Secretive and hiding who she texts. I find out it's an ex...

[germain]

Last night my girlfriend of about 3 or so months had her phone on the table next to us. I briefly caught a text on her screen from her ex, quickly she flipped over the phone, hoping I didn't see it.

 

I confronted her about it, and she said she just didn't want me to get upset over who she was talking to. But why hide it? I would have found something eventually, checking the time, grabbing her phone for her, etc. Surely she knew hiding it would only make things look worse.

 

I've noticed she almost always hides her phone/screen when she's around me, but I never invested too much into it and decided to trust her, but now that I know why she has been doing this, I'm pretty concerned. She said they don't talk often, but if she's hiding her phone constantly, is she really talking to that many people who she doesn't want me to be concerned about?

 

I'm so conflicted. I talk to my ex every month or so to catch up, and while I don't mention doing so, I would never hide it. I don't believe anything is going on. I want to trust her, but I don't know if I can get over this.

[marcjb]

Drop her immediately. I can assure you that nothing good will come from this. The only thing that will happen is she might tell you she is going to stop, but really she's just going to hide thing from you better. People that keep around their ex's like to play with fire, and the result is that not only she is going to get burned, but you as well.

[writergal]

Last night my girlfriend of about 3 or so months had her phone on the table next to us. I briefly caught a text on her screen from her ex, quickly she flipped over the phone, hoping I didn't see it.

 

I confronted her about it, and she said she just didn't want me to get upset over who she was talking to. But why hide it? I would have found something eventually, checking the time, grabbing her phone for her, etc. Surely she knew hiding it would only make things look worse.

 

I've noticed she almost always hides her phone/screen when she's around me, but I never invested too much into it and decided to trust her, but now that I know why she has been doing this, I'm pretty concerned. She said they don't talk often, but if she's hiding her phone constantly, is she really talking to that many people who she doesn't want me to be concerned about?

 

I'm so conflicted. I talk to my ex every month or so to catch up, and while I don't mention doing so, I would never hide it. I don't believe anything is going on. I want to trust her, but I don't know if I can get over this.

 

I get that you are concerned but I sense a double standard from you, in that it's ok if you talk to your ex-girlfriend but not ok if she talks to her ex-boyfriend. And you admit that you keep your convos with your ex a secret from your girlfriend too. And for the record: not mentioning that you talk to your ex-girlfriend is the SAME as hiding it.

 

Don't you think your girlfriend would be upset if she knew you were talking with your ex-girlfriend every month behind her back?

 

I wrote this about trust in another thread but I'll repeat it here: it takes years to build trust and seconds to destroy it. I don't see any trust between you and your girlfriend happening, the way you keep secrets from each other about who you talk to.

 

Trust is part of any good relationship's foundation. Without that trust in place, it's hard for two people to build a healthy relationship together.

 

I think you should come clean to your girlfriend about talking to you ex, and ask her how often she talks to her ex. If you can't be honest with each other this early on, then I only see major problems for you both down the road.

Edited July 11, 2014 by writergal

[germain]

 

She knows I talk to my ex, and I've assured her there are no intimate feelings there. I don't care that she talks to an ex but rather that she hides it from me and is potentially lying about the frequency. If I had found the same thing without her hiding it right as I did, it would be a different story. What she did just made her look suspicious.

[writergal]

She knows I talk to my ex, and I've assured her there are no intimate feelings there. I don't care that she talks to an ex but rather that she hides it from me and is potentially lying about the frequency. If I had found the same thing without her hiding it right as I did, it would be a different story. What she did just made her look suspicious.

 

But you wrote that you never mention your convos with your ex to your girlfriend, so it seems like you are hiding the convos from her. Do you ever discuss what you and your ex talk about with your girlfriend? Or do you keep your convos with your ex totally private?

 

When you confronted her about hiding her phone, you said in your OP that your girlfriend told you that she was afraid you'd be mad. Why is that? If you share with her what you talk about with your ex, then I could see why you'd be mad if she keeps the convos she has with her ex-bf private.

 

Even though you've only dated for 3 months, I think that's long enough where both of you should be totally open with each other about the kinds of things you talk about with your exes. Otherwise, like I said, there's no chance for you to build trust with each other. A good relationship has no secrets. And that includes what you talk about with your ex.

