Moving away from your home for love, would U do it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Granted, a 4.5 year LDR isn't exactly the same as a 4.5 year LTR with someone in your home town. But at the same time, if the guy has been faithful to you for that long given the distance (and you have been to him) then that shows a hell of a commitment.

well TANBARK813, it is hard enough to ascertain if your SO is being faithful when they live in the same city. It is even harder to ascertain when they live 1500 miles away.

 

 

Long-distance does not dictate ultimate failure, nor does close proximity guarantee success. At this point it looks like it depends on how much you're willing to risk.

 

agreed. it's about probability. as long as she goes into this knowing it is risky that is fine. If she was five or six yrs older I would say go for it. But she's only 22.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by alphamale

well TANBARK813, it is hard enough to ascertain if your SO is being faithful when they live in the same city. It is even harder to ascertain when they live 1500 miles away.

 

I don't know man, I haven't had too much trouble finding out.

 

 

Originally posted by alphamale

agreed. it's about probability. as long as she goes into this knowing it is risky that is fine. If she was five or six yrs older I would say go for it. But she's only 22.

 

True.

[Solana]

Hi all,

 

This is a decision that only you can make for yourself. You need to weigh your options and do some soul searching. Is this guy *really* what you want? Is he *really* important enough for you to move away?

 

I'm doing something similar right now.... I'm a Minnesotan living in Vermont, and I'm literally moving to Texas TOMORROW to be closer to my long-distance boyfriend. True, we haven't had nearly as much face time as couples usually do when they take this step. But that is the whole point- we want to take things to the next level and see where it goes.

 

A few thoughts:

 

1. Find yourself a job prior to moving if at all possible. This will at least give you some financial independence and flexibility.

 

2. Live in your own residence for at least a couple months when you move there. Get to know him like you would any other guy you are dating (in the same town) before moving in together. LDR to living together would be an extremely difficult adjustment, I think.

 

3. Have a sense of adventure about it, but go into it with the knowledge that a) it might not work out and b) if it doesn't, it *isn't* the end of the world.

 

One key difference in my case is that my bf offered to move as well and gave me the choice. I chose to move to him, rather than vice versa, because he was pretty well-established in his location and had a good job. There were also good job prospects for me in his area, so it made more sense for me to move. The fact that your bf is completely refusing to offer you the same courtesy (at least *considering* moving himself) definitely says something about him. I mean, even if he moves to Canada to get to know you better it isn't necessarily a permanent move.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Solana.

[Lil Honey]

Some good tips, Solana.

 

Originally posted by Solana

The fact that your bf is completely refusing to offer you the same courtesy (at least *considering* moving himself) definitely says something about him.

 

Exactly. Like I said, she needs to take into serious consideration the "problem" that HE got HIMself into. Is he going to keep making the same mistake? Is she going to have to bail him out of whatever the issue is?

 

I have found that far too many young people are too trusting, and since the poster has been "attached" to him for so long at such a long age, I can only hope that she sees red flags waving when they are there and doesn't dismiss them.

 

Sure, running off to "live life" is romantic and all that (as some have suggested), but I feel that throwing caution to the wind isn't the way to go . . .

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

Sure, running off to "live life" is romantic and all that (as some have suggested), but I feel that throwing caution to the wind isn't the way to go . . .

 

yes LILHONEY, there is a reason why most people end up living within 10 miles of where they grew up. Family and friends is the reason.

[blind_otter]

I'm like psychotically close to my family. So no, I don't think I would move. Great if he wants to move where I am. But no way if I have to leave my mum and dad, miss my nieces and nephews growing up - I guess it really comes down to what your personal values are, and what has more weight on your priority list.

 

My mum moved to the US from Vietnam....but it was a HARD, difficult, loooooong transition for her and she just started having babies to have something to get attached to, and also she wasn't very close with her own family in Saigon.

 

To leave my family would probably kill me. I would spiral into a dark depression that no one could move me from. But that's me. You have to know enough about yourself, your needs, and your personal limitations BEFORE you make this decision.

 

I mean. You've been with this guy since you were 17 1/2, that's young to get into an LTR that's also an LDR! You do have a lot more room to make mistakes and learn from them, though. In the end, it's up to you. Good luck.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

So no, I don't think I would move. Great if he wants to move where I am.

