My wife no longer loves me, can my marriage be saved?

[sadandmad]

I have been married for 21 years and found out recently my wife no longer loves me. I'm deeply heartbroken, confused, and angry. We have 2 children in middle school and my wife is not kicking me out or filing for divorce because she doesn't want her feelings (lack of) to disrupt our childrens lives. I agree. However, I'm having a very difficult time dealing with the realization of this loss. Please help me.

 

There are many factors contributing to my situation. I believe now our problems really started about 11 years with the birth of our 2nd child. I felt my wife starting to withdraw from me and become more independant. It began to affect how I communicated with her. I love my children dearly and in no way blame them. Except for a few years when my wife quit her work to start her own business she maintained the higher income. I have lost my job three times over the years we've been married. It has put a strain on our finances. My wife told me she feels cheated that after all these years she is not any better off financially. She blames me because I did not go back to school to obtain a bachelors degree and a more stable job. My jobs have been good (40k to 65k/year) but not stable, and I have been out of work for aproximately (3-4) years (total) over the course of our marriage. I agree she deserves better and I could have been more productive but, I'm very active in my childrens lives and their extra-curricullar activites. Being a part of their lives in lieu of obtaining my degree was more a priority of mine. So in that respect I was lax in obtaining a more secure future and job situation with regard to my wife and our future together. I have been a good father and do not have "posse" that I hang with, so I'm home every night. I'm a very touchy-feely family oriented person whereas my wife raised by her grandparents because her parents split and left (in our 21 years together we have seen her mother once and seen her father only a few times), is not a very affectionate person. I kiss my children often and need affection in return for reassurance and personal happiness and fullfillment. I have tried to be this way with my wife over the years but she is completely opposite in that respect. She seems to need very little or no affection in her relationship. She does not take to being pampered and doted over. When I mentioned to her that she did not know how to love or be loved she commented, "I know how to love our kids"! Thats great for them (seriously), but when your married your spouse needs love also. Our fights (for my part) have almost always been precipitated by the fact I have felt she doesn't show or display any love or affection for me. I told her once she was like being married to a "keepsake". You can't really do anything with her but she is nice to look at. I want more. It has angered me to the point where at worst I resorted to lashing out and telling her I don't love her and I'm only with her for the kids sake. I realize how hurtful this must have been for her but deep down I was hoping to invoke some sort of response that would reassure me she didn't want me to leave. She would only hold it in and use it to build layers of resentment toward me. This allowed her to draw away from me. All the while she would act like nothing was wrong. Over the years she could go months not speaking to me with seemingly no problems. I was always the one to break the silence in hopes of bettering the relationship. To no avail. The last argument we had was a real stunner. It was her this time that turned the tables and she told me she did not love me. I knew she meant it. While I always loved her and was hoping for a reassuring response, I could tell she was telling the truth. She has since confirmed that. I do not believe she is having an affair. There are no classic signs of that activity, although she may secretly have feelings for another. I have always been able to draw on my deepest feelings for her and bring my true love for her to the surface. Even when I questioned my love for her I would convince myself that she was my true love. I believe she is and am devastated at the thought I will not live my life to completion with her by my side. I am also as attracted to her today as I was the 1st moment I saw her when I told my friend "I'm going to marry that girl".

 

So, my question is this; should I let go of my feelings for her or continue to hold out hope? Should I continue to tell her I love her and hug her as I do daily or should I just let it go? We may be together for the kids sake for another 6 years or so, until they are both out of high school. I have practical issues to deal with that bring up other questions. If I do move on, how should I handle my finances? I recently enrolled in school to obtain my degree. Since I lost my job a year and a half ago and was not able to find work, it became an only option. However, recently did get a new job for a large reputable world-wide company and am in line for a supervisor position. I cannot yet afford to move out and I'm not sure she wants me to, nor do I. I provide conveniences for her in regard to raising the kids. I also help out around the house so while I'm a financial drain (presently) I do have some worth to her. I am a proud and fun person. I know other women find me attractive as they have told me. I can move on but don't want to. I love my wife. But, I need to consider the management of my presonal finance options my new job will provide me, such as, employee stock options and 401k. Knowing that divorce is almost certain in my future how should I manage my finances now? I do not want to rock the boat in case we can mend our broken relationship. Also, until I can get some savings built up I am financially dependant on her. I can't afford an attorney or professional help yet. I'm stuck and she is too. Any advice and suggestions would be appreciated.

 

thanks,

sadandmad

[Kristine]

Can you talk her into marriage counseling? I really think it would be a good idea for you two. This could possible recreate the lost feelings, and resolve whatever issues began the breakdown. It's good that she hasn't filed or left you. So use this to your advantage. You can also checkout <URL removed> for some ideas.

[Barby]

OKay I won't lie...I didn't get through your whole thread because it was so long.....BUT honestly what I got from skimming through was that she is no longer in love with you. She feels cheated because you didn't "raise" her up financially, ect. You want to know if you should hold onto your feelings for her and hold onto hope.....................

 

 

Honestly I think the best thing for you to do is accept that it's probably over and work on moving on (emotionally). I'm sorry if I skipped something of course but from what I did get...I think for your own sake accepting that the love is no longer there would be best.

 

 

 

 

THEN again if she would go to therapy...maybe it could be saved?!?!