aliveagain Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 She couldn't make it 10 months before she cheated, how do you expect to make it 10 years? She told you about cheating on other boyfriends, she just did to you, how will you ever feel safe when she has so many men around her? How safe will you feel if she gets deployed? She just showed you what the rest of your life will be like with her, believe what she just showed you. Detach, pull yourself out of infidelity, run. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Yeah she tried to say all of that was in her past and she only did it when she felt the relationship was over and she was unhappy.... I figured just maybe she had grown up. LOL! And she's telling YOU to grow up and stop acting like a 15 year old boy? Pot....kettle...black.... Oh, and if you think it was just a kiss, I got a bridge to sell you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 I honestly think there are "generally" (but not always as I said above) very distinct differences between reactions for Men and Women who cheat and get caught. I'm just going from my own experience .... the real life reactions from people I have seen cheat and get caught. I can't say this is always the case but it has been my experience in the past. The Men I know who cheated often still really loved their wives\girlfriends (I say "really" loved - take that with a grain of salt) and were absolutely devastated when they got caught .... or even if they didn't get caught they regretted their actions and admitted it was their fault. I also know 2 guys who are basically serial cheaters. They admit its their issue - they are just are very average human beings and don't seem able or willing to stop what they do. They don't blame the women for what they do - they know its them and when caught they basically throw their hands in the air and say I'll never do it again. Women I have seen who cheat almost ALWAYS blame the man for not bringing something to the relationship and the bad part is they often really actually believe it is the mans fault. They seem to get angry at their partners while they are cheating and grossly exaggerate the issues in the relationship as a way to justify their actions. I think this is not only to others but also to themselves. I have seen women tell blatant lies about their husbands they cheated on as justification for what they did. Bizarre stories that I know to be untrue. From what the women say you would think the guy was a raving drunken animal - but having met them they are some of the nicest, most honest guys you will ever meet. The crap thing is the men usually wear the blame at first and think its their fault - much like the author of this thread Norse did. Cheating sucks on both sides so I am not trying to completely hammer women here .... I just find it weird how different the reactions to getting caught are. I think for women there is a lot more shame involved because of society's moral code about women's sexuality ... its moved on a lot from the old days but most girls I know still have some sort of weird "good girl" complex from the way they were raised and when caught cheating they seem to do anything to protect this weird image of themselves. Men complain about being neglected by their SO too. Not all men are walking around dragging their nuckles being driven by their sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Men complain about being neglected by their SO too. Not all men are walking around dragging their nuckles being driven by their sex drive. Yeah agreed .... the 2 guys I mentioned as serial cheaters really are the exception not the rule - the others I mentioned are maybe more traditional examples and viewed their cheating as more of a moment of weakness and something they regretted and didn't actively seek out. To some extent they said the reason they did it was they enjoyed the attention and the thrill of being wanted which was missing from their own relationship. I think that is a big part of why cheaters cheat ... particularly in long term relationships where things have gone a bit stale. People love to feel attractive and wanted. But the Men I have seen while they fell into this category of saying they felt under appreciated - they never outright blamed their wife's for their cheating. They still had some level of ownership for their actions and for the most part still had feelings for their wives. The women I have seen their reaction was COMPLETELY different. They didn't just say they felt unappreciated by their husband they outright blamed their husbands for what they did. A lot of them even refused to admit the cheating when they were caught red handed. They started making up complete crap stories about their husband/partners and telling their friends. These often start before they ended it with their partner or got caught. They started talking really sarcastically about them in the extreme. I witnessed a couple of incidents and then heard the stories back from their wives and it was bizarre how grossly exaggerated the stories were. Most were honestly just bare faced lies. Again this is only from my limited experience but I have seen 4 women cheat with long term partners and either get caught or leave there partner and the reactions have almost been identical. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Like I said I've been on the boards for about a decade and men blame their spouse for giving no choice but to cheat because of neglect. Some won't even admit guilt like they are entitled to do it. But not eveyone cheats for the same reasons, so it's not so black and white. Some will cheat because of their sex addiction, emotional problems, boredom, ego boost, loneliness, lack of sex etc. I know of two women (friends for many years) that were serial cheaters. Not one of them ever blamed their spouse. One had low self esteem issues and did it for the boost, or the high. The other just had a real desire to have sex with other men out side her relationship. I remember one of them saying "I just can't help myself". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Just thought I'd post a little update.. after a few more discussions she proceeded to tell me she needed space and felt smothered and all she could do was see me at fault for everything and read too deep into everything I said. So two nights ago I packed up and left, people have told me not to text her so I didn't, I'm in a situation where I feel the old saying, "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you" so I want to give it another chance... So about 9 p.m. last night she shot me a "hey how are you?" Text. So I replied back saying I was good and asked how she was, she was also good.... Then I told her I was hanging out with some friends and asked how her day was and I haven't heard anything since and I know this is her day off because I had some cool plans for us today prior to this all happening. Just don't understand why she didn't reply to that, no one sleeps 15 hours... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Do some reading on "codependency" Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Hook. Line. Sinker. You shouldn't have texted back in the first place. She's not your friend. You packed, you left, leave her in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Just thought I'd post a little update.. after a few more discussions she proceeded to tell me she needed space and felt smothered and all she could do was see me at fault for everything and read too deep into everything I said. So two nights ago I packed up and left, people have told me not to text her so I didn't, I'm in a situation where I feel the old saying, "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you" so I want to give it another chance... So about 9 p.m. last night she shot me a "hey how are you?" Text. So I replied back saying I was good and asked how she was, she was also good.... Then I told her I was hanging out with some friends and asked how her day was and I haven't heard anything since and I know this is her day off because I had some cool plans for us today prior to this all happening. Just don't understand why she didn't reply to that, no one sleeps 15 hours... Bravo.... You are back to Square One. You do realize the whole "I need space" line is in Chapter 4, section 19 of The Cheaters handbook , right? You should have jumped at the chance and given this train wreck all the space she needed. Now she'll screw around and stick to you like a bad meal at a Tummyacher Diner. Seriously you need to cut all contact, have a friend arrange to get the rest of your things from her place (If you have anything over there...) and leave her to her destiny of feeling smothered by the next guy she pulls this crap on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Well she didn't make contact today but she did change her Facebook pic to one with the guy she cheated on me with in it, and a few other people in it as well. Not sure if this was done to spite me or as a hint of what comes next. Either way it has my blood boiling. