Being casual sex material vs relationship material

[Els]

Are you talking to me Elswyth?

 

Huh? No, the OP... I didn't quote you.

[somedude81]

Huh? No, the OP... I didn't quote you.

 

You posted right after me so I wasn't sure.

 

My mistake.

[GoodOnPaper]

She thinks you're a really nice guy, but the nature of the relationship isn't really one that has the kind of lust and sexual intimacy that you observe other men receiving from women.

 

This really sums up the negative connotation to being pegged as a "relationship guy".

[Ryan R.]

I am actually not into casual sex. I am just looking for a nice relationship honestly. That's all I care about. If I can get a reasonably attractive (I don't mean just physically - yes, a part of attraction is physical but it's also about what's on the inside) girlfriend, that will more than satisfy me. That's all I am looking for.

 

Which is surprising because apparently at my age (16), most guys seem more interested in banging as many girls as they can. Me, I just want to find a nice girl that I like and likes me back that I can trust and have a good, secure relationship with.

 

Good luck sir. No, I'm really serious. Good luck. It's a tough market out there. Especially at your age.

 

I can't speak for all women; however, if a man isn't good enough for sex, he's not "hubby material." Sorry. Being single is great. I don't need money. Seriously. Are there really so many women out there who want to marry a man they don't love?

 

You honestly don't know. The sex tends to peter out as the relationship goes on towards nonexistent.

 

Your view of the world is very tiny and seems to be warped by something you feel is lacking in your life. If you want to have casual sex and that is a goal in life for you, then you are just as much a casual sex kind of guy as the guy who is having it. Most well adjusted, successful in life women want a relationship guy and never would settle for a casual sex player kind of guy.

 

Most women have casual sex, especially with men who have no traits of being a long term partner.

 

I feel sorry for the OP's distorted view that a man has to be the casual sex material in order to be viewed as relationship material later on by women or that a man that doesn't have a history of sleeping around is one with mental issues that goes beyond not having experience.

 

Seems like he is talking in polar extremes. I doubt most men are in those two categories.

 

If you read, you would see I said it was on a spectrum. Most lean to the sides of that spectrum, a very, very, very small minority are in the center.

 

Seriously ...

 

 

 

I guess if you're a sexually frustrated young person with poor self esteem, it might be understandable that you'd consider being "chosen" for a probably drunken one night stand to be more of a privilege, an honor and a fulfilling role in life than being "chosen" to spend a lifetime with and to be a father to my children.

 

Hope you change your mind on that some day. Because you're really off base.

 

You say that everyone who has casual sex is drunk. Not true. People can be chosen for a variety of sexual arrangements without being seen as relationship material. My friends have heard the "oh you're sexy but I don't see us getting into a relationship". Most guys who girls choose for that have been passed over sexually.

 

B) Or a healthy virgin that indeed has a great sex drive, is confident and always motivated in learning more. By the time marriage comes, he would already be experienced even if it was just with her whom he marries later on. He has both qualities as well too.

 

An experienced virgin is an oxymoron.

 

Thank you. I think this is where the disconnect is. Please bear with me as this might not make sense. I would rather be loved than desired because my experience as a woman has been the exact opposite. As a woman the attention starts at twelve and feels like you being aggressively pursued for sex everyday by almost every guy you meet until you wear sweats and ball caps and oversized clothes so you can get some peace. Nothing you achieve or do or say is more important than your looks to the young guys around you and the perverted old guys too. They leer, ogle and get in your space so you have to be mean and hostile so they will stop annoying you to death. From twelves this happens to me everyday and still happens. I just wanted a guy who saw more than my looks and I found one. We still be all romantic and I'm no cold fish because he is super sexy and sensual. Most party girls who are looking for drama instead of relationships usually wouldn't be girls I would think would be marriage material later anyway. They hold onto that lifestyle after marriage. Find well adjusted girls who are looking for something real and who also find you sexy.