 

i'll move to where u are baby

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

i'll move to where u are baby

 

Brrrrrring it!

 

Topless mud wrestling, my place, tomorrow night.

 

[greenlove]

You guys gave me a lot to think about but in the end it is my choice. I’m not a big risk taker (I plan everything) that why I have my doubts. I do feel that we know each other strengths and weakness and are truly committed and devoted to each other. In the end love is worth taking a chance at.

 

I asked this question b/c we had “the talk” the other day. Not that we haven’t talked about it on numerous occasions but it was more serious then ever before. He wanted to know if I would move to the states while he faces 3 years of probation and time in alternative housing cell for a car accident he had over a year ago while intoxicated. No one was hurt Thank God but he left the seen of the accident and is getting punished harshly for it.

 

He claims he can’t move to Canada while he’s on probation so I would probably have too. He can’t wait to be with me another 3 years and wanted to know if I would move b/c we had always assumed he would end up in Canada.

 

I told him that I would move but I want to plan things out and feel secure financially before moving anywhere.

 

For all of you who have asked I do know this person. He lived in Canada for 1 1/2. I’ve visited him since every summer for 5-6 months with a working visa. We see each other monthly, on holiday, and whenever we get a chance and we’ve been through a lot together.

 

 

The bottom line is do I feel luck? Am I willing to take this risk and lose big time? – I think so.

Nevertheless, I think it will be a year from now before I am set to move.

[prncssfce9]

This may come across as old fashioned, but it is advice my mother gave me and has worked pretty well for me

 

You don't go to them ... let them come to you!! If he really loves you and wants to spend his life with you, he will come to you! There is an old saying ...

"A son is a son until he takes a wife .... a daughter is a daughter is daughter for the rest of their life"

 

I'm not sure what you take from that, but what that means to me is that he should join your family, your life! Not the other way around. What's meant to be will always find a way.

 

P.S. I'm curious as to what these "problems" are he is having that are preventing him from moving? Hope that is not too personal

[moimeme]

yes LILHONEY, there is a reason why most people end up living within 10 miles of where they grew up. Family and friends is the reason.

 

You can make friends wherever you go - with a bonus that you can go visit all the places you used to live and have somebody to stay with

 

This may come across as old fashioned, but it is advice my mother gave me and has worked pretty well for me

 

You don't go to them ... let them come to you!! If he really loves you and wants to spend his life with you, he will come to you! There is an old saying ...

"A son is a son until he takes a wife .... a daughter is a daughter is daughter for the rest of their life"

 

Yep. Those are really old-fashioned. The smart thing to do is both discuss the pros and cons of one or the other moving and then decide who will do it. Greenlove explained why he can't come to Canada even though he planned to. So she'll go try out living someplace else. It's good for a person to do. One of the reasons I moved out of my hometown was precisely because I didn't want to have lived only one place my whole life. The great thing about friends is that if they're good friends, they stay friends throughout your life even when you move far from them.

[prncssfce9]

I do agree with miomme's point about not living in one place for your whole life. I moved away from my family in Florida to come to North Carolina ...(talk about culture shock). My parents are from England, they picked and moved to Canada 26 years leaving their whole behind! It is done all the time but there are consequences!

 

For example ... all my cousins, aunts, uncles and Grandparents live in England ... I've only met most of them 3 times... and haven't seen any of them in 12years!! Leaving a country is a big deal.

 

Plus ... moving is one thing ... but moving for a guy is another .... and that I am totally against! I've seen a lot od people do it ... and I almost did myself ... trust me, it rarely ends well! Make him come to you ... if he can't then you may have to decide what your other options are.

 

Look ... if you REALLY wanted to move to the states you wouldn't have all these fears about it. If you are this scared about it, it's really not a good idea. If you were excited and wanted to come ... I would likely hae a differant opinion ... but you moving would be you doing something you really don't want to do ... and that will end up hurting your realtionship in the long run.

 

Just think about how you really fell ....

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by greenlove

while he faces 3 years of probation and time in alternative housing cell for a car accident he had over a year ago while intoxicated.

What'd I say? THERE ya go . . .

 

No one was hurt Thank God but he left the seen of the accident and is getting punished harshly for it.

GOOD!

