favor Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 hi I read this forum and it was very sensitive and informative. I would like your opinions on this issue. I am 24 and have known my boyfriend aged 27 for 2 yrs and have been living with him for 7 months now. We love each other. We are thinking about marriage very seriously. We always tease eachother sexually and enjoy it. I have always had inhibitions pleasing him. Initially I thought it was because we were new in the relationship but now after so many days and even knowing sure that he is serious and trustworhty, still I donot have much interest in pleasing him. I play with his body and he enjoys it and I do too doing so. But when it comes to giving him pleasure, I seem to be uninterested and it appears to him like I do it like it is my job to do. It makes him unhappy and myself too. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Why am I not motivated to giving him pleasure? I enjoy when he gives me pleasure but I don't initiate him to, except for sometimes, its because of the guilty feeling that I don't get intiated to give him so I don't feel fair to ask him to give me. When he gives me pleasure, I push myself like its now my turn to give. Is it natural to feel like that. I mean, I am not self motivated to give him pleasure. Basically I have never imagined myself giving pleasure to a man I have always enjoyed dreaming about receiving it. I know that in a relationship in reality that is bad...and I badly want to change. I want to give him pleasure happily and naturally not like I am pushed or makin myself to do something. Please help me I am having difficulty comtemplating my feelings and I have no one to seek guidance. I love him and he loves me dearly and we want to get married. I cannot discuss this with him lest he make think it is as a relationship issue. I dont want this to become a big problem between us in future. Thanks, Favor Link to post Share on other sites
dancingaway Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 I read your issue and can relate. I use enhancers now that you can find at sex toy stores such as cream stimulators, and vibrators (that pleasure both guy and girl simultaneously) which put me in the mood. I always used to feel disinterested and since we have been spicing it up with products that please me and him at the same time, it has helped us. Good luck and I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Do you enjoy doing anything else that makes him happy? Do you cook his favourite foods or give him massages or whatever else it is that he likes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author favor Posted February 21, 2005 Author Share Posted February 21, 2005 After I think hard, I realize that its just not that problem of pleasure there must be deeper problem lying beneath this. Very rarely I do things that he likes that migtht totally take him by surprise. At all other times, I only do if he asks me to do...like I cook his favorite dish if he asks me to and slowly I have developed to resent it if he asks me to do something, like I get this feeling that "he is bossing me" which it may not be. How do I fix this...is this problem more serious than I percieve it to be? Totally helpless Favor Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Do you actually love this person? Does he do nice things for you out of the sack? Does he treat you well? If your answers are 'no' to the last two questions, you may be suffering resentment and be taking it out on him. However, if your answers to those two were 'yes' then you best re-examine your feelings. If you love someone, making that person happy makes you happy (of course, if you're mistreated or taken for granted, that's another story). Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Favor.. It's because you have no motivation. Like you said, he's trustworthy you know he's going to be around. You are so comfortable in the relationship that you are taking things for granted. When you do that over an extended period of time, it's going to be HIM that will become uninterested in you. Don't ever think he'll always be there for you no matter how you treat him. Why would he stay in a relationship when the things you do to him, makes it feel like it's a chore, when there are plently of other women out there that love doing it just for the sake of doing it. You only get out of a relationship, to what you put in it. Does it take him leaving for you to come up with ideas & motivation to do new things, or to just enjoy what you are doing now? If you enjoy everything else in life, then I am thinking you are just lazy & complacent with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Carrie Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 DITTO to the above post. You only get what you put into the relationship. Don't think that he is going to be there forever Favor... Link to post Share on other sites
Author favor Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 Actually, I spoke to him about this kind of openly...and he said...what love you give to me is what I give back to you...the problem is...I expect from him and then plan to return it..and he has the same attitude... my upbringin is different , we were taught to do everything ourselves and to be totally individual....but with him..his family is so knit that...he expects little things from me like you know, fixing his dinner to washing his clothes...I grew up doing things on my own and when I am asked to do something..I feel like I am bossed around..... see..which may be totally wrong..if I was someone similar to his upbringing....it might have been normal....but to me..i feel like why is he asking me for everything....and when I ask him to do his things himself...run errands alone..and things like that.. when I see the disappointment on his face, I feel like I don't love him or I am not interested in him...I have done this...I have been how he wants me to be..but that doesn't make me happy... I am not sure what will make me happy in this relation....I also realize that more often I am thinking of how I will be happy in this relation and not how he will be happy...I don't feel that is right either..Am I not supposed to think about my boyfriend's happiness in the relation more than mine ideally....but does it really happen that way? as a matter of fact, this is my first relationship whaih has come this far...and I really dont want to sore it... If he shows his love for me..I get defensive because I have this guilt feeling that I don't show him that kind of love.... I have grown up seeing monotonous living..maybeI don't know how to love... He likes me and does things for me...but not always...We both at this point don't feel like we love each other...it looks like since we are together we are learning to love eachother or atleast trying to be nice to eachother... is this how relationship will be or is there blissful couple existing....?what I am going through is it normal? Link to post Share on other sites
