Love Addiction

[Mommame2]

So, I have posted here before. I have many weak moments. And tonight is one of them. My therapist thinks I'm a love addict...because of my withdrawl issues. So, I would like some feedback. I'm feeling weak.

 

 

I've been married 13 years. We have one child who is 8.

Husband is a very depressed person normally. He's very sarcastic...with his "humor" and can be manipulative. I have told my story in parts here before..but for some reason "I" have trouble letting it sink in.

 

 

I am not happy with him. I'm not sure if I love him still. We don't have s*x anymore. He is often nice to me by making me dinner of offering to rub my shoulders etc....but that usually happens after he's asked me to do something like file bankruptcy alone. My problem is I have trouble seeing the two issues going hand and hand. I want to believe he is a nice person and I often see myself as the screw up.

 

 

But, I've had therapist after therapist tell me that I need to take the rose colored glasses off.

 

 

SO here's where we stand. He's working on his own business... and avoiding any fulltime employment. I work 50 plus hours a week. I told him I was TIRED of working so much. I was tired of our bills and I wanted to have a break. I have always been the breadwinner and I just want to feel less of a gun to my head. His response was that he would call his parents and see if he could get them to support us ... so I could look at another job that could have better hours. Obviously, he wasn't serious...that was manipulation.

 

 

So then he talked about me filing for bankruptcy by myself. He felt if HE filed it would allow the government to change our living situation and it would ruin his credit when his business is just starting. But, in my state, in order to file "alone" ..at my income level...I would have to be separated/divorced and living in separate quarters. So he told me "do what you have to do"...he offered to get an apartment to allow the paper trail to be created for the courts....and he expects that we will get back together when it's done. We are so broke. Barely making ends meet and have a very expensive house lease that we can't get out of for a year. (without losing about the same amount as we would gain if we moved).

 

 

So I filed for "divorce" and he thinks it is just for the paper trail. But, I am trying to make it a REAL divorce. But, I don't know how to handle the living situation since we are almost broke... and I don't know how to handle the parental custody. I work 50 plus hours a week. I have no flexibility. He has a ton of flexibility and make little money. So should I allow my husband to have majority of custody of our son? Or should I get angry and hire an au pair and have full custody?

 

 

My husband is just not one to be mature about this.. and I know he's going to freak out when he recognizes that this is too little to late.

 

 

But, as I sit here and type all of this...I think WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST stay together. Don't be selfish.... he doesn't beat you...just do your best. You are better off together than divorced.

 

 

Please someone tell me what you think about this scenario. I am having a weak night. Would you stay with this man? Will I be better off divorced?

[thekid36]

So, I have posted here before. I have many weak moments. And tonight is one of them. My therapist thinks I'm a love addict...because of my withdrawl issues. So, I would like some feedback. I'm feeling weak.

 

 

I've been married 13 years. We have one child who is 8.

Husband is a very depressed person normally. He's very sarcastic...with his "humor" and can be manipulative. I have told my story in parts here before..but for some reason "I" have trouble letting it sink in.

 

 

I am not happy with him. I'm not sure if I love him still. We don't have s*x anymore. He is often nice to me by making me dinner of offering to rub my shoulders etc....but that usually happens after he's asked me to do something like file bankruptcy alone. My problem is I have trouble seeing the two issues going hand and hand. I want to believe he is a nice person and I often see myself as the screw up.

 

 

But, I've had therapist after therapist tell me that I need to take the rose colored glasses off.

 

 

SO here's where we stand. He's working on his own business... and avoiding any fulltime employment. I work 50 plus hours a week. I told him I was TIRED of working so much. I was tired of our bills and I wanted to have a break. I have always been the breadwinner and I just want to feel less of a gun to my head. His response was that he would call his parents and see if he could get them to support us ... so I could look at another job that could have better hours. Obviously, he wasn't serious...that was manipulation.

 

 

So then he talked about me filing for bankruptcy by myself. He felt if HE filed it would allow the government to change our living situation and it would ruin his credit when his business is just starting. But, in my state, in order to file "alone" ..at my income level...I would have to be separated/divorced and living in separate quarters. So he told me "do what you have to do"...he offered to get an apartment to allow the paper trail to be created for the courts....and he expects that we will get back together when it's done. We are so broke. Barely making ends meet and have a very expensive house lease that we can't get out of for a year. (without losing about the same amount as we would gain if we moved).