Edited July 11, 2014 by writergal

[germain]

But you wrote that you never mention your convos with your ex to your girlfriend, so it seems like you are hiding the convos from her. Do you ever discuss what you and your ex talk about with your girlfriend? Or do you keep your convos with your ex totally private?

 

When you confronted her about hiding her phone, you said in your OP that your girlfriend told you that she was afraid you'd be mad. Do you ever share with your girlfriend what you talk about with your ex-girlfriend? That's why your suspicious of your girlfriend, b/c you don't know what she talks about with her ex?

 

Even though you've only dated for 3 months, I think that's long enough where both of you should be totally open with each other about the kinds of things you talk about with your exes. Otherwise, like I said, there's no chance for you to build trust with each other. A good relationship has no secrets. And that includes what you talk about with your ex.

 

I'm giving it a few days before we talk again to figure out what we should do. I have no issues telling her what I talk to my ex about and have actually included that in what I want to say to her-what we talk about. The only reason I haven't mentioned the three or four times we've communicated and about what is because I've never had a reason to in conversation, and would she really care about it if she didn't ask? If anything my bringing it up unprovoked would just upset her I imagine-"why is he telling me about his ex?" I'd let her read the conversations if she wanted to. Nothing to hide right? I'm not going to ask the same of her, because I know trusting her is important. The secrecy is the issue here, actively trying to hide it that makes me question her and deals a bit of a blow to my trust in her. If I had saw it without her hiding it, I might have been a little worried and asked her about it and what they talk about, but that would have been it. I don't hide my phone and know that my ex or whoever could text me at some point. Would it upset her? Probably, but we'd get through it because it wasn't being intentionally hidden from her.

[writergal]

 

I'm giving it a few days before we talk again to figure out what we should do. I have no issues telling her what I talk to my ex about and have actually included that in what I want to say to her-what we talk about. The only reason I haven't mentioned the three or four times we've communicated and about what is because I've never had a reason to in conversation, and would she really care about it if she didn't ask? If anything my bringing it up unprovoked would just upset her I imagine-"why is he telling me about his ex?" I'd let her read the conversations if she wanted to. Nothing to hide right? I'm not going to ask the same of her, because I know trusting her is important. The secrecy is the issue here, actively trying to hide it that makes me question her and deals a bit of a blow to my trust in her. If I had saw it without her hiding it, I might have been a little worried and asked her about it and what they talk about, but that would have been it. I don't hide my phone and know that my ex or whoever could text me at some point. Would it upset her? Probably, but we'd get through it because it wasn't being intentionally hidden from her.

 

Ok the secrecy issue is a valid concern of yours, I don't disagree with you there. She doesn't need to hide her phone from you ever, esp. when her ex texts her. But if they are having an inappropriate convo between them then yes, you need to know so you can decide what you want to do.

 

Trust is important. I can see why you don't want to provoke concern by bringing up convos you have with your ex that aren't necessarily important to your relationship (not that any discussion with an ex ever is, unless it's "I'm getting back together with my ex now, cya").

 

So is she still hiding her phone after you confronted her about it? Or is she at least trying to be more transparent now with it when her ex texts her?

 

When a guy I dated actually lied to me about a text he received (which I read before I gave him his phone), all my trust in him and our relationship was completely ruined. We broke up shortly after that (in hindsight, I should have walked out the moment he lied to me).

[germain]

So is she still hiding her phone after you confronted her about it? Or is she at least trying to be more transparent now with it when her ex texts her?

 

We haven't gotten that far. It only just happened, and I'm backing off for a bit, so we don't blow up. I imagine she would do that seeing it bothers me. But my trust is really damaged from this. At least in my current perspective.

[writergal]

Believe me I know what you are feeling as I went through that before like I said. Just don't let this slide or she will take advantage of your good nature in other ways. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries *now* so that she knows what you're willing to let slide and what you won't put up with. Well, her hiding her phone when her ex texts her is not acceptable in your eyes as you told her already. If she continues hiding her phone, you have to ask yourself, is she worth being in a relationship with?