 

I cannot relate to your perspective, you cannot relate to mine. For us, being seen as sexually desirable is a big thing. I've read a study where most women don't see most men as sexually desirable at all, whatsoever. So beating the odds is a big deal. The more girls you sleep with, the more your masculinity is verified as a lot of girls like what you have to offer. When you sleep with no girls at my age, your masculinity is diminished. What good are you for. You sleep with no girls. You have not seduced a girl. No girl has ever given you the green light. It can take a big toll on a man's self esteem and one who hasn't, I salute him wholeheartedly, I truly do. Being a male virgin is a whole different world from being a female one. Women see sex as a consolation prize, for men it's bigger than that.

 

IMO? You have absolutely no idea what being 'relationship material' actually entails, because you have never been that either (which is of course a surprise given your, uh, wonderful personality). You are idealizing 'casual sex material', because it certainly beats being 'no material'.

 

From observation, the guys who actually do choose between the two - some will prefer the relationship and others will prefer the casual sex.

 

Also, as for the guys who let themselves be 'settled for' by a woman who clearly doesn't care about them but only wants their money? The onus is on themselves for allowing that, same as if a woman stays with a 'partner' who only cares about their appearance and sex. Not much sympathy for either.

 

You know Elswyth, you seem to be very judgmental towards guys who tend to have a hard row in the attracting and keeping women department. Every post you make towards those types of guys seems to be either a backhanded disrespect or "whatever :rolleyes:". Yes, casual sex material is "idolized". The root of it is having your pick of women. When you are considered casual sex material, you most likely can attract women off of your looks alone. All that's needed for a relationship is personality. Most people don't have an off base personality. Even if your personality is as dead as rocks, you will find someone who will be with you just for your looks and possibly money. So, it's not a bad thing to be considered casual sex material and it certainly beats nothing.

[dragon_fly_7]

If you read, you would see I said it was on a spectrum. Most lean to the sides of that spectrum, a very, very, very small minority are in the center.

Then you must be associating with the minority found on the end of either side of the spectrum. I doubt most are there.

An experienced virgin is an oxymoron.

I said confident virgin (confidence to me isn't how many women you can bed......lol) and if you read carefully instead of trying to change what I was stating, that man in that example has already gained experience in that one relationship by the time he marries her.

[Shepp]

Casual Sex Material = She thinks Im hot

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome!

 

 

Easy call!

[Glinda.Good]

You say that everyone who has casual sex is drunk. Not true.

I know it's not true, and I did not say that.

 

I got the impression from your OP that you would feel more valued if you got a one night stand, drunk, than if you were in love and planning a future with someone.

 

People can be chosen for a variety of sexual arrangements without being seen as relationship material. My friends have heard the "oh you're sexy but I don't see us getting into a relationship". Most guys who girls choose for that have been passed over sexually.

 

That is not true. Many (NOT ALL) girls go into a sexual relationship hoping that it will lead to a real relationship. When it does not - because the guy does not want to - THEN she learns that he was "fun sex" and not "relationship" material.

 

Anyway, MOST guys who girls choose for long term, true love, leading to marriage relationships are not getting passed over sexually by those girls! No! Being sexually attracted to a man is a huge part of what makes most of us want to be in a relationship.

 

Trust me.

 

I cannot relate to your perspective, you cannot relate to mine. For us, being seen as sexually desirable is a big thing. I've read a study where most women don't see most men as sexually desirable at all, whatsoever. So beating the odds is a big deal. The more girls you sleep with, the more your masculinity is verified as a lot of girls like what you have to offer. When you sleep with no girls at my age, your masculinity is diminished. What good are you for. You sleep with no girls. You have not seduced a girl. No girl has ever given you the green light. It can take a big toll on a man's self esteem and one who hasn't, I salute him wholeheartedly, I truly do. Being a male virgin is a whole different world from being a female one. Women see sex as a consolation prize, for men it's bigger than that.

 

I understand and commiserate with the bolded. The rest of the post is indicative of what YOU need to work on as a human being.

