Dad still abusing me at 37 years old

[Serifina]

I'll try to keep this short and sweet....

 

 

My biological father and my Mom divorced when I was 6 months old. My Mom then married my Step father who adopted me at the age of 2. I've always felt like I was "the baggage" that came along with my mom.

 

 

Abuse from this man was never physical, altho he would always threaten to get physical. When I was twelve he suggested I start a diet pill because I was getting a little too fat to be his daughter. Its always been little things like that. Now at 37, he criticizes my kids, the way I keep my house, my job, the way I parent, and the way I look.

 

 

Over the 4th of July we all went camping together. We were talking about how my 12 year old daughter used to be "grandpas little princess." I looked at my dad and said, "I remember when I was little and you used to call me that" and he said, "yeah well now you are just fat and ugly." its amazing after all this time how much those words still hurt. And he doesn't just stop the abuse at me, its at my friends too.

 

 

We were having a birthday party for my daughter and one of my friends was there with her kids. Her youngest son is disabled, and as we were getting him ready to go swimming my dad said outloud, right in front of his mother, "someone should just put a bullet to his head, he is not good for the future of society"

 

 

Things like this constantly spew from his mouth. And I can't stand up to him, I am scared, still. It brings me back to when I was a kid and he would say all this stuff to me and I would sit in my room and cry for hours. I'm really at a loss for what to do.

 

 

I recently asked my mom how she puts up with it. Because he belittles her too, and she said, "I guess I just don't pay any attention to it, I never hear him say bad things to me." I think she is just in denial.

 

 

Maybe if I had had some support as a child, some "atta girls" or "great job" or "im proud of you" or "you are so beautiful" I would have turned out different, taken better care of myself, wouldn't be "fat and ugly", or gotten married to the first guy that showed a little attention to me, and now cheats on me.

 

 

I am in counseling, I am trying to better myself, not just for me but for my kids, who are my whole world now.

 

 

Have any of you had to confront an abusive parent? I am so afraid he is going to start treating my kids this way... and I promise he will never see them again if he does. How do I stop it before it happens? How do I stand up for myself? my family? He intimidates me so much, I'm scared to say anything.....

[pteromom]

I am so afraid he is going to start treating my kids this way... and I promise he will never see them again if he does.

 

Protect yourself the same way you would protect your children.

 

How do I stop it before it happens?

 

Well, you could try talking to him, but he seems so emotionally impaired, that I don't know it would do any good.

 

How do I stand up for myself? my family? He intimidates me so much, I'm scared to say anything.....

 

Maybe the answer is just to distance yourself and your family from him. You don't need to be around someone like that.

[amaysngrace]

It's sounds like he's setting your daughter up to be the next recipient of his abuse by calling her his princess the way he did to you.

 

She'll always want that positive attention from him the very same way you craved it.

 

Do you think he'll always treat her positively or what?

[Taramere]

It doesn't sound as though your mother is any sort of support. Do you have a partner, or are you on your own?

 

Given the lack of support and the impact this man has had on you, I hope the counselling is focusing on helping you to build your self esteem and a sense of identity that isn't connected with the negative one he seems to want you to have. The comments he makes to you are just vile and destructive and the comment he made about your friend's son - right in front of your friend - really makes me wonder if this guy has an antisocial behaviour disorder. That's just so far outside the bounds of common decency. You say you're intimidated by him, and that this prevents you from confronting him. Well, that's quite a normal response I would say. The guy is a toxic bully who would likely enjoy confrontation.

 

Have you discussed your desire to confront him, and your fears about doing so, with the counsellor?

[Grumpybutfun]

Go no contact. You will be complicit in your children's abuse if you continue letting him be around your kids. If your mother didn't protect you, she won't protect herself because she is scared of him too. So tell her you no longer will put up with his abuse and if she wants to see you or your kids she must come to you without him. Time to stop letting him abuse you and protect your children. You are an adult and you can protect yourself and your children. Never see or talk to this person again. He sounds horrid. You can't talk to, compromise or communicate with toxic, abusive bullies so going no contact is your only freedom from his tyranny and abuse.

My wife went NC with her abusive mother at twenty five and she says it healed her in ways she never thought possible. It was the best decision she ever made because you can't change others, you can only change if or how you interact with them. She got nothing out of their relationship except to see her enabling dad who never protected her as a child so she released them both. She has never regretted it. She refused to be an abused adult.

Get help, go to a therapist to help yourself break free of the abuse. Talk to a professional therapist who deals with abuse or speak to a spiritual advisor whom you trust who is no nonsense and knows how to place boundaries.

Your mom failed you, don't fail your kids,

Grumps

Edited July 11, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Happy01]

You are in a position to remove yourself and your children from him. You can see your mom separately. You can explain to her why you are no longer visiting her when he is around. You can explain to her why he will no longer be welcome at your house. One comment from him to your child, and she/he will be damaged for life. You know. You've lived it. The damage is life altering.

 

If he wants a relationship with you and your family, he works for it. Respect yourself; protect your family. Empower yourself.

[Zeurich]

"I am in counseling, I am trying to better myself, not just for me but for my kids, who are my whole world now."

 

Simply I think he is the one who need counseling not you. I think he has the feeling that you are not no one to him. Be safe and try to stay away from him. And I wonder is your mother still living with him? And why your mother wont say anything against this sort of situations?

But he is your step Dad but my own mother even worst! She never admire me she never blessed me for anything, her phrase was " you do a degree? who will pass you?" "you cannot do sports you are lazy" can you imagine how I supposed to get hurt. My way of treating her I took those in to my mind and I become a well educated person. The curses driven me nuts I know what you mean by " I am proud about you girl" but try not to do that to your children. Admire your children. Tell them how much you love them, how much you proud about them. My mother was a person who give millions of moral support for outsiders but not for her own child. So you are not alone my friend! Life is not always easy! learn from it be strong and go for what you want, just be the opposite of your step dad as I am opposite of my own mother!

[pink_sugar]

This is your step father doing this? Or your bio dad? Either way, you need to stop speaking with this man permanently. He's not going to change. That is the first step. I'm amazed you didn't cut him out of your life sooner...but in any case, you need to do that now. Not only is it highly inappropriate, but he is a terrible terrible example for your kids.

 

p.s. It is relatively easy to cut a step parent out versus a biological one. After my MIL passed away, we have nothing to do with my husband's step father.

Edited July 12, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Smilecharmer]

You do need counseling for your own abuse so you can heal. This is a bad situation. All I know is no one will abuse me because I'm an adult and I don't need anyone more than I need safety for my kids. Emotionally abusing my kids wouldn't be an option. I agree with the posters who say cut him out of your life for good until he apologizes, gets therapy for his abuse issues and starts treating me and mine with respect. Since abusers usually won't do that, time to cut ties.

[Eivuwan]

I don't think this is the kind of guy who will back off even if you're assertive with him. I say stay away as far as possible. My family was never as abusive as this man, but they tend to be critical. It wasn't until I literally move away to another state for college and obtain therapy that I was able to heal.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

For some people " normal and healthy " families are often a fantasy. I'm sorry the cards didn't deal a healthy family situation for you that you might have wished for. Because it seems like your dad is in denial of his septic and selfish behaviour, severing off all ties maybe the only option left for you for the emotional survival of you and your children. You may be critised for it, but at least your no longer putting up with it. Concentrate on being the best mum to your children ( which I'm sure you already do) and stay the hell away. Everyone else can stay co-dependent on his mental and emotional abuse but you don't have to. And by keeping yourself a way, your sending a sharp strong message that you don't have to and that you wont.