Emotional Abuse: I don't even know who I am anymore

[bambiwboone]

In my adult years I had never been in a abusive relationship. I was blessed enough to have only men who truly cares, respected, and looked out for me.

Until I met him.

 

 

I have no idea how this man has such control over my thought process. He comes into my life like a hurricane and is gone as fast as he comes. When he leaves he is very verbally cruel. I have heard it all really, "go f yourself you sick b word." "you are ugly as **** I could never want you." "you are crazy c word and manipulative" " I was just using you for someone to talk to" . Really cruel mean things!! I'm not saying I haven't got angry and said some things. But he does this...then disappears for a few months then comes strolling back in. AND I LET HIM!

 

 

He is so good at what he does. Sometimes I do feel like it is my fault and I deserve it! He is going through allot and I understand that. I also understand that when you are angry sometimes you say bad things and regret saying them. But if he truly regretted it why does he keep saying this stuff over and over? Then he kisses my but. Tells me he misses me so much. How sorry he was for treating me the way he did. How he thinks of himself as a peace of ****. And how sometimes he wants to end his life completely ( this worries me for him:()

 

 

The last verbal argument I lost it. I drank a half a bottle of tequila and took a bottle of sleeping pills. I have stopped drinking since, but that is whole different demon of mine. He knew I did this but left me on the floor and went home. The next day I woke up in a puddle of vomit in the middle of my bedroom. (I haven't drank since.) He messaged me early saying "HELLO". When I answered he went on to talk about himself. Told me I was dumb, which I was for doing that.

We are at a no contact point once again. This time I'm a mess. I miss him so much. He is so troubled . I wish I could help him

Does this sound like abuse or just a terrible relationship? Everyone tells me I should never speak to him again. How abusive he is....IDK:(

[Jewels7]

Definitely verbally abusive. And yes you miss him like crazy and it hurts so much. I feel the same way about my ex. The only way to get free of him is to do everything in your power to go NC. Trust me it's hard as hell but you deserve better. And you know he won't change. At his age he had proven that. I'm here if you ever need to talk I'm here.

[kolleamm]

In my adult years I had never been in a abusive relationship. I was blessed enough to have only men who truly cares, respected, and looked out for me.

Until I met him.

 

 

I have no idea how this man has such control over my thought process. He comes into my life like a hurricane and is gone as fast as he comes. When he leaves he is very verbally cruel. I have heard it all really, "go f yourself you sick b word." "you are ugly as **** I could never want you." "you are crazy c word and manipulative" " I was just using you for someone to talk to" . Really cruel mean things!! I'm not saying I haven't got angry and said some things. But he does this...then disappears for a few months then comes strolling back in. AND I LET HIM!

 

 

He is so good at what he does. Sometimes I do feel like it is my fault and I deserve it! He is going through allot and I understand that. I also understand that when you are angry sometimes you say bad things and regret saying them. But if he truly regretted it why does he keep saying this stuff over and over? Then he kisses my but. Tells me he misses me so much. How sorry he was for treating me the way he did. How he thinks of himself as a peace of ****. And how sometimes he wants to end his life completely ( this worries me for him:()

 

 

The last verbal argument I lost it. I drank a half a bottle of tequila and took a bottle of sleeping pills. I have stopped drinking since, but that is whole different demon of mine. He knew I did this but left me on the floor and went home. The next day I woke up in a puddle of vomit in the middle of my bedroom. (I haven't drank since.) He messaged me early saying "HELLO". When I answered he went on to talk about himself. Told me I was dumb, which I was for doing that.

We are at a no contact point once again. This time I'm a mess. I miss him so much. He is so troubled . I wish I could help him

Does this sound like abuse or just a terrible relationship? Everyone tells me I should never speak to him again. How abusive he is....IDK:(

 

What do you mean you "miss" him? How can you stand being treated like that? Do you get joy out of it?

 

IGNORE THIS GUY FOREVER

[sugarlove]

In my adult years I had never been in a abusive relationship. I was blessed enough to have only men who truly cares, respected, and looked out for me.

Until I met him.

 

 

I have no idea how this man has such control over my thought process. He comes into my life like a hurricane and is gone as fast as he comes. When he leaves he is very verbally cruel. I have heard it all really, "go f yourself you sick b word." "you are ugly as **** I could never want you." "you are crazy c word and manipulative" " I was just using you for someone to talk to" . Really cruel mean things!! I'm not saying I haven't got angry and said some things. But he does this...then disappears for a few months then comes strolling back in. AND I LET HIM!