 

I get that you want to be sexually desired, but women / girls are not objects to provide you with the ego gratification you desperately crave.

 

I hope you learn that some day. In the meanwhile, it's probably for the best that you're not sexually active with girls. Nobody needs to be a tool to feed the ego of another person.

 

P.S. Women don't see sex as a "consolation prize."

[Ryan R.]

I understand and commiserate with the bolded. The rest of the post is indicative of what YOU need to work on as a human being.

 

I get that you want to be sexually desired, but women / girls are not objects to provide you with the ego gratification you desperately desire.

 

I do not ask for a lighter burden, but rather stronger shoulders.

 

 

By next month, this will all resolve itself.

[Smilecharmer]

I do not ask for a lighter burden, but rather stronger shoulders.

 

 

By next month, this will all resolve itself.

 

 

Maybe you see a huge chasm and there may be a disconnect but screwing a million girls isn't going to be healthy if it is the sole purpose of feeding your ego. I take it from your above statement that you are visiting an escort. She won't be able to heal the hurt in you, only you can do that by seeing yourself as more than just a sexual being. I get that men want to be desired in the same way some women want to be loved. I have both because I did not settle. I waited for someone who was nice and had chemistry with me. No matter what people look like, if they are interesting and love life, people gravitate to them.

[laurelin]

Most women have casual sex, especially with men who have no traits of being a long term partner.

 

You state this like it's a fact. Do you have evidence of it? Is there a scientific study you can cite or is this based upon your own experience in listening to friends, reading articles or forum threads, etc. and then making some sort of informal conclusion?

 

By next month, this will all resolve itself.

 

Is this the "specialist" to whom you referred in your original post? I'm assuming you mean some kind of prostitute, correct? Just FYI, prostitutes are PAID for sex. Paid sex has nothing to do with attraction or anything 'casual'. She won't provide you with instructions or attempt to improve your 'technique'. You're not going to make her feel good or sexy or anything but 'on the job'. She's just going to be there as a receptacle for your use -- an object.

 

The longer you delude yourself into believing women are objects and/or selfish whores who give it away for free to undeserving jerks with 'experience', the longer you will remain unattractive and repellent to women.

[SmartDude]

I've already said my peace. So I have a question for the guys: which one would you choose? Which one have you been?

 

To me its not so much a choice as it is just natural phases in life.

 

You get into a monogamous relationship, it takes its course and it will eventually end.

After having such an experience, the last thing I want is more of that. So then its time to spend some years alone. I will get back into all of my old hobbies, listen to music my ex GF does not like, wake up in the morning with only one person to worry about(that would be me).

 

Then realizing that I am free of any obligation to a relationship, I try to prolong this state of affairs for awhile. I go out adventuring with the goal of having new experiences with women. I seek out others who are in the same phase of the relationship cycle, and thus no one gets hurt. We are seeking the same type of arrangement.

 

After awhile this fun will wear off. I am just about at that point now. Next will be gathering the strength to be in a monogamous committed relationship once again. Just the act of being open to some one in that way, yet not seeking. It is an internal change.

 

I have accepted that life may be a series of girlfriends and that is not so bad. It takes a lot for me to be really smitten with a woman. Maybe I will find one that actually gives me that feeling of wanting to have a marriage ceremony. I find most marriages to be the embodiment of everything that I despise. As a kid I was never one of the first to hand in my assignment and bask in the approval of teachers. I always thought those kids were ignorant fools. Likewise when I see a young couple with this glazed look of love struck foolishness that says "look everyone, we did it!", it makes me want to barf. They are just like the kids who wanted to hand in their assignments early so they could suck up to their authority figures. The approval of others matters more to them than the actual relationship.

 

Just remember that saying about the grass being greener on the other side....It does hold true.

 

There is another famous quote that is appropriate at times as well: "The only winning move is not to play."

[Ryan R.]