 

 

So I filed for "divorce" and he thinks it is just for the paper trail. But, I am trying to make it a REAL divorce. But, I don't know how to handle the living situation since we are almost broke... and I don't know how to handle the parental custody. I work 50 plus hours a week. I have no flexibility. He has a ton of flexibility and make little money. So should I allow my husband to have majority of custody of our son? Or should I get angry and hire an au pair and have full custody?

 

 

My husband is just not one to be mature about this.. and I know he's going to freak out when he recognizes that this is too little to late.

 

 

But, as I sit here and type all of this...I think WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST stay together. Don't be selfish.... he doesn't beat you...just do your best. You are better off together than divorced.

 

 

Please someone tell me what you think about this scenario. I am having a weak night. Would you stay with this man? Will I be better off divorced?

 

 

So, your other half is definitively depressed, sort of sarcastic, and a master at manipulation. Not to mention that your sex life is far from satisfactory. This all has you not being happy with him. I think that this is a reaction which makes sense. Wanting to be happy is not selfish at all.

 

 

Just because he is nice while wanting something from you does not make him husband of the year. Nor is it any kind of reason to stay with him going forward.

 

 

He clearly has been showing no indication of trying to help out with your financial situation. Desperate decisions to borrow money do not make him a go-getter. Nor do they really make him much of a man.

 

 

It honestly sounds as if he has been playing with you for quite awhile now. You are the one doing all of the work in the real world while he is out having fun chasing a fantasy. That does not sound too fair.

 

 

There are so many other issues that seem to be going on here. It makes sense that you would worry about what will happen should you end up leaving him. The first few days are not going to be easy and there are bound to be challenges. Change can be very scary.

 

 

The thing is that down the road, you and the child are going to very likely be better off without him. The other option does not seem to make sense. Why stay with a 'man' who is not pleasant most of the time, who has a crass sense of humor, who uses people to get what he wants, who refuses to help support his family, and who could not find your G-spot even with a specialized toy?

[Mommame2]

Thanks for your reply. I think it really helps me to lay this stuff out and get perspective. But I also know that I need to stop turning the tables and asking others for their opinion so much....

 

I just go back into denial after getting strong. It is true that this stuff has been going on for awhile. I have been an enabler and allowed much of the manipulation.

 

Sometimes I think ...well...what's wrong with me? Why don't I love him enough or why don't I want to fight for this. We had done therapy together and that only ended with more fighting. Recently I asked him to go back to therapy and he chose not to. He said rehashing the past was not going to help... So he said no.

 

As we sit right now... I have filed divorce. (He thinks it is just related to bankruptcy even though I asked for a REAL divorce a few weeks ago). He is getting work, but it is hard to say how much profit he is ending up with after renting equipment etc.

 

He's polite to me and he (or a sitter ) watch our son a good majority of the time, since I am always working. That won't change right away through divorce... Obviously. And that's the hard part.

 

But he's a snapshot of our life. I had an assignment recently at work where I had to be present for the President's visit to our town. I was going to be up close and personal with him. I was getting ready to leave and my husband was making small talk but had nothing to say about my assignment. Then as I was about to leave he said "you should probably know you were back to snoring last night.." (I recently had surgery on my sinuses that was supposed to reduce that). I told him that my surgery is still very new and the swelling could still cause that. He didn't say anything and then I left.

 

I walked out the door and thought wow... That's our life! I'm always doing something wrong.

[Emilia]

I have read some of your threads OP. You absolutely have to divorce him. He has almost completely destroyed your self esteem.

[thekid36]

Thanks for your reply. I think it really helps me to lay this stuff out and get perspective. But I also know that I need to stop turning the tables and asking others for their opinion so much....

 

I just go back into denial after getting strong. It is true that this stuff has been going on for awhile. I have been an enabler and allowed much of the manipulation.

 

Sometimes I think ...well...what's wrong with me? Why don't I love him enough or why don't I want to fight for this. We had done therapy together and that only ended with more fighting. Recently I asked him to go back to therapy and he chose not to. He said rehashing the past was not going to help... So he said no.

 

As we sit right now... I have filed divorce. (He thinks it is just related to bankruptcy even though I asked for a REAL divorce a few weeks ago). He is getting work, but it is hard to say how much profit he is ending up with after renting equipment etc.