oldfashion Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 Have you ever thought that, you do not really want to please him because of the fact you feel like you are bossed around and you just do not want to accept pleasing him as your `wifely duty` and there, you are defencing yourself. ? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by favor Actually, I spoke to him about this kind of openly...and he said...what love you give to me is what I give back to you...the problem is...I expect from him and then plan to return it..and he has the same attitude... my upbringin is different , we were taught to do everything ourselves and to be totally individual....but with him..his family is so knit that...he expects little things from me like you know, fixing his dinner to washing his clothes...I grew up doing things on my own and when I am asked to do something..I feel like I am bossed around..... see..which may be totally wrong..if I was someone similar to his upbringing....it might have been normal....but to me..i feel like why is he asking me for everything....and when I ask him to do his things himself...run errands alone..and things like that.. when I see the disappointment on his face, I feel like I don't love him or I am not interested in him...I have done this...I have been how he wants me to be..but that doesn't make me happy... I am not sure what will make me happy in this relation....I also realize that more often I am thinking of how I will be happy in this relation and not how he will be happy...I don't feel that is right either..Am I not supposed to think about my boyfriend's happiness in the relation more than mine ideally....but does it really happen that way? as a matter of fact, this is my first relationship whaih has come this far...and I really dont want to sore it... If he shows his love for me..I get defensive because I have this guilt feeling that I don't show him that kind of love.... I have grown up seeing monotonous living..maybeI don't know how to love... He likes me and does things for me...but not always...We both at this point don't feel like we love each other...it looks like since we are together we are learning to love eachother or atleast trying to be nice to eachother... is this how relationship will be or is there blissful couple existing....?what I am going through is it normal? My wife & me are the same way. She came from a family that was torn apart and she did everything on her own. I came from a very close family and did things together. I'm extremely affectionate and she's not. At first I took it personally, thinking something is wrong with me. She loves me yet she doesn't show it like I do or most people do? It took me looking closely at her brother's marriage. Talking to his wife she goes through the same exact thing. It's a type of conditioning that his wife & me have to go through I guess you can say. We are learning to not take these things personally. I bet you love being by yourself, right? You love your space and your 'private time'. There are nights where my wife just likes to sleep by herself. I personally don't understand it but I accept it and let her do her thing. Every relationship is different. There is no 'guidelines' on how a relationship should be. When you mix people from two different personalities you are going to have conflicts like you are having. But on the other hand you two are balancing each other out. If you both were 'distant' people, the relationship would not last. That in itself will cause too much emotional distance. If you two were extremely affectionate then that would not last as well, since IMO feelings will get hurt way too easily when problems do arise in the relationship. ...I expect from him and then plan to return it..and he has the same attitude This is the WRONG attitude. You don't 'give' into a relationship to expect something out of it. You give into the relationship because you love that person with the understanding that you may not receive anything back right away. If he shows his love for me..I get defensive because I have this guilt feeling that I don't show him that kind of love.... Ahh.. You feel like a disappointment to him and you hate that feeling. Therefore to not feel that you get defensive about it, which makes him upset and more distant from you. You two need to change your pattern of behavior or things will continue to spiral. The definition of insanity is expecting different results from doing the same thing over & over again. Instead of feeling guilty, why not tell 'yourself' this is the way I am. Discuss with him what you told us about your past and how you were brought up. That you just can't change yourself magically. That you two both need to comprimise on a number of things. He needs to respect your personality and not get hurt over it yet on the other hand you need to consider his background and not be so distant. If you two are serious about each other maybe a counselor would be best here. You two don't truly know how each other works yet, in which couseling will give you the blueprints to find out how each of you tick inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author favor Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Oldfashion you said it right..yes i have this feeling that i am bossed and hence I don't feel like pleasing...i also realize that the problem lies in the way I am lookin at it... it may not mean so...if I was from a background where serving the spouse was done as wifely duty. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosewilt Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 It seems as though you DONT want to be told what to do. Nobody does. It's cool that you are independant....dont let him change that. When he asks for you to give him pleasure tell him not to ask. Let him know that you dont like being told when and what to do. YOU MUST TELL HIM THIS RIGHT AWAY so he knows he cant push you around. When it comes to pleasin him though, is it because you just dont like it? Some girls just dont. My friend has been married 10 years and said she NEVER pleased her husband (orally) Maybe if he stops nagging you, then you will feel free. It's natural, you love him. So let me know what happens Link to post Share on other sites
k_lily Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Hey there, It sounds like there are two seperate issues going on here. As far as doing things for your boyfriend, there's no rule book that says you are required to clean his clothes and make his favorite dinner to show that you love him. My mother used to tell me stories about how my father had been brought up to expect all those things. Sure it was a debate at first, but it only took them a couple weeks to get on the same page. There is no reason to feel guilt about this. The only way you should be worried is if you think there is nothing but those "things" in your relationship. Yeah everybody likes those little gestures when they can get them, but that's not exactly what you call romantic to begin with. If you want to show him that you love him with out being ordered around, get more creative. Leave him notes on the bathroom mirror, a flower on his dashboard when he gets to his car in the morning... As with that original issue: Oral sex is an intimate act between two people, it is not an expected activity. When my fiance and I got together, I refused to do it on him. I just never liked it before, so I never once tried it on him. He was very cool with it, and would still "perform" on me even knowing that I would never return the favor. That's what I think made it so easy for me, it only took three months of me denying until I just had to do it, for me. I'm not saying that this is what would happen for you, but the truth is you shouldn't have to worry that it's expected of you. Most I would say is don't do it often. If it does really feel like a task, save it for one or two special occasions a year. That way you don't have to fret that it could be asked upon you too often, and he'll anticipate it enough that you both might enjoy it. On a more vulgar note... Have you thought about trying 69 with a twist? Sometimes I find it's more enticing when he performs on me and I get to watch him handle his own "goods." Otherwise you can always trade up for a good hand job. Just food for thought... Link to post Share on other sites
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