She Cheated - Help!

[Norse]

I'm gonna start off saying I'm 25, she's 22. We've had a good eight months together, up until this all unravelled I had no idea there were issues if you will in our relationship. Just recently she went off for thirty days of military training where our only communication was through letters, phones were taken away. We sent a few letters to one another, then in the last ten days I stopped hearing from her. Well, about three days from getting to come home they gave her phone back to her. She called me immediately to my knowledge, and the whole conversation was very awkward, but getting that first I love you out was really nice. A day before graduation(from training) they were allowed to go off base and do as they please as long as they were back by 8 p.m.

 

 

So I picked her up and I could immediately tell by her demeanor that something was up. And she was on her phone every 2-3 minutes texting. So I got tired of it, seemed like I was being ignored. So I asked her who she was texting, and she aggressively replied, "my friends, I'm allowed to have friends!". So I let it go. Well my curiosity got the best of me and the first night she was back I read her messages, we've done this before, lots of people do it these days apparently.

 

I knew about her cheating issues already, she told me about the guys she's cheated on, and how when she's no longer happy in the relationship she goes and tries to find someone else. But stays with the one she's with in hopes of that relationship improving. Anyway, I read them. One saying, "I'm probably going to break up with him I don't even enjoy kissing him anymore". Upon reading that I woke her up asking her what this was all about and if she wanted to be with me. She shook her head no, and I asked why, what have I done? And she proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I could make adult decisions, prime examples being the day before she went off from training I had received a paycheck from my work for 20 hours when it should have been 100+, considering I had bills due I ranted about it abd it had me bothered, I'd say that would have anyone upset. But according to her I turn into a 15 year old boy when stressful things happen in my life, and she feels that if it came down to making an adult decision in our relationship she would have to be the one to do it.

 

During this conversation I asked her if she had done anything, because intuition was driving me crazy. She started crying and told me she had kissed a guy there and lo and behold it was the guy she was texting who she later changed the name of in her phone. I took the blame for everything and said I would stop acting childish when I got stressed. And we've agreed to try things again. The next day I told her there needs to be some ground rules, and we need trust and we should have an open phone policy as to where no one hid anything, and she would tell that guy that it was just a heat of the moment thing and she wasn't truly into him, and was a just having relationship troubles. She said he was far away and would never see him again, according to his Facebook page he lives in the state she is scheduled to do training in for five months starting January. She also put a pattern lock on her phone...

 

The only things that I consider to be good are the facts she's still responsive and tells me she loves me back and is still affectionate if I am first. I just want to repair things I really love this girl, and never saw any of this coming. What can I do to keep things alive and save my relationship?

[Philosoraptor]

You can't save anything, you didn't break it. She wants out and has shown you this. Her pattern is to cheat until she finds something she likes better, then leave.

 

The best thing to do is get your self respect in order and give her the boot. If you don't believe you deserve all of someone, and someone that doesn't cheat on you, then you should seek help for your self esteem.

[Norse]

Thanks Phil you always have straight forward honest advice. Unfortunately for me I'm blinded by my love for her, it's not as much as a self esteem thing, I know what I deserve, andil it's not to be cheated on.

[dudemeister]

It's over. She is keeping you around until she finds someone else.

 

Ground rules? Open phone policy? This sounds like something a married couple goes through. You're not married so send her packin!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Thanks Phil you always have straight forward honest advice. Unfortunately for me I'm blinded by my love for her, it's not as much as a self esteem thing, I know what I deserve, and it's not to be cheated on.

 

 

I'm sorry but that's a very lame excuse. This woman is damaged and selfish. I mean how do you honestly look someone in the face and basically go "Yeah, I'm a sad skank who can't stand being alone for any length of time so I just cheat and lead guys on until I secure the next sucker" .... I mean really, like...what!? And then how do you THEN look her in the eye in turn and go "Ok honey"? Where is your backbone man? Who puts up with this....and it isn't even a lengthy relationship??

 

What's she's doing is called monkey-branching and only the most selfish, desperate and broken people do this. Leave her if you know what's good for you but just in case you're really still torn, picture her in bed riding some other guy like a stripper...then picture the two of them having a laugh at how boring and pathetic she thinks you are and how you don't even turn her on anymore....because that's probably exactly how it went down.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Your girlfriend has proven to be untrustworthy because:

 

1.) She cheated on you

2.) Confessed her feelings about you and the relationship and the cheating only AFTER you caught her

3.) Clear track record of cheating

 

Your future with this girl does not look promising. She was unhappy with you and the relationship yet rather than communicating with you, her first instinct was to cheat and break up with you. Worse, she was telling others that she was intending to break up with you.

 

If she loved you, respected you, and really wanted to continue the relationship she would have turned to you and tried to work it out.

 

Your girlfriend did the exact opposite.

 

When someone tells you and shows you who they are...BELIEVE THEM.

Edited July 11, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Norse]

Thanks you guys I appreciate all of this advice. I've just been blaming myself, I never saw the relationship taking this turn. Had higher hopes for this one.

[HappyLove]

Wow, she's GOOD! She cheats and has you apologizing!

