Two years later, my ex is trying to get me back.

[Cerulean Blue]

I don't think I will let it progress, but it was fairly unambiguous that my ex wants reconciliation. I thought I would share my story to those who care to find out how things could turn out.

 

Some back story:

 

He was 23, I was 25 when we broke up. Dated for 8 months. He was the dumper, I was the dumpee. We obviously didn't date for a long time, but it was a fairly intensive relationship and there was a number of communication issues. He broke up with me because he wasn't ready to commit and he needed space to figure things out (don't they all say that!). Nevertheless there was good amount of chemistry and I treated him well. (His words).

 

The break-up was very emotional for me, and it took me about six months to get over the break-up. Throughout the last two years both he and I saw other people.

 

We never had a strict NC - there were periods where we had little contact - 2-3 weeks at a time and the longest period is probably a little over a month. Initially I did all the wrong things - read the idiotic Getting Back with Ex guides and played the NC mind-games, successfully made him jealous, but to no avail in the end. Then when i finally gave up, there were breadcrumbs galore from him; to which I didn't entertain, but remained relatively civil. After that, it was periodic contact - sometimes initiated by him, sometimes initiated by me - and we kept abreast of each others' lives and we met for coffee around once every six months when I was posted in a hospital 300km away from Sydney, and around once every two months when we were both in Sydney.

 

In the last six months the contacts have become more normalised - once a week also, initially plutonic. I think this is when we were both able to put the past behind us and we got on as friends - we always have stimulating conversations.

 

After my most recent break-up around six months ago, he seemed to have upped the ante and started to talk about how much he regretted the break-up and how we have always got on. He talked about how much we shared in common with regards to our futures, etc. Today, while we were catching up (and a lot of stimulating conversation), he tried to lean over and kiss me. I could see the same tender, loving look that was present when we were dating in his eyes.

 

I told him I wasn't in the right space and he respected that. We hugged and said goodbye, and agreed to spend more time together.

 

I am not sure if I'd go there again for a number of reasons - with hindsight, the issues in the initial relationship were stark and I would need to see obvious signs that he's changed. Secondly, I am still very much not over my most recent ex and want reconciliation with him - the irony of the situation! - so I would need more time to think regardless.

 

So there you have it - feel free to ask me any questions.

[love1336x]

Aww. Maybe he was lonely and wanting to rekindle that fire.

 

Its easy sometimes to fix something vs buying a brought new item.

[sugarlove]

I think I rather buy something new than to fix something's broken.

 

I understand the feeling as my ex before this came back as well after a year and I just didn't think he has changed. Or perhaps there is a fear that he didn't, that held me back. I always invest a lot of myself in a relationship and took a while to get over it as well. After going through all that heartache and grief, it's normal not to want to go through that again, at least not with the same guy.

[Georgia2014]

I would not go back to him. I feel like exes are exes for a reason. I am 3 weeks post breakup and I would never ever get back with my ex. I feel like if it didn't work the first time why would it work a second time.

[Cerulean Blue]

I try not to analyse the situation too much and take it at face value.

 

Like what's been written on a lot of threads on this forum, just as dumpees idealise the relationship right after the break-up, the dumper reaches this point much later - especially when they left to find that elusive 'greener grass' to begin with.

 

We were both young and (more) foolish then, time and space apart has allowed me to really see his flaws. Will I go there again if I see real evidence of change? Not sure. Only time will tell.

 

 

I guess there were two take-home messages for me.

 

1. Treat them nice and there is a good chance they come back (whether you want it or not).

 

2. It's not all NC or death, so to speak. I never had a proper NC with my ex. It was just distance sufficient to keep the air clear and the healing to happen. Would the healing process be faster if there was absolute NC? Probably. Would I have chosen to heal more quickly at the expense of breaking down all the connections with the ex? Definitely not. Some times we get so hung up on NC, when to break NC, whether to break NC, under which circumstance could we break NC, that NC itself becomes a stressor. Be introsepective and mindful of our emotions is much more important.

[sugarlove]

I completely agree. I didn't stick to my NC. Though I tried my best to keep o the "rulebook", I felt it is against who I really am. I broke it 16 days letter to write him a letter of forgiveness. It's who I am, I felt better doing that than to ignore his existence.

 

Our relationship was the best I had so far, And i said so far because I'm sure there will be more. The relationship was get not because of him, but because of me as well, so who's to say I won't be able to find another great relationship again?

 

I still believe it's a blessing to be a dumpee and I'll never have it any other way. Through the hurt and the pain, there is strength and a lesson even though it'll take time to find it. Overanalysing is something I've slowly learn not to do but it's a difficult process, but without analysing, there is no personal growth.

 

In the end, whatever happens, happen for a reason. If they return, it's only because you were given a chance to reject him now. It's just karma.

[Jiivy]

I think you're absolutely on the right track. There's certainly this element of role reversal with dumpers/dumpees over time.

 

You've had two years of space and other things in between. I feel it's fair to say that you objectively know where your heart lies with this particular ex. You've also quite maturely identified that you're still quite hung up on your most recent ex and that is not a healthy place to be entering in to a new relationship.

 

It's a shame that it took this idiot 2 years to realise just what he gave up. Personally I believe that strong couples really can make things work a second time round (note: second! not tenth...), but it takes a lot of maturity, change and most importantly an acknowledgement of whatever it was that caused past failures.

 

You say you're not in the right place right now and that's 100% ok. I would say not to bury it entirely if there's something you thing might still be there - but if you ever do get to that point, please your cards on the table and make him do the same. Honesty.

[love1336x]

I think I rather buy something new than to fix something's broken.

 

I understand the feeling as my ex before this came back as well after a year and I just didn't think he has changed. Or perhaps there is a fear that he didn't, that held me back. I always invest a lot of myself in a relationship and took a while to get over it as well. After going through all that heartache and grief, it's normal not to want to go through that again, at least not with the same guy.

 

I can relate. My ex boyfriend from high school is all over me. Wanting a 2nd chance, but when I hang out with him. I simply feel nothing I really think to myself... What did I ever find so cute and wonderful about?

[sugarlove]

I can relate. My ex boyfriend from high school is all over me. Wanting a 2nd chance, but when I hang out with him. I simply feel nothing I really think to myself... What did I ever find so cute and wonderful about?

 

Ah.. those rose tinted glasses. They sure blind us for a bit until we decided to take them off and see these guys for who they really are. Amazing what a broken heart can do to you.

[Summerrose2013]

I'm not clear whether you actually want him back? I mean, it must be every dumpees dream to start off with to have their ex want them back, but the trust is completely gone. If you are getting on as friends, maybe that is the relationship you should keep?

[Cerulean Blue]

Hey Summer Rose,

 

No I think it will be unlikely - even if I am in the right space. It is less about the issue of trust, but more that I realised the degree to which we may not be compatible and thus won't work out in the end. He was rather high maintenance and I wanted more space than he was willing to give in the relationship. I think neither of us would be happy if we're back together.

 

I agree that we should keep the friendly relations that we have at the moment - there is no reason to terminate it, and he is not at all encroaching on any boundaries

 

I guess the main motivation for my sharing this is to provide a 'case study' for people who want to do some research about circumstances when an ex comes back. I certainly did a lot of this and still do for the current break up!