Is this the "specialist" to whom you referred in your original post? I'm assuming you mean some kind of prostitute, correct? Just FYI, prostitutes are PAID for sex. Paid sex has nothing to do with attraction or anything 'casual'. She won't provide you with instructions or attempt to improve your 'technique'. You're not going to make her feel good or sexy or anything but 'on the job'. She's just going to be there as a receptacle for your use -- an object.

 

The longer you delude yourself into believing women are objects and/or selfish whores who give it away for free to undeserving jerks with 'experience', the longer you will remain unattractive and repellent to women.

 

You are speaking as if I am not only ignorant to the ways of a specialist but that I am believing that women are only sex dispensers. If that was all that you took out of my post, then that is very sad. I realize that seeing a specialist is a one (or many) time deal. It is only meant to break the barrier, so I can experience a woman's sexual side. Then since I am no longer a virgin, I will no longer feel any subtle intimidation and I will be able to pursue one night stands and work my way up knowing how to seduce women. However, this topic isn't about that.

 

I also realize that women have a massive degree of autonomy. That is why I have been passed over as a suitable long term or short term guy. I already realize that my attitude isn't repellant to women. I have many female friends and I had female friends in college. I have seen who they go after? The guys with experience. Or they guys that (should) have experience. Tall, charismatic, extremely socially attuned. That guy didn't come out the womb that way. He was socialized by family and positive interactions with girls. When you have a guy who has been told and shown that he's sexually invalid all his life, it starts to become true.

 

All in all, I didn't expect you to understand the gravity of the situation. You're a woman and matters of sex and romance tend to come easier, especially if you're attractive. Life, I guess.

 

To me its not so much a choice as it is just natural phases in life.

 

You get into a monogamous relationship, it takes its course and it will eventually end.

After having such an experience, the last thing I want is more of that. So then its time to spend some years alone. I will get back into all of my old hobbies, listen to music my ex GF does not like, wake up in the morning with only one person to worry about(that would be me).

 

Then realizing that I am free of any obligation to a relationship, I try to prolong this state of affairs for awhile. I go out adventuring with the goal of having new experiences with women. I seek out others who are in the same phase of the relationship cycle, and thus no one gets hurt. We are seeking the same type of arrangement.

 

After awhile this fun will wear off. I am just about at that point now. Next will be gathering the strength to be in a monogamous committed relationship once again. Just the act of being open to some one in that way, yet not seeking. It is an internal change.

 

I have accepted that life may be a series of girlfriends and that is not so bad. It takes a lot for me to be really smitten with a woman. Maybe I will find one that actually gives me that feeling of wanting to have a marriage ceremony. I find most marriages to be the embodiment of everything that I despise. As a kid I was never one of the first to hand in my assignment and bask in the approval of teachers. I always thought those kids were ignorant fools. Likewise when I see a young couple with this glazed look of love struck foolishness that says "look everyone, we did it!", it makes me want to barf. They are just like the kids who wanted to hand in their assignments early so they could suck up to their authority figures. The approval of others matters more to them than the actual relationship.

 

Just remember that saying about the grass being greener on the other side....It does hold true.

 

There is another famous quote that is appropriate at times as well: "The only winning move is not to play."

 

I can get this. I have seen a lot of friends who were in relationships seek nothing attached when that relationship ends. They get it. Naturally. I doubt I'll ever even get the chance to be married but I would hate to be with someone who would take my energy as time goes on. A divorce is too many headaches.

 

As for the grass being greener on the other side... I know. It always is.

Edited July 14, 2014 by Ryan R.

[Smilecharmer]

Ryan, is it your understanding that women will want you more if you aren't a virgin? Look, good luck with whatever you think will help. We all have to make personal choices sometimes that aren't easy. I am hoping you learn that being a well rounded, smart guy is better than being aggressively pursuing casual sex guy. Quality of life for players seem great until you see them at thirty five alone and doing the same stuff as when they were twenty.

[SmartDude]

Ryan R. , it sounds like you are gona do it. I applaud you for making your own choice whether you see a sex worker or not.

