Eternal Sunshine Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I work a lot and I am around people around 50 hours a week. Half of that time is spent in meetings. I even share an office and never have lunch alone. I fit in with my co-workers well (I can honestly say that I have never fit in with a work team better). Yet, I still feel the desire to be alone during evenings or weekends. I enjoy doing things alone - shopping, movies, walks, gym.. I find it a hassle to have to maintain a conversation. I am just highly introverted and have had my fill of people by the time work week is over. When I started working here (nearly 3 months ago), co-workers have always included me in their social outings. I forced myself to attend and had an OK time but I longed for weekends when I have no plans. I have started saying no since last week. I was supposed to do stuff with people last night and tonight. I canceled both because I told them I was "tired". I am not that tired. I just wanted to spend evenings eating pizza with a glass of wine and a movie ALONE. They are starting to get offended. I am more worried about the fact that I can easily see myself going for the rest of my life with only superficial human company. My desire to date is zero too. I feel content and wouldn't say I feel depressed by any means. I just feel that it's wrong to want to be alone so much. Should I keep pushing myself to be social? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I certainly hear you on the co-workers front. I turn down invites on a weekly basis, sometimes several times a week. They keep asking and I keep saying no. I don't want to spend time with the same people in my spare time too, we talk plenty in the office. You have just moved to a different city, haven't you? You are adjusting. That's one thing. The other is that you probably need a limit on how much time you need with a specific person, most of us are this way. You need a circle of friends that are separate from your work. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I'm a loner by nature as well and would much rather spend my time reading the Art of War or watching a documentary on a historical figure than hanging out with the boys. Do what feels right to you, that's all you can do. If you're happy why push yourself to do something else? When the desire for companionship calls just make sure to answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 No, you shouldn't. There's value in being true to yourself. I also enjoy solitude. I'm an introvert and I've embraced that. I need my alone time to recharge my batteries. Like you, I have no problem socializing. Being alone does not mean that I'm lonely or antisocial. It simply means that solitude allows me to have inner peace and it enhances my well being. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I am exactly the same. If I am not working, or working a job without much human interaction, I am keen to meet friends or colleagues at the end of the day. But if I have spent the whole work week interacting with clients and colleagues, I really need to be alone to relax in the evenings. It's as if some of us only have so much social energy available to spend on interacting with people. When our quota for the day is used up, we need to recharge with some alone time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SadNLonley Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 If you are perfectly content doing what you are currently doing, there is no reason to push for being more social. Life is about your happiness. If that makes you happy then continue. When you feel you need to be more social you will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Should I keep pushing myself to be social? I used to force myself to go to my sports league after parties and would just sit in a corner and not talk to most people. This kind of created a 'this girl is a loner/anti-social' vibe that extended to the events before the after party. So I would be at the event, worrying about what people were going to think if I a) didn't go to the after party or b) went to the after party and didn't talk to people anyways. One day I accepted that I wasn't the social type and realized it was ok. So I stopped going to the after party and worrying about what people thought of it. The result is that I was having a lot more fun at the events and left before the after party. People used to think I was the anti-social girl of the league, now they see me as this really cool and friendly girl who just isn't into the after parties. So to answer your question, no you shouldn't force yourself. People are going to pick up on the fact you don't want to be there, but they won't be able to make the difference between 'she doesn't like this kind of social interractions' and 'she doesn't like me'. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 By the sound of it, your job more than provides any social interaction you need. (Perhaps even too much, as meetings can be draining). I much agree with what most people write here, do not push yourself towards something you don't really want. The bane of your well-being is expectations of others/society, that makes one feel pressured, be it directly or indirectly, to perform and deliver things one may really not be very interested in doing. For introverted and even ambiverted people, it can be rather pleasing to simply enjoy the passive company of another soul in the room, without the need to actually communicate much or at all. People re-energize in different ways and in the end, you should always do the things that make you feel the most comfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I am often found to try and ignore people. But really you need to think about what it is to live. If we are not communicating with others, why do we exist? I think you always seem quite logical, so hopefully you can see the futility in being a hermit? Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Nothing wrong at all with being a "loner", or alone, or whatever. All that matters is that you are happy. Are you happy? Then keep doing what you're doing. Screw 'em. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 If someone asks you out after work or for the weekend, say you are busy, "But maybe we could have lunch next week. Why don't you find a new place that is supposed to be good and we can check it out?" Keep your prime time at home for yourself or if you ever meet someone special. Also, making them do all the work finding an eatery will make them stop asking! I have no desire to see work colleagues outside of work either. Occasionally I run into one in the supermarket and that's bad enough. Link to post Share on other sites
