would anyone think that is healthy for the OP? He's distant and arguementative....could be he has another OOW; could be he wants to keep you close cause who knows what you will do if he tells you its over (such as tell his wife); he likes having an ego stroke so he doesn't want to 'end' it with you; but he's not as into it as he was...who knows. I do know it is pretty crappy for him to ask you to wait ANOTHER year for him to allegedly end his marriage. Everyone has financial issues, for the most part, so why is that excuse okay for you? And it is an excuse. If he loves you, he would never want you to wait another year. Heck, he wouldn't want to wait another year. So you are supposed to sit back, have a secret long distance affair while he goes on vacation with his wife, spends all his 'free' time with her, goes to bed with her every night, discuss future plans (redoing the bathroom, painting the bedroom, putting money away for a trip to Paris, etc) while you sit and wait for a phone call, text or email and go to bed alone each night? That's crap, IMHO. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 The same reason he can't just tell his wife it's over instead of probably pretending everything is fine while having an affair is most likely the same reason why if he wants to end it with you or has someone else he won't simply say so or end things.... "DON"T LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS OBSERVE WHAT HE DOES!" I would let things play out and allow him to be distant and all the rest and see how far he takes it. If it only gets worse, then chances are it is because he wants to end things but doesn't want to be the bad guy and hopes you get a clue with the distancing. I would just like to reiterate in capital letters the words from MissBee - truer words never spoken. That is a lesson we can use in all aspects of our life. His mouth may be moving with sweet words of love but what are his actions. THAT'S what matters. Truly. Pray for a discerning spirit. Hi Bee long time no see. So glad you are still sharing your wisdom. Such a gift you have! xxxxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thread starter logged out 30 seconds after posting this and hasn't returned so we'll call this one post wonder done and thank everyone for your thoughtful responses. Link to post Share on other sites
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