 

"People show you who they are the first time. Believe them" Dr Maya Angelou.

 

This girl showed you a BUNCH of red flags on fire slapping you in your face and still you dated her! She TOLD YOU she's a cheater why in the world would you start dating someone like this? This is why red flags are so important. If someone tells you they keep dating the sucker they have until they meet somebody else you run for the hills!

 

What is so great about someone who has shotty morals? Not only does she tell you up front she cheats, she does it while sitting next to you! Wow, meanwhile nice girls can't get a man to stay by them. Good luck.

[Norse]

Yeah she tried to say all of that was in her past and she only did it when she felt the relationship was over and she was unhappy.... I figured just maybe she had grown up.

[smackie9]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Cheaters are good manipulaters, able to find someone with low self worth that are easy to control. They put on the act that they have such remorse, how much they love you, blah blah blah.....it's all an act. She is self intitled, has no empathy for those who she hurts. Love will not conquer all, love like this is abused, you are being abused, used and lied to. She will continue to cheat as long as you stay, she will never change.

 

Tip: have some self worth, get rid of this trash.

[LostOnes05]

Bruh!!! This chick is a piece of work. When she goes on her 5 month training trip (near where the other guy lives) send her a care package. This care package should contain a CD that has one song on it...N'SYNCs "Bye, Bye, Bye" and a little flag with note on it that says "thank you for your service". After that, cut communication with her and find a better woman!

[Quiet Storm]

She thinks you are immature and can't handle your life, when she is the one lying, cheating, sneaking around & avoiding conflict?

 

If you stay with this girl, you will have nothing but trouble. She doesn't respect you. She told you who she was early on by telling you about her prior cheating. She is just doing the same thing she always does.

 

She is an inconsiderate, immature & dishonest person. These qualities should trump any "I love yous". It takes no effort to say those three words. Her actions do not show love and that's what matters.

[stillafool]

Wow, she's GOOD! She cheats and has you apologizing!

 

 

^^^^^This! If you accept this behavior from her she will and has lost all respect for you. Make her accountable for her actions, that's the only way you will get back a shred of respect from this girl. Really, talk sh-- to her!

[Dallers]

I was her as a guy at this age and you my friend are expendable. You will be one of many not the one because she is care free and does not give a **** about anyone but herself.

 

She will regret it later on just as I did but that does not help you now or then. You just hit an iceberg my friend get yourself on a life boat pronto.

[Diezel]

I knew about her cheating issues already, she told me about the guys she's cheated on, and how when she's no longer happy in the relationship she goes and tries to find someone else.

 

 

And she proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I could make adult decisions. But according to her I turn into a 15 year old when stressful things happen in my life, and she feels that if it came down to making an adult decision in our relationship she would have to be the one to do it.

 

 

Look at the first part of that post that I quoted in juxtaposition to the second part.

 

So she cheats because she CAN'T make adult decisions and then accuses you of turning into a 15 year old?

 

Brother, she's the one who can't make adult decisions. She's the one that can't face the facts. Her answer to everything is to run into the next situation.

 

SHE IS TOXIC.

 

RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN.

 

Because every time you two have a fight, her answer will be to cheat and find the next guy who won't "nag" her. Trust me, it's EXACTLY how she thinks about it.

 

How DARE you apologize to this harlot!? Do you need our help to go get your testes out of her purse!? DUMP. THIS. CHICK. NAO.

[Moonborn]

 

She shook her head no, and I asked why, what have I done? And she proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I could make adult decisions, prime examples being the day before she went off from training I had received a paycheck from my work for 20 hours when it should have been 100+, considering I had bills due I ranted about it abd it had me bothered, I'd say that would have anyone upset. But according to her I turn into a 15 year old boy when stressful things happen in my life, and she feels that if it came down to making an adult decision in our relationship she would have to be the one to do it.

 

 

This alone is enough reason for you to leave her. How can you possibly date somebody who thinks this about you?

 

I am not even going to comment on the cheating since others covered that quite well. Run the heck away, and be glad you got out of this in just 8 months.

[tom670]

Run Forest run!

And get tested for STDs kissing in cheater language means they had hot porn sex.

To say she is not marriage material is the understatement of the year.

You will be thanking us:)

[No Limit]

Dump her. Get tested. Find a woman, not a girl.

[Space Ritual]

She shook her head no, and I asked why, what have I done? And she proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I could make adult decisions, prime examples being the day before she went off from training I had received a paycheck from my work for 20 hours when it should have been 100+, considering I had bills due I ranted about it abd it had me bothered, I'd say that would have anyone upset. But according to her I turn into a 15 year old boy when stressful things happen in my life, and she feels that if it came down to making an adult decision in our relationship she would have to be the one to do it.

 

 

Sorry that was all I had to read....

 

Of course screwing around and cheating is ALWAYS such a prime example of making Adult Decisions.

 

No further advice needed other than to get her out of your life as fast as humanly possible.

[Darren Steez]

 

I knew about her cheating issues already, she told me about the guys she's cheated on, and how when she's no longer happy in the relationship she goes and tries to find someone else. never saw any of this coming. What can I do to keep things alive and save my relationship?