 

I have had some great experiences. That being said I am also a tall handsome guy who does not really need to pay for sex... but at times, I prefer it. Your mileage may vary. In my view seeing an escort is not something you want to be doing for very long. Definitely don't want to get hooked on it. It can be a useful in some situations, I will have to admit.

 

So if I were you I would go see the "specialist". Then go take a 2 hour break and find that college hottie that you never got to have sex with. Go get wild with her too! Get it out of your system, return home broke but happy and move on.

 

Again, don't make it a habit! There are plenty of women in the business who have a hard enough time getting out because the money is addicting. Don't need to complicate things by dudes doing this indefinitely lol.

[laurelin]

You're a woman and matters of sex and romance tend to come easier, especially if you're attractive.

 

That is laughable, but I will get nowhere trying to convince you as to why. Right now, your perception of sex and romance is somewhat preoccupied by being sexually inexperienced. You have no idea how much more complicated it can become nor can you be convinced that anything could be worse than being an unattractive 23-year-old virgin.

 

It is only meant to break the barrier, so I can experience a woman's sexual side.

 

A prostitute doesn't have a 'sexual side'. A prostitute lends you her body for sex, just like she did the night before (or, maybe, an hour before) with some other guy (or group of guys). She's not going to engage you in a lot of conversation or give you the opportunity to seduce her. There's nothing to seduce. She's a sure thing.

 

You wanna gain 'experience' of a woman's sexual side? Go online and find a woman looking for a hookup who's divorced and between the ages of 45 - 60. You could probably say you're a virgin (be sure to mention your age) and need an experienced muse to tutor you in the art of seduction. I'd bet there would be several women who would be more than happy to apply for that position.

[Ryan R.]

That is laughable, but I will get nowhere trying to convince you as to why. Right now, your perception of sex and romance is somewhat preoccupied by being sexually inexperienced. You have no idea how much more complicated it can become nor can you be convinced that anything could be worse than being an unattractive 23-year-old virgin.

 

In real life, sure. It gets worse. In dating? I don't think there's much else worse other than having some type of STD.

 

 

A prostitute doesn't have a 'sexual side'. A prostitute lends you her body for sex, just like she did the night before (or, maybe, an hour before) with some other guy (or group of guys). She's not going to engage you in a lot of conversation or give you the opportunity to seduce her. There's nothing to seduce. She's a sure thing.

 

As I said, I will work my way up. You can't have a one night stand with no prior experience. It just doesn't work that way.

[Els]

You know Elswyth, you seem to be very judgmental towards guys who tend to have a hard row in the attracting and keeping women department. Every post you make towards those types of guys seems to be either a backhanded disrespect or "whatever :rolleyes:".

 

Nah... it's just you. I'm on friendly terms with several inexperienced guys, both on LS and in real life. But by all means, keep thinking that my post to you has everything to do with your inexperience and nothing to do with it being a response to your opening post.

 

All that's needed for a relationship is personality. Most people don't have an off base personality. Even if your personality is as dead as rocks, you will find someone who will be with you just for your looks and possibly money.

 

How do you know what is needed to sustain a relationship when you have never had one?

 

So, it's not a bad thing to be considered casual sex material and it certainly beats nothing.

So you agree with my suggestion that the comparison you are making is really 'casual sex material' vs 'no material', and not relevant to relationships at all? Edited July 14, 2014 by Elswyth

[Shepp]

Likewise when I see a young couple with this glazed look of love struck foolishness that says "look everyone, we did it!", it makes me want to barf. They are just like the kids who wanted to hand in their assignments early so they could suck up to their authority figures. The approval of others matters more to them than the actual relationship.

Wait what!?

Yeah yeah that's clearly why young couples get married, to impress authority figures (like who? The pope )

 

Have you ever tried marrying young? I think you'd find with every 'congratulations' that comes your way, comes that condescending poor-stupid-little-boy look.

 

You'll never please EVERYONE, no matter what you do - as a smart dude you should know that! So I take to pleasing just the people that matter, and they'll all be at my wedding

 

There is another famous quote that is appropriate at times as well: "The only winning move is not to play."