 

He can’t wait to be with me another 3 years

HE can't wait . . . but can YOU? His wants and/or motivation may very well be different than yours.

 

feel secure financially before moving anywhere.

Smart!

 

Okay, you said that you are 22. How old is your bf?

 

Has this drinking and driving incident changed his drinking behavior or has he learned nothing? Something to think about.

[prncssfce9]

Me Again ...

 

Personally .. this guy has too many problems for you want to move to him and help him deal with. I'm not sure how these things work in Canada, but probation and an alternative housing facility ... thats a big deal here!!!! Even if you moved here to see more of him, it's likely you won't see much more of him, and what you do see won;t be the quality time you get now .... you need to put some real thought into this .

 

 

BTW what does your family think of this idea??

[Guest]

Originally posted by greenlove

He claims he can’t move to Canada while he’s on probation so I would probably have too.

If your goal is to Live La Vida Loca, then moving in with him is the ticket.

 

Originally posted by greenlove

He can’t wait to be with me another 3 years and wanted to know if I would move b/c we had always assumed he would end up in Canada.

These words are a common code. Decipher the code as thus: I am (or beginning to be) interested in someone else.

 

Originally posted by greenlove

The bottom line is do I feel luck? Am I willing to take this risk and lose big time? – I think so.

Nevertheless, I think it will be a year from now before I am set to move.

As long as you are doing it for yourself and not for him, you will be fine. Else guard your heart.

[moimeme]

For example ... all my cousins, aunts, uncles and Grandparents live in England ... I've only met most of them 3 times... and haven't seen any of them in 12years!! Leaving a country is a big deal.

 

Yes, but it's not across a whole ocean! Plane travel from Canada to the US is usually cheaper than going across the pond.

 

Look ... if you REALLY wanted to move to the states you wouldn't have all these fears about it. If you are this scared about it, it's really not a good idea.

 

I so disagree. People need to be cautious when making these moves. She's doing the exactly right thing by looking out for potentially negative consequences and trying to plan for how to deal with them IMHO.

 

Heck, first time I visited Europe, I was scared to bits but I went and loved it. Didn't mean I didn't want to go!

[Baby]

yeah movin away to a foreign land is enticin as well as exciting and also fear all at the same time..all changes causes some degree of fears in us. but passin it all up, there will always be the "what if" later in life. We all want things to work but we also need to learn to take challenge that come thrown our way...opportunity knocks once. of cuz not without weighin first the good vs the bad.

[prncssfce9]

I just want to make my point clear ... I am not against her moving away from her family ... or even moving to America. I only question the motivation! Moving for a guy is a bad idea period! Moving is not .... Just make sure you doing this for you, not for him not even for both of you.

 

Trust me on this one.... I've been there.

[moimeme]

Trust me on this one.... I've been there.

 

But just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it won't for anyone else. She's moving for an entirely different fellow who may be nothing like the guy you moved for.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by greenlove

He wanted to know if I would move to the states while he faces 3 years of probation and time in alternative housing cell for a car accident he had over a year ago while intoxicated. No one was hurt Thank God but he left the seen of the accident and is getting punished harshly for it.

 

He claims he can’t move to Canada while he’s on probation so I would probably have too. He can’t wait to be with me another 3 years and wanted to know if I would move b/c we had always assumed he would end up in Canada.

 

I dunno. Maybe my past experience colors my judgement. But one of my dealbreakers is if the guy is having/has had encounters with the law. It just says something about them as a person, who they are and why they do the things they do....I've been involved with several men who had had or were experiencing legal ramifications from bad decisions, and not all were bad, but all had a lot of growing up to do. Even my exH, bless his heart, he was a sweetie who was sent to prison for growing pot, which I don't think is wrong, but there are a whole host of difficulties that go along with DEALING with the legal ramifications that take a lot of inner strength on his part, and a potential parter's part, and for many....in the end it can be too much to deal with.

 

Even when the guy is on probation or house arrest.

 

When I was younger I thought I would really want to get out of this town and see the rest of the world. I still want to, but for me, being around my family and the town I grew up in is a priority - I don't judge others because they chose to move away from their families. Hey, whatever tickles your pickle.