 

Whaaaat!!??

 

So you knew she cheated on her other exes, but never thought she would cheat on you? Why? Because you're special?

 

Sorry pal, it's only a matter of time before she does it again. She gave you a lot of BS reasons and you folded like a pack of cards trying to please her.

Guess what, she cheated because she wanted to. Are all those reasons and excuse to cheat?

 

Break up with her because sooner rather than later she'll just do it again.

[JS84]

I knew about her cheating issues already, she told me about the guys she's cheated on, and how when she's no longer happy in the relationship she goes and tries to find someone else. But stays with the one she's with in hopes of that relationship improving.

 

So she told you this...and you stuck with her anyway???? Okay....

 

The only things that I consider to be good are the facts she's still responsive and tells me she loves me back and is still affectionate if I am first. I just want to repair things I really love this girl, and never saw any of this coming. What can I do to keep things alive and save my relationship?

 

omfg...dude please toss this chick to the curb and try to find some self-respect.

[Justanaverageguy]

Thanks you guys I appreciate all of this advice. I've just been blaming myself, I never saw the relationship taking this turn. Had higher hopes for this one.

 

Don't worry - its the default reaction. I went through the same thing and I can tell you it doesn't last for long. Your trying to understand "why" this happened and thinking its something you didn't bring to the relationship. In time you will understand this is all about her issues and not about you.

 

Also I've found this is what women cheaters do - blame their partner. It's a weird difference between Men and Women that cheat. Normally (not always) when a man cheats he can accept it was his mistake - his weakness. Women have a real issue with doing this ... they can't accept they are a cheater and its their fault. They have to externalize the cause for cheating onto their partner to justify their actions. In reality its a load of crap ... she cheater because she is weak and is a cheater .... kick her to the curb.

[smackie9]

 

Also I've found this is what women cheaters do - blame their partner. It's a weird difference between Men and Women that cheat..

 

This couldn't be more wrong. I've been on the forums for 10 years, and men will blame their partners too. Cheaters are manipulators, and cowards period. In general people cheat for different reasons, but serial cheaters are different, they will do everything but take the blame. Just like alcoholism, and addictions, cheating on this level is rooted with mental issues and therapy is needed. She admits to her cheating, but hasn't done anything to change her behavior. Obviously she doesn't see that she is the one with the problem....that is how much of a nut job she is.

[Darren Steez]

You're a nice guy.. gently.. probably believe in true love, people staying together forever and all that junk. Not to say it doesn't exist but it exists when two people have a rock solid grounding on which to built and maintain a long lasting relationship that requires a hell of a lot of work, patience and understanding.

 

Do you have a rock solid foundation?

Seeing she's already cheated do you think she'll put in the work, have the patience to build and maintain this relationship?

More importantly, does she love you enough to look in the mirror and confront herself to why she does what she does. To completely turn around her psyche and become a different person who's able to go forward and be a loving and trusting partner.

 

A no to any one of those, it's time to let her go.

[Justanaverageguy]

This couldn't be more wrong. I've been on the forums for 10 years, and men will blame their partners too. Cheaters are manipulators, and cowards period. In general people cheat for different reasons, but serial cheaters are different, they will do everything but take the blame. Just like alcoholism, and addictions, cheating on this level is rooted with mental issues and therapy is needed. She admits to her cheating, but hasn't done anything to change her behavior. Obviously she doesn't see that she is the one with the problem....that is how much of a nut job she is.

 

 

I honestly think there are "generally" (but not always as I said above) very distinct differences between reactions for Men and Women who cheat and get caught. I'm just going from my own experience .... the real life reactions from people I have seen cheat and get caught. I can't say this is always the case but it has been my experience in the past.

 

The Men I know who cheated often still really loved their wives\girlfriends (I say "really" loved - take that with a grain of salt) and were absolutely devastated when they got caught .... or even if they didn't get caught they regretted their actions and admitted it was their fault. I also know 2 guys who are basically serial cheaters. They admit its their issue - they are just are very average human beings and don't seem able or willing to stop what they do. They don't blame the women for what they do - they know its them and when caught they basically throw their hands in the air and say I'll never do it again.

 

Women I have seen who cheat almost ALWAYS blame the man for not bringing something to the relationship and the bad part is they often really actually believe it is the mans fault. They seem to get angry at their partners while they are cheating and grossly exaggerate the issues in the relationship as a way to justify their actions. I think this is not only to others but also to themselves. I have seen women tell blatant lies about their husbands they cheated on as justification for what they did. Bizarre stories that I know to be untrue. From what the women say you would think the guy was a raving drunken animal - but having met them they are some of the nicest, most honest guys you will ever meet.

 

The crap thing is the men usually wear the blame at first and think its their fault - much like the author of this thread Norse did.

 

Cheating sucks on both sides so I am not trying to completely hammer women here .... I just find it weird how different the reactions to getting caught are. I think for women there is a lot more shame involved because of society's moral code about women's sexuality ... its moved on a lot from the old days but most girls I know still have some sort of weird "good girl" complex from the way they were raised and when caught cheating they seem to do anything to protect this weird image of themselves.