I'd call coward on that!! I have a better one...

 

You can’t outwit fate by standing on the sidelines placing little sidebets about the outcome of life. Either you wade in and risk everything you have to play the game or you don’t play at all. And if you don’t play you can’t win - Judith McNaught

 

The world doesnt stand still, your always playing, if your not moving your just wasting turns! It's like seeing the equivalent of a truck coming and you have a choice of standing still in the road or jumping into a ditch that may or may not contain poisonous snakes, and you stand in the road and hope the truck swerves, because it sometimes does, and because who is going to jump into a potential pit of poisonous snakes? ..But if the chances that the truck will swerve are lower than the prevalence of snakes, you must jump, even though people tend to overestimate the risk of acting and underestimate the risk of not acting. Sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes the risk of doing nothing is the biggest one!

[Haydn]

This is why Shepp will never be alone.

 

Thanks for this mate.

 

 

Casual Sex Material = She thinks Im hot

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome!

 

 

Easy call!

[SmartDude]

This is why Shepp will never be alone.

 

Thanks for this mate.

 

You say this as if it were a good thing. Or maybe I misunderstand.

[Shepp]

You say this as if it were a good thing. Or maybe I misunderstand.

 

 

You want to be alone?

[ascendotum]

Casual Sex Material = She thinks Im hot

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome!

 

Easy call!

 

I agree, and its often like that but not always. there are lots of agnst out there with both sexes as regards being settled for. Whatr's ideal is :

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome + I think she is hot & awesome.

You dont have to have a lot of nsa sex to be considered a great catch by women, but I find the guys that do are considered good catches, and are desired by many of their flings/ons for more. Sure some women here might not want want them, but plenty do. They have options for nsa and even more options for relationships. The guys that suck when it comes to nsa generally are not a smash hit either on the relationship front. Some will have a take what they can get attitude, which I think is far worse than GG's take on the OP wanting casual sex with a similarly enthusiastic woman as being used or a tool.

 

Sure most will end up getting a gf, but they will have a lot less options. They might not get a woman that really turns them on, or get a woman who wants to marry them until their 30safter she had her fun and is ready to settle down. The principles of attraction don't differ that much for the two, except women weight other aspects a bit more for the long haul. Also lack of success with women will make the guy less desirable in the eyes of many women.

There a lot of women out there now, who have the attitude that there are guys for fun, guys for bfs, and guys to marry, and even guys to settle into old age with. As someone said here, guys want to be all 3 or at least that way for their true love.

Anyway I don't think visiting a hooker is going to change this issue a whole lot for the OP, unless its step 1 in a series of changes in his life, but if it brings him some enjoyment and he becomes a little bit more self assured, then its probably worth it. He'll find out.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Casual Sex Material = She thinks Im hot

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome!

 

Exactly.

 

OP, I might not be in your target demographic because I never had much of a casual sex life. Even in college, I spent three of my four years in a monogamous relationship with the same person. I've just always preferred relationships. However, I had one or two "FWB" or hookup type arrangements in my early twenties, so enough to know what casual sex feels like for me and how my brain processes it.

 

The couple of men that I chose to have casual sex with, rather than pursuing relationships with, I lacked an emotional and intellectual connection to. They were fun, they were nice, they were attractive, and we had sexual chemistry. But it didn't go beyond that…and both of them wanted to (in fact, both arrangements ended when the guys decided they'd like things to get more serious).

 

I've had two long-term relationships since then and currently I am engaged to be married in a few short months. My fiancé is, hands down, the most attractive man I have dated in any capacity, casual or otherwise. But you're right in saying that I would not have had casual sex with him. However, it's not because I lacked attraction to him…on the contrary, I wanted to jump his bones the first time I saw him. But as we got to know each other on our first couple of dates, I realized how much I liked him and how much of a connection I felt with him. And anything less than a committed relationship would have resulted in me being hurt. So, no, I would not have agreed to a casual sex relationship with him, for the sake of my own sanity. I would have inevitably wanted more, leading to pain for me if all he wanted was sex.

