Did I do the right thing?

[memomma]

I'm not sure what I've done.

I have been thinking a LONG time about a divorce. I've talked to my husband about my feelings, talked to counselors, etc. etc. etc.

Finally, last night I thought I needed to just try to be honest with my husband and try to get him to realize that this is not just talk... it's a possible reality for us and I wanted him to know what I've been thinking about.

I told him I've been thinking about moving to Florida....we live in the Northeast.

He just looked at me. I asked him what he was thinking. He told me "nothing". I tried to explain to him that I'm not doing this to hurt him. I'm actually doing it because I don't want to hurt him. I really believe if we don't divorce.....he refuses counseling....that I could very possibly end up having an affair and/or hating him and that's not what I want to do.

Anyway one huge problem in our marriage is the lack of communication.

He hasn't talked to me since I shared my plans with him. I asked him what he was thinking....he said nothing, I went up stairs, he left and hasn't spoken to me since.

I don't know what I expected. I just really wish we could talk. Maybe if we could talk, things wouldn't be as bad as they are.

I don't understand how else to explain the need I have to be able to talk and to connect with the person I'm married to.

Now I just kind of feel like the bad guy.......

Should I have just kept silent, made my plans and then surprised him with divorce papers?

I had hoped we could be honest with one another and be able to work things out even if the relationship ended in divorce.

[caer]

I know you've probably heard this before, but one big problem that we males have is folding up into ourselves when we feel emotionally threatened.

What I mean is, when you told him of your feelings and then asked him what he thought, he said "nothing", and then didn't want to talk anymore about the issue. That would be my only explanation of how he acted.

 

To be bluntly honest, I think you telling him is better off in the long run. I was never told of my X's feelings until the day she asked me to leave, and it tends to make me resent her more for not even giveing me the chance to try and fix what was broken.

 

Your husband may think he's doing himself some good by not talking about it, but will find out, the less you talk means the more it will eat you up inside about what you could have done to salvage the situation.

 

If I may ask, how long have you and your husband been married? Do you have any children? Kids are the ones who seem to get hurt the most when it comes to seperation/divorce. Even when you explain to them that none of it is their fault, they still think that maybe they can do something to help get mommy and daddy back together.

 

I think you did the right thing by wanting to talk to him first before doing something that you might regret later. Maybe a seperation might help. You never know, absence does make the heart grow fonder. And maybe then he'll realize what he had...

 

Good Luck!!! Caer

[Yikes]

No, I don't think that you made a mistake. Far from it.

 

You were offering honest heart-felt diagogue, it's only too bad that you got nothing in return. You are being a responsible adult. Far better that than to not say anything, put up walls, resent your husband and have an affair. That's what my wife did and if I had a choice, I'd rather that she chose your route.

 

Good luck.

[memomma]

We've been married for over 6 years and this lack of communication has been ongoing for at least 5 1/2 of those 6 years.

We do not have children together.

I have three children who he married (supposedly) when he married me. He has refused to talk to two of the three at different times as well.

Unfortunately, this is his pattern.

I tried to explain to him that the only way you can get by without talking is to live by yourself. You have to talk to one another.

I think it's essential.

I've even said to him...if you can't talk to me, write me. Write me a letter and just tell me what's going on.

Nothing.

I know I probably did the right thing but it is still a scary thing to do.

He blames me for always talking about divorce as if it's just because I want the divorce.

That is really truly not the case.

I just need things to be different.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

When you speak about your plans to move to Florida are you including him in these plans? Can this be a dream the two of you could share? Is it possible that he feels like an outsider since the kids are yours from previously?

 

Why not look into another approach instead of throwing divorce at him everytime he doesn't want to talk. There must be more to his silence than "that's just the way he is". What is it exactly that puts him there?

 

Have you considered marriage counselling for either yourself or the both of you?

 

I apologize for answering your questions with more questions, but I'm not good at giving advice, just re-evaluating and offering more options.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sadly, I know exactly how you feel.

 

I told STBXH that I was going to leave several times, he didn't wake up until I did and by then it was too late for me.

 

I told him the same thing- that I would end up having an affair if he didn't give me some attention. He never did. What happened? I cheated. You know why? I was so lonely that I cried myself to sleep all the time.

 

Get out before you cheat. The aftermath of an affair is a living nightmare- I'm living it right now. Plus, that way you can leave with your head held up high, I didn't give myself that privledge.

[memomma]

That's what I was thinking....if things are so bad that I'm afraid of the possibility of an affair.....then things are really bad.

I really would hate to be involved in an affair mainly because of my children to be honest. I have tried to live a certain lifestyle and I think if I did that....they would be so disillusioned that it would be devastating.

I'm not saying I don't care at all about my husband's feelings, I'm just saying the example I set for my children is major in my eyes and I couldn't do that to them. Make sense?

An earlier post asked if I talked about moving to Florida as a couple or by myself. It would be without my husband.

That is why I told him that.....I need him to hear what I've been saying to him about the state of our marriage. I don't think he hears me when I try to tell him how bad things are.

Counseling is not an option because he refuses to go. I'm tired of going and talking about how unhappy our marriage is and how I can't change how he acts or how he treats my children.

He still isn't talking to me since I told him I was thinking of moving to Florida two nights ago. Nothing.

He was supposed to do something for me this AM so I could take my daughter to the doctor's and when I asked him last night if he was going to.....he said no. He also said "are you kidding me?''. I asked him why are you saying no and he told me it was because of what I had said. So because I made the decision to try to be honest with him, he is not going to help me. Go figure.

Now all I had asked him to do was be here at the house while I took my daughter to the doctor. I didn't ask him to buy me diamonds or take me to dinner....I just asked for his help so I could keep a medical appt.

Anyway....

it's silence here on the home front once again.

My son's motor on his truck blew up last night and we had to have his truck towed home. Do you think my husband has asked about it?

Nope.

Yup, I'm a married single mom.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh honey, I feel for you!

 

In all honesty- that's why I got out. I didn't get caught during the time of the A- it was a fling really with a dear friend I've known for a long time. I couldn't have cheated with anyone else. I was afraid of MYSELF and how I was feeling. I truly never meant to hurt my H at all.

 

My STBXH was so selfish he would rather take the last penny we had to make sure he had lunch rather than his kids have lunch! That was the last straw for me.

 

My children do not know about the A- but they sound like they are younger than yours are. I don't feel like it's something they have to know- I didn't leave my H for this other man. His neglect caused me to start looking elsewhere for what I didn't have at home- I'm not saying he made me cheat- because it was fully my choice and I accept that. I'm just saying if he would have stayed home more and been a husband to me, I wouldn't have strayed, and I wouldn't have.

 

There is something better out there for you. Now, I'm involved with a wonderful man- who is truly into communication (more than I am) and treats me wonderfully. If I would have stayed with my STBXH I would have never met him!