 

I just hope Greenlove really thinks about the ramifications of not only moving from her family, friends, and support structure, but also the fact that her honey will probably not have the emotional energy to help her out and be HER support when she's lonely, because dealing with legal crap on a weekly basis and being on house arrest/work release/halfway house/alternative housing - is a big stress on him. I've been there, done that, it is stressful, it causes arguments in and of itself.

 

Your life gets restricted when your partner is on probation, not to the extent that his is - but you can't go out of the county without permission, sometimes his license is revoked and you have to drive him everywhere, you can't go on trips, can't bring him to hang with your fam when you visit, can't go out and party a lot or anything like that, and hey - she's young, that sh*t is important when you're 21.

 

Anyways, ultimately it is your choice, GL - I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

[bluechocolate]

I've moved all over the world many times for a job so for love ...

 

.... in a heart beat.

 

 

Which is precisely why I'm living where I am now.

[Lil Honey]

But one of my dealbreakers is if the guy is having/has had encounters with the law. It just says something about them as a person, who they are and why they do the things they do

 

Exactly. I'm not looking at this as a thrill-seeking adventure. I'm looking at this as possibly being her undoing. If he is under some sort of restriction, she won't be able to come and go with him as she/they choose. She will be either stuck to his side (because he put himself in that situation) or she will be on her own in a country with no friends or family.

 

And what if he hasn't learned anything from his experience? Is he going to expect her to bail him out of his troubles simply because they are together? Is that his reason for "loving her" because she is his ticket out of situations?

 

Someone please explain to me why someone can be responsible with their money and stay out of trouble and be attracted to someone who isn't . . .

 

That's my take on the situation. If she were my daughter (who is 22, btw) I would be VERY concerned. (Even though there wouldn't be a darned thing I could do about it.) I am glad that it will be a year before the move.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

Someone please explain to me why someone can be responsible with their money and stay out of trouble and be attracted to someone who isn't . . .

 

That's my take on the situation. If she were my daughter (who is 22, btw) I would be VERY concerned. (Even though there wouldn't be a darned thing I could do about it.) I am glad that it will be a year before the move.

 

I have been one who is reasonably well-educated, although a bit on the ditzy side when it comes to taking care of practical matters. For me, the reason I was always attracted to men who had legal problems or substance abuse/alcohol problems was because I was the caretaker in the relationship, and also that helped to take my focus off of me and my personal issues, and I would fixate on the problem child guy and try to help him constantly, build him up, give him the help he needed in whatever fashion....never really attending to myself and my own needs. It kept getting me into further and further trouble until my whole life disintegrated around me and here I am, trying to pick up the pieces.

 

Now I'm like, date dorky guys only. That way they appreciate what they have and they treat you good.

[CurlyIam]

First: I'm European.

 

If I really loved the guy, I'd do it in a heart beat. I'm a career freak, I'd love to learn more about another culture. And Americans do seem a lot more tolerant than other cultures, if you know what I mean.

 

2 issues here:

 

1. Do you love him? Really love him? Do you trust him?

2. Do you have faith in yourself? Do you know you'll be alright even if it doesn't eventually work out?

 

 

Knowing yourself is the most important thing in life. Eventually, all people marry, ger crazy jobs, spend most of their lives in the office and alianate themselves from their friends. At least around me.

 

If it's sheer fear, don't let it run your life. But if you are indeed afraid, that alone should tell a million stories .

[moimeme]

But one of my dealbreakers is if the guy is having/has had encounters with the law. It just says something about them as a person, who they are and why they do the things they do

 

And what if he hasn't learned anything from his experience? Is he going to expect her to bail him out of his troubles simply because they are together? Is that his reason for "loving her" because she is his ticket out of situations?

 

Exactly. I'm not looking at this as a thrill-seeking adventure. I'm looking at this as possibly being her undoing. If he is under some sort of restriction, she won't be able to come and go with him as she/they choose. She will be either stuck to his side (because he put himself in that situation) or she will be on her own in a country with no friends or family.

 

You people sound as though he's a career criminal. She's already been to visit him for several months at a time. There's no reason for her to be 'stuck to his side' and as for being on her own - big whoop! People do it all the time - they move to go to college and nobody freaks out over it. You make new friends. What - if she's in a career where they want her to move for a job, she's to say 'no, I have to only go places where I know people'?

 

Whassup with that? People move to brand new places all the time and do quite fine. It's best to do when you're young with no ties, actually.