Should I give my girlfriend a second chance or is it not worth it?

[nyfan1992]

Hi guys, I'm new to the site and would appreciate responses that are thoughtful and respectful. My story is a bit long but it's very important to me and it would mean a lot to me if someone could give me some advice. I'm 21 years old and have just graduated from college. I met my girlfriend at school when I was a junior and she was a freshman. I was instantly attracted to her and loved how down to earth she was compared to the majority of snobby, elitist girls at my school. We began dating officially a couple of months after we started seeing each other exclusively and have been together for 18 months. While there were a few bumps in the road, which I'm sure is normal in any relationship, these 18 months have mostly been very happy and exciting for me. I enjoy her company and find myself always wanting to be better for her; something that I see as a sign that I truly love her. Although things have been mostly good, there were a few instances spread over the past 18 months in which she did or said something that has continued to cause me a lot of pain and heartache. I truly believe my girlfriend is a wonderful person with good intentions but I must admit she is very socially awkward in terms of saying things without thinking of their consequences. First, two weeks into our relationship, I took her to a party on her birthday and she got very drunk and wanted a hat a guy was wearing and told me she wanted to make out with him so she could get his hat. She claims she was only joking and didn't mean it, but I thought it was very disrespectful to say to me. Second, she told me she feels insecure when guys hits on her friends but not her and that she wouldn't mind if a guy hit on her from time to time. I was really mad at her when she said that because I felt like I treated her so well and that I should be good enough for her and she shouldn't want attention from other guys. She claims that she only feels insecure because I get hit on a lot at parties or the bars and she worries that because I get hit on more I might think she's ugly and out of my league. I've done everything I can to make her feel beautiful and convince her I only have eyes for her. In addition, at the beginning of our relationship she would talk a lot about her exes and say specific sexual things she did with them even though I told her I didn't want to hear about it. A month into our relationship she tweeted twice about a guy she had hooked up with very briefly. Her tweets were very bitter and said things like she hates hearing music that reminds her of him. I was so pissed at her and she said that she didn't have any feelings for him and she was just bitter because they used to be friends before they hooked up and he suddenly stopped talking to her after they hooked up. I understand why she's bitter but she's in a relationship with me and shouldn't be dwelling on other guys in my opinion. Third, my sister visited me for a weekend at school and my girlfriend really wanted to become friends with her. The two of them hit it off and were getting along great until she told my sister that we have sex. My sister is pretty religious and conservative and thought it was both weird and disrespectful for her to tell her that. Unfortunately, my sister told my mom and she was really upset and disappointed in me. Ever since, I have had to deal with a lot of stress from my family about my decision to have premarital sex. My mom does think my girlfriend is nice but I know she will never 100% support us now because she knows this about us. I'm mad at my sister and don't think she should have told my mom, but I still mostly blame my girlfriend for this situation because she never should have told my sister in the first place. I have tried to forgive her for these 3 mistakes, but it's hard to forget because of how disrespectful they were. She says I'm holding onto the past and that they were just mistakes, but I feel like the mistakes she made were so common sense and that if she truly cared about my feelings she would have known how hurtful her comments would be to me. A few days ago, we got into an argument about how she has a bad attitude about sex with me and very rarely wants to do it with me. Based off what she personally told me about her past, I knew she acted much more sexually with other guys and she dressed more provocatively. She swears she only did that before because she was young and pathetic and thought that's how girls can only attract guys and that now I've made her a better person because she realizes she doesn't need that. Sex is very important to me not because I'm a guy with needs, but because I think it's very intimate and special. It bothers me that she acted more horny with guys who treated her so badly but she struggles to want it with me when I treat her so well. Anyway, she responded to the comment about how she used to dress slutty and she said that she still wants to but doesn't because she's in a relationship with me and wants to be more respectful. I got pissed again because I don't want to think the person I'm with is secretly a slut and I want to be with someone who has more respect for herself. She tried to repair the damage, but she only made it worse for herself. She then said that what she meant to say was that if she was single she would dress slutty. It just got me angrier and then I started thinking about all the other dumb and insensitive things she had said to me in the past and I realized she will never change and will keep saying things that hurt me. That comment was the straw that broke the camel's back and I broke up with her. Since then, we still have been talking and are trying to see if we can work it out. She really wants to be with me and thinks I'm the one for her but she doesn't want to fight for her if I have no hope for our relationship. I have told her the only way this can work is she promises me she will never saying anything so insensitive and hurtful again. She told me she can't promise me anything because no one is perfect and people make mistakes but she will try her best to think before she speaks. The only reason I'm considering going back to her is because everything else about our relationship, besides sex and her very rare but insensitive comments, was great and she did make me very happy. She's very patient with me, she understands me better than anyone, motivates me to be better, doesn't get jealous and encourages me to go out and have fun with my friends, and I have the most fun when I'm with her. I see her insensitive comments as the result of her social awkwardness which could be caused by simple immaturity and not enough relationship experience. The way I see it is that immaturity is something that can be changed and if everything else is good maybe it's worth staying with her. And I think our issues with sex can also be solved when she becomes more mature about it and doesn't view it as a way to get guys to like her. Another thing I have to consider is that she has 2 more years in school and she's going abroad for 4 months in late August. I felt confident before that we could still be happy together while she's abroad, but now with the recent events I'm worried that our relationship may be too weak right now and we don't have that much time to get it back to the way it was before she leaves in a month. I feel so confused about what I should do. My relationship with her has been mostly great and I truly think we have great chemistry together. But it's those really bad mistakes that bother me and make me think she might not care about my feelings that much. Should I give her a second chance, or do you think the damage has already been done and it's not worth trying to make it work? Sorry that was so long but it would mean so much to me if anyone can help me out with this. Thanks.

