Is he scared?

[More Confused]

I was with a guy for 10 months and he told me he wanted to start seeing other people in December. Since then he has continued to call me and invite me to do things with him including going to movies, dinner and just hanging out with him. Could it be that he was scared of getting too close too fast? Why would a guy who is wanting to date other people continue to call me when he can start another relationship?

 

We had a great relationship. We enjoyed being with each other and never argued. We said when we first met that it was like we knew each other forever. He began distancing himself from me and I think part of the reason was because of his friends and also his fear of commitment.

 

Everyone tells me to tell him to stop calling me because it is very difficult for me because I still care about him and hold hopes of us getting back together. Is it possible that in time if I distance myself from him that he could realize what we had together and start coming around again? I know I have to get on with my life and start getting busy doing things to keep my mind occupied.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle him?

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

A lot of things could be happening here.

 

He could be wanting to do things with you until he finds somebody else...but I don't think that's the case.

 

It could be that he already realizes he made a mistake and wants to sort of slowly get back with you.

 

It could be he feels a lot better about things now that the pressure of a formal relationship is off. He can be more relaxed around you and enjoy himself more.

 

And, yes, he could very well have been scared of getting too close...that's why he may feel lots better with a more informal dating relationship.

 

I think you ought to hang in there and make him see that he can be relaxed and be himself around you. If you really care about the guy, it could be a very short time before things are back where they were without either of you realizing it.

 

From the way you describe it, the two of you are still pretty much together. Now, if in a reasonable amount of time things don't get back to an official status, then you'll have to talk to him about it. If you are insisting on an official relationship and he doesn't want that, then...yes...you need to stop calling him and move on with your life.

 

But give it just a little bit more time.

[cass]

Hi - This is a quick response. I am agreeing with Tony on this one.

 

Give him time, I don't think he's messing you around and if you give him space he must realise what you had together was too good to throw away. I think guys do get scared when they get close to someone, especially when they think they are not ready for that emotionally. They just get confused of how they feel. Women too, so if guys are reading this don't get all defensive - lol.

 

I would try not to call him as often (not sure how often you did this anyway), and don't put pressure on him, unless he behaves badly towards you and says he will see you then doesn't show or behaviour like that.

 

Good luck

[More Confused]

Actually Cass, he is the one who is calling me on a regular basis. He calls me anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week and we generally get together at least once a week because he asks me to come over to talk or whatever. There is no physical part of this relationship right now. The only other thing that confuses me is that he said that he doesn't have the feelings for me that he thinks he should have by now. So, again, am I wasting my time hoping that he comes around? I obviously know that he has not gone out on any other dates since he calls me to do things.

 

He was sick the other week and I went over to his house to make him dinner and I suggested that he go to bed after dinner since he wasn't feeling well. I carried some stuff up to his bedroom and I laid on his bed awhile and we talked a little. He asked if I was going to crash there that night and I said I didn't know. He then said that he wished that I would, so I did. I just think he still has feelings for me or he wouldn't ask me to do such things since like I said it isn't that we are having a physical relationship.

 

Guys...please tell me what all this means. I was not demanding on our relationship. He did however know that I really cared about him and he wasn't sure if he was at the same place as me which I told him was ok...because we all move at a different pace and we all develop feelings for others at a different pace. So any other advice would be greatly appreciated.

[cass]

Hi

 

Yes he definetely wants you in his life and I am sure is not messing you around. The fact that you haven't got a physical relationship means that he cares in some way. At least you know he's not there for that only.

 

Has he mentioned the physical side? Do you want that? Does he? Does he mean he doesn't feel how he should because he doesn't want that side of things yet - maybe he's inexperienced in that way. As you said you care for him (don't know if you said the love word), this may have rushed things for him and thinks he should say it back (but you did understand that he doesn't need to do that and told him this). He probably cares a lot but just doesn't realise he does. The fact that he wanted you to stay that night means something.

 

I would still continue to be friends etc. If you really want him and you want him to want you, maybe you could play hard to get for a bit. I don't mean be rude to him but when he rings maybe you could just be pleased to hear from him but say you must go as you're going out or something. Maybe if you are always available to talk, to stay over (that once when you did) he might not realise his feelings. Apparently (and this is what I have read), if a man has space to be on his own and the woman isn't available every time or plays a bit mysterious he then may realise that he does want her and care for her. Something to do with men fearing commitment, but in order for them to realise their true feelings and feel close they need to step back and have time to think about what they feel. Like I said this is what I have read in many books based on relationships and men.

[Need advice]

Thanks again Cass. We discussed the physical side of the relationship a few months ago and he said that he didn't think it was fair to me to lead me on if he doesn't have the same feelings for me as I do for him and that is why the physical part of our relationship stopped. I did tell him that I loved him and I told him that I understood if he wasn't at that point yet. I have been in several other longer term relationships and this just felt right from the beginning and that is why I knew how I felt. It is just very hard waiting to see if it is truly me who he wants or if he is just keeping me there for him until he finds someone else. He knows how I feel about him. I wish I could turn my feelings off for him but I can't.

 

It is hard for me to tell him that I am busy, but I know that is what I have to do because I am too available for him. Thanks for your advice!!