leavesonautumn Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Don't push yourself to be social. You're going to end up so exhausted and grumpy that the opposite effect that you wanted will happen. I'm a loner/introvert as well and it took me way too long to understand that it meant I NEED alone time to recharge. My family and friends don't understand this even when I'm grumpy and quieter then usual if I force myself to go out when I truly did not want to and knew I shouldn't. I still crave interaction and being social. It just may not happen as much as it does for other people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I am more worried about the fact that I can easily see myself going for the rest of my life with only superficial human company. My desire to date is zero too. I feel content and wouldn't say I feel depressed by any means. I just feel that it's wrong to want to be alone so much. Should I keep pushing myself to be social? Is it possible that the people you are currently exposed to are too extroverted? I know I personally get drained quicker when around people who just... keeping... talking. Do you think you would tolerate -- or even enjoy -- the company of someone who had a personality more similar to your own? Like the old "joke" about how two guys can hang out and watch the game for four hours and only say ten words between them the same time? Or would you figure "what is the point of sharing my pizza and wine in relative silence"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Should I keep pushing myself to be social? IMO, once in awhile to see how you feel about it. Sometimes, it feels different once immersed from when one is pondering whether to make the move to socialize or not. It sounds like you get plenty of human contact through your job so take the rest as it comes. If co-workers think you anti-social or aloof, that's OK. They're entitled to think what they want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 You know, The Cat Lady in the The Simpson's is a graduate of Harvard and Yale. She is a medical doctor and a lawyer. But now she is just the crazy Cat Lady. When you say "push myself to be social..", is that just with people at work? You should do some social type sport where you can dress up nice, go out and meet people that are sports minded. Like bowling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
leavesonautumn Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 You know, The Cat Lady in the The Simpson's is a graduate of Harvard and Yale. She is a medical doctor and a lawyer. But now she is just the crazy Cat Lady. When you say "push myself to be social..", is that just with people at work? You should do some social type sport where you can dress up nice, go out and meet people that are sports minded. Like bowling. Lol the cat lady. The cat lady's issue was that she overworked herself and was burnt out. No one will turn into a cat lady just because they're an introvert. Some people just need time alone to recharge and feel great to go out and meet with people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
melodicintention Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 You sound conflicted. On one hand you say you feel happy to be alone, but on the other hand you question whether it's healthy. I think you actually do have a problem with being alone all the time. I can really empathize! I am an INTJ, meaning I'm EXTREMELY introverted. I know exactly how you feel. But honestly, after I've spent a month hunkered down in my studio shunning the world while I produce my ideas, I do feel like I'm having social withdrawls. I notice that my mental health isn't optimal when I'm so sheltered, and that I do better when I poke my head up from the whack-a-mole game of life. I think you are questioning yourself, and I think you have also answered yourself. I think you realize you need to socialize a little more than you are, and I would agree that if the question is there, there is a problem. So connect a little more, but at the same time, I don't think you should push yourself to socialize so much that you begin to feel mentally worn down from small talk with people. Maybe just plan 2-4 hours a week to have a happy hour or whatever activity? That's not too much. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 We are all the social life you need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Is it possible that the people you are currently exposed to are too extroverted? I know I personally get drained quicker when around people who just... keeping... talking. Do you think you would tolerate -- or even enjoy -- the company of someone who had a personality more similar to your own? Like the old "joke" about how two guys can hang out and watch the game for four hours and only say ten words between them the same time? Or would you figure "what is the point of sharing my pizza and wine in relative silence"? That's one thing. I find extroverted people draining. I don't feel a desire to talk all the time and when they just go on and on... you get the picture. I prefer introverted people (like myself) as friends and boyfriends. Unfortunately, all I seem to attract are extroverts on both counts. The other thing is that I am going through some huge changes, new town, new job, still don't have a settled place to live in and I am still adjusting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Lol the cat lady. The cat lady's issue was that she overworked herself and was burnt out. No one will turn into a cat lady just because they're an introvert. Some people just need time alone to recharge and feel great to go out and meet with people. Amen. And I haven't lived with a cat in nearly 3 months now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I also need that solitude for longer periods than most. I need the peace and time to reflect and relax. I am aware that I'd also like a loving partner to spend some time with, but not all. I'm unlikely to meet him at work or by staying home on my own. Internet dating may be a solution but actually I haven't found many guys of interest there. Will going out solve that? I don't know. I just know that I'm tired after a full day of working with people. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I wouldn't say to PUSH yourself, but I would say yes to your co-workers sometimes. Maybe even come up with some ongoing personal thing that you have to do every Tuesday and Friday (yoga class; volunteering; whatever). Something that you can say "Oh, no I can't go tonight - yoga, remember?" then go home and do one downward facing dog before plopping on the couch, so that you aren't lying. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I completely understand wanting to be alone, but if you decline or cancel enough times, the invitations will completely stop. You may find that a few months from now you have more desire to be social occasionally, and then the invitations won't be there. So, in that sense I don't think it's a terrible idea to force yourself to be social every now and then, just to leave that door open. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Some sailors are only on-shore for a week before having to go offshore for 2-3 months. May be your perfect mate matey 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 same here, I enjoy my loneliness and for some reason I never do well in social settings. Link to post Share on other sites
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