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 She's saying, can we just be friends? I have moved on.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Well I don't understand what the holdup is why didn't she go ahead and tell me she's done and or untack the relationship status. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Maybe she's trying to make sure you finally cut ties with her or she is just a vindictive _unt. IMO you need to shut all this down and move on.....seriously.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 I mean I dont even know what to say. Everyone I have spoken with says this isn't my fault it's hers. I want her to see that. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 ha you are wasting your time and energy needlessly. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Don't wast any more time on her. What do you hope to gain, winning back a cheater? Hold your head up high, change your number, use the picture she posted of her and OM as wrapping paper for the return of everything she ever gave you. Have a party, use the same picture on your invite for your freedom party. Make sure you send an invite to a couple of her best friends, hire two strippers as your date, post pictures on your facebook than loose her number. Come on man, being alone is better than being her back up. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I mean I dont even know what to say. Everyone I have spoken with says this isn't my fault it's hers. I want her to see that. You want a cheater to admit responsibility and accountability so that you can feel better? Get the blue hell out of here. Hold your breath then and see what happens first, her coming clean or you expiring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 You need to BLOCK her on Facebook, it's only going to get worse from here on out. Block her and unfollow her on all your social media. If she texts again (especially after you do this) ignore it. Let all calls go to voicemail. She made the choice to have you out of her life, give her what she's asking for. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I mean I dont even know what to say. Everyone I have spoken with says this isn't my fault it's hers. I want her to see that. Norse, Try as we may the only person we can control is ourselves, and no one else. I understand you are looking for some sort of rational explanation for how you were treated. I can say many of us(including myself) who were subject to similar treatment in the past initially thought we could make our S.O. see the light or have a "Eureka Moment", whereby our cheater suddenly realizes what they have done, comes to us in tears of true remorse and we go on to live happily ever after as the credits roll and the patrons leave the theater in a hopeful state. What I am saying is that you should not expect to get the answers or even anything close to what you want out of any explanation you may be provided. Your best course of action in this case is to cut off any and all contact with her. Block her from contacting you in any way. No Contact is equivalent to No New Hurts to be subjected to. She changed her FB pic? Yeah in the skewed world of Social Media you might as well take that as a sign that you have been replaced and were the last one to know. Sorry to be so blunt and I don't intend to offend you but please please please do yourself a favor and leave this woman to her destiny. She fired you from your job as her boyfriend. Take the hint...and run with it. You should be relieved this albatross is no longer around your neck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 You need to BLOCK her on Facebook, it's only going to get worse from here on out. Block her and unfollow her on all your social media. If she texts again (especially after you do this) ignore it. Let all calls go to voicemail. She made the choice to have you out of her life, give her what she's asking for. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. ^^^^^^This 1 Million Percent! I can never stress enough to people when something like this happens the absolute importance of deleting someone from their lives. I have come to believe that no true healing in our digital age can really take place without it. Too bad so many people like to drag it out with the FB creeping and all that stuff...literally the biggest waste of time ever...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norse Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 I can't help but be curious, so after several days I sent a casual message, where we started talking, I asked her if she wanted to meet in a day or two because I had other things going on at the moment, I also told her I needed space too, which she was curious as to why, and I told her I needed time to myself and time to spend with my friends. All in all she seemed to be very enthusiastic about meeting and told me to name a time and place. I know everyone says there is no understanding to this and to just drop this girl, normally I would. I've had somewhat similar situations before and quickly removed myself from them, however this one I'm approaching differently. I feel either she really does feel smothered and does want to work things out, or she's playing a game very well, which seems like a big waste of time and energy to me. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Are you serious? Why are you still wasting time on this chick?? You're telling her you need space, so why exactly do you need to meet her?? Why do you feel the need to explain anything at all let alone contact her?? She sure as hell isn't giving YOU any explanations. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I can't help but be curious, so after several days I sent a casual message, where we started talking, I asked her if she wanted to meet in a day or two because I had other things going on at the moment, I also told her I needed space too, which she was curious as to why, and I told her I needed time to myself and time to spend with my friends. All in all she seemed to be very enthusiastic about meeting and told me to name a time and place. I know everyone says there is no understanding to this and to just drop this girl, normally I would. I've had somewhat similar situations before and quickly removed myself from them, however this one I'm approaching differently. I feel either she really does feel smothered and does want to work things out, or she's playing a game very well, which seems like a big waste of time and energy to me. And Hugest Sucker of the Year award goes tooooooooooooo.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Good grief. Some people need to be beaten over the head and ripped to shreds to learn. "I've had somewhat similar situations before and quickly removed myself from them, however this one I'm approaching differently." Just as how you mentioned that you knew she has always cheated on her past partners before -- you thought you and what you had with her was special and she'd never do it to you? Well, she did. You are the rule, not the exception. Let's see how this special, one of a kind approach of yours works when dealing with someone who is patterned to cheat. The issue isn't with her anymore. The dysfunction is with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Uggh....Why do people think their situation is different. Okay! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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