 

 

He is so good at what he does. Sometimes I do feel like it is my fault and I deserve it! He is going through allot and I understand that. I also understand that when you are angry sometimes you say bad things and regret saying them. But if he truly regretted it why does he keep saying this stuff over and over? Then he kisses my but. Tells me he misses me so much. How sorry he was for treating me the way he did. How he thinks of himself as a peace of ****. And how sometimes he wants to end his life completely ( this worries me for him:()

 

 

The last verbal argument I lost it. I drank a half a bottle of tequila and took a bottle of sleeping pills. I have stopped drinking since, but that is whole different demon of mine. He knew I did this but left me on the floor and went home. The next day I woke up in a puddle of vomit in the middle of my bedroom. (I haven't drank since.) He messaged me early saying "HELLO". When I answered he went on to talk about himself. Told me I was dumb, which I was for doing that.

We are at a no contact point once again. This time I'm a mess. I miss him so much. He is so troubled . I wish I could help him

Does this sound like abuse or just a terrible relationship? Everyone tells me I should never speak to him again. How abusive he is....IDK:(

 

hey love, I understand what you mean.. your last paragraph is hauntingly like what I did about 5 years ago. It got so bad that I felt I completely went out of control, felt he didn't care, wanted attention, wanted him to see what he did to me, want to see if he will show any sign of a normal human response.

 

No. NOthing. He just walked away. And yes, called me everything under the sun.

 

I understand how you feel and feel so much sadness for you. Darling girl, you can't help this man. He is completely into himself, he doesn't care about you and if you don't end up in the hospital one day, count your lucky stars. Please understand that abuse goes both way, one who does it and one who condones it.

 

Now, pick yourself up and tell yourself you are lucky you felt something is wrong, and haven't lost all of your emotions and common sense yet. If you are living with him, pack your things, find a friend to stay with and go, run as far as you can. Because if you don't, he will make you insane. He will make you wish you are dead and then sad because you realised that even if you died, he won't know it's due to him. Your life is precious and have the potential to be beautiful without him. Trust me.

 

You can't help him. They don't change, they just go to their next victim.

Edited July 13, 2014 by sugarlove

[spiderowl]

Look up 'cycle of abuse' which describes his behaviour very well.

 

The mixture of nice, endearing, harsh, cruel, and yet childlike behaviour can end up leaving you utterly confused and torn. It's easy for people on the outside to see the bad and say 'leave him'. But you see the child in him. However, showing his vulnerable side is his way of keeping you in a damaging relationship. He knows he can appeal to that in you and you'll melt and decide the bad behaviour was maybe understandable. The push/pull of mixed emotions is very hard to resist, but if you want to survive and recover, you need to see how it is keeping you in a terrible relationship.

 

Try talking to others, like women's aid refuges and so on, and see if they can help you to understand your mixed feelings and maybe work through them to the point where you know what is and isn't acceptable.

[travelbug1996]

its called a 'trauma bond". You may want to research it to see if you can identify. I have been in an abusive r before but stayed for other reason besides being drawn to him.

 

You wanna get to the bottom of why you have such a need for high drama. This is about helping you heal, not him. You can't help him.

 

Please contact the domestic abuse hotline.

Edited July 14, 2014 by travelbug1996

[todreaminblue]

i cant take a really high level of abuse .....part of the time i know the people doling it out it isnt them its their addiction feeding them ways to abuse me.....its demons of drink drugs and gambolling....doesnt mean i would ever get back into an intimate relationship with them ...they lost that when they begin to abuse me.....

 

 

 

 

i try and help them and i dont give up on people...i have an ex staying with me but his time to go will come....i would never be in a relationship with him again ever ...we broke up over two decades ago......

 

 

 

 

i will not be with an abusive man ever again......not in any intimate way ...i will try and help them though.....but not more than i help others who are good and kind and need a hand....and he isnt top priority when i am in a relationship with another......the person i am with is......

 

 

 

 

my ex,he is actually getting better and it seems with volunteer work this is happening, i will know the time when it is time for him to stand alone.....i pray a lot and i entrust god to guide me with him...he isnt a bad person and he has actually helped many he has a generous heart and woudl put himsefl in the line fo fire for a stranger and has......so he isnt all bad ....his addictions and the demons with in control him often though...i am working on that by eliminating suppliers.....whether he changes for good or not...i could never be with him again...i dont walk backwards and i dont do my relationships backwards...i can only move on......too much damage was done while i was with him.and i wont go backwards i refuse too....

 

 

 

i have grown in so many ways...he has known and seen me date others...they know about him and meet him......he also has dated others...i feel nothing but compassion for him....thats it...maybe a sense of duty ....to a fallen brother sort of feeling.......i feel nothing intimate......he is more like a family member and i do see the child in him..i am not attracted to children or boys for that matter....i am attracted to men who stand up for themselves who can go the hard yards......... other than to help them thats what i do with boys..................deb

Edited July 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[bambiwboone]

Thank you so !! I appreciate you taking time:)

Definitely verbally abusive. And yes you miss him like crazy and it hurts so much. I feel the same way about my ex. The only way to get free of him is to do everything in your power to go NC. Trust me it's hard as hell but you deserve better. And you know he won't change. At his age he had proven that. I'm here if you ever need to talk I'm here.