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you probably won't get the entire truth from her. Now that she knows you're on to her, she will likely just try harder to hide it. Before this, what was your understanding about how often they communicated?

[No Limit]

No matter how much more time you're going to waste on this, and no matter what it really is that she's doing behind you back, your relationship is doomed.

[BDL]

There is the eject button. Press it.

[lolablue17]

Tell her that what just happened caused some trust issues. But there is a simple solution for it.

 

1. Ask her is there anything else she's hiding. If the answer is NO -

 

2. Ask her if she is ready to hand you over her phone immediately any time you ask it. Promise her that you will not do it often, but you want access to her phone if you suspect something and you want to check it. Of course You are willing to do the same.

 

Well if she refuses, she will find it hard to explain why. If she agrees, than it's a perfect solution.

[Keenly]

Tell her that what just happened caused some trust issues. But there is a simple solution for it.

 

1. Ask her is there anything else she's hiding. If the answer is NO -

 

2. Ask her if she is ready to hand you over her phone immediately any time you ask it. Promise her that you will not do it often, but you want access to her phone if you suspect something and you want to check it. Of course You are willing to do the same.

 

Well if she refuses, she will find it hard to explain why. If she agrees, than it's a perfect solution.

 

This is a terrible idea because of some one is establishing a precedent that they can demandaanother's phone whenever they feel like playing search warrant, the relationship is already over.

[germain]

Unfortunately, you probably won't get the entire truth from her. Now that she knows you're on to her, she will likely just try harder to hide it. Before this, what was your understanding about how often they communicated?

I wasn't aware that they did. But she has hid her phone like this ever since we began dating for the most part. So it's not a new thing, but why continue to invest so much into me - great birthday presents, traveling to her home, meeting her parents - if she is looking elsewhere? I'm wondering if it's an attention thing. Innocent but still inappropriate.

 

Tell her that what just happened caused some trust issues. But there is a simple solution for it.

 

1. Ask her is there anything else she's hiding. If the answer is NO -

 

2. Ask her if she is ready to hand you over her phone immediately any time you ask it. Promise her that you will not do it often, but you want access to her phone if you suspect something and you want to check it. Of course You are willing to do the same.

 

Well if she refuses, she will find it hard to explain why. If she agrees, than it's a perfect solution.

Asking to look at her phone isn't something I want to do. If I trust her, I should believe her when she says it's innocent.

[aliveagain]

If you have not discussed boundaries than your not that committed to each other yet. If you are committed than set your boundaries now.

[germain]

If you have not discussed boundaries than your not that committed to each other yet. If you are committed than set your boundaries now.

 

That's something I have a problem understanding. I feel like I constantly have to set boundaries - is this normal? I don't recall ever having to say "I think this is inappropriate and wouldn't be comfortable if you continued" more than once if at all in previous relationships. She's (20) a bit younger than I am, so I can see why this might be why we're not on the same page some of the time. She seems eager to work on things that I bring up like this, but I'm just starting to feel controlling.

[writergal]

That's something I have a problem understanding. I feel like I constantly have to set boundaries - is this normal? I don't recall ever having to say "I think this is inappropriate and wouldn't be comfortable if you continued" more than once if at all in previous relationships. She's (20) a bit younger than I am, so I can see why this might be why we're not on the same page some of the time. She seems eager to work on things that I bring up like this, but I'm just starting to feel controlling.

 

It's only normal if you're a teacher or a parent, to have to constantly set boundaries with your students or your own children. But a girlfriend? No, it's not normal for you to have to constantly point out what she does is inappropriate or that it bothers you and to correct her.

 

Since she's only 20, she could just be really immature as far as her relationship experience. Or she is spoiled and entitled and used to doing what she wants without anyone setting boundaries with her.

 

If you already are tired of being the adult in this relationship I think it's time for you to pull the plug and go find a woman you're own age, or who doesn't need looking after/being told what is/isn't appropriate all the time so early on.

[drifter777]

Do you like drama in your life? If so then just keep ruminating over this and wringing your hands. If not then just look at the facts: you've only been seeing her a few months; her deceptive behavior is who she really is at this point in her life; she wants you but wants a back-up plan. Whether the backup she has in mind is your or the ex, she can only have one foot in any relationship with this mindset.