 

He's polite to me and he (or a sitter ) watch our son a good majority of the time, since I am always working. That won't change right away through divorce... Obviously. And that's the hard part.

 

But he's a snapshot of our life. I had an assignment recently at work where I had to be present for the President's visit to our town. I was going to be up close and personal with him. I was getting ready to leave and my husband was making small talk but had nothing to say about my assignment. Then as I was about to leave he said "you should probably know you were back to snoring last night.." (I recently had surgery on my sinuses that was supposed to reduce that). I told him that my surgery is still very new and the swelling could still cause that. He didn't say anything and then I left.

 

I walked out the door and thought wow... That's our life! I'm always doing something wrong.

 

 

It's hard to not become an enabler when one is completely in love and used to a specific situation. You are perhaps comfortable with him because of all the time that has been spent together. Yet, just because we are used to something does not by itself make it healthy. So, no need to beat yourself up at this point. What's definitely more important is what you are going to do now.

 

 

You definitely deserve a supportive partner who makes you completely happy. One who is there for you and steps up to the plate like a man. Not just one who is convenient or one you're used to. It does not sound like anything is going to change on his end and there are so many areas that need to be addressed. Ones which he is not even willing to talk about. Based on the fact that he will not even go to therapy.

[Mr. Lucky]

But, as I sit here and type all of this...I think WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST stay together. Don't be selfish.... he doesn't beat you...just do your best. You are better off together than divorced.

Stay penniless and sexless in order to maintain the status quo? You should sit down until that feeling passes. Besides being obviously unsustainable for you, what an tough environment to raise children in.

 

Hopefully you want and expect more for yourself and them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mommame2]

Well today he told me that he MAY have gotten a very good freelance gig that he is very excited about. But said it is down the road... He is trying to get more work. But he says with that work .. He will need to buy more equipment. (Which I understand but it means that he should get a regular job and stop the freelance).

 

I guess I thought hard today .. What if he started making a lot of money? What if he got his act together? Then what?

 

Well it would be better... But that doesn't take away the negativity and lack of emotional attachment and physical. I would imagine he would be thrilled if I threw myself at him .. But I just don't want to have sex with him because of all the other issues. Am I bad for not wanting it?

[scobro]

Sounds like you have lost respect for him in a way and have resentment because of the financial burden you carry.Sounds like he does what he likes as far as an interest for his work and you slave at a job you don't really like.Good gig for him.You need to sit down and communicate how you feel that's the only way.If the communication is lacking there is no way he will know how you are feeling and it will get to the point you will be ready for divorce and he will be sitting back wondering what the hell is going on??

[Mommame2]

Yeah I have communicated this to him. And I ended up telling him last month (again) that I thought we were done. He said no to any further therapy. He said he doesn't like dwelling on past mistakes.

 

So I don't know how much more I can say?

[Mommame2]

I texted my husband this afternoon and told him that I was going through all the financial documents pertaining to the filing. He responded with this text " "

 

That's the treatment I discuss that leaves me feeling stressed...

[health]

Holy crap, he called his parents for support? What kind of man is that? Did he ever work to support himself, or was he always dependent on people. The point of being Adult is to fully support yourself financially and then help others. There are so many people out there that have no family support. It's like he wants the easy way out all the time - and he want stop run business? A small business is harder to pull off than full time work, much much harder! Good luck!

[Mommame2]

Yes he has always worked throughout our marriage. He's actually very talented at what he does...however, he would only take jobs that he preferred. If we had to relocate for my job (I made triple his salary) he would be thrilled that I was getting a promotion but would not take a job on the new city unless it had perfect hours.. Perfect situation etc. He is VERY good, but he would not sacrifice anything. And since we are in the same industry.. Often I got his jobs for him.

 

But that is no longer the case... He's currently avoiding bosses like the plague and doing his own freelance business. And yes, it has not exactly been a cakewalk. One month he brought it about 1 thousand dollars... But he is just now getting more gigs. But he wants to buy more equipment.

[Mr. Lucky]

But that is no longer the case... He's currently avoiding bosses like the plague and doing his own freelance business. And yes, it has not exactly been a cakewalk. One month he brought it about 1 thousand dollars... But he is just now getting more gigs. But he wants to buy more equipment.

The good news is that, post divorce, that all becomes his problem...

 

Mr. Lucky