gsoto Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year and 3 months. We recently broke up and she's been avoiding me. She texted me one night asking if I could come over, so when I got there she started breaking down. She apologized for being mean and avoiding me. She tried to convince me to get back with her but I told her to give me time. I love her a lot and sometimes I feel like she does. She recently told me that she slept with someone else and told me to promise her, not to tell anyone. I felt like ****. She told me it was her friend. After I heard what she told me, I had stormed out of the house and she then called me while I was driving home and told me that it was just a joke. She told me that she was just kidding. I've caught my girlfriend lie to me before. Point is, that she has told me lies throughout our relationship and I can't tell what true or false. I love her a lot to try to get her back. Nobody cares about her more than I do. She used to cut herself and I would be the only one confronting her. I feel like she needs someone there for her. She has a lot of flaws but I still love her. Should I give up or try? Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 "Point is, that she has told me lies throughout our relationship" Read this out loud. Now again....keep going. So do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that lies to you? Seriously, would you really stay friends with a buddy if they always lied to you? If a guy friend came to you with the same scenario, would you really tell them to keep trying? I don't know who broke up with who but to tell you she slept with someone and then say it is a joke is beyond screwed up. What person who gave 2 cents about you would go there. You can love her. We are all guilty of loving stupidly. But don't stay. She has serious issues. They are hers, not yours. You staying will only enable because you will be a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 She's immature and too stupid to cover up lies. Spreads drama wherever she goes. Go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 (edited) She recently told me that she slept with someone else... she then called me while I was driving home and told me that it was just a joke. she has told me lies throughout our relationship and I can't tell what true or false. She used to cut herself and I would be the only one confronting her. I feel like she needs someone there for her. She has a lot of flaws but I still love her. Should I give up or try? She has classic symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Look it up and confirm whether or not she fits the profile. Cutting is huge––it's the one symptom that is almost definitive in and of itself. People who attach to borderlines and can't let go are termed codependents (that would be you). The way this dynamic play out, assuming you stay together, is that you give up your any shot at happiness and dedicate your life to trying to keep her equilibrated. And that's an impossible task. She will hold you responsible for her state of mind, as I'm sure she already does, so when she is miserable it's automatically your fault and you're a bad person. You're always good or bad––there is no realistic image of people having both good and bad qualities at the same time, etc. because she has only the on/off, black and white conceptualization of others (especially intimate partners). All of this only applies if it is indeed BPD, but as I said, cutting is nearly definitive for this diagnosis. What you need to understand is that you CANNOT FIX HER, and you need to work on yourself and try to understand why you don't feel you deserve to be treated well, loved, cherished, respected. It's sad. The pain and attachments are real, but it's a disaster in the making. The answer is to let her go and work on yourself (therapy). Of course you could suggest therapy to her but she's probably resistant and even if she started chances are she wouldn't stay with it long enough to do her much good. All you can really do is save yourself from the miserable existence of being attached to a borderline (assuming that's what it is). Since she opened the door and showed you the exit... take it. Edited July 12, 2014 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 No rational person tells their EX-BF who they are allegedly trying to get back together with that they slept with somebody else & then says ha ha I was just kidding. It's nice that you love her but it's not healthy. If she's cutting she needs genuine medical care from a doctor. Her avoiding you, her stupid "joke" which probably was the truth until you got mad, & the cutting all add up to a person who is not ready to be in a mature stable relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Gsoto, please listen to Sal. He is very knowledgeable about BPD warning signs. He is correct that many studies have found a very strong association between cutting and BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concludes:Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See Journal of Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. I suggest you look at my list of major red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of BPD warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to join Sal in discussing them with you. Take care, Gsoto. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 After I heard what she told me, I had stormed out of the house and she then called me while I was driving home and told me that it was just a joke. She told me that she was just kidding. I think on that alone I would leave her to her own devices. She was not Kidding...she screwed her friend and then told you so with the intention of hurting you. The Curb...find the nearest one and kick her to it. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Ruuuuunnn forest ruuuuunnnn!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Sorry man, but she's just not that into you. She wasn't joking about sleeping with another guy. Does that sound funny to you? Of course not. Don't be a martyr for someone who's using you to stroke her ego. So not worth it - there are plenty of higher-quality girls out there for you. She isn't one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gsoto Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Before she told me that she slept with her friend, I had told her that I slept with someone else when I went camping and she got kinda sad. I didn't sleep with another girl. I told her that to see if she would tell me if she slept with someone too. Reverse sociology, I guess. She then told me that she slept with her friend. We I left her house, she didn't say anything while I left and she calls me when I'm on my way home to JUST tell me that she was kidding. I feel like she said that because I said that. I'm not so sure but I just have a bad feeling in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 And you get a -1 for lying and playing a very stupid game. How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Go to a shoe store. Get a nice pair of trainers. Put them on. Lace them up. Then start running. Run forest run!! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 gsoto You two deserve each other then with the lying, the testing etc. And it's reverse psychology not sociology. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gsoto Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Sorry but I can't take my life decisions from a bunch of strangers I'm must of been pretty ****ing stoned. Later bitches Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Sorry but I can't take my life decisions from a bunch of strangers I'm must of been pretty ****ing stoned. Later bitches Using the logical advice that you got here is smarter than what you have been doing. Based on this post I'm sure you are going to get back together with her. You two will continue to destroy each other emotionally but it's your choice. Be careful because somebody is going to get very hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Sorry but I can't take my life decisions from a bunch of strangers I'm must of been pretty ****ing stoned. Later bitches Sorry we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear....get used to it, Life is full of people not telling you what you want to hear, I m sure you'll figure that out once you get out of Junior High... Link to post Share on other sites
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