[miranda_wilson]

I tried to tally the transgressions you listed (may not get to them all because that large piece of dense text is tough to get through; you should break it up into paragraphs).

 

The drunk comment about wanting to make out with a guy to get his hat...I think you can let go because....she was drunk.

 

Her wanting to get hit on by guys because her friends do...and bc you do...a bit questionable. But if it's that she doesn't actually want to do anything with them but just get the validation of attention bc she feels insecure...you might be able to overlook that. She is only 19, and she sounds very insecure.

 

Dwelling on past boyfriends...I agree w/ you that she shouldn't be dwelling on them if she's in a relationship w/ you. When I was in a relationship with a guy I loved...I really didn't care about past guys who hurt me because I was in love.

 

About her telling your sister that you guys had sex...I think she just slipped up/put foot in mouth. She didn't really do anything "wrong" here, as you guys, are in fact, sexually active.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what my verdict is. I see her as really young and a lot of her comments and missteps as par for the course for a young girl. If you think she's a good person, I would say give her a chance. She will mature a bit in the next few years.

 

But I know it's hard for you to see it that way because you're young too, and perhaps you just see her as pissing you off.

 

I just think she's insecure in general. That being said, I know of some older girls (around 24) who still act the way you're talking about, so there's no guarantee that she will stop any of this in the next few years.

 

If this is the first time you guys have had a situation where you were thinking about breaking up, then maybe give it some more time/another chance. But if it's the fifth or sixth time, maybe consider taking a break.

[nyfan1992]

Hi Miranda,

 

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs! But I really appreciate your thoughtful response.

 

This has been the only time we have ever seriously thought about breaking up, so it is certainly not a recurring theme with our relationship. I think what makes the situation a bit more complex is that my mother and sister cause added pressure to the situation because they know we've had sex and don't approve. They're traditional/conservative and I do want their approval but I believe in the end I have to choose what's best for me. I can't please everyone!

 

I agree with what you said about her being young. I have always believed, and still do, that she has a big heart and means well. Like I said she's immature and a bit socially awkward.

 

I will most likely give her a second chance, barring any major fights over the next few days as we take time to heal and get back on track. I have told her I am willing to give ourselves a clean slate in our relationship but will not give her another chance if she makes another very hurtful and insensitive comment again. I know this sounds like a threat but it's not my intention.

 

Your advice was very helpful and has helped bring some clarity to this difficult situation. Thanks so much!

[xxmusical]

I feel that since your [ex?] gf is going to be abroad for 4 months, you should use this time away to think carefully about what you want and to live your own life first instead of trying to salvage something that cannot be fixed (i.e. hoping that she'll change/mature) in such a short timeframe . You're both still young.

 

Did she ever give you a proper answer when you questioned her about not wanting to have sex with you?

 

As for your sister/mom thing about premarital sex, what has happened has happened. They will eventually get over it, although it will take some time. I agree with you that you can't please everyone; it's your life in the end, no one can control how you want to live your life. Good luck

[nyfan1992]

Hi musical,

 

Yes, taking a break while she's abroad is something I have considered as well but that seems like a difficult option for me. I forgot to mention in my post before that the time time between her first ex and me, she was not without some sort of a relationship with a guy for more than 2 months. She broke up with her first ex and 2 weeks later began hooking up with a new guy for a couple of weeks. Then when he stopped talking to her so she went back to her first ex. They broke up again in early October and then we started hooking up in late November and became a couple in early January. This has always concerned me that she needs a boyfriend all the time so I'm worried that if I give her an inch at all she'll just find someone else quickly to replace me.

 

As for the issue with sex, her excuse has been that she feels like she doesn't need see to impress me anymore. Before we began dating and in the early months of our relationship, we had sex quite often and she seemed happy to do it so now that she stopped trying as much I feel like she tricked me before to make me like her. While she insists she wasn't trying to trick me she does admit that her past experiences with guys have warped her mind about sex and have made her think it's just a tool to get guys to like her. Another excuse is that she's simply a girl who has a smaller sex drive and that she also suffers from depression and takes Prozac in addition to birth control which also contribute to a low sex drive.