 

Kindly tell her that life is too short for this kind of crap. It doesn't matter whether she's only talking to her ex or sleeping with him on the side; she's being deceptive and you don't want to waste time playing games. Be strong now and avoid bigger pain down the road.

[germain]

I hate to bump the thread without a reply, but I could really use some more perspectives. We're meeting up to talk tonight, and I'm still not sure where I stand. I really want to believe she just didn't want to cause a fight and so hid the phone. I can be jealous in some situations and we've discussed this before, so sparing an argument would seem understandable if her conversations are innocent. What should I ask her tonight? How can I get some peace of mind and not let this build up and chip away my trust in her?

[Space Ritual]

Well you do have some options....

 

1) you can just act like it never happened....continue to observe actions..if that's what you want...makes for a real crappy was to go though.....we can only control our selves and i am not a huge proponent of going into Detective Mode, especially if the relationship is still in it's infancy for lack of a better word).

 

2) You can be totally honest about your feelings. And perhaps set boundaries between the BOTH of you...I am not a fan of keeping an Ex around in any capacity...IMHO they are Ex's for a reason....Maybe you both can agree to cut contact with the Exes. (easier said than done, I am quite aware of that). Please be aware that what's good for the Goose is Good for the Gander...so if you arrive at this point you must also be prepared to cut out and end all contact with your ex without batting an eye, and no questions asked..

 

Or 3) Move on. Truth be told 3 months is literally a fart in a skillet of a relationship time frame. I submit that at the 3 month period and you are still both conversing (and hiding I might add contact with exes whether by commission or ommission) probably means your time with this girl are about up. Most of us (not all of us there are exceptions I am sure, I've just never personally seen one) might want to delude ourselves with thinking we can keep exes in our lives for the simple fact that they area known quantity...i.e. it's easy to keep an ex on a backburner while someone attempts to decide if their current relationship should be Plan A or Plan B. Easy to fall into I assure you.

 

I'll be honest...I don't see your relationship going much farther but I've been wrong plenty of times in my life. I just would not bet the farm on a Long Term Relationship here

Good Luck.

[drifter777]

I hate to bump the thread without a reply, but I could really use some more perspectives. We're meeting up to talk tonight, and I'm still not sure where I stand. I really want to believe she just didn't want to cause a fight and so hid the phone. I can be jealous in some situations and we've discussed this before, so sparing an argument would seem understandable if her conversations are innocent. What should I ask her tonight? How can I get some peace of mind and not let this build up and chip away my trust in her?

You post your story and ask for help. Lots of people give you advice and you ignore it all. Now you come back and re-tell your story and ask the same questions? Wallow in the drama you continue to feed.

[smackie9]

I have two quotes for you : If it doesn't feel right, then it's not, and Go by their actions and not what they tell you.

 

I know how it can be when your heart wants you to ignore the red flags and you cling onto to the hope that their words they say to you is the truth BUT reality speaks through all these posts. We can't make you breakup with her no, and whatever decision you make will be yours to make. We are not here to tell you what you want to hear. We are here to share our wisdom, and I hope you take it with you and make it work for you. Best of luck.

[germain]

You post your story and ask for help. Lots of people give you advice and you ignore it all. Now you come back and re-tell your story and ask the same questions? Wallow in the drama you continue to feed.

 

Sorry for annoying you. Interestingly the people I'm close to have given me the impression that I'm overreacting by considering breaking up. Then here I get responses saying pretty much the opposite. In a situation where I'm already so torn, finding further opposing views like this makes it difficult.

[Space Ritual]

Germain,

 

You have not annoyed me in the least

 

Please keep in mind that all of us that dole out replies do so based on our own experiences, so like anything else not all of us will agree with each other on advising a poster on what the best course of action is. We go with what we read, and like anything else, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

However only you can really know what is right in your situation.

 

You don't have to decide anything right now. Perhaps a way you can get some clarity is to write down a list of Pro's and Con's to continuing the relationship. Being you state you are very torn perhaps putting the advantages and disadvantages down on Paper for you to go over in your mind will bring you to a decision you can accept