 

Luckily, that wasn't a problem, and we have an amazing relationship and sex life. What I'm trying to emphasize is that I couldn't possibly be "settling" any less. Just because I chose to pursue a serious relationship and ultimately marriage with this man over casual sex does not mean I don't lust for him and desire him. On the contrary…I feel more of those feelings with him than I have with anyone else.

[Shepp]

I agree, and its often like that but not always. there are lots of agnst out there with both sexes as regards being settled for. Whatr's ideal is :

Relationship material = She's thinks Im hot + She thinks im awesome + I think she is hot & awesome.

You dont have to have a lot of nsa sex to be considered a great catch by women, but I find the guys that do are considered good catches, and are desired by many of their flings/ons for more. Sure some women here might not want want them, but plenty do. They have options for nsa and even more options for relationships. The guys that suck when it comes to nsa generally are not a smash hit either on the relationship front. Some will have a take what they can get attitude, which I think is far worse than GG's take on the OP wanting casual sex with a similarly enthusiastic woman as being used or a tool.

 

 

I see what your saying! In order for there to be a relationship the guy has to be interested too, but that's bringing an outcome in to things rather than just 'what would you rather be considered'!

She thinks i'm hot - I'm flattered

She thinks i'm hot and awesome - I'm flattered

She thinks i'm hot and awesome and I think shes hot and awesome - I'm interested

 

I'm not too worried what material any girl would rate me as cause I've got my girl but id still rather be rated as relationship material than just casual sex material in anyone's eyes even if it aint never gonna happen because im settled down or simply because you don't feel likewise about her.

[laurelin]

However, it's not because I lacked attraction to him…on the contrary, I wanted to jump his bones the first time I saw him. But as we got to know each other on our first couple of dates, I realized how much I liked him and how much of a connection I felt with him. And anything less than a committed relationship would have resulted in me being hurt. So, no, I would not have agreed to a casual sex relationship with him, for the sake of my own sanity. I would have inevitably wanted more, leading to pain for me if all he wanted was sex

 

Hidden in this statement, OP, is the flip-side of your "ladder theory" (with the exception of the first rung of paid sex workers). I can't speak for all women, but I think there are enough of them in the dating forums right now that I can make a reasonable projection and say that it takes awhile for women to understand this phenomenon and, in the process, men get the wrong idea about how casual we are about casual sex.

 

When a man shows interest in us, puts in time and effort in paying attention to us, tells us we're special, that he's never met anyone like us, etc., we start to imagine a relationship with this guy. All of a sudden, we've got a "happily ever after" story forming in our heads ("we met at a bar of all places and he just swept me off my feet because he knew I was the one for him"). We don't start looking forward to what's going to happen that night. We start looking forward to what's going to happen tomorrow and next week and the week after that. And, so, what do we do? We make an investment that, we think, might tip the scale even further in our direction (making us the most awesome of awesome chicks) and we sleep with him.

Then, he disappears.

 

This causes women pain. Not only are our feelings hurt and hopes dashed, but we've been tricked and betrayed. This is a huge hit on our self-esteem and, unless we figure out that giving into sex too early was the cause of the betrayal, we're going to go out and get attached to the next guy who boosts our confidence and the whole scenario will happen again...and again and again.

 

Kiss_andmakeup got it right. She felt the attraction. She recognized her fiance-to-be's interest and she realized that she didn't want risk the pain of his rejection by having sex with him too early. It didn't have anything to do with his experience level or his 'game'. She wasn't settling or giving up casual sex. She saw value in him (not monetary value, but value as a compatible human being) and she didn't want to risk losing him (and feeling extreme pain) by overlooking her own value as a compatible human being for him.

 

By working your "ladder theory", you are preying on women who have already been hurt. You are committing yourself to causing them more pain for the sake of your own gratification and boost in self-worth. And, what's worse, you're doing it consciously.