[Zahara]

He is so troubled . I wish I could help him

Does this sound like abuse or just a terrible relationship? Everyone tells me I should never speak to him again. How abusive he is....IDK:(

 

YOU are very troubled. YOU need help. There is something very dysfunctional and damaged with they way you have behave and they way you perceive right from wrong. You can't "help" someone when you're as damaged as he is. You're so broken that you miss abuse. Listen to what you are saying -- you miss him -- no -- you miss the toxic abuse you have conditioned yourself to accept.

 

You had relationships that forstered love, respect and care. So you know the difference. And who cares if it's abusive or not, it's wrong and it's something no one should tolerate or deserve. You know this.

 

Yes, it is abuse. Yes, he is abusive.

 

And yes, you should never speak to him again and start strict NC. If you want to continue the cycle and keep feeling this way, then keep breaking contact. If you want things to change, do something different.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Zahara

[bathtub-row]

It's a trick of the human mind. When we're abused, we latch on to the abuser. It's a really messed up survival mechanism.

 

Here's what I recommend. Read the book "Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft explains abuse like no one else. It's a real eye-opener.

 

Once your eyes are opened, it will be hard to continue on with this nonsensical, twisted relationship and you'll find your true self again someday. If you don't do something, you're going to get pulled deeper and deeper into that black void. When a relationship causes you to forget who you are, it doesn't matter who's fault it is (it's not your fault, but you don't believe that), it only matters that you get yourself free from this unholy mess.

 

Love and hugs.

[bathtub-row]

hey love, I understand what you mean.. your last paragraph is hauntingly like what I did about 5 years ago. It got so bad that I felt I completely went out of control, felt he didn't care, wanted attention, wanted him to see what he did to me, want to see if he will show any sign of a normal human response.

 

No. NOthing. He just walked away. And yes, called me everything under the sun.

 

I understand how you feel and feel so much sadness for you. Darling girl, you can't help this man. He is completely into himself, he doesn't care about you and if you don't end up in the hospital one day, count your lucky stars. Please understand that abuse goes both way, one who does it and one who condones it.

 

Now, pick yourself up and tell yourself you are lucky you felt something is wrong, and haven't lost all of your emotions and common sense yet. If you are living with him, pack your things, find a friend to stay with and go, run as far as you can. Because if you don't, he will make you insane. He will make you wish you are dead and then sad because you realised that even if you died, he won't know it's due to him. Your life is precious and have the potential to be beautiful without him. Trust me.

 

You can't help him. They don't change, they just go to their next victim.

 

Amen to this. If you don't stand in front of the fist, you won't get hit.

[amaysngrace]

He's a dick and you're a fool to think he will change or is sorry for treating you so badly.

 

You've already tried to kill yourself over him. You need help.

 

Nobody in their right mind would tolerate this treatment from another human being willingly. Please get help.

[Georgia2014]

In my adult years I had never been in a abusive relationship. I was blessed enough to have only men who truly cares, respected, and looked out for me.

Until I met him.

 

 

I have no idea how this man has such control over my thought process. He comes into my life like a hurricane and is gone as fast as he comes. When he leaves he is very verbally cruel. I have heard it all really, "go f yourself you sick b word." "you are ugly as **** I could never want you." "you are crazy c word and manipulative" " I was just using you for someone to talk to" . Really cruel mean things!! I'm not saying I haven't got angry and said some things. But he does this...then disappears for a few months then comes strolling back in. AND I LET HIM!

 

 

He is so good at what he does. Sometimes I do feel like it is my fault and I deserve it! He is going through allot and I understand that. I also understand that when you are angry sometimes you say bad things and regret saying them. But if he truly regretted it why does he keep saying this stuff over and over? Then he kisses my but. Tells me he misses me so much. How sorry he was for treating me the way he did. How he thinks of himself as a peace of ****. And how sometimes he wants to end his life completely ( this worries me for him:()

 

 

The last verbal argument I lost it. I drank a half a bottle of tequila and took a bottle of sleeping pills. I have stopped drinking since, but that is whole different demon of mine. He knew I did this but left me on the floor and went home. The next day I woke up in a puddle of vomit in the middle of my bedroom. (I haven't drank since.) He messaged me early saying "HELLO". When I answered he went on to talk about himself. Told me I was dumb, which I was for doing that.

We are at a no contact point once again. This time I'm a mess. I miss him so much. He is so troubled . I wish I could help him

Does this sound like abuse or just a terrible relationship? Everyone tells me I should never speak to him again. How abusive he is....IDK:(

 

That is abuse. I've been in abusive relationships. He is controlling and abusive. You need to block his number and if you have to get a restraining order. So far I've been lucky and have never had to get a restraining order but I only think that is because I am related to police officers.

[bathtub-row]

Bambi, how are you doing? Just wanted to check up on you.